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Author Topic: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)  (Read 605641 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #600 on: September 27, 2016, 10:21:44 am »
Here is my Module B essay - T.S. Eliot poetry.

Hey wesadora! Sorry for the delay in getting this back to you, feedback is throughout in bold! ;D

Spoiler
Question: Explore how the enduring nature of Eliot’s poetry can be attributed to Eliot’s poetic treatment of uncertainty and personal turmoil.
In your response, make detailed reference to at least TWO prescribed poems.


In a time shaped by post-war disillusionment and despondency with modern society, T.S. Eliot’s timeless poetry transcends the boundaries of his own era through the exploration of universal concepts. What are these concepts? You need to link to the questions specified themes a little more explicitly here. His poetic representation of a deteriorating modern society and the consequent ontological crisis faced by individuals of his time is represented in his poems ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ (henceforth, ‘Love Song’) and ‘Preludes’. Good. These works are injected with poetic expression of pessimistic attitudes, inadequacy of the individual and tedium of everyday life, in which individuals’ uncertainty and a resulting personal turmoil are communicated. This introduction feels a little bare; I'd like some more exploration of the themes, and a more explicit link to the audience (enduring value = audience impact beyond context).

Eliot conveys a pessimistic attitude towards modern society due to its ever-changing nature and it is this reflection on change that has contributed to the enduring value of his works. This concept, perhaps stemming from lack of detail in the Thesis, seems a little vague.  Written in the form of a dramatic monologue, Prufrock’s stream of fragmented thoughts creates a sense of uncertainty towards the future. The poem opens with a pleasant image of how “the evening is spread across the sky”, strikingly juxtaposed with a cruel image of a “patient etherized”. Eliot’s use of bathos creates a sense of unfulfillment and uncertainty, further developed to be a strong despondency towards post-industrial society. What is the effect on the audience, what new insight does the responder gain? In an essay on enduring value you need to explicitly reference WHY/HOW it is enduring by referencing the audience impact. This despondency is evident in his use of colourful sensory imagery, such as “the yellow fog that rubs its back” where yellow stands symbolic for being tainted with sickness and decay. Prufrock’s expression of “combing the white hair of the waves blown back” serves to mirror Prufrock’s old and weary growth, losing hope and confidence in the world through a personification of his decaying environment to be ageing along with him. Be careful that your conceptual statements stand separate from the text; meaning it should be more like, "This is the idea, this is where it is seen in the text," not, "This is the idea in the text." Subtle, but important. In Preludes, Eliot critiques the development of urban living to be bleak and sordid. Sensory imagery of the “withered leaves about your feet” is coupled with assonance to create a sense of hollowness. Perfect chance to link to audiences in the modern, urban world. Eliot approaches this wasteland of urban life with a negative attitude and lack of certainty in hope through expressing the “smell of steaks” and “burnt out smoky days”, in which urban deterioration is emphasised through the unpleasant tone and use of sibilance. Society’s failure to fulfil high expectations to thrive in the post-war industrial era has thus led Eliot to poetically express the urban deterioration that has also endured to develop today. Solid analysis in this paragraph! Excellent techniques and textual references. However, I'm not quite getting the "enduring value" part of this response, this will require stronger integration/consideration of your audiences and the impact on the audience!

With the rise of psychology as a school of thought in the 20th century, personal turmoils that stem from emotional conflict is a recurring subject in Eliot’s poetry as he notices the internalised struggle of each individual. What does he wish to say about this in particular? In Love Song, Prufrock suffers from an inferiority complex. Retell. His feelings of self-inadequacy is expressed in the refrain “in the room women come and go / talking about Michelangelo”. This is repeated throughout the poem to reflect the ongoing cyclical nature of his ambitions – where Michelangelo is used symbolically as a figure of great stature and intellect that Prufrock aspires to be in order to be noticed by these “women”. This was shifted towards retell; adding the specific technique of 'repetition' and changing your approach slightly could ix you. This personal turmoil of recognising his own self-value is magnified with the caesura of “No!” to express his deep sentiment of admitting “I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be”. What does this do for the audience? What is the purpose? How does it make the text enduring? Eliot alludes to Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ to juxtapose the Prince’s grand significance with Prufrock’s self-inadequacy, further expressed through metatheatrical language by being a mere “attendant lord” instead. Thus achieving? In Preludes, the persona faces the psychological uncertainty of their own identity as Eliot communicates the loss of individuality. The pretence of living luxuriously “with the other masquerades that time resumes” is highlighted against the personification of “time” being in control. Really love how you are integrating your quotes into your writing, very sophisticated. The irony of luxury amidst a squalid context portrays the emptiness of modern existence and is continued with the synecdoche of “hands” to depersonalise individuals.  A sombre tone and image of “dingy shades” is also coupled with a hyperbolic representation of losing one’s identity and individuality amidst the huge community of “a thousand furnished rooms”. Eliot recognizes the depreciation and uncertainty of individual worth in a modern but decaying society as a universal human experience in the past, as well as in the present. Another solid paragraph with good techniques, but you are falling into the pattern of this is the technique and this is the quote; you aren't doing enough with each of them.  The word 'enduring' does not appear in this paragraph; that should be an indicator that it fails to answer the question appropriately.

