English Standard Essay Marking

[kevin217]

Hi markers, I was wondering what improvements could be made to improve my essay into band 5 territory. Thanks
The elective is Exploring Transitions

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding


Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi markers, I was wondering what improvements could be made to improve my essay into band 5 territory. Thanks
The elective is Exploring Transitions

Hey Kevin! No problem, I'll give you some suggestions. Your essay in the spoiler below with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Transitions are an important phase in life and can result in new knowledge and attitudes. It is through the wisdom gained can individuals deepen their understanding of self and others. Perhaps a tad simplistic; try delving in a little more! Why are transitions important? What new attitudes are obtained? Steven Herrick’s poem ‘The Simple Gift’ and the film ‘Muriel’s Wedding’ directed by P.J. Hogan both explore the growth and maturity of each protagonist as they undergo challenges and transformation depicted through the utilization of various textual and cinematic features. Simple, but I think it is effective, good work here!

Herick ascertains that physical transitions into new phases of life are an opportune experience of personal development. Good. Billy is the novel’s protagonist enacting on a journey to escape his troubled life. Marker knows this; don't tell them again! Pessimistic imagery created by negative connotations in “lonely downtrodden house” epitomizes Billy’s dissatisfaction for his current state in life. What does this show about transitions in general? It is the damaging relationship with his father that shapes his rebellious attitude of social contempt. A series of flashback images captures the severity of abuse Billy suffered from a young age. The contrasting of innocent imagery “kicking a soccer ball” with the violent hyperbole “Dad came thundering out” illustrates the unwarranted aggression endured from his father. Fantastic analysis here! The metaphorical “He slammed a door on my sporting childhood” conveys the damaging impacts a childhood of abuse has had on Billy’s innocence. Excellent! But what is the impact on the whole? What does the audience learn not just about the text, but about transitions in general? Herrick utilizes Billy’s characterisation to highlight how dysfunctional families can lead to a degradation of character. It is only through a physical escapement can Billy emotionally transition to a mature adultToo text focused, unnecessary detail.  The natural world is this psychical escapement for Billy where he feels most at peace in his metaphorically “favourite classroom”.Retell.  A first person imperative voice brings to life his affectionate side as he states “I love this place.”. Hence, Billy’s potential to transition to his desired character can only be achieved if he overcomes the personal challenges arising from a broken familial relationship. Fantastic textual referencing and analysis! Just looking for you to bring this out of the text; Use what is in the text as evidence to say something IN GENRAL about transitions. You did this ever so briefly in this paragraph (see part in red).
 
One’s transition into a new sense of identity can be contradictory in nature if it harms the process of maturation. Great conceptual start. Hogan unveils the film’s main character Muriel as an overweight adolescent withdrawn from society. Retell. Similar to Herrick’s character of Billy, Muriel’s negative self-image is a by-product of her dysfunctional family. Good intertextual comparison. Her name change to ‘Mariel’ is a symbolic representation of her desire to escape this reality for one where she feels valued. It forces the responder to consider the socially constructed nature of Muriel’s motives where the desperation in her tone “I don’t need to play ABBA because my life is an ABBA song” reflects the irony of her statement. Good incorporation of audience, but what do they learn? Her transition into a new identity has altered personal integrity and is in accordance of a poorly conceived view of individual worth. The audience is able to appreciate this inherent flaw of Muriel’s character as one that hinders an essential stage of internal development in her life. Close up shots presenting Muriel’s euphoria during her wedding ceremony signifies to the audience her perception of achieved social status. Thus demonstrating __________. However, Hogan highlights Muriel’s naivety by presenting her perspective through low angled shots that heighten a sense of inferiority and thereby alludes to an imminent transitional maturation. Therefore, transitions aroused personal insecurities will inhibit a maturation of one’s character. Great integrating of audience here, and continuing effective analysis!


