Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread

[jamonwindeyer]

Aha thanks Jamon <3 Didnt even realise this posted because my laptop Died Will take your advice onboard. Do you have any tips for remembering whole essays? I just need to remember my Creative and AOS essay for Thursday so I just keep reading and reading. Will I eventually memorise it by doing this?

I would try writing it out as well mate; just re-reading it over and over isn't as effective as writing it out

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, I'm working on my AOS essay and just looking to improve it further - open to all suggestions
Thanks guys, not sure how well it flows, but I know it can be better.
Also I'm not exactly sure how to introduce the texts across all essays besides just stating the text and author and what they discover

Hey Isaac!

The process of discovery allows us to uncover that confronting aspects of the universe that were previously unknown. Expression issue there; remove the strikethrough word and it is fixed. Once these discoveries are reconsidered in light of our previous assumptions, they can enable renewed perceptions of the world around us. Good.  Simon Nasht's 2004 documentary Frank Hurley the Man Who Made History depicts this process through recounting Hurley's metamorphic expedition to Antarctic and WWI. Likewise, J.K. Rowling's 2008 Harvard Commencement speech The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination also conveys this process of discovery through Rowling's realisation of the unrecognised importance of failure and imagination as a means of achieving our full potential. Similarly, John Keats' 1816 sonnet On First Looking Into Chapman's Homer describes the far-reaching ramifications on an individual's state of mind through a heightened appreciation for literature. Nice succinct, textual introductions here; works really well! In the evaluated texts, the respective composer undergoes a transformative discovery whilst inviting audiences to vicariously undergo the same process, allowing responders to reconsider previous assumptions and realise new ideas. Excellent.

Not much to say here Isaac; yes there are a few little expression issues (I picked up the most glaring one in the first sentence) but overall it is excellent!! Keep playing with the wording until you personally are happy, but I think you are sitting pretty

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Jamon!
Was just wondering if you could please help me out here... I'm desperately trying to think of ideas with which I can structure my paragraphs for the AOS Essay. My main argument is that regardless of the nature of discovery, they will only ever be meaningful/significant if they precipitate change within an individual and their outlook. But ideas for topic sentence starters? The only thing I've been able to come up with so far is I could do one paragraph on how 'planned' discoveries evoke change and another on how 'unexpected' discoveries also transform the individual but I need a third idea??? arrrghhh! + I don't really like the planned/unexpected idea...

Hey Karyn! Feedback on your Thesis:

Discoveries can offer an individual fresh insights and ideas which enable speculation about future possibilities. Simple but effective, easily adaptable, nice! However, the significance of a discovery, whether deliberate or by chance, is relative to the measure in which it affects meaningful change in one's perception of themselves and their life. Nice bit of further depth here; very sophisticated conceptual basis. When exploring different areas of life, the discoveries made will challenge and change our understanding of self and our world through experience and growth of knowledge. Slightly repetitive/self apparent, you could maybe do without? Robert Frost’s poems, ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’ and ‘The Tuft of Flowers’, and Eugenia Collier’s short story ‘Marigolds’ thoroughly support these ideas through their composers’ utilization of effective language devices. Perhaps a little more detail on what each offers in terms of Discovery specifically? The texts present to the reader a greater picture of how vital a discovery is in leading to a new understanding of ourselves and our world, regardless of how it is instigated. Excellent.

Very few comments on your Thesis, works well!! On your paragraphs, some ideas:

- Planned and wanted discoveries
- Unplanned but wanted discoveries
- Planned but reluctant discoveries
- Unplanned and unwanted discoveries

All of these involve different levels of intention and will on the part of the individual. Essentially you'd be exploring the role of individual attitudes in shaping the benefits/impacts of self discovery. Or something similar, that's what jumps to my head

[jamonwindeyer]

I'm struggling with this questions 'sense of self' aspect because my essay focuses on how individuals values are changed by discoveries. How could I better link these?

Q: Analyse how discoveries have a meaningful impact on a persona’s sense of self.

Individuals and their perception of self evolve in the light of their experiences and resulting discoveries, influencing their wider community. This is a good opening sentence, but the "wider community" bit feels a little out of place the way it appears now. This is explored by Shakespeare in the play the The Tempest and by Gus Van Sant in the film Milk through the transformation of characters. A little more detail here? In uncovering the truth and realising their power, individuals are depicted as reevaluating their values and thus, sparking other's reevaluations. Again, not quite clicking with the last part of this idea. Individual's beliefs are therefore clearly demonstrated by both composers as being the direct result of their experiences. How/why are the texts representative of the composers experiences; don't spring this idea on us out of the blue without explaining it properly!

I think you have a really easy link here; individual values are really easily linked to sense of self. After all, our sense of self is arguably defined by our individual values

[birdwing341]

Aha thanks Jamon <3 Didnt even realise this posted because my laptop Died Will take your advice onboard. Do you have any tips for remembering whole essays? I just need to remember my Creative and AOS essay for Thursday so I just keep reading and reading. Will I eventually memorise it by doing this?

