Free Legal Essay Marking!

[Son of Thatcher]

Hey there! I'll have a look

You know the drill, comments in bold throughout

Spoiler

Assess the effectiveness of trade unions in protecting workplace rights

Trade unions, associations of workers with a common goal of improving working conditions, have been for the most part, extremely effective in protecting workplace rights. Although declining in effectiveness contemporarily, awkward word here, perhaps, "in recent/modern times"? trade unions in the past were immensely consequential in safeguarding basic workplace rights. Nevertheless, despite this diminishing influence, it is irrefutable that historically, trade unions have been extremely effective in upholding workplace rights.  I'd perhaps add a tiny tiny bit of context to beef up this intro - perhaps saying that the labor movement, the trade union movement, blah blah, gained momentum in the decade of .... (I don't know when). This might give you just a little more to anchor the essay in at the start. I see you've mentioned the history throughout, but start it here Great judgement, by the way! Really unique.

Trade unions have played an extremely effective role during the early years of federation. Of critical importance was the establishment of Australia’s principal workplace tribunal, the Commonwealth Court of Conciliation and Arbitration, established under the Conciliation and Arbitration Act 1904 (Cth). This act, largely advocated for by the burgeoning trade union movement, represents an extremely effective attempt aimed at safeguarding workplace rights, emphasising the importance of conciliation and arbitration as alternative dispute resolution mechanism and ensuring that workers were able to have their cases heard. Further, the court was also bequeathed unprecedented power to determine and enforce an award, enshrining basic employee rights and minimum conditions in a manner that was significantly effective in protecting workplace rights. This principle of fair working terms and conditions was further affirmed in Ex parte H.V McKay (1907), which established a living wage for workers. Although trade unions were not directly affiliated with this case, it is evident that their advocacy of worker’s rights clearly influenced the decision of the bench which in turn, positively impacted workplace rights for many years. As a result of trade union activity in this instance, Australia was already in compliance with the precepts elaborated by the constitution of the International Labor Organisation (ILO) established in 1919, an international organisation dedicated to promoting worker’s rights. Hence trade unions have undoubtedly played a key and effective role in safeguarding workplace rights during Australia’s early federation years. This is wonderful! Great knowledge, no waffling, clear dates, a case study, and analysis! Seriously, AMAZING!

Moreover, trade unions have exercised a both pivotal and effective role in promoting workplace rights, chiefly through their opposition to WorkChoices. Again, another brilliant and unique thesis!As a result of the Workplace Relations Amendment (WorkChoices) Bill 2005 (Cth) workplace rights had been severely curtailed, eliminating the ‘no-disadvantage test’ and restricting the ability of unions to engage in collective bargaining. For instance, Simon Kokinovski, a worker at the Arrowcrest Group’s Tristar factory was fired without any redundancy payout. This was only made possible under the WorkChoices and unions were unable to effectively fight for his employee rights as their bargaining power had been depleted. (‘No WorkChoices at the 'Torture Factory’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 2007). As I was reading this, I thought "mmm..I hope there's evidence to back this up for a marker" and then I see the media article! Spot on!In response, trade unions once again demonstrated their effectiveness in advocating for workplace rights via their staunch opposition to this legislation. Led by their peak body, the Australian Council of Trade Unions (ACTU), trade unions strongly campaigned against the legislation, launching the‘Your Rights At Work’ information campaign, a programme aimed at raising collective awareness of workplace rights. As a direct result of trade union advocacy, the incumbent Coalition government was defeated and WorkChoices repealed. These developments therefore illustrate the efficacy of trade unions in not only protecting worker’s rights by opposition harmful legislation, but also an ability to guide public opinion towards greater acceptance of employee rights.Thus, the effectiveness of trade unions is aptly illustrated through their opposition to the WorkChoices policy. I love a paragraph that ends how it should. Yours always do!