The relationships that form the powerful force of love is facilitative of positive transitions into new environments. Those we share relationships with are the ones that influence our character and decisions in life. Good amplification to add some more detail. Billy’s romantic relationship with Caitlin encapsulates this idea as she aids development of Billy’s maturation. The metaphor of Billy as a “badly dressed satellite/spinning crazily in her orbit” humorously captures their youthful intimacy. Thus showing what about love? Link back to your theme! Billy’s newfound love signifies the start of his emotional maturation from a troubled boy in Longlands Road to an independent adolescent in Bendarat. Retell. Furthermore, Billy’s relationship with Old Bill is not one of romantic love but one ingrained with deep friendship. Retell. Both Old Bill and Caitlin provide Billy with companionship, giving his life greater direction and meaning. Retell. The key that Billy receives from Old Bill is symbolic of a chance to gain independence as it metaphorically unlocks the path to Billy’s future. Retell. The recurring motifs of nesting swallows represent Billy and Caitlin as they too ‘nest’ in their new home. What is the significance of this motif? Don't give me a technique without saying what it does conceptually! Billy’s act of gifting Caitlin a “beautiful green emerald ring” marks his self-actualisation as it symbolises the greater maturity he develops along his journey of personal growth. Hence, Herrick accentuates the importance of understanding in relationships for individuals entering new life environments. A little too plot focused in this paragraph, not as strong as your other two.

Emotional transitions into a new life perspective will achieve a state of spiritual enlightenment. The death of Muriel’s mother is an impetus for reflection on her life personal deceit. Her mum’s passing causes a sudden change in mood, chiaroscuro lighting emphasizes Muriel’s internal conflict.  Her grief-stricken facial expressions cause responders to sympathise with her search for happiness. Excellent consideration of audience reaction there. Hogan utilises the pathetic fallacy of the storm to metaphorically cleanse Muriel’s mind as to signify an adopting of a refurbished outlook on life. To show the instigation of Muriel’s independence, Hogan employs a medium shot of her and Van Arkle in bed. The salient imagery of the wedding ring being returned symbolically completes Muriel’s transformed identity. Too text focused here, what does the responder learn about spiritual enlightenment in general? Hogan further explores this self-actualisation in the dialogue with her father, “You are going to look after them Dad. You owe us that”. The imperative directions highlight a personal acceptance in herself and this acceptance allows her to assert autonomy against an oppressive father. An additional medium shot of this scene depicts Muriel and her father as equals. His quasi-dictatorship as family head has been displaced. Muriel finally accepts her perilous past of lies by this confrontation symbolising personal and spiritual maturity and the acknowledgement of her new identity. Therefore, the emotional transition caused by a significant life event will strengthen one’s resilience to overcome challenges hindering personal growth. More effective analysis here.

This is a killer essay Kevin! Clear, direct, fantastic analysis, bloody brilliant!! Some overall comments for improvement:

- Be sure to add an appropriate conclusion on the day, replacing your last paragraph if necessary
- Try to extend your analysis to a wider implication. Right now you show me how techniques show me new things about the text. Try to go further, show me how the techniques show me new things about TRANSITIONS by themselves. As in, The use of _________ in the quote ________ reveals ______ to the audience. Rinse, repeat. This is a more sophisticated and conceptual approach
- Ensure all your paragraphs are of similar strength - Your 3rd paragraph is weaker than your others due to large amounts of textual retell
- Oh, speaking of which, watch for textual retell. Ask yourself after every sentence - Would a casual viewer who just watched this already know this information? If so, then you can exclude it

I think this is already in the Band 5 range to be honest Kevin, it works really well! Implementing these changes will definitely get you there in any case, brilliant work!
-

[amar101]

hey guys my English HSC exam is right around the corner and my discovery essay based on the poems fire and ice and stopping by the woods on a snowy evening by Robert frost is all over the place. Im not content with it at the moment and really need to re-edit is ASAP. please mark and give lots of feed back as I feel like im sitting on a band 2. thanks

