Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread

[elysepopplewell]

Hi Elyse,
Could I have some feedback on my thesis?
My writing is poor and I often lack expression issues :/

Hey Don Q!

"Through the intertextual connections that explore the enduring relevance of Richard, an insight into the change of societal values and attitudes as a result of context arises."

First thing I notice when reading this is that you say the connections are what explores. Not quite true - the connections allow US as readers to explore! So just a little wording thing, but it does set a tone for your essay. I'd also flip the syntax of your sentence, just to privilege the main thesis and put the texts second. So,

"An insight to the change of societal values and attitudes as a result of context is gained through the intertextual connections between text A and B." Also, you need to identify Richard III or King Richard III - at the moment he's just any old Richard You could even leave out the text/protagonist from this, and approach it as, "through texts that are recreated for a new context" or something to this extent. Play with this wording and see how you feel about it, and I'm happy to give more feedback once it's been adjusted

[georgiia]

Could I please have some feedback for an intro I wrote to the 2015 question?

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

The discovery of things that have been lost or concealed has a profound impact on the individuals understanding of self. It is the process of discovering through the intercession of others which positively and meaningfully compels the individual to reassess their understanding of personal motivations and interpersonal connections. William Shakespeare's play 'The Tempest' examines the power of forgiveness in enabling individuals to uncover the possibility for freedom; not only for others, but for themselves. Wes Anderson's film 'Moonrise Kingdom' fathers this exploration of discovery as a transformational process, through the protagonists discovery of authentic human connections. The discovery of a concealed capacity to have human relationships leaves individuals with transformed perceptions of 'self' and a renewed identity. Where the Tempest asserts reconsideration to be what uncovers freedom, Moonrise Kingdom proposes freedom as the incisive for revealing fresh understandings of self and world.


If you can't mark the whole intro, I more than appreciate feedback on just the thesis.
Thanks!!

[Thebarman]

Hey, could I please get some feedback on this thesis/beginning of my intro? It's in response to a question asking how the prescribed texts influence your understanding of the complexity of reality. Thanks!

An individual’s reality is a product of their experiences and exposure to society. It is through such factors, therefore, that one’s reality is vastly complex and everchanging. Notably, the experiences of choice and an individual’s mortality influence the overall complexity of their reality. One’s exposure to societal views surrounding such issues further influences their lives.

[jamonwindeyer]

Could I please have some feedback for an intro I wrote to the 2015 question?

If you can't mark the whole intro, I more than appreciate feedback on just the thesis.
Thanks!!

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

The discovery of things that have been lost or concealed has a profound impact on the individuals understanding of self. It is the process of discovering through the intercession of others which positively and meaningfully compels the individual to reassess their understanding of personal motivations and interpersonal connections. I like these first two sentences in isolation. However, I'm not sure how they are linked? They seem very stand alone and I'm not sure how they are related to each other? William Shakespeare's play 'The Tempest' examines the power of forgiveness in enabling individuals to uncover the possibility for freedom; not only for others, but for themselves. Wes Anderson's film 'Moonrise Kingdom' fathers this exploration of discovery as a transformational process, through the protagonists discovery of authentic human connections. Excellent introduction of the texts with links to the themes - This works well. Perhaps "discovery as a transformational process" is a tad vague? The discovery of a concealed capacity to have human relationships leaves individuals with transformed perceptions of 'self' and a renewed identity. Where the Tempest asserts reconsideration to be what uncovers freedom, Moonrise Kingdom proposes freedom as the incisive for revealing fresh understandings of self and world. The first part of that sentence (on the Tempest) doesn't quite make sense.

I like this introduction! A few minor comments throughout but I think it works well

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey, could I please get some feedback on this thesis/beginning of my intro? It's in response to a question asking how the prescribed texts influence your understanding of the complexity of reality. Thanks!

