Creative essay

[radicalness123]

Can you please give me some feedback and comments    thanks really appreciate it

The sun shone down onto the fields while a pure white sheet of snow, delicately glistening and twinkling in the rays. Branches laced with a formation of ice crystals were left sparkling and glittering while the berries on the trees are barely seen and the flower beds have become frozen. A bitter breeze blew as the unsheltered trees become scarce of flourishing leaves. The wildlife was quiet and still but their presence suddenly pounced on her like a leopard. Wolves were a dangerous threat to her soon-to-be-dead husband.

As she laid there next to a body covered with a thin; sleet of snow, her eyes glistened with tears as her lips trembled. The face of a woman, so powerful and with undeniable strength, had become weak in the sight of what lay before her. The man she loved. The man she cherished had caused her to cry but she knew she had to get fast she could not last long with a pack of wolves after her.
She soon realised that nearest doctor was miles away and along with the slippery path she had to descend down -which was made harder due to frost- her arthritis made it hazardous for her health. Along with all the problems she quickly came to the realization that the coldness of the powdery snow melted on contact with her shoes producing ice-cold liquid making it more hazardous to travel down.

She slowly descended down the perilous mountainside and then walked up the smooth, paved road along the river near Pine Hills. As she drew closer she found out that there was a log house, chinked white with mortar, on a hill above the lake. There was a bell by the door for emergencies and she hastily rung it, causing an avalanche to bellow down on the other side of the mountain resulting in no route for the doctor to use to reach her dying husband.
   
Angry with herself she ventured home to her roaring log fire, while the softest flakes of snow began to fall again and gently rested on her window sill. Moments later, the sleepy town has become lively once more after the church bells rung for Mr. Brown’s funeral. The experience reminded her of the city where she grew up during night, she felt that the city was a harsh place where truth and justice did not always win, that the greed corrupted the minds of innocent people turning them savage and it reminded her of the awfully shady characters that wandered throughout the slightly illuminated city.

[Orb]

Can you please give me some feedback and comments    thanks really appreciate it

The sun shone down onto the fields while a pure white sheet of snow, delicately glistening and twinkling in the rays. Branches laced with a formation of ice crystals were left sparkling and glittering while the berries on the trees are barely seen and the flower beds have become frozen. A bitter breeze blew as the unsheltered trees become scarce of flourishing leaves. The wildlife was quiet and still but their presence suddenly pounced on her like a leopard. Wolves were a dangerous threat to her soon-to-be-dead husband.

As she laid there next to a body covered with a thin; sleet of snow, her eyes glistened with tears as her lips trembled. The face of a woman, so powerful and with undeniable strength, had become weak in the sight of what lay before her. The man she loved. The man she cherished had caused her to cry but she knew she had to get fast she could not last long with a pack of wolves after her.
She soon realised that nearest doctor was miles away and along with the slippery path she had to descend down -which was made harder due to frost- her arthritis made it hazardous for her health. Along with all the problems she quickly came to the realization that the coldness of the powdery snow melted on contact with her shoes producing ice-cold liquid making it more hazardous to travel down.

She slowly descended down the perilous mountainside and then walked up the smooth, paved road along the river near Pine Hills. As she drew closer she found out that there was a log house, chinked white with mortar, on a hill above the lake. There was a bell by the door for emergencies and she hastily rung it, causing an avalanche to bellow down on the other side of the mountain resulting in no route for the doctor to use to reach her dying husband.
   
Angry with herself she ventured home to her roaring log fire, while the softest flakes of snow began to fall again and gently rested on her window sill. Moments later, the sleepy town has become lively once more after the church bells rung for Mr. Brown’s funeral. The experience reminded her of the city where she grew up during night, she felt that the city was a harsh place where truth and justice did not always win, that the greed corrupted the minds of innocent people turning them savage and it reminded her of the awfully shady characters that wandered throughout the slightly illuminated city.

*softest flakes of snow* just picked this one out, while you have excellent description, I feel like you can still perhaps use some more language techniques such as metaphors to describe the scenery better.

Score: 8/10
 -not too much plot development (15min essay so dw)
- not quite sure about the suitability of melancholy and sentimental essays, some examiners like it, some don't, you're playing a bit with fire with this type of approach
-great language~!!

[dyskontent]

Just to follow on from what Hamo said:

• Regarding plot development: 15 minutes isn't much so its often better to focus on description and a 'snapshot' rather than plot which you do well here
• "A bitter breeze blew' - great alliteration here!
• "Branches laced with a formation of ice crystals were left sparkling and glittering while the berries on the trees are barely seen and the flower beds have become frozen" - bit of contradiction in tenses here, using both past and present tense
• "Wolves were a dangerous threat to her soon-to-be-dead husband" - "Soon to be dead" sounds a bit too matter of fact, maybe replace with "dying"? Also, wouldn't the wolves be more of a threat to the woman since the husband is dying anyway?

Hamo advised the use of more literary techniques like metaphors which can be very useful, but don't think that you have to use them in every piece as they can sound forced and clunky

In general you use description well to create potent imagery. Nice work!

[SKGUN11]

is the creative essay assessed on plot or description?

[Hannibal]

is the creative essay assessed on plot or description?

Probably both, it's hard to imagine a criteria without both of them in it.

[SKGUN11]

Nossal year 10 topic was: imagine a world where you could converse with inanimate objects.