Additionally, the effectiveness of trade unions is further emphasised through their involvement in establishing the Fair Work Commission (FWC) and in formulating the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth). Restoring Australia’s compliance with the ILO Declaration on Fundamental Principles and Rights at Work (2008), the act not only removed the deleterious provisions of the previous WorkChoices legislation, but also enshrined under statute law, a commitment to upholding workplace rights across Australia. This is evident through such landmark reforms like the codification of a 38 hour working week as one of  10 National Employment Standards elucidated in the act. The FWC has also been an extremely effective measure in upholding workplace rights, achieved largely to the pressure exerted by trade unions on government, ensuring greater access to dispute resolution mechanisms such as the Fair Work Ombudsman. The advocacy of trade unions has also ensured that a national minimum wage has been established and protected, determined by the FWC annually, further illustrating their efficacy. Hence, the success of the Fair Work Act and the prominent role that trade unions played in developing the legislation, encapsulates the effectiveness of trade unions in advocating for workplace rights.

On the other hand however, in recent years, particularly following the successful passage of the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth), the effectiveness of trade unions in promoting workplace rights has precipitously diminished. This has primarily occurred due to an acceleration in the decline of trade union membership. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, less than 15% of all Australian workers apart of a trade union. This decline therefore reflects the diminishing clout that trade unions possess, thereby illustrating a clear and growing limitation on their effectiveness in promoting workplace rights. Ironically, the efficacy of trade unions has been further eroded due to their previous success. Having achieved over a century of progress on workplace rights, trade unions are now perceived as though unnecessary. A 2014 poll conducted by the Canberra Times, vindicates this, with 65% of those surveyed believing unions no longer had any effect on the operation of their workplace. Finding the name for this poll and perhaps the publication date is very important. At the moment it sounds a bit airy fairy. I don't think you made it up, of course, but you need to leave no doubt! This apathetic attitude has meant that trade unions are not as influential as they once were in effectuating workplace change, therefore hampering their effectiveness.

Furthermore, the effectiveness of trade unions as vehicles for improving workplace rights has declined as the public image of unions has become tarnished. Cases of corruption have damaged the reputation of trade unions as bodies purely interested in advancing the rights of its members. For instance, scandal such as that surrounding the Australian Workers Union (AWU) in which the union was reported to have conscripted bikie gangs to collect outstanding debt has no doubt, adversely affected the perception of trade unions. (‘Trade Unions Using Bikies to Collect Debts’, The Australian, 2016). This is again emphasised in FWA v Thompson (2015) in which disgraced Labor parliamentarian, Craig Thompson, was found guilty of defrauding the Health Services Union, whose members he was supposed to represent. Collectively, these incidences of ethically dubious behaviour have severely damaged the reputation of trade unions and thus, have limited their effectiveness in promoting workplace rights due to the increasing negative publicity. Hence, it is clear that the effectiveness of trade unions as mechanisms for protecting workplace rights has been severely depleted.

In essence, it is clear that on the whole, trade unions have historically been extremely effective in not only establishing, but improving workplace rights across Australia. Despite decreasing effectiveness and influence in the modern age however, trade unions nevertheless still play an important role in protecting workplace rights. Two sentences for a conclusion doesn't quite to justice to the amazing essay I just read. Explicitly talk about some of the examples you gave, if you think that will work. That is my suggestion

I'm so pleased to say that this is the work of a Band 6 student! Congratulations. You've done an excellent job here. Your structure isn't flawed, in my opinion! Any little things that would benefit from tidying up, I mentioned Your inclusion of media articles and case studies is very smooth. If you had the opportunity, I'd try provide a case study in each paragraph (only because you're at such a high level already). This won't be easy, or perhaps even possible. I haven't studied workplace so I'm not sure. But if you can find a few little extra ones here or there that have some worth, name drop them in

I hope this helps, although I definitely didn't help a lot! You've got this one down pat. Feel free to edit and repost at a later date if you want us to have another look with fresh eyes. I do worry that because there is so much accurate, fine details here, that you won't be able to remember all of this so seamlessly in an exam. Is this for an assignment?