[jakesilove]

hey guys my English HSC exam is right around the corner and my discovery essay based on the poems fire and ice and stopping by the woods on a snowy evening by Robert frost is all over the place. Im not content with it at the moment and really need to re-edit is ASAP. please mark and give lots of feed back as I feel like im sitting on a band 2. thanks

Hey! Just reposting the current rule for essay marking

"Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding "

[kevin217]

Hey Kevin! No problem, I'll give you some suggestions. Your essay in the spoiler below with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Transitions are an important phase in life and can result in new knowledge and attitudes. It is through the wisdom gained can individuals deepen their understanding of self and others. Perhaps a tad simplistic; try delving in a little more! Why are transitions important? What new attitudes are obtained? Steven Herrick’s poem ‘The Simple Gift’ and the film ‘Muriel’s Wedding’ directed by P.J. Hogan both explore the growth and maturity of each protagonist as they undergo challenges and transformation depicted through the utilization of various textual and cinematic features. Simple, but I think it is effective, good work here!

Herick ascertains that physical transitions into new phases of life are an opportune experience of personal development. Good. Billy is the novel’s protagonist enacting on a journey to escape his troubled life. Marker knows this; don't tell them again! Pessimistic imagery created by negative connotations in “lonely downtrodden house” epitomizes Billy’s dissatisfaction for his current state in life. What does this show about transitions in general? It is the damaging relationship with his father that shapes his rebellious attitude of social contempt. A series of flashback images captures the severity of abuse Billy suffered from a young age. The contrasting of innocent imagery “kicking a soccer ball” with the violent hyperbole “Dad came thundering out” illustrates the unwarranted aggression endured from his father. Fantastic analysis here! The metaphorical “He slammed a door on my sporting childhood” conveys the damaging impacts a childhood of abuse has had on Billy’s innocence. Excellent! But what is the impact on the whole? What does the audience learn not just about the text, but about transitions in general? Herrick utilizes Billy’s characterisation to highlight how dysfunctional families can lead to a degradation of character. It is only through a physical escapement can Billy emotionally transition to a mature adultToo text focused, unnecessary detail.  The natural world is this psychical escapement for Billy where he feels most at peace in his metaphorically “favourite classroom”.Retell.  A first person imperative voice brings to life his affectionate side as he states “I love this place.”. Hence, Billy’s potential to transition to his desired character can only be achieved if he overcomes the personal challenges arising from a broken familial relationship. Fantastic textual referencing and analysis! Just looking for you to bring this out of the text; Use what is in the text as evidence to say something IN GENRAL about transitions. You did this ever so briefly in this paragraph (see part in red).
 
One’s transition into a new sense of identity can be contradictory in nature if it harms the process of maturation. Great conceptual start. Hogan unveils the film’s main character Muriel as an overweight adolescent withdrawn from society. Retell. Similar to Herrick’s character of Billy, Muriel’s negative self-image is a by-product of her dysfunctional family. Good intertextual comparison. Her name change to ‘Mariel’ is a symbolic representation of her desire to escape this reality for one where she feels valued. It forces the responder to consider the socially constructed nature of Muriel’s motives where the desperation in her tone “I don’t need to play ABBA because my life is an ABBA song” reflects the irony of her statement. Good incorporation of audience, but what do they learn? Her transition into a new identity has altered personal integrity and is in accordance of a poorly conceived view of individual worth. The audience is able to appreciate this inherent flaw of Muriel’s character as one that hinders an essential stage of internal development in her life. Close up shots presenting Muriel’s euphoria during her wedding ceremony signifies to the audience her perception of achieved social status. Thus demonstrating __________. However, Hogan highlights Muriel’s naivety by presenting her perspective through low angled shots that heighten a sense of inferiority and thereby alludes to an imminent transitional maturation. Therefore, transitions aroused personal insecurities will inhibit a maturation of one’s character. Great integrating of audience here, and continuing effective analysis!


