this is a bit of my story I guess.
hey there.
Firstly, no one hates you here, from what I’ve read from all your earlier journal posts, you are a bright and beautiful soul. We all want to belong somewhere, and for some of us, it takes a long while until we finally feel at peace with who we are and who we are surrounding ourselves with. You will always have a place here, everyone who comes here does. You matter, don’t ever doubt that.
High school is often filled with many fake, toxic people who bring you down and there very few people who are genuine. From my experience (this is a small proportion of people compared to the real world), girls, can really be too much, judgemental, slanderous and addicted to gossip and posting millions of pictures for attention, to get validation they so desperately seek, because deep down, they’re insecure. Guys, on the other hand, are a thousand times better and so much easier to talk to and you actually can enjoy spending time with them. And high school at the end of the day, is such a tiny part of your life, that will be so insignificant in a few years. You will find your place, and your people. We all change so much throughout life and only really find ourselves much later, our true selves emerge when we find our people and are comfortable being our true selves.
I understand what you mean completely. I just wrote all about that, I know what it’s like to give your all and always be there for people, only to get the bare minimum or nothing in return. To keep trying and trying but waiting for someone to fight for me and love me the way I do them. People don’t get that you can be surrounded by crowds of people, many whom you may consider friends and still always be on the precipice, like you’re watching everything through glass and you aren’t being seen. And you have to remember, you can’t solve everyone’s problems because you’ll just burn out. You can only do the best you can but you can’t be expected to give your everything all the time, it drains you, so for those people who really matter, let them know you care but that you can’t always be there to carry all their emotional baggage because then you’ll have nothing left. You need to look after you first.
You are capable and you can do anything. You have a fire inside of you and you will make amazing things happen. There will come a day when what people think doesn’t matter and you just won’t care anymore. Anyone who acts like nothing bothers them and they have such impenetrably thick skin and nothing can get to them is just lying to themselves, it’s just a shield to protect them from getting hurt, they put on the tough act, but really they hurt more than those who are ‘thin-skinned’.
One day you will look in the mirror and smile and love yourself and just be who you are when you figure out who that is. All this high school stuff, it’s all temporary. All those toxic people who we spend so much attention on, they won’t get anywhere in life, they won’t mean anything, because you don’t get anywhere by poisoning others around you, it’s people like you Lexie, who will be remembered in life. A time will come in a few years when you’ll find people who see your light and value and appreciate and adore and love you and won’t be able to imagine their world without you.
In the meantime, you will find people here who understand and care about you. Writing is extremely beneficial to let all the thoughts and feelings bogged down in our mind out and it means we can also try to offer our views and help out. Do all the things that bring you joy everyday and spend lots of time with dogs, who never judge you or care about who you are or how you speak or dress or look, all they want is you and your heart and that’s why dogs are the best thing to exist in this world because dogs are so pure and beautiful and perfect and will always love you.
Hold on until then sweetie, this isn’t forever, we are rooting for you.