All the best

Once more, thanks so much - I am in your debt

[elysepopplewell]

Once more, thanks so much - I am in your debt

Oh, stop it! Check back any time

[shazzzzzz]

Jamonwindeyer, thank you so much!! There is no need for apologies, I really appreciate the help
Thank you for pointing out where I went wrong, I realize these are things I know but I have tendency to leave things out here and there or make some small mistake but they all add up and I can lose some important marks but again truly appreciate, will be back 

[jamonwindeyer]

Attention! The essay marking rules have now changed  Due to increasing popularity, and to make sure essay marking services remain accessible for active members of the ATAR Notes community, a new post exchange policy is in effect for all essays below this line. Every 5 ATAR Notes posts qualifies you for one essay to be marked. 50 posts qualifies you for 10 essays, etc. Details can be found at this link! Thanks! 

[itswags98]

Hi!
This essay of mine is due Tuesday but unfortunately i haven't finished it all yet. Would really appreciate some feedback on the stuff i have so far.

Spoiler

C)   Evaluate the effectiveness of the Family Court of Australia in achieving justice for family members.

The Family Court of Australia places great emphasis on achieving justice for family members among all family law matters in which it deals with and effectively aims to meet society’s needs but falls short in the fight against criminal domestic violence. The consequences of separation greatly affect children which resulted in many different legislations to ensure that the laws surrounding children is enforced and that the children’s best interests is always first. Furthermore, the Family Court extends the principle of a child’s best interest to the laws surrounding surrogacy and ensures that individual rights are protected. However, justice is not always achieved for families dealing with surrogacy due to the constant change of ethical and moral standards of society.

Domestic violence in Australia effectively highlights the weak capabilities of the family court and how it exercises those in regards to achieving justice for victims. Family Court Injunctions prevent someone from doing something or may order them to do something and is obtained under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth). Although an injunction operates the same way as an Apprehended violence order, it is more difficult to enforce thus resulting in many problems. The problems surrounding Injunctions include that it is not immediately obtainable and increases women’s fear of being viewed negatively by the court. The article ‘ABC - Violent death prompts restraining order rethink’ demonstrates the lack of enforceability and the inadequacy of protecting victims that plagues Injunctions through the death of Sargun Ragi. Ms Ragi was murdered by her husband the day after reapplying for an Injunction in the court although 8 restraining orders had already been broken beforehand by her husband. This shows that while injunctions may prevent some domestic violence, they are not resource efficient and effectively fail to achieve justice for those suffering from domestic violence. Furthermore, family violence and parenting orders are infected with the same problems as Injunctions. Under the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) considers whether there has been family violence present and then creates parenting order. The family court of Australia must ensure that that any orders about the future of a child are made consistent with existing family violence orders and to always consider the best interests of the children. The case ‘Lewis & Wackett [2010] FamCA 946 (26 October 2010)’ presents a restraining order against the father of the children due to physical abuse and effectively achieves justice for the children and the mother.  Parenting orders deal with violence as part of a larger problem and recognize the effect of family violence on children however they are only effective if policed and efficiently enforced.

The effects of separation can have vastly huge impacts on children and impact the way they are raised. Under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), parents whether they are married or not both have responsibility for the care and welfare of children. This legislation often lead to children being treated as objects when decisions were being made by the Family Court, rather than human beings. This was changed substantially by the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (Cth) which replaced the terminology of ‘custody’ and ‘access’ to ‘residence’ and ‘contact’. By putting the ‘best interests’ of the child first and foremost, the Family Court is able to ensure that the child’s rights are protected. The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) focused on creating equal shared parental responsibility which allowed the parents to consult each other and agree on ‘major long term issues’. The evaluation of the 2006 Family Law Reforms by the Australian Institute of Family Studies showed that 16% of children spend equal time with both parents now which is an increase from 9% in 2003. This led to a 22% decline in the number of cases going to the family court regarding the care of children thus achieving justice for children. The case Shakir v Shakir (2014) demonstrates the shared parental responsibility of the 2006 FLA act and focuses on the conciliation and mediation of parents that have issues. The father of the children is allowed to live with the children under the agreement that he has constant random drug tests and the mother is able to see them every weekend due to having a full time job. The Family Court effectively achieved justice for all parties while putting the ‘best interests’ of the children first foremost.