Eliot chooses to exhibit aspects of life’s seemingly perpetual monotony made clear through the enduring questioning of the value of life through his works. Eliot’s Prufrock is shown to be aware of life’s triviality and exposes life’s cyclical, damaging flaws. Slightly retell. He describes the “sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets”, threading together a sense of aimless continuity in the environment around him. Technique? The expression of having “measured” his life through “coffee spoons” is used as a metonymy for his inclination to focus on the minutiae of everyday life and represents one of many elements that cause his internal dreariness and uncertainty of life’s meaning. Good conceptual explanation, but again, what is the impact? What do we learn? Furthermore, the parallelistic isocolon of “time for you and time for me” amplifies an agitation and pursuit for action in taking refuge in the certainty of time – away from the uncertainty of what the future holds. Excellent variety of techniques to, at this point in the essay I go "Yep, they know their text and have critiqued its construction very well. In Preludes, Eliot continues to critique the same sordid tedium of urban life. Amidst the longing to escape monotony, the persona looks to “some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing”. Here, Eliot’s use of bicolon forms a pleasant image of hope in an effort of finding hope even through experiencing personal turmoil. Your expression may be improved by ensuring that the technique and quote are always in the same sentence. However, the pleasant sense of hope is quickly subverted with the lifelessness in how “the worlds revolve like ancient women gathering fuel in vacant lots”. The grand image of the revolving earth is juxtaposed with futile actions of women and echoes the narrator’s personal turmoils regarding his ennui towards everyday dealings. Eliot’s consideration upon the uncertainty and failure of finding genuine meaning towards life has contributed to the enduring relevance of his poetry today. I like your concluding statements, they work well with the question, but they aren't re-enforced in your response.

The enduring universal concepts explored in Eliot’s poetry is reflected in his poems The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and Preludes through critiquing the bleak deterioration of urban life. The resulting uncertainty and emotional turmoil of individuals in his era are a reflection of human experiences in coping with a dynamically developing world.  Thus, questioning the purpose of life through critical and pessimistic lens as well as delving into the psychological struggle of modern life become justifiable and are key attributes in Eliot’s poetry.


This is a really impressive essay for many reasons wesadora! A variety of well chosen quotes and techniques, you've considered the construction of your texts very carefully. Good conceptual explanations throughout (though I'd like some more detail in the Thesis to set me up a little better) and a good analytical style. Excellent work there!!

The small comments throughout might be of worth; some places where expression could be improved or retell removed. The big piece of feedback though is that you aren't answering the question.

This question demands that you explore the impact on modern audiences as a testament to the enduring value of the work. For it to be enduring, you need to impact universal responders. Right now, you aren't exploring what the composer has done to achieve this universality, because you aren't referencing the audience. You need to be thinking:

- What is the audience response (if this is an enduring text, the response is there, the themes are still important)
- What technique did the composer use to achieve this
- Why does it still work (WHY is the text enduring?)

And putting those frames of thinking into your analysis ;D you've hit the personal turmoil and uncertainty bit, now you need to hit the "enduring value" bit :) good work!!

wesadora

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #601 on: September 27, 2016, 05:14:20 pm »
awesome - thanks Jamon. Yeah to be honest I think I struggled with that and tried to redeem myself in the concluding sentences to throw in a few buzzwords to link to the question but....yep oops ^_^ I'll work more on it!

Thanks so much!!
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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #602 on: September 28, 2016, 08:48:18 am »
Hey here's my module C essay; Mod C was my worst in the trials so I went back and re-did it. The related text we were given in class couldn't be used for the trial but I liked it way better (and did better in the task for it than in trial) so I'm sticking with it :).
I haven't looked at it for a while, so any feedback is appreciated :)
Thanks  ;D ;D

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #603 on: September 28, 2016, 09:54:34 am »
Hey so my teachers are scolding me because they dont think this essay is a top mark essay because of one of the ideas which is "identity is irrelevant after death". They think that it is stupid to talk about due to it being such an obvious thing. I dont think they are correct. I think that if I adapt the essay to the question, i will do fine but I need another opinion. Could you please mark my essay and let me know if it is in the band 5 or 6 range? Or if it belongs in band 4 or less.

Also as it is 1200 words right now, I need to cut atleast 100 words. If you have any ideas of what I can cut that would be great!

Thank you!

