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April 27, 2024, 10:29:43 pm

Author Topic: Anyone provide feedback on my oral draft  (Read 3273 times)  Share 

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dragsink

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Anyone provide feedback on my oral draft
« on: April 29, 2019, 10:07:20 pm »
+1
*missing a conclusion btw*

Our paramedics provide a crucial and important component of Australia’s public health care system. They are the first responders to any emergency case we have, wither its life threating or not. There are over 16,000 full-time paramedics employed in Australia alone and respond to over 3 million calls every year.
Hello everybody, today I am here to discuss the dangers of being in the paramedic workforce, more importantly the alarming rates of assault that has been appearing lately and how this can severely traumatize them. Secondly, how the State and Federal Governments should be providing more funding and lastly, what can we do about the issue of violence in the workforce.

I would just like to start by saying that we may not all appreciate having them for us. We tend to think that they have only one duty to do and that is to take us to hospital. Well, this is often not the case. Recently, an alarming rate of assault, being conducted mostly at night has led to some paramedics speaking up. On average a paramedic in Victoria is assaulted every 50 hours and that last year alone, there has been over 150 instances of assault reported. Steff Dewhurst, a paramedic who has been doing the profession for 4 years has recently been assaulted, abused and threatened over the past year. Now I would imagine that on that day, she came into work believing that she would be home safe after her shift, however this is not the case. Steff emphases how at one point a patient told her that he was going to stalk her and strangle her to death. Ms Dewhurst was assaulted so badly she was in a coma, she remembers the paramedics voices saying ‘can you open your eyes’ and ‘squeeze my hand Steff’ I can imagine what she went through and now there’s a chance she may never come back, because of what person did.  Ambulance Victoria has indeed taken several measures to stop deterrence such as the ‘It’s never ok’ campaign by Worksafe Victoria which highlights that aggression and abuse towards paramedics and health-care workers is unacceptable.

Moving on, there has been some controversy on how poorly Paramedics have been treated by the State Government. Fatigue issues, failing to improve working conditions and failing to upgrade defective equipment are some of the problems they are currently facing, with no help from the State Government. Paramedics should be entitled to better access to breaks, more resources, better pay and improved paramedic safety. These things can’t magically appear out of nowhere, they have to be funded for. However, many people argue that the State Government does allocate funding for paramedics and hiring new staff, however, this simply can’t be enough. If we continue to face this problem in the future, then trainee paramedics should be trained to deal with these circumstances and also, why is it that Ambulance Victoria has recently implanted ‘no go zones’ throughout Victoria where a police escort is required at every visit to a patient’s house, even our own suburb Hampton Park is listed as one of them. What does this tell you about it



Lastly, I would just like to bring up on how we, as a nation can do to try to put a stop to this. When we think of violence, we typically think of alcohol. Well this can be the case however there are other forms of violence.  A paramedics main focus is to care for the patients they are sent to. They are there for help however this becomes way too easy for family members, bystanders to vent out frustrations against the ambulance crew. Many people say that Ambulance Victoria is already taking out measures on this, by writing up messages on their vehicles. However, I would like to point out that this is simply not enough and that I doubt people would seriously take a chance to re-consider their actions. We should introduce new laws to offenders, this would act as a deterrence and depending on how serious the case is, the harsher the sentence is.


-end-

Bri MT

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Re: Anyone provide feedback on my oral draft
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2019, 07:40:51 am »
+3
It's clear that this is a topic you're passionate about - which is a great start.  However,  it would be good to move your speech further from being a rant and closer to a planned speech. By this,  I mean that you should keep the passion and energy but pay closer attention to the structure & design of your sentences and speech overall. 

For example, your contention is scattered.  I'd also argue that you could make your speech stronger by putting the anecdote at the start to create interest & build an emotional connection.

In regards to sentence structure,  there are some places with awkward phrasing that should be fixed (eg. where you have used "however" twice in the one sentence).

Let me know if you have any questions about this feedback & good luck :)

jeremychoo

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Re: Anyone provide feedback on my oral draft
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2019, 05:03:01 pm »
+2
One thing that might help your speech would be to place yourself in your audience's position and then think about how they may be affected. I personally think you need to appeal more to your audience sense of logic, emotion and values (logos, pathos and ethos). Because that is ultimately what determines the impact of your speech. Remember your focus is on convincing or propelling your audience to do something, not just revealing your frustration.

Sine

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Re: Anyone provide feedback on my oral draft
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2019, 05:31:40 pm »
+1
-Introduce yourself (either at the very beginning or after the initial 3 sentence spiel)
-Have an overall message, I can see that you have 3 main arguments which are great but can you link them together to exhibit the big picture. This would allow you to reinforce it quickly at the end too.
-Whilst structure is important to remember that it is an oral presentation so it needs to be fluent orally rather than in text format. There were a few awkward bits of phrasing included.
-I think you alluded to one a little bit but try to see your opposing point of view  - explain that (make sure it is actually a valid argument e.g. funding) and then make a counter-argument.
-Also, remember the content of your speech is just as important as your tone/slides(if you are allowed) and audience engagement and interaction.
-Some of your points are too broad  - try to make a few specifics e.g. "Paramedics should be entitled to better access to breaks, more resources, better pay and improved paramedic safety." - currently, what do they have in terms of breaks/resources, etc and explain why it is not enough.

dragsink

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Re: Anyone provide feedback on my oral draft
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2019, 08:58:04 pm »
+2
It's clear that this is a topic you're passionate about - which is a great start.  However,  it would be good to move your speech further from being a rant and closer to a planned speech. By this,  I mean that you should keep the passion and energy but pay closer attention to the structure & design of your sentences and speech overall. 

For example, your contention is scattered.  I'd also argue that you could make your speech stronger by putting the anecdote at the start to create interest & build an emotional connection.

In regards to sentence structure,  there are some places with awkward phrasing that should be fixed (eg. where you have used "however" twice in the one sentence).

Let me know if you have any questions about this feedback & good luck :)

ended up getting a "very high" on this, i think it's mainly the way i presented this oral essay and that i hope to use this essay next year if i can. Thanks for the feedback!