I couldnt really find many cases for domestic violence in the Family Court as they were all dealt with in some way in other courts :/

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi!
This essay of mine is due Tuesday but unfortunately i haven't finished it all yet. Would really appreciate some feedback on the stuff i have so far.

Hey there! Sure thing, happy to give you some feedback, hopefully it is of some use with your essay due tomorrow!! 

Spoiler

Evaluate the effectiveness of the Family Court of Australia in achieving justice for family members.

The Family Court of Australia places great emphasis on achieving justice for family members among all family law matters in which it deals with and effectively aims to meet society’s needs but falls short in the fight against criminal domestic violence. This sentence might be a tad long. I'd break it up by also discussing what you think it MEANS to achieve justice for all family members (this is something which everyone defines differently so it is a great way to start the essay). The consequences of separation greatly affect children which resulted in many different legislations to ensure that the laws surrounding children is enforced and that the children’s best interests is always first. Some slight syntax issues in that sentence; when you are done, be sure to read the essay aloud to see how it sounds! Furthermore, the Family Court extends the principle of a child’s best interest to the laws surrounding surrogacy and ensures that individual rights are protected. However, justice is not always achieved for families dealing with surrogacy due to the constant change of ethical and moral standards of society. I think your ideas in this Thesis are great, but maybe slightly unorganised! I'd love to see a distinct introduction defining the role (achieving justice) of the family court, and only THEN a brief rundown of the examples. I also want to see a conclusive sentence which offers your final judgement ("Thus, it will be proven that the Family Court of Australia is ...")

Domestic violence in Australia effectively highlights the weak capabilities of the family court and how it exercises those in regards to achieving justice for victims. Great introduction! Family Court Injunctions prevent someone from doing something or may order them to do something and is obtained under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth). Your expression there could be a bit better. Although an injunction operates the same way as an Apprehended violence order, it is more difficult to enforce thus resulting in many problems. WHY is it more difficult to enforce? This works really well, but I'd love to see some evidence of this. The problems surrounding Injunctions include that it is not immediately obtainable and increases women’s fear of being viewed negatively by the court. Evidence? The article ‘ABC - Violent death prompts restraining order rethink’ demonstrates the lack of enforceability and the inadequacy of protecting victims that plagues Injunctions through the death of Sargun Ragi. Ms Ragi was murdered by her husband the day after reapplying for an Injunction in the court although 8 restraining orders had already been broken beforehand by her husband. This shows that while injunctions may prevent some domestic violence, they are not resource efficient and effectively fail to achieve justice for those suffering from domestic violence. Good! Furthermore, family violence and parenting orders are infected with the same problems as Injunctions. Don't use the word 'infected,' keep your essay sophisticated and objective (too emotive). Under the Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) considers whether there has been family violence present and then creates parenting order. Expression issues here as well. The family court of Australia must ensure that that any orders about the future of a child are made consistent with existing family violence orders and to always consider the best interests of the children. The case ‘Lewis & Wackett [2010] FamCA 946 (26 October 2010)’ presents a restraining order against the father of the children due to physical abuse and effectively achieves justice for the children and the mother. Try to be a little more succinct with your case inclusions by covering the case, AND what it shows about the effectiveness of the Family Court, in a single sentence (if you can, it is tough sometimes!).  Parenting orders deal with violence as part of a larger problem and recognize the effect of family violence on children however they are only effective if policed and efficiently enforced. Solid paragraph, a bit more evidence and slightly more sophisticated presentation would elevate it further!

