HSC Journal- The Final Years of School

[clovvy]

Haven't really updated what I've been up to.... But what happen after the 3U exam.. I end up not sitting my 4U exam on friday since I got overwhelmed...
I got chem on monday and I know there is only so much I could do... I I just rush my dot point and hsc chem exam passpapers within that 2 days... Today was the exam.... I feel pretty confident when I saw the paper and I did everything, when I finished (except for one question which is a 3 marker), I have 10 minutes to spare so I checked everything that I know, and realised I screw up a whole question so I went through the process of eliminating mistakes, then attempt the question I am not confident with... I believe I should be ok for that... I have my 4U exam on Wednesday so I am hoping that I will be fine then...

Overall progress: I was able to cope with screw ups better for now, I did get my english mark back which is 8/20 but I was almost unaffected... The teacher told me I knew the content better than anyone and from the analysis and drafts I showed her, it is great... it is a matter of self-confidence and put them on paper in exam situations...

[clovvy]

Just had my 4U exam today.. it wasn't the best and if not worse than 3U..... probably the third time I failed 4U.... my tutor told me that it is to be expected and that it is fine as of now since I am still not up to scratch..... I was disappointed yes and I do have my regrets... but I have experienced this way too often this year that I am slowly getting used to it and it seems that I was able to bounce back slowly.... roughly one month before trials.. all it is now is just practice and fixing mistakes up..... Today I went to parramatta to study (changing atmosphere helps for me), and I was able to get work done and I was able to put aside anxiety and anger better, the result is that I was able to work more efficiently...

I hope I could keep this up...

[clovvy]

Got my result for 4U back and it is completely out of my expectation that I pass my 4U assessment since I thought I did worse..... I guess I don't have to fail the third time at all........... Not very impressed but at least better.... The focus right now is on trials

[Razeen25]

Got my result for 4U back and it is completely out of my expectation that I pass my 4U assessment since I thought I did worse..... I guess I don't have to fail the third time at all........... Not very impressed but at least better.... The focus right now is on trials

Aww see, you're getting there!!

[clovvy]

This whole holiday week is sorta hellish I gotta say... Like paper attempts, keep failing them, seeing how much you don't even know and did mock exams at ACE and getting very poor results..... I have had series of meltdowns in my studies.. I feel as though I have given up even my sanity over this thing for that ATAR and ALL for the sake of temporary glory and reputation... I am very obsessed with it... Initially I ordered tickets for AN lectures but soon I canceled most of it.... all because I choose mock exams over lectures, though I still want to come by just to say hi....

I am feeling so much fear that I am aware I am becoming unproductive, and soon the results can punish me and that is the last thing I want to happen... Like I still have this week and the next two weeks for trials, but I steel feel like this is not enough time at all considering where I am at in everything... I am feeling very scared that I couldn't even think when I am trying to do questions...... I felt stupid, and I don't want to be stupid.. I am afraid of being stupid... and I also know that having a negative mind can hinder my progress.... I even doubt surviving well this year, devastation and exhaustion with crap marks is the last thing I want..... I feel like quitting too many times but circumstances did not allow me to...  I pushed myself over my limit and I break, but I felt that I haven't done enough at all, others can finish the same amount of workload within a much shorter period of time.... this is unfair....

[clovvy]

Got my chem 3rd assessment back, I came 2nd in the whole cohort for it and lost just by 1 MARK!!!
Honestly I don't expect this at all considering how I was down pretty much the whole time.... Never in a million years would I expect that after barely passing chemistry and apparently it is a topic most would struggle with... SO happy that I am finally getting momentum...

[Joseph41]

Got my chem 3rd assessment back, I came 2nd in the whole cohort for it and lost just by 1 MARK!!!
Honestly I don't expect this at all considering how I was down pretty much the whole time.... Never in a million years would I expect that after barely passing chemistry and apparently it is a topic most would struggle with... SO happy that I am finally getting momentum...

Amazing!

That's absolutely brilliant, clovvy. Love it!

[clovvy]

Amazing!

That's absolutely brilliant, clovvy. Love it!

Haha thanks!!

[clovvy]

Haven't updated my journal for a while as I was busy and I don't want to post anything 'too similar'...  Trials is over, but I am not relieved...  While most only look forward to just finishing school, I couldn't care less about formal, graduation etc...  All I care about is marks....  Moderations and current rank has horrified me for a long time, and now I have to see a psychologist about once a fortnight due to concerns over my safety.... 

