In response to some people's feelings about why I'm doing this, as well as a long conversation with myself, I feel as if I have to explain this journal in a bit more depth. So, here's what I have to say:
The purpose of my writing here is NOT to gain respect points, or to try and push myself into people's lives. Granted, I can feel invisible a lot of the time (doesn't everyone?), and granted, that feeling makes those respect points extra juicy (yum), but this does NOT mean that I am posting my inner world here to get respect or likes
of any form.
I don't care what you think about me as a person. I don't care if you feel uncomfortable knowing that the world isn't perfect. If you don't like what I write about in this journal, don't read it. It's that simple.
ATAR Notes is a place where I can come to help others and get help myself. It's an outlet, a place where I can just breathe out all of my troubles anonymously and freely, school-related or otherwise, but also support others who do the same. I don't care about the respect, I care about lifting people up and helping them become the best students and people they can be, while at the same time benefiting from another's contributions. I should not feel like I have to justify myself and what I feel here.
To clarify, I'm not taking an aggressive stance to anybody. I'm merely stating how I feel, with the hope that people might understand that this thread is not "for the likes", it's for my own motivation and well-being, and I pray that people can comprehend that.
... *and after the rant* ...
Whell, hello. Sorry about that y'all, but it was needed.
If you've read my previous post from march 7th, you'd know that high jump is something I cannot seem to do, and I find this extremely embarrassing. So, imagine the irony when I learned that I was signed up for Open High Jump on our school's athletics day in a week... huh.
I'm also doing 100m relay, 400m, three-legged race, year 12 various joke sports, and shot put because it's my last year and I wanted to even if my arms are flippin' spaghetti and NOBODY CAN STOP ME. Also I'm 5'8 and look really angry about 94% of the time (angry is actually my thoughtful face, but meh) so nobody wants to tell me I can't do something.
More updates on that in a week. We’ll see if I can get to the division competitions, huh? (LMAO as if).
Anyway, lately I’ve been feeling a lot more motivated in subjects such as Physical Education and Biology, but a lot less motivated in Further and Legal Studies, which is probably a good thing because I transferred into 3 & 4 P.E. without doing 1 & 2, and Biology is just damn complicated. But it’s also a bad thing because, well… I need to keep all of my subjects in order, not just one or two, and our teacher in Legal is a little bit… well, he’s really, really old. His voice makes me feel like going to sleep because he’s just so quiet and gentle and ANCIENT and I can never concentrate in class, which is terrible.
I’m waiting for my marks on my English essay, and I’m so stressed about the mark I’m going to get, but it should be about C+ - B worthy, so I think I’m okay.
I feel like I’m on a bit of a hiatus from all of the other weird thoughts going on in my head, and I’m glad for it. I want to keep it that way.
The events of last night: my little brother (13 y/o, bless his gangly soul) invited me to a church event that his friend invited him to in the city. The traffic in Melbourne is INSANE this weekend, with Ed Sheeran and Moomba and lord knows what else all on at the same time. So we caught a bus in with a bunch of other teenagers and met up with hundreds more and basically just vibrated and screamed a lot because the music was loud and funky and the guy on stage kept shouting “JESUS!” and the crowd would reply with “JESUS!” just ten times louder.
It was wild.
Look, I don’t count myself as Christian (see previous posts), but the atmosphere in that building was
crazy. I’ve been going through the motions of going to churches and knowing the lyrics and singing and volunteering like a good little child of God for years now, but I just feel empty.
The sermon at this youth group was on how we were valued by God, and it made me really... angry. I stood and clapped and sang and moshed and waved my arms around when everyone else did, but, to be completely honest, I was
furious. I was in a room full of hundreds of people my age, older, younger, and almost all of them were there because they love the God they were praising so fervently. Was I the only one there that felt like I wasn’t worth it, that - even though the preacher was telling me I was loved by the God of everything - still didn’t believe it? In fact
hated the god he was praising?
The preacher told the congregation that none of us were mistakes, because we were loved by God.
Well, here’s my dilemma: If I was hated by that God, if He didn’t really care about me, then what is my life worth compared to others’?
The answer:
I am nothing.It’s times like those that I feel at my loneliest, my lowliest, because I know,
I just know, that if the people in that room knew my thoughts in that moment, they would have pushed me out onto the streets and left me there in the cold. Because I realised what I was, what I am:
A pretender.I don’t have the strength to say one or the other, or to pull away from my family’s firm beliefs. I don’t have the mental fortitude to forgive a god who lets his people hurt each other, or to deny any faith in such a god entirely.
I am lost, and no God can find me.