An individual’s reality is a product of their experiences and exposure to society. I'm a little unsure how these two differ, perhaps extrapolate just a tad on these factors? It is through such factors, therefore, that one’s reality is vastly complex and everchanging. Good idea - Some extra detail to bring out the idea more would be beneficial. Notably, the experiences of choice and an individual’s mortality influence the overall complexity of their reality. Not quite sure what you mean by 'experiences of choice,' perhaps even just saying difficult decisions would give more clarity if that is what you mean? One’s exposure to societal views surrounding such issues further influences their lives. I'd conclude with a sentence more closely reflecting the question, purely to hammer home that you've responded to the question

[georgiia]

The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

The discovery of things that have been lost or concealed has a profound impact on the individuals understanding of self. It is the process of discovering through the intercession of others which positively and meaningfully compels the individual to reassess their understanding of personal motivations and interpersonal connections. I like these first two sentences in isolation. However, I'm not sure how they are linked? They seem very stand alone and I'm not sure how they are related to each other? William Shakespeare's play 'The Tempest' examines the power of forgiveness in enabling individuals to uncover the possibility for freedom; not only for others, but for themselves. Wes Anderson's film 'Moonrise Kingdom' fathers this exploration of discovery as a transformational process, through the protagonists discovery of authentic human connections. Excellent introduction of the texts with links to the themes - This works well. Perhaps "discovery as a transformational process" is a tad vague? The discovery of a concealed capacity to have human relationships leaves individuals with transformed perceptions of 'self' and a renewed identity. Where the Tempest asserts reconsideration to be what uncovers freedom, Moonrise Kingdom proposes freedom as the incisive for revealing fresh understandings of self and world. The first part of that sentence (on the Tempest) doesn't quite make sense.

I like this introduction! A few minor comments throughout but I think it works well

Thanks Jamon, what I was trying to say with my two thesesus (thesi?) was this:
The intercession of some other person = DISCOVERY of something concealed or forgotten = allows the individual to reassess their understanding of personal motivations & relationships = DISCOVERY of an understanding of self.

Im just not sure how to make that clear and concise. Also Im not sure how to re-word the last part as what I am trying to say is that Prospero discovers freedom, but THROUGH freedom, the protagonist in MK discovers. Basically in one freedom is the outcome and in the other freedom is the vehicle.

Would this sort of thesis work for most questions If I tweak it like I did with the concealed/lost thing?

Thank you!!

[winstondarmawan]

Hello! I tried writing thesis and topic sentences for AOS and the Modules using random questions. Can I please have some feedback?

AOS: Discovery is the ability to be curious about simple things and to see with new eyes. To what extent is this view of discovery represented in prescribed texts? (Rosemary Dobson and Isaac Lidsky's What Reality Are You Creating for Yourself)
Thesis: The most transformative and far-reaching discoveries involve an individual's ability to be curious, questioning and accepting self-discoveries which allow for transformative impacts, and thus allowing them to see with new eyes. Yet, they can also be evoked our of sheer necessity, but this ultimately rests upon the individual to embrace the discovery.
T1 (Young Girl + Related): Reluctance and apprehension can stump curiosity, preventing individuals from engaging in transformative experiences which allows them to see with new eyes.
T2 (Painter of Antwerp + Related): Creative and intellectual discoveries evoked by curiosity become more meaningful if individuals can draw upon the experiences and discoveries of others to renew their personal perspectives on the purpose of life.

A: What insights have you gained from comparative study of texts despite differences in form and features? Explore this question by referring to KRIII and LFR.
Thesis: An examination of the intertextual connections between texts illuminates an understanding of the composers values and context, the latter eliciting the importance of suitable use of form features in conveying these values to a specific audience.
T1 (Integrity): Changes in context illuminate varying perspectives concerning the value of integrity, however through an exploration of the form and feature within texts, it is clear that integrity is necessary in maintaining a sense of humanity.
T2 (Humility): A comparative study allows for new insights of the perception of humility across time, this epitomised through form and feature technique.