The relationships that form the powerful force of love is facilitative of positive transitions into new environments. Those we share relationships with are the ones that influence our character and decisions in life. Good amplification to add some more detail. Billy’s romantic relationship with Caitlin encapsulates this idea as she aids development of Billy’s maturation. The metaphor of Billy as a “badly dressed satellite/spinning crazily in her orbit” humorously captures their youthful intimacy. Thus showing what about love? Link back to your theme! Billy’s newfound love signifies the start of his emotional maturation from a troubled boy in Longlands Road to an independent adolescent in Bendarat. Retell. Furthermore, Billy’s relationship with Old Bill is not one of romantic love but one ingrained with deep friendship. Retell. Both Old Bill and Caitlin provide Billy with companionship, giving his life greater direction and meaning. Retell. The key that Billy receives from Old Bill is symbolic of a chance to gain independence as it metaphorically unlocks the path to Billy’s future. Retell. The recurring motifs of nesting swallows represent Billy and Caitlin as they too ‘nest’ in their new home. What is the significance of this motif? Don't give me a technique without saying what it does conceptually! Billy’s act of gifting Caitlin a “beautiful green emerald ring” marks his self-actualisation as it symbolises the greater maturity he develops along his journey of personal growth. Hence, Herrick accentuates the importance of understanding in relationships for individuals entering new life environments. A little too plot focused in this paragraph, not as strong as your other two.

Emotional transitions into a new life perspective will achieve a state of spiritual enlightenment. The death of Muriel’s mother is an impetus for reflection on her life personal deceit. Her mum’s passing causes a sudden change in mood, chiaroscuro lighting emphasizes Muriel’s internal conflict.  Her grief-stricken facial expressions cause responders to sympathise with her search for happiness. Excellent consideration of audience reaction there. Hogan utilises the pathetic fallacy of the storm to metaphorically cleanse Muriel’s mind as to signify an adopting of a refurbished outlook on life. To show the instigation of Muriel’s independence, Hogan employs a medium shot of her and Van Arkle in bed. The salient imagery of the wedding ring being returned symbolically completes Muriel’s transformed identity. Too text focused here, what does the responder learn about spiritual enlightenment in general? Hogan further explores this self-actualisation in the dialogue with her father, “You are going to look after them Dad. You owe us that”. The imperative directions highlight a personal acceptance in herself and this acceptance allows her to assert autonomy against an oppressive father. An additional medium shot of this scene depicts Muriel and her father as equals. His quasi-dictatorship as family head has been displaced. Muriel finally accepts her perilous past of lies by this confrontation symbolising personal and spiritual maturity and the acknowledgement of her new identity. Therefore, the emotional transition caused by a significant life event will strengthen one’s resilience to overcome challenges hindering personal growth. More effective analysis here.

This is a killer essay Kevin! Clear, direct, fantastic analysis, bloody brilliant!! Some overall comments for improvement:

- Be sure to add an appropriate conclusion on the day, replacing your last paragraph if necessary
- Try to extend your analysis to a wider implication. Right now you show me how techniques show me new things about the text. Try to go further, show me how the techniques show me new things about TRANSITIONS by themselves. As in, The use of _________ in the quote ________ reveals ______ to the audience. Rinse, repeat. This is a more sophisticated and conceptual approach
- Ensure all your paragraphs are of similar strength - Your 3rd paragraph is weaker than your others due to large amounts of textual retell
- Oh, speaking of which, watch for textual retell. Ask yourself after every sentence - Would a casual viewer who just watched this already know this information? If so, then you can exclude it

I think this is already in the Band 5 range to be honest Kevin, it works really well! Implementing these changes will definitely get you there in any case, brilliant work!
-

Thank you so much. Your feedback has been very helpful

[jamonwindeyer]

hey guys my English HSC exam is right around the corner and my discovery essay based on the poems fire and ice and stopping by the woods on a snowy evening by Robert frost is all over the place. Im not content with it at the moment and really need to re-edit is ASAP. please mark and give lots of feed back as I feel like im sitting on a band 2. thanks

Hey amor101! Welcome to the forums!!