Got my 3U trials back, only 42/70 and cannot recover my rank because I lost to someone just by one mark, most of the marks lost are from silly mistakes..  Terribly disheartened and angry, trials definitely don't satisfy it and did not make up for my overall internals...  I know from experience how not being able to bounce back (half yearlies) have caused detriment to my marks (at least I did approach trials differently)...  Now I know that in two months I could potentially make up for it which is really hard, I experience a lot of pain after trials just to bump my marks up, and the fact that I hardly see any good results...  I abhor the very thoughts of getting 80s ... I cannot accept 89 even, just cannot...  I am not ready to get hit again....  The school have been highly supportive and really tried to keep me healthy mentally, even allows me to repeat yr 12 there if I want next year...  I don't think I am ready to face terrible results at this point and not mentally prepared to leave school yet (I am afraid I won't survive uni either, what are my chances of getting HD average? I haven't build a solid study habit)... 
My effort to bounce back has been really difficult, bouncing back from half yearlies took me like over 3 months then trials comes in by that time, so it did impact me a great deal...  Some remaining 2% hope still keeps me going somehow, hoping that NESA may take me out of the moderation system if I did really well and take into consideration all the bullcrap that happened, but what are the odds of that happening? Sure I am under special provisions but?

[clovvy]

So the 3U papers was gone through....  I noticed that I do get marks from questions targeted for E4 range..  Which means that getting 90+ for the maths subjects are definitely within reach and the cohort are all hard working...  Maths is the only subject where I have trust with my cohort thus rank don't disturb too much because I knew all of them will get the E4 by the time the hsc gets in...  I failed my 4U trials with 46/100 and I noticed I do get 8 marks for q16 which is meant to be reserved for the top students to do...  I was able to do the last question which is meant to be targeted towards the stronger students...  That tells me that I can scrap E4 in 4U by the time I get to the HSC.....

But the main concern is English, Physics and Chemistry..  While Chemistry not too much as I am at least above average, english I should be above average.... But physics was extremely worrying... My rank dropped a lot after trials and the gap between the top rank was far too huge.... My fear is even if I did good in HSC I am afraid the overall mark will be dragged down by the cohort as well as the rank (unfortunately the system simply work that way)... I do not trust my cohort for these subjects as the average were poor.. However there is that remaining 2% hope that still keeps me going despite how painful it is to just keep working after those marks..  Keeping motivation is extremely difficult and painful..   I want to quit hsc too many times due to the pain...  I know that NESA also take special considerations that may affect the moderation system (like remove someone from getting moderation)... But I can't rely on that and I don't know what the chances are for this...  There is only so much I could do so I am doing just that...

Progress after trials so far
At the very least I am doing something, updating my notes after trials despite the pain I am feeling (mistake I made was inability to move on after half yearlies, which cost me my overall internals)....  I am starting to remember and understand contents again...  And procrastination have been very minimal (pain was always there, anger, frustration, disappointments, wanting to quit, demotivation...). Good thing is now I can work at my own pace given that the HSC will assess everything that I am learning, perhaps I could make it up in the HSC all my crap marks...  Although 98 seems unreachable already..  I put 96 as my benchmark (that also seems somewhat unreachable judging from internal ranks and gap differences alone)...  Band 6 in physics and english seems unreachable (english has more possibility it sees, band 5 is the most likely result)..  E4 in both maths is definitely not out of reach, and band 6 in chemistry is definitely doable... Although I will hate it if I get 89.95 below, at least I can repeat my HSC if that happens (worst case scenario).. 

[clovvy]

So I am seeing the psychiatrist today and also get my special provisions form filled in.... I am diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, panic disorder and major depression disorder as well as getting prescribed with Fluoxetine due to my mental conditions.... I mean it really sucked that yr 12 end up being like this when I intended this to become the best year of school......
As painful as trials is, all internals are over.. yes I don't have to ever see them again yet I am afraid at the same time that school will be over soon.... I am not mentally prepared to leave yet especially with unsatisfaction... I don't want to waste my time anymore due to severe stress, so I did more and more work and I have seen almost no procrastination after that (except the pain that I am consistently experiencing).....

[Poet]

So I am seeing the psychiatrist today and also get my special provisions form filled in.... I am diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, panic disorder and major depression disorder as well as getting prescribed with Fluoxetine due to my mental conditions.... I mean it really sucked that yr 12 end up being like this when I intended this to become the best year of school......
As painful as trials is, all internals are over.. yes I don't have to ever see them again yet I am afraid at the same time that school will be over soon.... I am not mentally prepared to leave yet especially with unsatisfaction... I don't want to waste my time anymore due to severe stress, so I did more and more work and I have seen almost no procrastination after that (except the pain that I am consistently experiencing).....