Hi there! That idea about identity and death is very original! I'm keen to see how it works in the essay :)

In the spoiler below! :)
Spoiler
Shakespeare’s Hamlet is a proclamation of his own existential uncertainty; an expression of the fragility of an indecisive identity in the face of turmoil and abrupt change. Seriously impressed by this one!! What a solid, expressive opening!The play’s assertion of this indecision as the most dangerous type of identity is reinforced through the inevitable deaths it leads to; Shakespeare's conclusion being that, ironically, in death, identity is irrelevant. Just not 100% sure what you mean by "in death" - do you mean, after death? or, when discussing death? or, in experiencing the death of others one's own identity becomes irrelevant? I'm only hoping you can be more specific with this one because so far, this is one of the most outstanding thesis statements I have seen. So, you just want to make 100% sure by being super explicit.This pragmatic depiction of the indecisiveness of an individual through Shakespeare’s characters is the ultimate encapsulation of Shakespeare’s own uncertainty; itself the reason for Hamlet’s popularity amongst readers of universal societal contexts whilst raising opinions of critics like Maynard Mack who argue that humans perpetually remain in an “aspect of bafflement moving on a rampart between two worlds”. Really good! I enjoyed this a lot.
Shakespeare’s intention was not all pessimistic however; a false assumption being that he is asserting this dangerous indecisiveness as an inevitable characteristic within humanity. His own reaction to what he saw as a limited and archaic formulation of the ideal identity by his Elizabethan society for example was anything but indecisive; his personal approach of determined subversion and individuality being reflected through various examples moments/scenarios/scenes in the play. Shakespeare embodies his disagreement with his society’s popular view on identity initially through his critique of the Great Chain of Being. His creation of a parody of the Chain demonstrating its detrimental effect through the analogy that Gertrude is “a beast that wants discourse of reason”. Furthermore, his utilization Your computer might be sent to English (America), just make sure it's set to Australian English :) The correct spelling is utilisation. of the figurative language in Hamlet’s fourth soliloquy establishes Shakespeare’s dumbfounded view of the bizarre interpretations of identity made by his society, where he complies with the “rules” of the Chain by identifying a man as “a beast no more” if he is “but to sleep and feed”. Moreover, Shakespeare has connected Hamlet’s characterisation as an indecisive man in the Renaissance context to his identification as a Christian. His use of a pseudo-religious allusion as he is “prompted to revenge by heaven and hell” emphasizes emphasises the crucial role of identity in deciding whether or not to act, especially in the subtext of revengeful death, raising existential questions about our own personal identity in the face of turmoil and change in our own lives. I'm inclined to split this last sentence in half a bit. The reason being, you've got super good analysis at the start, and it is quite a long sentence. So it begins to just all flow together rather than stand as the important piece of information that it is. Otherwise, an amazing paragraph!

The discussion of identity as a motivator for action as well as a simultaneous justification for indecision is expanded further throughout the turmoil in the play. Shakespeare’s clear depiction of the important role of identity in dispelling indecision has prompted critics such as Goethe to agree with him, stating that “Hamlet is a man unfit for the task of revenge due to his identification”. In addition, Shakespeare characterises Hamlet as an indecisive “coward” who laments that “the time is out of joint.  O cursed spite, that I ever was born to set it right”, You do a really great job of embedding quotes perfectly. mirroring the contextual norm Shakespeare identified; itself a deconstruction of the complexity of human nature which he believed his society was oblivious to. Ok, long sentence! Slice it up to make it more readable. Everything you've said is great, it's just got to be accessible now. Hamlet’s eventual decision to finally take action in Act 5, Scene 2 is thus a stark moment of progression in the play, represented by a change from first person to third within his dialogue. The previous repetition of “I” is intentionally subverted by Shakespeare to reinforce this critique of his society’s view of a universal and limited identity. He explains that for a man living in the Elizabethan context to partake in such transgressive activity, murder, one must be selfish and abandon their identity in order to complete the action, before “conscience [may] make cowards of us all”. Thus, Shakespeare has effectively asserted the relevance of identity as the reason for our decisions; simultaneously asserting humanity's fragile reversion to indecision in times of turmoil and change. Good one! I'm going to comment on how this paragraph works with the first paragraph at the end. So read on, then flick to the end :)