The effects of separation can have vastly huge impacts on children and impact the way they are raised. Try not to add unnecessary words; if you are clever, you can keep your sentences very 'to the point.' For example, 'vastly' is unnecessary in that sentence. Under the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth), parents whether they are married or not both have responsibility for the care and welfare of children. This legislation often lead to children being treated as objects when decisions were being made by the Family Court, rather than human beings. This was changed substantially by the Family Law Reform Act 1995 (Cth) which replaced the terminology of ‘custody’ and ‘access’ to ‘residence’ and ‘contact’. Again, try to be succinct, remember the marker KNOWS what the FLA is! You could just say: "A major weakness in the FLA, the objectification of children in Family Court proceedings (include article?), was effectively addressed by terminology changes in the Reform Act, etc etc." By putting the ‘best interests’ of the child first and foremost, the Family Court is able to ensure that the child’s rights are protected. The Family Law Amendment (Shared Parental Responsibility) Act 2006 (Cth) focused on creating equal shared parental responsibility which allowed the parents to consult each other and agree on ‘major long term issues’. This sentence after the one prior feels unnecessary. The evaluation of the 2006 Family Law Reforms by the Australian Institute of Family Studies showed that 16% of children spend equal time with both parents now which is an increase from 9% in 2003. This led to a 22% decline in the number of cases going to the family court regarding the care of children thus achieving justice for children. Nice inclusion of stats! The case Shakir v Shakir (2014) demonstrates the shared parental responsibility of the 2006 FLA act and focuses on the conciliation and mediation of parents that have issues. The father of the children is allowed to live with the children under the agreement that he has constant random drug tests and the mother is able to see them every weekend due to having a full time job. The Family Court effectively achieved justice for all parties while putting the ‘best interests’ of the children first foremost. Again, solid paragraph, your ideas would be more powerful with some more evidence and some more succinct expression (which is mainly to give you room for more evidence)

A really great essay here itswags!! I think it is structured really clearly (well defined introductions and conclusions which is great), excellent ideas presented, and I think you've done a great job incorporating cases!! You also were evaluating your ideas very effectively throughout.

In some areas, I'd like to see you go into an idea with more detail or present more evidence (EG - the comparison of injunctions and AVO's was brilliant, I'd love to see that carried through the entire paragraph actually!). This will just give you a more convincing argument. Some more succinct expression would help this in areas as well, to maximise the impact of your ideas for the marker.

On the whole, really great ideas here!! Just some additions and tidy-ups in places would make them shine even more, great work!! 

[itswags98]

A really great essay here itswags!! I think it is structured really clearly (well defined introductions and conclusions which is great), excellent ideas presented, and I think you've done a great job incorporating cases!! You also were evaluating your ideas very effectively throughout.

In some areas, I'd like to see you go into an idea with more detail or present more evidence (EG - the comparison of injunctions and AVO's was brilliant, I'd love to see that carried through the entire paragraph actually!). This will just give you a more convincing argument. Some more succinct expression would help this in areas as well, to maximise the impact of your ideas for the marker.

On the whole, really great ideas here!! Just some additions and tidy-ups in places would make them shine even more, great work!! 

I very much appreciate the help. Essay writing has never been one of my strong points as i tend to have simple language and ideas put forward which seems to hold me back but I 10000000000000000x appreciate the help youve given me. Ill edit it up soon! Thanks :3

[tahmina]

hey, can you please mark these /25 ! currently struggling a lot in legal just need some thorough feedback please !

[jamonwindeyer]

hey, can you please mark these /25 ! currently struggling a lot in legal just need some thorough feedback please !

Hey Tahmina! I'd definitely be keen to give you some feedback on these essays, but if you want them both marked you'll need to hit 30 ATAR Notes posts! You've had 4 essays marked previously, to get 6 marked you need to hit 30 I'll mark the first one once you hit 25!   

[tahmina]

oh so sorry i completely forgot about that ! i will ensure i reach the limit thank you

[conic curve]

oh so sorry i completely forgot about that ! i will ensure i reach the limit thank you

To increase your post count, you can ask/post questions you are struggling with on this forum or you can start a conversation in the HSC class of 2016 discussion thread

[Nicki]

