If you can be bothered reading it all, there's some very good ones in the text wall...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
GRETCHEN WIENERS:
Oh my God. You can't just ask why the chicken crossed the road.
PARIS HILTON:
Huh?
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.
HILLARY CLINTON:
I’m glad my staff asked you to ask me that question. I chaired the senate chicken investigation which sought to determine exactly why this is happening and what we can do to stop it. I have a great deal of experience with chickens. I’m also very very likable and nice, isn’t that right Mom?
HILLARY CLINTON (2):
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.
SIGMUND FREUD:
The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverständlich.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:
Finally, a question about something I know about. Down at the ranch in West Texas, we used to hunt chickens and they’d run across the road, where my brother would run over them with a truck. That’s what you call resourcingfulness, and I’m full of it.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH (2):
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
TONY BLAIR:
I agree with George.
JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? What is wrong with that chicken?
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road but why it crossed, I’ve not been told.
GROUCHO MARX:
Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
KARL MARX:
To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
MR SCOTT:
'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning proprely. Ah canna work miracles, captain!
DESCARTES:
It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
ZSA ZSA GABOR:
It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which thank goodness are good, dahling.
GREGOR MENDEL:
To get various strains of roads.
SALVADOR DALI:
The Fish.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the Chickens on the other side of the road.
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the Chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
JULIUS CAESAR:
It came, it saw, it crossed.
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraqi ambassador):
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
DOUGLAS ADAMS:
Forty-two.
ISAAC NEWTON:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
JACQUES DERRIDA:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned,because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
And as we watch the lone chicken undertake this hazardous journey, we can only wonder at the awesome nature of this dangerous, yet necessary, migration.
HEISENBERG:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
MEL GIBSON:
Why do you think the chicken crossed the road? Because its a (censored) Jew. Jews think they can just (censored) cross the street whenever they want. Jewish chickens are responsible for all the wars in the world...are you a Jew??
C++ PROGRAMMER:
chicken->CrossRoad() was called from chicken->GetOtherSide()
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CARL JUNG:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
GOETHE:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
NIETZSCHE:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
RICHARD NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
PLATO:
For the greater good.
RONALD REAGAN:
I forget.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
MARK TWAIN:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
VOLTAIRE:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
JESSICA SIMPSON:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?
GEORGE ORWELL:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
HAMLET:
That is not the question.
O.J. SIMPSON:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
BAHA MEN (band):
WHO LET THE CHICKENS OUT.....ku...ku..ku..kuku
MICROSOFT:
The Windows Chicken can cross any given road in eleven different ways, not counting the use of wizards who will actually cross the road for the chicken. If you can remember all eleven ways, you can become a Microsoft Certified Poultry Specialist (MCPS). If you come up with new way for the Windows Chicken to cross the road, you can become a Microsoft Certified Solution Provider (MCSP.) But if you come up with a whole new chicken altogether, then you will become a Microsoft Certified Enemy (MSROADKILL).
MOSES:
Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.
BASIL FAWLTY:
Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.
THE SPHINX:
You tell me.
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