Shakespeare’s continued analysis of existentialism is framed primarily through the fundamental motif of death in the text; his thesis being that his societies’ focus on social identity is a fallacy due to the lack of any identity in the afterlife. This lack of identity leads to Shakespeare’s primary assertion that death is the ultimate equaliser. The fatalism Shakespeare has portrayed within “Hamlet” is therefore essential in comprehending the complexities relating to taking action and inaction. Shakespeare characterises the main protagonist to be obsessed with death, allowing him to ponder its spiritual consequences, symbolised primarily through the ghost of Hamlet’s father. The didactic worm’s meat motif dictated in Hamlet’s dialogue regarding the dead Polonius’ presence at supper, “worms are e’en at him”, effectively describes the end result of all bodies, regardless of status. This is further reinforced in the repetition of “we” and the subsequent objectification symbolisation of humans as “dishes” in Hamlet’s metaphorical dialogue; “we fat all creatures… two dishes…”, as the great chain of being is eradicated. I love that you've piggybacked literary devices and analysis here! Dwery’s reading of the play supports the irrelevancy of identity after death through his proclamation that “Hamlet recognises the inevitability of death, accepting his father’s death”, while Shakespeare has further stressed this point in Act 1 Scene 2 through Gertrude’s dialogue in which she foreshadows that “thou know ‘tis common, all that lives must die”. In conjunction, yorick’s skull symbolises the contemplation of death that even the greatest of humans are subjected to, the quote, “what is ‘t to leave betimes? Let be” symbolising the irrelevance of identity in the inevitable and universal state of death. Indeed, this existential focus on death was one intended to subvert Shakespeare's own Elizabethan societies’ unnecessary obsession with identity; its irrelevance after death being the source of this motivation.
Although Shakespeare detests his societies’ strict view of identity, his more specific criticism of humanity generally is that indecisive identities as a case study often occur due to a legitimate lack of a just reason for action in the first place. Perhaps Shakespeare’s intent for the concluding moral of the play about action is that conclusively, it should be advised by a sense of legitimate reasoning. Freud’s acknowledgment of this reality that “the play is built up on Hamlet’s hesitations, but its text offers no reasons for these hesitations”, indicates the success of Shakespeare’s portrayal of the lack of a noble justification behind individual actions, leading to their indecisiveness. Furthermore, Shakespeare’s symbolic representation of murder describes the action through a metaphor as “hire and salary”, and thus, it is this lack of justification behind the senseless action that restricts Hamlet, and results in his inaction. Shakespeare’s demonstration of deficient motives resulting in the difficulty of deciding whether to take action or not, is supported through the indecisiveness in the soliloquy in Act 3 Scene 1, in which he rhetorically states, “to be or not to be, that is the question”. If you're looking for another technique to strengthen this - "to be or not to be" is an example of diacope repetition. Through Shakespeare’s depiction of Hamlet’s complex character, he has therefore successfully asserted his belief in the need for justification in order to not be confronted with the uncertainty of one’s actions and the resultant indecisive reflection of their identity and overall existence.
In summation, I think your sentence stands just as well without "In summation" at the beginning.the continual tension between action and inaction as a result of the complexities of identification and the sensitive issue of death and it’s connections with revenge, has been successfully asserted by Shakespeare throughout his dramatic play, “Hamlet”. Although, this is an exceptionally long sentence for a "summary." Aim to have at least 3, perhaps 4, sentences in your conclusion. So even though yours is similar in length to what that would be, it isn't similar in style. You've got a lot of ideas in a small space. Just flesh them out, in the conclusion give them the time they need. My interpretation accentuates an individual’s oscillation between taking and resisting action due to the lack of justification, the supplementary role that identity and inevitable death have within this indecision and the uncertainty they create regarding existence itself.

Okay! That was exceptional! I give this a band 6 in terms of the cohesiveness of ideas as relating to one another, the language, the analysis, just the right amount of context, etc. I understand what both you and your teacher are talking about with your death and identity argument. I agree with what you're saying, and I think we just need to bring it to the surface a bit more. It is my personal opinion that identity is relevant after death, because people remember your image and portrayal. I think it is a bit ironic for characters in the play to suggest that after their death, their identity is irrelevant, when in fact, they have been recounted in history by Shakespeare for their identity. The other thing that comes to mind is that in order for you to rule that identity is irrelevant after death, I think you need to provide why that is important - do the characters suggest otherwise? For this reason, I'm inclined to suggest that you swap your first and second body paragraph. The second paragraph details the importance of identity - so you're setting up the reason why identity would be important - but then you bring it down to reality that it is irrelevant after death shortly after. I think this might do the work of explaining why your paragraph isn't "obvious" as your teacher suggested, but rather, a contrast to the build up that identity is really important.

Obviously, there is no essay question I can see attached here so I can't comment explicitly on how that - but I'm guessing its a past paper response? My only other two small critiques are: some sentences are really long. Break it up a little. And, in the conclusion, you bring in "my." I think that you should change that to something more like, "A modern student of the work" or "A contemporary audience..." to bring it out of the first person situation. I'd get your teacher's opinion, but I know it is most commonly suggested by teachers to avoid the first person in the Mod B essay, even that it requires a personal response. And instead, insert your personal response into the response of a "contemporary audience" or something of that nature. At the end of the day, you've sustained a highly sophisticated response even with the first person voice creeping in - so I wouldn't stress at all. But if you're looking to be uniform, then that's a point to look at :)

There isn't just 100 words I could cut out. Instead, I'd be looking at rephrasing the first three sentences of each paragraph. Because it is often concept and context, I'd just slice and dice it together a bit more whilst trying not to lose the clarity. It might only shave 50 words off your work, but better than none!

Overall, you've done an EXCELLENT job here - your writing ability is your strongest asset at this stage I think!
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elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #604 on: September 28, 2016, 09:58:13 am »
Just wanted to say... Wow you guys are awesome. Went to your lecture yesterday to see Adv. English and Ancient and it was epic. You guys really know your stuff. Elyse cheers, learnt so much which my teacher hasn't taught us.
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyse's tips from the lecture.

Thanks so much! I've passed this on to Ash as well and she's stoked to hear you enjoyed her lecture, as am I! Best of luck with everything! Only 10 posts to go before you can get an essay marked :) And, thanks again! :)
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elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #605 on: September 28, 2016, 10:32:45 am »
Hi,

 Here's my individual study regarding Wilde's Dorian Gray and Stevenson's Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, the question is:
How do the authors Wilde and Stevenson explore the nature of moral corruption?