Hi! just wondering if it would be alright to get an opinion on an essay, just the intro as i want to see if my writing is good and where i could maybe improve

thank you! (if i need to post more so that i go with the essay marking rules just let me know

for family
evaluate the effectiveness of legal and non legal responses to same sex relationships

changing societal values, greater acceptance and reduced stigma pertaining to same sex relationships has been effectively responded to by both legal and non legal responses to a large extent. Although, the community experiences conflicting views on the family matter as the nature of homosexuality can clash with cultural and religious beliefs, which has been restricting on the law meeting the needs of those in same sex relationships. we have witnessed this as these couples still face inequality when it comes to legal marriage where the statute of the Marriage Amendment Act (2004) cth by the John Howard government reinforced the notion displayed in the Marriage Act (1961) cth and the Hyde v Hyde and Woodmansee (1866) defines marriage as only between a man and a woman. Nevertheless, the discrimination and oppression of same sex couples as previously derived from not just the law but other aspects of society has been effectively responded to by extensive law reform including the same sex relationships (equal treatment in commonwealth laws - general law reform) act 2008 cth amending 85 laws that held discrimination against same sex couples. Law reform has evolved an enormous amount to assist in protecting the rights of same sex couples as well as changing values within society.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey guys!! I'll be doing a lot of marking the next few days to catch up on the backlog after our recent lecture series. You are not forgotten! Hang tight 

[elysepopplewell]

Hi! just wondering if it would be alright to get an opinion on an essay, just the intro as i want to see if my writing is good and where i could maybe improve

thank you! (if i need to post more so that i go with the essay marking rules just let me know

for family
evaluate the effectiveness of legal and non legal responses to same sex relationships

Hi there! I'll jump on this now

I'll pop it in a spoiler here with my comments written in bold throughout This doesn't need 5 posts to qualify because it is just a paragraph

Spoiler

Changing societal values, greater acceptance and reduced stigma pertaining to same sex relationships has been effectively responded to by both I would switch this around and say the legal and non-legal responses have responded to the values, acceptance and reduced stigma. So the section I crossed out, I would swap for the words "prompting effective change in..." Or, you can just rearrange the sentence to suit your style legal and non legal responses to a large extent. Although, the community specify which community you are referring to experiences conflicting views on the family matter as the nature of homosexuality can clash with cultural and religious beliefs, which has been restricting on the law meeting the needs of those in same sex relationships. we have witnessed this as these couples still face inequality when it comes to legal marriage where the statute of the Marriage Amendment Act (2004) cth by the John Howard government reinforced the notion displayed in the Marriage Act (1961) cth and the Hyde v Hyde and Woodmansee (1866) defines marriage as only between a man and a woman. This is a really long sentence, so definitely consider splitting it up into two or three smaller ones. Later on in your body paragraphs, make sure you give specific examples of how the religious views affects law. For example, the current federeal party's stance towards a plebiscite, and you can also include various quotes from parliamentarians or other law-making figures who have commented on their views of marriage equality in legislation.Nevertheless, the discrimination and oppression of same sex couples as previously derived from not just the law but other aspects of society has been effectively responded to by extensive law reform including the same sex relationships (equal treatment in commonwealth laws - general law reform) act 2008 cth amending 85 laws that held discrimination against same sex couples. Law reform has evolved an enormous amount to assist in protecting the rights of same sex couples as well as changing values within society. I tend to think that because your initial judgement is that the law reform is effective, that you should put this last section of the paragraph before the marriage equality section. And then bring in the marriage equality section with something like, "the greatest area of potential reform in public discussion at the moment is marriage equality..." You won't have to put in the legislation or the Hyde case in the introduction this way, because it will be left like a teaser for what is yet to come in your body paragraph. I'm indifferent towards using legislation in your introduction, I don't see it is a wrong or right thing to do!

You've really given yourself a lot of scope for your essay here which is great! With some small adjustments, I think you've got a lot of great stuff happening here! I mean, you've not only made a great thesis by focusing on the idea of reform (so important for this same sex relationship topic, because the developments can be mapped on a historical timeline), but you've also clearly outlined where you will be going with this essay, which gives it awesome strength. If I were you, I'd be really proud of this! Great effort!

[jamonwindeyer]

hey, can you please mark these /25 ! currently struggling a lot in legal just need some thorough feedback please !

