AOS Advanced English HELP

[gillv2017]

Hi! I was wondering whether you could take a peak at my AOS Essay and tell me if I am on the right track?

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi! I was wondering whether you could take a peak at my AOS Essay and tell me if I am on the right track?

Hey! Welcome to the forums!

So we have a place for you to upload your AoS essays for some feedback here! To be eligible for proper detailed feedback, you'll need to make 15 posts on the forums for every piece you'd like marked. You can see your post count just below your username on the left! This system is just to make sure the markers don't get too flooded, and that the time goes to the most active members of the community

So hang around the site, ask questions, and you'll get the 15 posts in no time! Then just post in that thread I linked to you above when you are ready

On a quick skim though, you've got some great analysis! I think you'd benefit from a longer introduction and a more rigid and obvious structure. The intro is a little short and doesn't really establish a main Thesis - The big idea that flows through your essay - In much depth. This Thesis should be established before you introduce your texts and then carry through the whole essay. Further, add to your introduction to set out what you will discuss in your paragraphs, to give the reader an idea of what is coming. Each paragraph should focus on a slightly different concept

Hope that tip helps - Looking forward to giving you some more detailed feedback soon!

PS - Essay marking rules are here!