Thankyou!

Hi there! Sorry for the delay!!!! Your essay is in the spoiler below! :) I have to say - I don't know a lot about the requirements about "individual study" so I've tried to comment mainly on wording and expression :)

Spoiler
For most HSC modules, a conceptual statement starts off the essay. Not sure about SACE, but just throwing it out there in case :)Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray both explore an inner evil which is inherent to humans. A focus on human morality was a typical theme for the socially aware audiences of Nineteenth Century England, and throughout this time, the intended audience were noun/verb agreement: audience was or audiences were. completely aware of the importance of their image and social status. Both authors challenge their audiences to consider the significance of appearance in their judgments of an individual’s worth and raise questions about whether evil or moral corruption can assume a beguiling appearance. Both Stevenson and Wilde implement structural features and techniques which are pivotal to this exploration. Stevenson’s use of alternate perspectives, epistolary sections and symbolic representations allows the audience to understand and acknowledge that corruption can be hidden in society through the significant discrepancy between Jekyll’s social appearance and his true motives. Contrastingly, Wilde portrays the physical representation of the difference between one’s exterior appearance compared to their interior through his use of minor characters and symbolism. Is it common of SACE essays to have a sentence at the end of the introduction that rounds it up thematically?

Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their differing opinions on the state of the moral corruption through the implementation of minor characters and description of setting. Interesting approach with the minor characters! Wilde’s explicit contrast between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton allows the audience to understand the temptation which the inherent evil within us causes. Whereas, Stevenson compares the moral state of humans to the environment in which they live, hence “the provinces of good and ill which divide and compound man’s dual nature” . Dorian is profoundly influenced by Lord Wotton, as he believes that Henry has revealed him to “One of the great secrets of life” , a coma goes inside the quotation marks :) hence both Dorian and Wotton share similar moral perceptions and thoughts regarding scenarios where the personal opinions of individuals are required. Dorian understands that these moral values are “wrong [and] poisoness” ] yet simultaneously describes them as “fascinating [and] delightful” . As Dorian continues to become further influenced by Wotton’s philosophy, it appears and occurs to Henry that there is something “terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence” , however, Dorian is completely oblivious to the fact that Lord Wotton is not living the life that he projects. The feeling of enthrallment which Wilde exhibits through Lord Wotton results in Dorian continuing this abnormal lifestyle as Henry cannot disregard of his desire to be influential in the life of a fellow human. At this stage, we've had a series of quotes without a lot of analysis. In the assumption that SACE is similar to HSC, the most effective way to use quotes is to link them to a technique and effect. At this stage, you're painting the picture with them and describing the plot through quotes, rather than analysing the author's intentions behind the quotes. This authoritative personality towards Dorian contributes to his downfall, as Dorian is now obsessed with this presented philosophy and acquired egotistical demeanour. The contrasting characters of Dorian and Wotton highlight Wilde’s view that moral corruption and evil are the product of conscious decisions to fulfil one’s sybaritic desires. Good! Contrasting characters is a good analysis. Contrastingly, Stevenson’s understanding of moral corruption lies in his belief of an inherent evil which exists at the core of a man’s soul as a unquestionable aspect of duality. This is most clearly expressed in the revelation that Mr. Hyde is in fact Dr. Jekyll, only transformed into a personification of Jekyll's evil characteristics. Stevenson’s use of minor characters enables him to express the common opinion on moral corruption held at the time. The repeated opinion regarding Hyde from Jekyll’s butler, Mr Poole, Mr Enfield and Utterson, who all express an “…unknown disgust, loathing and fear”  towards this figure of Mr Hyde, of whom is seen as “…hardly human [and] something troglodytic…” . These observers look upon Jekyll with the “…visible misgiving of the flesh…” , and Jekyll attempts to explain the reason as to why they observe his corrupted nature. He states in this statement of his case that “…because all human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil; and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil” . The opinion of an outsider, Dr Lanyon, who leaves a letter, addressed to Utterson before his