B: How has analysis of the prescribed text developed your appreciation of it's reception and value? (Speeches: Keating, Sadat)
Thesis: An understanding of the power of a speech from the viewpoint of rhetoric and audience reception deepens my appreciation of the orator's resonating message, as a multitude of modern events exemplify the urgency of the values of the speaker.
T1 (Unity): Analysis of speeches reveal their reliance on the evoking of empathy, altering the mindsets of the audience and imparting a desire for a harmonious future build upon a vision of social unity.
T2 (Reconciliation): When reception of the audience of amicable, the orator is able to hone into the value and purpose of their speech, projecting the importance of reconciliation in mitigating past injustice.

C (People and Landscapes): Evaluate how a composer's acts of representation shape meaning and influence responses.
Thesis: A composers representation of the experiences of people within landscape heighten the notion that it is the attitude and response of the individual to the landscape which shapes identity, the landscape acting as a catalyst. Thus, audiences are positioned to adopt open-minded attitudes when it comes to engaging in the landscape.
T1: The representation of the conflict between urban and natural realms acts as the embodiment of the inner struggle within an individual to decide the landscapes they desire.
T2: The unequivocal power of nature, brought into fruition through composer representation, to reform the landscapes around us catalyses an understanding of themselves, but this ultimately rests upon the willingness of the individual to embrace these understandings.

I know this is a lot, but can someone please tell me if I'm on the right track or if there are any glaring flaws about my approaches. TIA

[Crabstickz]

(Not AOS sorry!)
Could someone provide me with some feedback for my Second Coming (Yeats) theses for Mod B
(I'm really struggling with Mod B on the whole so feedback would be greatly appreciated)

In WB Yeats’s The Second Coming, Yeats’ finds himself unable to comprehend and express his concern and resignation with politically tumultuous horrors of the era and uses language to establish this ambiguity of horror.

The historical relationship between creation and destruction is explored as Yeats alludes to his belief in gyres and cyclicality to describe the pagan birth which follows the obliteration of societal order.

thanks!

[Thebarman]

An individual’s reality is a product of their experiences and exposure to society. I'm a little unsure how these two differ, perhaps extrapolate just a tad on these factors? It is through such factors, therefore, that one’s reality is vastly complex and everchanging. Good idea - Some extra detail to bring out the idea more would be beneficial. Notably, the experiences of choice and an individual’s mortality influence the overall complexity of their reality. Not quite sure what you mean by 'experiences of choice,' perhaps even just saying difficult decisions would give more clarity if that is what you mean? One’s exposure to societal views surrounding such issues further influences their lives. I'd conclude with a sentence more closely reflecting the question, purely to hammer home that you've responded to the question

Thanks for the feedback, Jamon! I'll repost my new thesis when I've finished fixing it, but in the meantime, do you mind looking over this one too? Again, I would use this as a topic sentence for one of my discovery paragraphs.

The process of discovery can lead to the realisation of fundamental societal flaws resulting from humanity’s materialistic nature. Consequently, an individual may question the overall impact of such factors on the future of humanity and its occupied environment, or they may instead turn away from materialism and seek the confines of nature to remedy their soul.

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks Jamon, what I was trying to say with my two thesesus (thesi?) was this:
The intercession of some other person = DISCOVERY of something concealed or forgotten = allows the individual to reassess their understanding of personal motivations & relationships = DISCOVERY of an understanding of self.

Im just not sure how to make that clear and concise. Also Im not sure how to re-word the last part as what I am trying to say is that Prospero discovers freedom, but THROUGH freedom, the protagonist in MK discovers. Basically in one freedom is the outcome and in the other freedom is the vehicle.

Would this sort of thesis work for most questions If I tweak it like I did with the concealed/lost thing?

Thank you!!

Ahh okay, I understand it a little better now! Yes, I think it definitely works well - If you can tweak the wording to make it a little clearer to the reader I think it will work nicely for you!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello! I tried writing thesis and topic sentences for AOS and the Modules using random questions. Can I please have some feedback?