Hey Tahmina! Sorry for the delay in marking these, this is the Family one to start with! Comments throughout in bold as usual 

Spoiler

The multifaceted nature of the legal system allows it to be both effective and ineffective in ensuring compliance with the law regarding family relationships. What exactly do you mean by "multifaceted?" Are you referring to the variety of legal/non legal responses? The legal system can never ensure complete compliance but ensures it effectively through legislation and common laws implemented in the family law areas of surrogacy. Careful, this is a little contradictory, I'd swap it to something like: The legal system attempts to ensure compliance through ________, however, can be seen ineffective because _______," or similar.  The law can be seen to not effectively ensure compliance in the areas of domestic violence and relationship breakdown involving children. Any big reasons why you'll be focusing on? In the issue of the legal rights and obligations of parents agreement with the law can be seen to occur, but more reform both legally and socially is needed for such effectiveness. Try to conclude your intro with a final, "Thus, ______." A broad conclusion to launch you into the essay. On the whole, this intro needs a bit of work to develop a clearer Thesis, but a good start!

In family law issue of surrogacy, much recent reform has been orchestrated as a means to effectively encourage compliance with the law. Slight issue with wording at the start (missing a "the" I think), but good intro! The need to change and reform surrogacy laws to ones which were more coherent and simpler to comply with are noted in ‘Time to Change unjust surrogacy laws’ 2007 the age and in case law demonstrating the complex nature of complying with such laws ‘Wilson and Anor and Roberts and Anor 2010’. Fantastic analysis, I love the inclusion of media, but be sure you are expressing yourself clearly, ensure titles are capitalised, ensure media article sources and dates are bracketed (The Age, 2007). Those were great examples, but not expressed well. Thus in the surrogacy Act nsw 2010 was implemented to create a more decisive and coherent set of laws that are to be compiled with and that encouraged through their reflection of societies values and ethics. Ensure legislation is capitalised. SMH published an article in 2015 stating head of family court Diana Bryant is confident Australia will legalize commercial surrogacy to prevent such tragedies such as ‘Baby Gammy’ who was let behind because of his disability. You could probably adjust this to include a direct quote or paraphrase Diana, and then just put (Sydney Morning Herald) in brackets. Commercial surrogacy is outlawed in Australian states and territories, but such couples that are desperate for a child persist in breaking the law. In the case RE Michael 2009, The case was heard under the family law act because the state lacked legislation relating to surrogacy. Would you say this demonstrates a limitation of the legal response to surrogacy? It was found that the court could not make an order over the parentage they had to apply, to the Supreme Court for an adoption under the adoption act 2000. Thus the surrogacy act nsw was made with the best interest of the child in mind, ratification of CROC and such agreement with this main Goal is central to the legislation and subsequent case law. All your ideas in this essay are fantastic, I'm reading through and loving some of the things you are mentioning, but the expression is holding back their success because it is difficult to follow your thought process at times. Highlighted in the landmark case Elison v Kanchanit 2012 where non-compliance with the surrogacy acts ban on commercial surrogacy was overlooked for the ‘best interest of the child’. Evidently in the family law issue of Surrogacy effectively encourages laws that reflect society’s values and ethics and are used for the best interest of the child.  A great paragraph in terms of evidence, but I'd like to see more links to values and ethics, and some more evaluative statements (effective/ineffective)

Changes to surrogacy laws in recent years were vital due to the absence of legislation that adequately and conclusively addressed the practice of altruistic or not profit and commercial surrogacy. Great intro! In the case of re evelyn 2998 the birth mother did not wish to give her child up to the commissioning parents, with the court ruling in favor indicating that the protection of vulnerable family members and the best interest of the child are paramount in determining surrogacy matters which may, however head to injustice for family members. Do you think this was an effective ruling? This was highlighted in the case of re Michael, where both the birth mother and commissioning parents were in full agreements towards the transfer of parenting responsibilities. Thus in 2009, the NSW standing committee on law and justice launched an inquiry into surrogacy, receiving over 100 submission from groups such as gay and lesbian rights lobby and the Australian family association. What was the outcome of this? Thus highlights the effectiveness of non legal responses in resolving family conflict in achieving justice for families. This paragraph has addressed only legal responses, courts and committees are all legal in nature!