death, reveals the moral destruction which he faced when Hyde, produced in him “…some deep-seated terror of the mind” . This epistolary section allows Stevenson to truly reveal the impact that Hyde had on Lanyon’s physical and mental wellbeing, as Lanyon wrote “…my soul sickened… my life is shaken to its roots… I feel that my days are numbered, and that I must die; and yet I must die incredulous” . Wilde’s implementation of minor characters allows him to convey the shared opinion regarding the common perception of their Nineteenth Century audiences, that the moral corruption inherent within humans significantly affects their physicality and social view. In Wilde’s text, this role is played by the minor character, Basil Hallward. Basil is central to the text, due to the fact that Basil represents the voice of society and Wilde’s audience at the time of publication, the views of which he expressed, echoed that of the audience. Exactly how is Basil a voice of the text? Are his words in high modality, does he use the collective/inclusive first person, etc? At the moment, you're sharing your experience of Basil as the voice, but now you need to back up why. Basil explains that “…Sin is a thing that writes itself across a man’s face. It cannot be concealed”  which is further emphasised  later with comment, “it shows itself in the lines of the mouth, the droop of his eyelids, the moulding of his hands even” . Upon hearing the suggested rumours of Dorian’s moral corruption, he was in disbelief, as he was uncertain as to why Dorian’s physical appearance did not reflect his corrupted soul. Throughout both The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Wilde and Stevenson both employed minor characters to convey their shared opinion regarding the physical and mental state of those who encounter the moral corruption and the commonly held societal view of the time. 
This is a huge paragraph! I'd be splitting it in half, at least. Your ideas flow together in a big paragraph, but that means you lose direction and intention. When you start a new paragraph, you're forced to reconsider the intentions of your argument and express that accordingly.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their personal beliefs that evil is inherent in humanity; however, they accentuate this moral dilapidation in different ways. Stevenson uses alternate perspective to convey Jekyll’s attempts to supress the evil aspect of his nature, expressed through Mr Edward Hyde, whereas Wilde elucidates Dorian’s egotistical narcissism which is apparent due to his exquisite beauty, through the utilisation of symbolism. Good one! The portrait of Dorian, which is illustrated by his friend, Basil  Hayward, encapsulated Dorian’s “unstained purity of his boyhood” , however, his apparent beauty would evidently become “… a visible symbol of the degradation of sin” . Dorian’s malevolent state of his soul is symbolised through the hideous transformation which the portrait was “…wrinkling”  and exhibited “[a] heavy sensual mouth…” . Wilde also uses the “large, purple satin coverlet heavily embroidered with gold”  to cover the portrait drawn by Basil, reflecting that the sins he commits will blemish its beauty just as worms blemish the body of a corpse. Again, another example of not linking to a technique and effect. The cover, which is referred to as a “pall” , acknowledges the fact that this satin coverlet is the boundary between the view of society and Dorian’s moral death and “It was to hide something that had a corruption of its own, worse than the corruption of death itself” . Similarly, Jekyll’s hapless attempt to supress Hyde, results in this evil embodiment becoming festered, developing into an embodiment that is uncontrollable and overpowering, which causes greater damage to his soul and it’s “balancing instincts” . Although Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is primarily narrated from the perspective of Jekyll’s close friend and lawyer, Mr. Gabriel John Utterson, Stevenson utilises the perspective of Jekyll throughout the final chapter, “Henry Jekyll’s Full Statement of the Case” , where the association between Jekyll and Hyde is pronounced and revealed by Jekyll. Through the use of this change of perspective, Stevenson is able to accentuate his worries towards Jekyll’s character flaws, as Jekyll comments on the murder of Sir Danvers Carew by Hyde, “My devil had been long caged, he came out roaring.”  Jekyll also explains that “when the attempt is made to cast [evil] off, it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure”  Through the use of alternate perspective and symbolism, Stevenson and Wilde are able to convey their similar thoughts regarding the potential for individual attributes and qualities to exaggerate one’s immortality.  The two persisting techniques here are alternate perspective and symbolism. It's an interesting approach to discuss these two consistently throughout the paragraph, but I think it works. The way to enhance it now is to go forward and find more techniques in the little quotes you've used throughout! More on this at the end