Thanks for posting your essay, but unfortunately right now you need 30 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay/creative you'd like marked! Collectively our marking threads are really busy at the moment, so this is to ensure that the markers have time to give proper feedback to active members of the forums; one line feedback doesn't help anyone hang around the forums for a bit, ask questions and maybe answer them, and you'll build up the post count really quick I am sure!

[amandali]

hi can you mark my essay and pick which 2 of Lawson's short stories are the best ?( i was thinking of choosing Drover's wife and In a dry's season)

[studybuddy7777]

hi can you mark my essay and pick which 2 of Lawson's short stories are the best ?( i was thinking of choosing Drover's wife and In a dry's season)

While I can only look on this as an Advanced student, one of my related texts is The Drover's Wife and I find this great. I havent heard of the other ones.I'm just putting in my input where its probably not necessary in saying I would chose the drovers wife as a definite one to put in.

[katherine123]

Can you mark my intro for Wilfred Owen? There are 105 words but is it sufficient? How many words should an intro have and do i always have to give a brief summary of what each text is about even though ive mentioned it in the beginning of the body paragraph.

Wilfred Owen, reflecting his experience on the Western front, uses “the pity of war” to express the intensity of suffering of soldiers, who sacrifice both their minds and bodies in the name of “glory, honour, might”. Owen’s poems “The Next War” and “Futility” explore unorthodox uses of poetic form and satirical language which capture the horror of facing death and the experiences of “shell shock” that became markers of WW1. This effectively conveys a particular group of individuals’ extreme suffering and loss of physical and psychological human qualities. Thus, Owen challenges the established values of the glorious illusion of war falsely presented to his society.

[jamonwindeyer]

Can you mark my intro for Wilfred Owen? There are 105 words but is it sufficient? How many words should an intro have and do i always have to give a brief summary of what each text is about even though ive mentioned it in the beginning of the body paragraph.

Hey Katherine! Intro of 100 words sounds about right, let's have a look:

Wilfred Owen, reflecting his experience on the Western front, uses “the pity of war” to express the intensity of suffering of soldiers, who sacrifice both their minds and bodies in the name of “glory, honour, might”.This is a good sentence, but it feels more like a second or third sentence than a first. Try to make the first one more conceptual, like a big idea you want to push. Owen’s poems “The Next War” and “Futility” explore unorthodox uses of poetic form and satirical language which capture the horror of facing death and the experiences of “shell shock” that became markers of WW1. Good. This effectively conveys a particular group of individuals’ extreme suffering and loss of physical and psychological human qualities. Thus, Owen challenges the established values of the glorious illusion of war falsely presented to his society. This should be a concept explored earlier!

I think this works well, but I'd like to see a more conceptual start. Perhaps start with something about war (since that is your focus), and only THEN tie in your texts as examples?

hi can you mark my essay and pick which 2 of Lawson's short stories are the best ?( i was thinking of choosing Drover's wife and In a dry's season)

Haven't forgotten you amandali, just did a quick bit of feedback for Katherine

[brenden]

hi can you mark my essay and pick which 2 of Lawson's short stories are the best ?( i was thinking of choosing Drover's wife and In a dry's season)

Hey amandali. Firstly, thanks so much for being a part of this community from the very start. I hope it pays off for you in the coming weeks . Now, to your essays.

In what ways are people and their experiences brought to life through the distinctively visual?
Henry Lawson relies on the effective use of visual devices to form distinctive images that offer diverse perspectives which reshapes and enhances reader’s understanding of the world around them, and thus induces critical reflection. This is evident in Lawson’s short stories, The Drover’s Wife and The Loaded Dog, in which he uses vivid sensory imagery, vernacular expression and dark humour to project distinctive images of the unforgiving barren Australian bush into reader’s mindput a comma here - it's an important one beacuse everything sounds sophisticated in this intro so far. thereby offering a variety of perspectives on the world. Similarly, in Kenneth Slessor’s poem, “North Country”, visual devices are employed to awaken graphic imagery of demolition of nature and to provoke a horrified response at the humanity’s cruelty in the responder. Through the projection of realistic and distinctive images in reader’s mind, composers allow them to be drawn into the experience of others which provoke deeper understanding of their world. Great intro!