The way I memorise is by saying it out loud and reciting passages (without looking) until I am confident I can recite it completely Then I practice by writing it down completely from memory. I find it very effective!

[isaacdelatorre]

Hey guys,

Can someone please, please, please have a look at my introduction for Module B.
This is my worst one and I'm not sure how to prepare for Hamlet since the questions are so diverse; should I prepare an essay for it?

The success of Shakespeare’s circa 1600 revenge tragedy, Hamlet can be attributed to the dramatically compelling protagonist who deals with key human issues that have universal significance. Through the exploration of universal issues, responders become aware of Hamlet’s alienated outlook of the world, caused by his struggle with verisimilitude amidst the corruption that surrounds him. As well as this, Hamlet is bound by a filial duty to exact revenge, however, his search for a truth to morally justify revenge, reveals his reluctance and humanist desire to defy his pre-determined destiny. Even though many of Shakespeare’s authorial decisions are guided by contemporary Elizabethan values, his treatment of universal issues that transcend time enhances the texts value, allowing it to resonate with audiences across different contexts. Shakespeare reveals these universal issues, primarily through Hamlet’s soliloquies as well as a range of other dramatic techniques, and in doing so achieves textual integrity.

I'm not sure how I would adapt this introduction to different questions; any help is appreciated!!
Thank you again    

[karyn.mcdonald]

Hey that was an awesoooome idea Jamon!  thnx.. I just changed the unwanted/wanted idea to suit my texts. See what you think... hopefully it works
The only thing i'm worried about is Paragraph Three - do you know 'The Door' poem by Miroslav Holub? I don't think it really fits the idea of that paragraph... unless u think so? I could find another related text of otherwise just scrap that para and add more to the others?

Thesis/Intro:
Discoveries can offer an individual fresh insights and ideas which enable speculation about future possibilities. However, the significance of a discovery, whether deliberate or by chance, is relative to the measure in which it affects meaningful change in one's perception of themselves and their life. Robert Frost’s poems, ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’ and ‘The Tuft of Flowers’, support these ideas through the exploration of both planned and unexpected discoveries. The short story ‘Marigolds’ by Eugenia Collier, and ‘The Door’, a poem written by Miroslav Holub, also successfully portray the different natures of discovery and their effects. All four texts utilize effective language devices to present to the reader a greater picture of how vital a discovery is in leading to a new understanding of an individual and their world, regardless of how it is instigated.

Paragraph One – Planned Discovery with unpredicted results – Stopping by W
Topic Sentence: Pre-planned discoveries can often lead to unforeseen realisations which consequently challenge one’s previous beliefs and hence shape one’s perceptions.
Paragraph Two – Unplanned discovery with unpredicted results - Marigolds
Topic Sentence: Similarly, unanticipated discoveries may also result in a sudden and unexpected transformation of an individual’s views.
Paragraph Three – Planned discovery with predicted results – The Door
Topic Sentence: On the contrary, a premeditated discovery can bring about formally anticipated results which embrace renewed awareness.
Paragraph Four – Unplanned discovery with wanted/predicted results – Tuft of Flowers
Topic Sentence: Correspondingly, unexpected discoveries may lead to previously sought after results involving fresh and needed perceptions of an individual and their world.

Conclusion:
A discovery must represent a catalyst for change in the perception of an individual and their world for it to render any significance in their life. Frost’s poems ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’ and ‘The Tuft of Flowers’, along with Holub’s ‘The Door’ and Collier’s short story ‘Marigolds’, successfully support this interpretation of discovery through the employment of several engaging language techniques. It is evident that irrespective of its nature, planned or unexpected, the effect on changing one’s perception of themselves and their world is the most significant aspect of discovery.

Thanks so so much for solving all my endless problems. I don't what i'd do without these forums!!

[vincentso69]

Usually for my thesis, i just kind of reword the question so im sure im asnwering it?

is that ok? i sometimes put in some high modality words like "certain" "no doubt"

[elysepopplewell]

Hey guys,

Can someone please, please, please have a look at my introduction for Module B.
This is my worst one and I'm not sure how to prepare for Hamlet since the questions are so diverse; should I prepare an essay for it?

I'm not sure how I would adapt this introduction to different questions; any help is appreciated!!
Thank you again

I don't think that planning an essay is the best approach - but just knowing your textual evidence well enough to adapt - that's the way it was for me with Mod B!

The success of Shakespeare’s circa 1600 revenge tragedy, Hamlet (circa 1600) can be attributed to the dramatically compelling protagonist who deals with key human issues that have with universal significance. Through the exploration of universal issues, responders become aware of Hamlet’s alienated outlook of the world, caused by his struggle with verisimilitude amidst the corruption that surrounds him. As well as this, Hamlet is bound by a filial duty to exact revenge, however, his search for a truth to morally justify revenge, reveals his reluctancecomma and humanist desirecomma to defy his pre-determined destiny. Pre-determined destiny - good contextual link. Even though many of Shakespeare’s authorial decisions are guided by contemporary Elizabethan values, his treatment of universal issues that transcend time enhances the texts value, allowing it to resonate with audiences across different contexts. Shakespeare reveals these universal issues, primarily through Hamlet’s soliloquies as well as a range of other dramatic techniques, and in doing so achieves textual integrity.