According to Hammer 2013, ‘domestic violence is one of the most widespread human rights abuses in Australia and Globally. It is because of the NSW legal system has done a lot to effectively deal with all types of domestic violence, including emotional and sexual. Issue with expression there. Most of their responses has been through the substantial changes in legislation over time, especially through the introduction of ADVOS under the crime (domestic violence) amendment act 1982 (nsw). Good example, but capitalise legislation. The provision of ADVOS improved a lot since then, evident recently through the crime (domestic and personal amendment act 2013(commenced in 2014) which enables police to remove offenders form the scene. Try to avoid more colloquial expression like "a lot", replace with more powerful word choice like "substantially." Both AVDO’s and APVO’s have proven to be generally effective given that, out of the 24,378 and 7,325 respectively granted y local courts in NSW, most were found without incidents. Is this statistic from BOCSAR? In Jennifer Kokany’s case in 2015 apprehended and avo against her violent husband, however the law did not cooperate and breached the AVO due to her husband being wealthy. Also highlighted in the ‘no single factor, no single solution to domestic’ claims 64% of domestic violence reported are by men which director of the Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research states providing more apprehended orders and more venues for escapes to pursue domestic violence from happening. Was that a report? A media article? Be sure to be specific. As seen in R v Mulvihill where Simon gitanny was charged with the murder of Lisa Harnum Be sure to conclude each of your paragraphs. Again, you have great examples, but I don't think you are using them as effectively as you could be!

However this response is not fool print as ADVOS can be breached, also evident through the Ingrid Paulson case, where her children and her father were killed by her husband (who killed himself). Be sure to have a proper introduction to your paragraphs! Despite the ADVO against him ‘A mothers tale of murder reduces police to tears’ the age 2006. Do more with your articles than just mention them and move on, say how they represent values and ethics for example! Despite the need for some operational improvements, including educating police as to the seriousness of domestic violence, the legal system need compliance in protecting families from domestic violence, shown through the NSW Domestic Violence Justice Strategy. Under the Family Law Act 1975 and the Crimes (domestic violence and personal violence act 2007 accentuates that there should be equal and just outcomes for domestic violence. This is the latest NSW legal response to domestic violence, following on from the domestic violence intervention court model establishment in 2005, which provided support for victims and managed offenders. Good examples. The strategy commits all justice agencies and victims support services to work together to identify areas of legislation where reform is needed to better protect individuals.

Evidently, although there are some areas which still need improvement, the legal system has responded efficiently to various problems that arise conflict within families. Your conclusion needs to be much longer. Re-state your Thesis, re-state the things you've discussed, then re-state your final judgement/conclusion (3 sentences minimum).

Absolutely, the best thing about this essay is your inclusion of LCTMR (Laws, Cases, Treaties, Media, Reports, as well as stats and other evidence). You use a heap of them in every paragraph and this is absolutely fantastic. However, make sure they are all referenced correctly.

Example Law 2016 (NSW)
R v Criminal Person (2016)
"Article on The Things" (Sydney Morning Herald, 2016)

Ensure capitalisation and proper bracketing is maintained 

Without seeing the question, it is hard to judge the effectiveness of this essay, but for any question it is highly likely that you need to take a more active approach to the examples you are using. Right now, you are just mentioning the example, perhaps describing them a little, then moving on. Do something more!! Make a judgement (was the case an effective application of legislation), make a link to your main idea (does the article represent values and ethics of society), etc, do more yourself as the writer of the essay! Write now you are just sort of smashing the reader with examples, and this is great, but you must do something more with them to appropriately address the question (whatever that may be).

Your structure on the whole is quite effective, a slightly longer conclusion would do benefits, and also make sure you intro/conclude all your body paragraphs!! However, you have a distinct separation between different ideas which is great.

Your expression is the big thing holding this essay back; much of the time your thought process is a little difficult to follow. Read your script aloud to a friend and have them alert you to places where they don't understand the basic ideas you are putting across, this may help to tidy it up. Expression is not a big thing in Legal, but the marker needs to be able to engage with your logic, and that isn't always possible in this version.

Seriously good work though Tahmina! Some of the most frequent use of LCTMR I've seen, so fantastic job and keep it up! Feedback on the other essay will be inbound in coming 24 hours or so