Sure! some comments:

Discovery: I think the Thesis might suffer from trying to do too much? The second sentence especially makes things a little unclear. I'd simplify a tad - Good work linking to the question however. Topic sentences work well - The latter is super specific, are you sure you can argue it well?

Module A: Thesis works really well and links nicely to the requirements of the module. Perhaps the wording could be adjusted, "illuminating an understanding" is a bit off. Topic sentences also suffer slightly from expression issues - Besides this they work quite well! Linking in humanity at the end of the first one feels a bit awkward though.

Module B: Avoid the use of personal pronoun - You can present your perspective while maintaining the proper academic style. The idea of being able to appreciate the speech more in a new context is a good idea for a Thesis, and again, your ideas work well. It's still just the expression that is getting you, a little bit unclear in the Thesis and topic sentences.

Module C: While your Thesis links to the question, you've not hit the verb of evaluate - You need to make sure you are judging. How effective is the representation in accomplishing the goals of the composer? This judgement should resonate through your topic sentences as well

[jamonwindeyer]

(Not AOS sorry!)
Could someone provide me with some feedback for my Second Coming (Yeats) theses for Mod B
(I'm really struggling with Mod B on the whole so feedback would be greatly appreciated)

In WB Yeats’s The Second Coming, Yeats’ finds himself unable to comprehend and express his concern and resignation with politically tumultuous horrors of the era and uses language to establish this ambiguity of horror.

- This feels a little bit like you are tip-toeing around the point you want to make. Why not just say Yeats uses language to express his thoughts on the political events of the era? In Module B, the emphasis is on judgement, so maybe you examine how effectively Yeats expresses these thoughts and communicates them using techniques?

The historical relationship between creation and destruction is explored as Yeats alludes to his belief in gyres and cyclicality to describe the pagan birth which follows the obliteration of societal order.

- This is very speficic Theis, almost works better as a topic sentence? Feels like it should fall underneath a larger umbrella

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks for the feedback, Jamon! I'll repost my new thesis when I've finished fixing it, but in the meantime, do you mind looking over this one too? Again, I would use this as a topic sentence for one of my discovery paragraphs.

The process of discovery can lead to the realisation of fundamental societal flaws resulting from humanity’s materialistic nature. Consequently, an individual may question the overall impact of such factors on the future of humanity and its occupied environment, or they may instead turn away from materialism and seek the confines of nature to remedy their soul.

I think this works! Very specific, but if you can argue it effectively it should do nicely

[_____]

I've kind of asked this before but is it an OK idea to carry something related to discovery into the exam and then link it directly to the thesis no matter the question?

For example, say the thing I carried in was discovery as an investigative quest with a series of steps, and the question I got was the following:

“Whether discovering something for the first time, or rediscovering something, it is our attitude towards the process of discovery that is most important.”

Demonstrate how your prescribed text and ONE related text of your own choosing represent this interpretation of discovery.

This is my thesis + amplification:

"Discovery is ultimately a process of specific stages whereby our attitudes towards the pursuit and philosophical implementation of new knowledge determine the extent to which such insights lead to renewed perspectives of ourselves and others. Therein, whether we discover something for the first time during this process of rediscover a hidden truth, how we react in applying our new understanding to our personal circumstances determines whether the discovery is to have any bearing on our future endeavours."

Does the idea work? Is it good in that it develops a personal understanding of discovery? Or should I focus entirely on the question?

[Daniyahasan]

Hey guys
last minute help needed
this is my thesis for my transitiosn essay, how it does it sound?
As individuals progess through life, they often need to successfully navigate their way from one challenge to another. this progression not only develops the individual but also pushes individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which leads into growth of the individual

BTW I SMASHED THE CREATIVE AND ESSAY TODAY THANK YOU ELYSE AND JAMON
AND elsye your not gonna believe how close the stimulus was to my creative
thanks guys