That's amazing! I could not stress about this for a second, you've done an excellent job and literally ticked every single Mod B box - if that's your worst than you're in for a good time!

[elysepopplewell]

Usually for my thesis, i just kind of reword the question so im sure im asnwering it?

is that ok? i sometimes put in some high modality words like "certain" "no doubt"

I personally avoided those really high modality words because my approach was usually discussion like in its nature, so I opted for low modality a lot of the time.

I think if you're stuck and you just want to reword the question to ensure that you're answering it, I suggest you team it with something original. So regurgitate the question if that's what you do, but always tag it with something unique that ensures you're bringing something to the table

[nancy_cc]

Hi, this is my module C introduction any feedback would be greatly appreciated about whether it makes sense or suggestions anything to include/change. (I always struggle with this module!)

The connection of humanity with the natural world is inevitable, thus the ramifications of this relationship can be mutually beneficial or ensue destructive habits. Whilst humans can display inherent desire to ensure nature's sacred presence in their lives, human progression has deemed mankind's interactions with environments to be destructive. This contrasting behaviour toward real, remembered and imagined landscapes are examined skillfully within Judith Wright's poems, 'Train Journey," "Brothers and Sisters" and "Flame Tree In A Quarry," and David Scharf's short film, "The Forrest' (2008). The aforementioned texts reveal natures ability to renew itself and prevail in harsh conditions, enabling responders to realise humans strong dependence on their landscapes.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, this is my module C introduction any feedback would be greatly appreciated about whether it makes sense or suggestions anything to include/change. (I always struggle with this module!)

Hey Nancy! I definitely can!

The connection of humanity with the natural world is inevitable, thus the ramifications of this relationship can be mutually beneficial or ensue destructive habits. This is cool! A tad simple, but that makes this easily adaptable to questions, so nicely done there. Whilst humans can display inherent desire to ensure nature's sacred presence in their lives, human progression has deemed mankind's interactions with environments to be destructive. Very cool! I've not seen this style of argument presented here much; very unique! This contrasting behaviour toward real, remembered and imagined landscapes are examined skillfully within Judith Wright's poems, 'Train Journey," "Brothers and Sisters" and "Flame Tree In A Quarry," and David Scharf's short film, "The Forrest' (2008). Be sure to properly explain the idea of how real remembered and imagined landscapes actually links to your ideas and texts. The aforementioned texts reveal natures ability to renew itself and prevail in harsh conditions, enabling responders to realise humans strong dependence on their landscapes. Excellent concluding sentence!

I think this works well nancy! Definitely makes sense, I'd like some extra details where I've indicated, but on the whole I really like this! Great work

[nancy_cc]

Hey Nancy! I definitely can!

The connection of humanity with the natural world is inevitable, thus the ramifications of this relationship can be mutually beneficial or ensue destructive habits. This is cool! A tad simple, but that makes this easily adaptable to questions, so nicely done there. Whilst humans can display inherent desire to ensure nature's sacred presence in their lives, human progression has deemed mankind's interactions with environments to be destructive. Very cool! I've not seen this style of argument presented here much; very unique! This contrasting behaviour toward real, remembered and imagined landscapes are examined skillfully within Judith Wright's poems, 'Train Journey," "Brothers and Sisters" and "Flame Tree In A Quarry," and David Scharf's short film, "The Forrest' (2008). Be sure to properly explain the idea of how real remembered and imagined landscapes actually links to your ideas and texts. The aforementioned texts reveal natures ability to renew itself and prevail in harsh conditions, enabling responders to realise humans strong dependence on their landscapes. Excellent concluding sentence!

I think this works well nancy! Definitely makes sense, I'd like some extra details where I've indicated, but on the whole I really like this! Great work

Thanks Jamon! I'll defintely make sure to work on integrating the connection to real remembered and imagined landscapes! Do you happen to have any suggestions on how to do this without making the introduction too long?

Thanks!

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks Jamon! I'll defintely make sure to work on integrating the connection to real remembered and imagined landscapes! Do you happen to have any suggestions on how to do this without making the introduction too long?

Thanks!

Unfortunately I didn't study People and Landscapes, so my suggestions are limited, but you'd only need a sentence explaining WHY you are using those terms. They sort of appear out of nowhere. Perhaps discuss how the progression of mankind makes most relationships with nature 'remembered landscape relationships?' Not 100% sure

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey that was an awesoooome idea Jamon!  thnx.. I just changed the unwanted/wanted idea to suit my texts. See what you think... hopefully it works
The only thing i'm worried about is Paragraph Three - do you know 'The Door' poem by Miroslav Holub? I don't think it really fits the idea of that paragraph... unless u think so? I could find another related text of otherwise just scrap that para and add more to the others?
Thanks so so much for solving all my endless problems. I don't what i'd do without these forums!!

Without an idea on your poem issue, I think this is fantastic stuff!! Definitely all set to go, great work Karyn! so happy the forums have helped you out!