Hey everyone, can someone please check my introduction for the PIP, its attached bellow. All help is much appreciated, thank you.
Okay, so the first thing im going to say is that as there is a 500 word max limit to the intro, you'll need to cut down on some words here and there.
In the first paragraph, you have listed the last sentence in quotation marks, so obviously you have quoted it from somewhere, meaning you need to include the standard sort of reference you do when quoting a phrase. You could add a footnote/endnote at the end to include this.
I like the fact that you clearly listed what your hypothesis was in the second paragraph, although i found it hard to find where it began and ended. My interpretation is that the hypothesis mentioned in the paragraph was
"my hypothesis suggests that Lebanese immigrants and born Australians may be exposed to misinterpretations that have influenced the aforementioned controversial opinions" and the rest was just building and adding to this idea. Is this the case? In any case the fact that someone (me in this instance, but it could be other people too) has failed to 100% discern what your hypothesis is means that it may be misinterpreted. What if a PIP marker misinterprets your hypothesis, and marks the rest of your PIP with this misinterpreted idea in their head, which could potentially lose you marks
I'm keen to hear how the interview with the immigration minister goes. However, some people who work in the immigration department such as his advisers may be better points of contact as they are experts advising the minister. The minister is mostly a political figurehead
Are you doing a personal reflection? If so, it isn't very stated.
Also, it seems to me that you have not stated your cross cultural comparison (or have you, and i just can't spot it?). You should include a clear statement of your cross cultural comparison somewhere in your intro, it doesn't have to be very long though.
I also like how you have a level of complexity in this intro, it meets the right standard for what is expected in social research and the pip. However, i believe it lacks some clarity. There is a difference between complexity and clarity and having both is key to a good response. It seems very complex, but the way it goes about this makes it less clear. Try making it clearer without increasing the complexity too much more!
In terms of how might refine your structure, beatroot wrote a small structure for how a introduction should go for another student. It goes as follows:
Paragraph 1: The 'intro' to the 'intro'
- Statement of topic
- Why you chose the topic
- Outline what each chapter will involve
- Your aim and hypothesis
- Statement of cross cultural comparison
- Statement of concepts
Paragraph 2: Research methods
- Statement of primary research methods
- What you did in your primary research (do this part AFTER you've actually done the primary research)
- Statement of secondary research methods
- Statement that you will adhere by the principles of ethical research
Paragraph 3: Your journey
- Statement on how you've gained social and cultural literacy through this PIP
- How you will grow as a researcher
- How you've grown as a personAll in all, this is a good start. As you work on your pip more and more, this introduction will obviously change. It's important not to spend too much time refining it now, you should focus on your central material now and come back to this later. You'd be surprised how much it may change for you!
If you need any more help, let me know!
I hope this does help though
Hey, Bea!
Here's the link to the proposal I wrote for my assessment task. Could you please provide some pointers as to how I could develop this into the introduction as my teacher suggested?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1191SDqp7fHlbhhCRJVlcn8_aFFvmFSXFkoP-A_wEs4w/edit?usp=sharing
Thanks for letting me know! I will attach a doc instead just to make sure I get it right this time!
Hey, so this doc now does work, i can access your proposal!
Just by reading your proposal, it sounds very good, and very well thought out.
If i was your teacher, and i read that as your pip proposal, i would definitely say go for it!
I wholeheartedly agree with the parts beatroot has layed forward as parts to use for your introduction.
Definietly keep in mind the two introduction structures she has shown, they will help alot!
Also, the parts she has highlighted in bold will not make the 500 word limit, as something to add, think about building a layer of complexity. You have all the nessacary parts, now deepen your written expression. "make it sound better" (for lack of a better word).
Good luck!