Hey fam
So regarding my own pip journey, something I haven't focussed on much is my introduction.
So I thought i'd piece something rough together to make myself feel better, that I've completed a draft on it and got some summarising points down; as a lot of my work up until now has been updating my log (was way behind) constructing a rough survey (that's still not ready yet ) and doing secondary research.
I thought i'd post my rough and ready draft for a bit of feedback.
Keep in mind, this is very rough. It's got a long way to go before it looks good. It is 484 words.
But any advice is valued!
Intro is in the spoiler. Thanks peeps!
Hey there!
I'm no expert in introductions (I still need to write mine xD) but I have read a few so this is just my opinion on your introduction.
Warning: I'm very finicky so I've written a fair bit here.
Spoiler
“You’re an only child? You must be SO spoilt”; “Don’t you get lonely?”; “You’re an only child? Wow that explains a lot…”; “I bet you wish you had a brother or a sister, don’t you?”Changed the commas to semi-colons- to me, too many commas can be confusing, especially if you're listing. These are all questions that are experienced by only children. These are the stereotypes that are placed upon us. The ideas for my pip PIP (me being picky xD) were formed from questions just like these: What is it like to grow up as an only child? What it is like to grow up with siblings? Are these the focus questions you will be addressing in your PIP? Personally, I think grouping all the focus questions into one paragraph can kinda make it flow better. My specific topic focuses on only children, and how they develop and interact in the macro world compared to those who grew up with siblings. I chose this area of inquiry as I myself am an only child, and I want to see how my development is affected by my lack of siblings. I think you should put your hypothesis here. For example, "Hence, the hypothesis addressed the idea of *insert hypothesis here*."
All those stereotypes about us, are they really all true? Does having siblings have that much of an effect on our identity formation? Do we really prove all those stereotypes true? Again, are these ideas you will be exploring? Maybe move it up to where your questions are in the first paragraph. To me, these questions kinda feel like a filler. If adding these questions to the first paragraph makes it a bit too long, either collapse some of them into one question or make them succinct. My specific hypothesis is addressing “An individual’s identity formation is not dependent on weather whether or not they have siblings” I am aiming to disprove that growing up without siblings has any SIGNIFICANT impact on the way a child grows up, versus how they grow up with siblings. As an extension of this, I will focus on in detail the common stereotypes associated with only children, and I will seek to disprove them. Like I said before, move your hypothesis to the first paragraph. Considering how long it is, try and condense it into one or two sentences.
This project will focus on a few different primary research methods to compare and contrast to secondary research and either backup or disprove my hypothesis. The methods that will be used are questionnaires, interviews and focus groups. The questionnaires will aim to gain some quantitative data in order to make some base generalisations. The interviews and focus groups will aim to divulge deeper into this topic to gain qualitative data that will build upon the findings made by the questionnaires.
Based on the reporting notes I've read, you need to justify your methods but you're not really justifying why you chose these research methods. Instead of combining primary and secondary research into one paragraph and talk about your cross-cultural comparison from the next paragraph and blend these two ideas together. For example, in one paragraph you could say: "Through the use of varying primary research methods, a comparison can be made between (say) Generation Z and Generation X. This is because *insert reasons why questionnaires (open-ended? closed-ended?), interviews (again, what type?) and focus groups can help you with this comparison.* In the next paragraph, talk about your secondary research and how that can support your primary research- mention a few sources you've annotated, maybe some books or journal articles?
These stereotypes have not always been the same though. Over time, they have changed. You've already mentioned in the previous sentence that these stereotypes aren't the same. You repeated it again in a different way, making it redundant. From the beginning of the 20th century until now there has been changes in the perceptions of only children and how they interact within their micro world and the greater macro world Or you could just say "micro and macro world"? Therefore, this project will draw comparisons between previous and modern day perceptions of only children and how they have changed over time. This component will allow me to explore the changing percpptions perceptions of the macro world towards the individual interactions and traits of only children. You've already mentioned in the previous sentence about change so repeating this is a bit unnecessary. You can condense this into one sentence. For example, "... and how they have changed over time through the analysis of individual interactions and traits of only children. It aims to gain an understanding of how the perdeptions perceptions have changed. You've mentioned change already.[/b], and what forces have led to these changes Maybe instead of repeating changing perceptions, take that out and expand on these changing forces. What has impacted the change? Include some SAC concepts here to expand your point., presenting me with view that is beyond my normal realm of experience. Include the sentence below this paragraph here.
As an only child, this project personally resonates with me, I aim to gain a deeper understanding of myself, as an only child and as an extension, become a more socially and culturally literate individual. Considering how the whole purpose of the PIP is to make us more socially and culturally literate, I feel like this feels like a regurgitation of a generic line. Considering how this is already 484 words, maybe shorten your first paragraph- maybe reduce the questions at the beginning (the ones in the first sentence) so you can expand this a bit more. Why can this PIP make someone socially and culturally literate? Is it allowing people to be more aware of the stereotypes attached to 'only children'?
Overall comments:
- You've included what you need in an introduction (e.g. what's the topic, why you chose it, primary and secondary research, what makes you a socially and culturally literate person)
- Based on my readings on exemplar introductions, I find that they are more formal than the log- I noticed you used a lot of personal pronouns so I'd say reduce that
- Condense some of your questions (especially the ones in the first sentence)- it's a great hook but I think three is the magic number
- You've only mentioned a few SAC concepts in your introduction. I'd suggest adding a few more (and try not to force them onto your topic) because HSC markers love SAC concepts.
So yeah, these are my thoughts. I'm no expert in this (and sorry for being so pedantic xD)- pretty sure beatroot is more of an expert here. However, if you need an exemplar to help you, I'd suggest
this one.Hope this helps!