In The Drover’s Wife, Lawson depicts a woman’s experience of survival against the dangers isolation in absence of her husband through the use of vivid imagery, which brings to life the late 1900s rural Australia. This is exemplified through the stagnant imagery of “four ragged dried-up looking children” and “gaunt, sun-browned bush woman” which depict the dry, fatigued appearance of those battling an abrasive environment, thus demonstrating their struggles which promotes sympathy in readers.Nice! This is reinforced through diseased imagery of “stunted, rotten native apple trees”, which alludes to the Biblical setting of the Garden of Eden, and suggests that the Paradise has degraded into an infertile land. The complication of the narrative is introduced abruptly through the use of exclamatory language “Snake! Mother, here’s a snake!” which emphasises their panic and vulnerability in dealing dangers in a remote environment. The physical cost for the wife in dealing with the absence of father is demonstrated through the use of vernacular expression in her dialogue, “Come here at once when I tell you, you little wretch!”, where the coarseness and bluntness of her language, with a marked absence of femininity, suggests that the harshness of the environment has toughened her. Lawson, therefore, presents a distinct visual image of worn-out characters living in an unforgiving environment in reader’s mind to vividly enliven the hardships in the bush whilst conveying the stoicism and resilience of bush people. This is a really good paragraph. The structure's really nice/clear, the quotes are really, really well used, and you actually analyse them which is a great sign! The one thing I would say is... try using words that end in 'es' instead of 'ed.' For example... You say, "this is reinforced", "this is exemplified". You could say, "Lawson exemplifies (content.........), painting an image of a barren wasteland" or whatever else. If you can use "exemplifies" and words that are 's' words instead of 'd' words, it can push your writing to be more sophisticated. BUT---- to be honest, it's already a really good paragraph, so it's not something I'd even try to change this late in the game unless you feel like playing around with it. Nothing to be nervous about, I just feel like I need to give you some critical feedback you can use instead of just telling you that it's a good paragraph! Hehe

Similarly, in The Loaded Dog, Lawson powerfully constructs This is exactly the type of sentence I'm talking about. "constructs" is an 's' word, instead of 'constructed', which would be a 'd' word. a realistic sketch of three frivolous larrikins in a dangerous and hostile miner camp, which situates reader amidst a tangible setting and visually emphasises their comical resilience, thus bringing their experiences to life. The danger involved with the larrikins’ work is depicted through the active verbs such as “hissing”, “spluttering” and “spitting” which exhibit the explosive potential of the cartridge the larrikins have planted, thus foreshadowing the disastrous and comical events as they try to outsmart nature. Lawson’s darkly comical bush yarn comes to life through his use of idiomatic and colloquial language “How’s the fishin’ getting on, Da-a-ve?”, which elucidates the larrikins’ frivolity as they earn a living with their unsophisticated, humorous way of “blow(ing) the fish up” with a cartridge. Here, Lawson sardonically reveals the improbability and ridiculousness of them becoming rich, which provokes sympathy in readers. The visual humour is reinforced  "He reinforces this visual humour" when Tommy, the dog, retrieves the dangerous cartridge which leads to the comical chase of the larrikins as shown by the image of Andy coaxed into action, while others exclaim, “Run, Andy, run!”. The repetition of “run” accentuates their sense of urgency and sheer panic, which makes the scene farcical and chaotic, drawing readers into their experience. Moreover, Lawson brings to life the distinctive image of the unpredictable nature of bush through the dark humour “it was a very good blasting powder” to convey the unexpected death of the cattle dog Tommy dislikes, which heightens the ironic justice of its demise. Hence, Lawson vividly captures a distinctive experience of frivolous larrikins in the unpredictable, danger-filled outback which lightens the burden of surviving in the bush.