Hello clovvy,

I’m sorry to hear about the diagnosis, but glad to hear you’re still pushing through. I’m on fluoxetine, too, and after a few weeks it should help you. It’s helped me a bit. Not procrastinating is also a great improvement. You might not see it right now, but you’re doing better than you think. You’re pushing through. And you’ll make it to the end – no matter the outcome, do the best you can, and you won’t regret it. You’re cared for, Clovvy. Remember that, if you need it, there’s always people ready to help you.

[clovvy]

I got my chem trials back...  So my rank did rise from 12/20 to 6/20... Markwise however I am not impressed as I am still at a 'band 4' lvl.... Only 51/100, highest was 73/100 and the average was about 47/100...
Judging from marks and internals alone I felt as though I am very far from my atar goal and the never-ending cycle of negative thoughts are not helping and I have learn that in the hard way from trials (I obsess over getting dux and end up duxing nothing)...  My atar goal initially was 98 but I was happy with a 95+... Now however I doubt getting even 90+ with the rate I am going (especially after bombing physics and left the majority the questions unanswered)...   Motivation is hard and I am feeling pain everyday..  I suffered a great deal mentally in yr 12..... But I am forced to finish it so I do need to adapt to this unpleasant situation...

At least I was able to work and consistently work despite the pain and procrastination have reduced a lot...  Once I have my overall marks and ranks, I might need to set up a new strategy to get to my atar goal of a 93+ (since 98 is not even realistic anymore, if I do get it then great)..

[clovvy]

1st September 2018
Went to the open day as a time off and also to get info about engo and science (those are my main interest)..
And out of the blue I bump into Isaac and I swear whenever I went to anything AN related I always bump into him every single time since the summer holidays lectures....  This time he was with the UN soc...  Whilst engineering looks amazing at UNSW, the science falls short to Usyd's and they do not have projects that works with VRs... And also met Jake out of nowhere at the physics booth... Though I kinda wish I see Jamon around there at the engineering section but I did not..... Even though I could get into any of those if I wanted to and the atars should be achievable, it disheartens me how my overall performance go due to severe stress..... Now I am seeing how useless it is to stress out too much and it cost me my trials (tho I am at least above average except physics)...  Now I am able to control my emotions and thoughts a lot better and having to acknowledge how painful it is to go through something you don't like or somewhat forced to continue with a situation you don't even like.... As well as having to accept things if they are not perfect or not done as  specifically as I intended...
I did lower my atar goal at the end due to how 'unrealistic' it is compared to how I go overall and my overall ranks to hoping to scrap 90+ even though I wanted 98+ initially (I don't know if its possible but chances look very slim tho I never know)... 
Today
I was going through harder inequalities and I was enjoying it a great deal and this time I am far more successful in putting aside my pain, anger and the past events that I could not accept..  All I am doing right now is discontinuing my past mistakes and I am seeing how quickly I learned when I am not stressed...  (I lost to someone in 3U just by one despite the other guy doing a hell lot more questions than I do due to my severe stress and anxiety which prevented me from working properly tho I still work under poor mental health condition) ... I believe the hardest thing about hsc is to actually use past mistakes and failure as motivation...  Jamon and many others were able to do this before trials and ideally I wished that happen  way before trials...  But everyone is just different and others recover much slower than the other....
As much as I hate to not see my atar goal, I cannot think about that now..  If I absolutely smash the exams despite poor ranks (not exactly dead bottom or below for most).. I am sure that the moderation may favour me quite a bit (given my conditions during the year)..  It couldn't be as simple as what was explained to me since they have to make it 'fair'..

[clovvy]

As painful as my past experiences is during internals, I cannot get back to that... The focus is solely on the external exams....  And I was able to bounce back fully and not get affected by previous poor performances....  I keep the in mind Albert Einstein's quote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results..  Of course I cannot let my internal emotional scars to damage me any further than it already has....  I stopped caring about my ranks now and just hope for the best with internal mark moderation...  Since there is still possibility to do well in the hsc exams themselves, than I better use all the screw ups to motivate myself to work harder and to never again repeat the same mistakes again....

Overall progress was quite pleasing, I have already finished 3 3U hsc papers and intending to finish all from 1990-2017, this also goes for 4U maths too...  Today and yesterday I have finished 2007 chemistry and physics hsc papes excluding option topics...  So I am happy with my progress overall for now and more boxes to tick off is really satisfying...  I reckon this hsc really push me out of my comfort zone and force me to work under undesirable conditions... 

I believe I can at least scab 90+ to be happy with since 98 seems far too unrealistic (there may still be a chance, but I don't know and nor do I care for now)...