In conclusion, both Lawson’s short stories The Drover’s Wife and The Loaded Dog and Slessor’s poem “North Country” project distinctive visual images into reader’s mind through the use visual and poetic devices which draw them into realistic experiences of the world. Thereby, offering diverse perspectives of the world can reshape and enhance reader’s understanding which induces critical reflection.

Really good work. I'll move onto the second essay and talk more at the end

Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Henry Lawson relies on the effective use of visual devices to form distinctive images that offer diverse perspectives which reshapes and enhances reader’s understanding of the world around them, and thus induces critical reflection. This is evident in Lawson’s short stories, In a Dry’s Season and The  Bush Undertaker, in which he uses vivid sensory imagery, vernacular expression and dark humour to project distinctive images of the unforgiving barren Australian bush into reader’s mindjust reinforcing, get the comma in before 'thereby'!! thereby offering a variety of perspectives on the world. Similarly, in Kenneth Slessor’s poem, “North Country”, visual devices are employed to awaken graphic imagery of demolition of nature and to provoke a horrified response at the humanity’s cruelty in the responder. Through the projection of realistic and distinctive images in reader’s mind, composers allow them to be drawn into the experience of others which provoke deeper understanding of their world.

In In a Dry’s Season, Lawson provides a travelogue sketch of the bleakness of the Australian landscape through stark visual imagery and dark humour that captures his train trip from Bathurst to Bourke. In contrast to “The Drover’s Wife” where Lawson portrays a loving mother who must adopt a masculine role in absence of her husband, In a Dry’s Season lacks femininity as there are no female figures hence representing the outback as a masculine environment. The short story begins with a blunt, authorial tone, “Draw a wire fence and a few ragged gums and add some scattered sheep” which draws attention to the barrenness of the inhospitable Australian outback. The imperative “draw” mimics a painter sketching details to give the reader a snapshot of the sparse, unchanging environment. Lawson scathes the pitiful treatment of the bush men through the use of exclamatory language, “they talk of settling people on the land!”, emphasising the absurdity of encouraging them to settle on infertile land. The stifling and inhibiting nature of the bush is reflected through the appearance of the bushmen in “slop sac suits, red faces and old-fashioned flat-brimmed hats” where accumulation emphasises their outdated and peculiar matching of clothes. Lawson here highlights the inadequacy of the inhabitants in the desolated outback with their uncivilised outlook. Lawson further employs dark humour in “death is about the only cheerful thing in the bush” to convey the view that only death can break their lonely and monotonous life, elucidating his sardonic perception of life in the outback.  Lawson ultimately projects a distinctive eye-witness account of the blighted Australian landscape to elucidate his unsentimental perspective on the bleakness of bush life.

Similarly, in The Bush Undertaker, Lawson presents a series of vignettes of a bush man’s life, which convey his strange familiarity with death and eccentric behaviour due to unwelcome nature of bush life. The protagonist is characterised as “hatter”, “shepherd”, and “bush undertaker” which reveals his multiple personalities produced by the mind-numbing loneliness of isolation and the grinding monotony of the bush. This is reinforced as he admits ironically that “I ain’t a-spendin’ sech a dull Christmas arter all” which accentuates the distinctive image of the strangeness of old man as he spends a traditionally wholesome occasion with a bizarre grotesque ritual, thus inducing sympathy in readers for his alienated existence. The embedded sibilance in “awful scrutiny that gleamed on him from those empty sockets” quickens the pace and emphasises the horrific visual shock when the old man faces the mummified corpse which turns out to be his old friend, Brummy, thus conveying the ghastliness of a lonely death in the bush. This is furthered through the dark humour “nothing much mattered in the bush” to highlight the central truth that there is no distinction between living and death in the outback. Lawson therefore powerfully constructs a distinctive visual image of hardships in the outback to offer readers his view of the desolated bush.

Likewise, in the poem, "North Country", Kenneth Slessor brings to life the distinctive image of spoiled pristine natural environment  through the use of striking graphic imagery which provides a negative representation of Australian landscape. Slessor thus reveals his perspective of humanity’s fading appreciation for intrinsic beauty of nature which results from its selfish obsession with industrial progress. Slessors introduces a playful visual image of personified "gesturing woods", which elucidates the vitality of the trees and offers rejuvenation. Then, he provides a starkly contrasting imagery of harsh imposition of man-made structures in “But verticals and perpendiculars” to portray a distinctive image of human’s greed causing extinction of nature with the use of fatalistic tone “but” conveying his criticism of this fact. In the end of 2nd stanza, Slessor uses semi-colon to mark the passage of time which conveys the majestic sight of trees that "nobody cares" for are the only remains of the persona's memories thus emphasising the neglect of nature. The dead trees appear to be "like broken teeth with smoky antlers broken in the sky" and this highlights that they are slaughtered like stags in large mass and the repetition of "broken" intensifies the severe damage caused by human violence, thus reinforces Slessor's criticism towards human's single mindedness.  In final line, Slessor portrays trees as a victim of mankind through the graphic imagery evoked by personification of them "dripping red with blood" in which the lurid appearance of blood intensify the violent murder of trees for the sake of humanity’s relentless progress. Hence, Slessor’s use of graphic imagery brings to life the distinctive image of harmed nature which intensifies an awareness of humanity’s brutal capacity for destruction and reveals his view of the transience of natural world.


In conclusion, both Lawson’s short stories  In a Dry’s Season  and the Bush Undertaker  and Slessor’s poem “North Country” project distinctive visual images into reader’s mind through the use visual and poetic devices which draw them into realistic experiences of the world. Thereby, offering diverse perspectives of the world can reshape and enhance reader’s understanding which induces critical reflection.

Okay, so, the only reason I haven't said much at all throughout the essays is because you're doing a good job. Your quotes are integrated well, your analysis is really appropriate, your flow is good, your paragraphs well structured and appropriate.

The way I see it:

The Drover's Wife
In a Dry Season/The Loaded Dog
The Bush Undertaker

Is the sort of 'hierarchy of goodness' (which is really just what I like best), so I'd agree that you should go with Drovers/Dry Season, but the other two are really up to scratch as well (they're really close to each other is what I mean). All in all I just think you should be really confident going into your exam. The only things I'd point out are the comma in your introduction, and *maybe* trying out using 's' ending words... But if you do this, you don't want to go 50-50 between s and d. You want to go basically all of one or the other, so if you feel like you'll slip up and forget (potentially a likely scenario), just stick with the d words.

Let me know if you have any further questions!!

[jamonwindeyer]

Just a quick notice that any essays posted between now and Paper 2 may not get super detailed feedback. The markers focus needs to be with handling last minute questions, and if we want to get the feedback to you before your exam, we won't be able to spend as much time. This is probably for the better, so you guys can implement the big changes quickly and work on smashing out your exams!

[Crystaljayy]

This is my AOS speech on discovery on the text away.

Just wanted some help on confirming its strength in relation to examples and explanations.
Also how it could be improved and what can be fixed.

Thank you for giving up your time to help out.

[jamonwindeyer]

This is my AOS speech on discovery on the text away.

Just wanted some help on confirming its strength in relation to examples and explanations.
Also how it could be improved and what can be fixed.

Thank you for giving up your time to help out.

Hey Crystal! Welcome to the forums!

Thanks so much for posting your essay. We have a requirement that you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up, and that the help is going to the active members of the community if you hang around the site a bit, ask some questions, etc etc, you'll get to 15 posts really quick! Then just come back and let us know!

(You can read the full essay marking rules here)