When both Wilde and Stevenson’s use of textual references are contrasted against one another, it is evident that both Wilde and Stevenson have alternating views on the nature of moral corruption and the impact on which it has on one’s appearance and the perception that they hold in the public eye. Wilde’s use of contrasting characters, between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton highlights the fact that he believes that evil is apparent due to one’s immoral values whereas Stevenson makes it clear that the evil inherent within each individual is waiting to be released through the same technique. Their mutual concern for the moral corruption which this evil causes and that all humans are cabaple of coming heinous acts is shown through Wilde’s use of the central minor character, Basil Hallward and Stevenson’s application of outsider perspective. Both Stevenson and Wilde convey the similar opinion that the fatal personal characteristics stem from the desire of approval throughout society, however, the both also refute the belief the Victorian belief that moral corruption would be publicly visible through the use of stylistic features.Love this ending bit!. Through Wilde and Stevenson’s exploration of the inescapable evil inside all, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde both challenge the audience to question this apparent evil, the consequences and its impact on human life. This is a long conclusion! I usually suggest about 4 sentences suits well. In saying that, I think it is a great summary of the above! If you need to cut out words, cut out something from here. Probably just by blending sentences together, and cutting some phrases.

I have no doubt that you have a really good grasp on the texts! You've described the narratives in relation to each other really well. I want to comment more on the structure, which you'll have to take with a grain of salt because I don't know the demands of this module enough. Essentially, the first body paragraph needs to be smaller because you lose direction of the argument. At the top and end of a paragraph, you force yourself to align your perspective, which is great! So, don't be afraid of splitting it up :)

As for your analysis:
Each quote should be used in a way that it adds to your textual analysis. Again, this is under the assumption that your module requires textual analysis and not just plot contrasting. So, every single time you use a quote, find a technique inside. Look for the obvious but overlooked things like, first/second/third person narration, or past/present/future tense. These are in just about every single quote. Or, look at the connotations/denotations of an adjective. You can be really specific when looking for these things. Alternatively, look for symbolism, metaphors, etc. You've done a lot of this already in your most important quotes, but it is important to pair each little quote with a greater purpose, beyond just adding to the plot. Does this make sense? So, by all means, have a small quote here or there that doesn't really contribute to the analysis, but rather, makes the understanding more wholesome. But, for the most part, you want to pair every quote with some kind of technique, and then the effect. This is what I mean when I was talking about Basil above - how is Basil the voice of the people? What is it in Basil's quotes that show this?

What I do want to commend you on enormously is your integration of the texts! You've done a stellar job of flipping between the two consistently. That's often a difficult thing to do because you can be so carried away with one text, but you've done it awesomely!

Hope this makes sense! Please, only take on what is relevant to SACE! :)
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Jakeybaby

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #606 on: September 28, 2016, 12:13:23 pm »
Hi there! Sorry for the delay!!!! Your essay is in the spoiler below! :) I have to say - I don't know a lot about the requirements about "individual study" so I've tried to comment mainly on wording and expression :)

Spoiler
For most HSC modules, a conceptual statement starts off the essay. Not sure about SACE, but just throwing it out there in case :)Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray both explore an inner evil which is inherent to humans. A focus on human morality was a typical theme for the socially aware audiences of Nineteenth Century England, and throughout this time, the intended audience were noun/verb agreement: audience was or audiences were. completely aware of the importance of their image and social status. Both authors challenge their audiences to consider the significance of appearance in their judgments of an individual’s worth and raise questions about whether evil or moral corruption can assume a beguiling appearance. Both Stevenson and Wilde implement structural features and techniques which are pivotal to this exploration. Stevenson’s use of alternate perspectives, epistolary sections and symbolic representations allows the audience to understand and acknowledge that corruption can be hidden in society through the significant discrepancy between Jekyll’s social appearance and his true motives. Contrastingly, Wilde portrays the physical representation of the difference between one’s exterior appearance compared to their interior through his use of minor characters and symbolism. Is it common of SACE essays to have a sentence at the end of the introduction that rounds it up thematically?

Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their differing opinions on the state of the moral corruption through the implementation of minor characters and description of setting. Interesting approach with the minor characters! Wilde’s explicit contrast between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton allows the audience to understand the temptation which the inherent evil within us causes. Whereas, Stevenson compares the moral state of humans to the environment in which they live, hence “the provinces of good and ill which divide and compound man’s dual nature” . Dorian is profoundly influenced by Lord Wotton, as he believes that Henry has revealed him to “One of the great secrets of life” , a coma goes inside the quotation marks :) hence both Dorian and Wotton share similar moral perceptions and thoughts regarding scenarios where the personal opinions of individuals are required. Dorian understands that these moral values are “wrong [and] poisoness” ] yet simultaneously describes them as “fascinating [and] delightful” . As Dorian continues to become further influenced by Wotton’s philosophy, it appears and occurs to Henry that there is something “terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence” , however, Dorian is completely oblivious to the fact that Lord Wotton is not living the life that he projects. The feeling of enthrallment which Wilde exhibits through Lord Wotton results in Dorian continuing this abnormal lifestyle as Henry cannot disregard of his desire to be influential in the life of a fellow human. At this stage, we've had a series of quotes without a lot of analysis. In the assumption that SACE is similar to HSC, the most effective way to use quotes is to link them to a technique and effect. At this stage, you're painting the picture with them and describing the plot through quotes, rather than analysing the author's intentions behind the quotes. This authoritative personality towards Dorian contributes to his downfall, as Dorian is now obsessed with this presented philosophy and acquired egotistical demeanour. The contrasting characters of Dorian and Wotton highlight Wilde’s view that moral corruption and evil are the product of conscious decisions to fulfil one’s sybaritic desires. Good! Contrasting characters is a good analysis. Contrastingly, Stevenson’s understanding of moral corruption lies in his belief of an inherent evil which exists at the core of a man’s soul as a unquestionable aspect of duality. This is most clearly expressed in the revelation that Mr. Hyde is in fact Dr. Jekyll, only transformed into a personification of Jekyll's evil characteristics. Stevenson’s use of minor characters enables him to express the common opinion on moral corruption held at the time. The repeated opinion regarding Hyde from Jekyll’s butler, Mr Poole, Mr Enfield and Utterson, who all express an “…unknown disgust, loathing and fear”  towards this figure of Mr Hyde, of whom is seen as “…hardly human [and] something troglodytic…” . These observers look upon Jekyll with the “…visible misgiving of the flesh…” , and Jekyll attempts to explain the reason as to why they observe his corrupted nature. He states in this statement of his case that “…because all human beings, as we meet them, are commingled out of good and evil; and Edward Hyde, alone, in the ranks of mankind, was pure evil” . The opinion of an outsider, Dr Lanyon, who leaves a letter, addressed to Utterson before his death, reveals the moral destruction which he faced when Hyde, produced in him “…some deep-seated terror of the mind” . This epistolary section allows Stevenson to truly reveal the impact that Hyde had on Lanyon’s physical and mental wellbeing, as Lanyon wrote “…my soul sickened… my life is shaken to its roots… I feel that my days are numbered, and that I must die; and yet I must die incredulous” . Wilde’s implementation of minor characters allows him to convey the shared opinion regarding the common perception of their Nineteenth Century audiences, that the moral corruption inherent within humans significantly affects their physicality and social view. In Wilde’s text, this role is played by the minor character, Basil Hallward. Basil is central to the text, due to the fact that Basil represents the voice of society and Wilde’s audience at the time of publication, the views of which he expressed, echoed that of the audience. Exactly how is Basil a voice of the text? Are his words in high modality, does he use the collective/inclusive first person, etc? At the moment, you're sharing your experience of Basil as the voice, but now you need to back up why. Basil explains that “…Sin is a thing that writes itself across a man’s face. It cannot be concealed”  which is further emphasised  later with comment, “it shows itself in the lines of the mouth, the droop of his eyelids, the moulding of his hands even” . Upon hearing the suggested rumours of Dorian’s moral corruption, he was in disbelief, as he was uncertain as to why Dorian’s physical appearance did not reflect his corrupted soul. Throughout both The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Wilde and Stevenson both employed minor characters to convey their shared opinion regarding the physical and mental state of those who encounter the moral corruption and the commonly held societal view of the time. 
This is a huge paragraph! I'd be splitting it in half, at least. Your ideas flow together in a big paragraph, but that means you lose direction and intention. When you start a new paragraph, you're forced to reconsider the intentions of your argument and express that accordingly.
Both Wilde and Stevenson explore their personal beliefs that evil is inherent in humanity; however, they accentuate this moral dilapidation in different ways. Stevenson uses alternate perspective to convey Jekyll’s attempts to supress the evil aspect of his nature, expressed through Mr Edward Hyde, whereas Wilde elucidates Dorian’s egotistical narcissism which is apparent due to his exquisite beauty, through the utilisation of symbolism. Good one! The portrait of Dorian, which is illustrated by his friend, Basil  Hayward, encapsulated Dorian’s “unstained purity of his boyhood” , however, his apparent beauty would evidently become “… a visible symbol of the degradation of sin” . Dorian’s malevolent state of his soul is symbolised through the hideous transformation which the portrait was “…wrinkling”  and exhibited “[a] heavy sensual mouth…” . Wilde also uses the “large, purple satin coverlet heavily embroidered with gold”  to cover the portrait drawn by Basil, reflecting that the sins he commits will blemish its beauty just as worms blemish the body of a corpse. Again, another example of not linking to a technique and effect. The cover, which is referred to as a “pall” , acknowledges the fact that this satin coverlet is the boundary between the view of society and Dorian’s moral death and “It was to hide something that had a corruption of its own, worse than the corruption of death itself” . Similarly, Jekyll’s hapless attempt to supress Hyde, results in this evil embodiment becoming festered, developing into an embodiment that is uncontrollable and overpowering, which causes greater damage to his soul and it’s “balancing instincts” . Although Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is primarily narrated from the perspective of Jekyll’s close friend and lawyer, Mr. Gabriel John Utterson, Stevenson utilises the perspective of Jekyll throughout the final chapter, “Henry Jekyll’s Full Statement of the Case” , where the association between Jekyll and Hyde is pronounced and revealed by Jekyll. Through the use of this change of perspective, Stevenson is able to accentuate his worries towards Jekyll’s character flaws, as Jekyll comments on the murder of Sir Danvers Carew by Hyde, “My devil had been long caged, he came out roaring.”  Jekyll also explains that “when the attempt is made to cast [evil] off, it but returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure”  Through the use of alternate perspective and symbolism, Stevenson and Wilde are able to convey their similar thoughts regarding the potential for individual attributes and qualities to exaggerate one’s immortality.  The two persisting techniques here are alternate perspective and symbolism. It's an interesting approach to discuss these two consistently throughout the paragraph, but I think it works. The way to enhance it now is to go forward and find more techniques in the little quotes you've used throughout! More on this at the end

When both Wilde and Stevenson’s use of textual references are contrasted against one another, it is evident that both Wilde and Stevenson have alternating views on the nature of moral corruption and the impact on which it has on one’s appearance and the perception that they hold in the public eye. Wilde’s use of contrasting characters, between Dorian Gray and Lord Henry Wotton highlights the fact that he believes that evil is apparent due to one’s immoral values whereas Stevenson makes it clear that the evil inherent within each individual is waiting to be released through the same technique. Their mutual concern for the moral corruption which this evil causes and that all humans are cabaple of coming heinous acts is shown through Wilde’s use of the central minor character, Basil Hallward and Stevenson’s application of outsider perspective. Both Stevenson and Wilde convey the similar opinion that the fatal personal characteristics stem from the desire of approval throughout society, however, the both also refute the belief the Victorian belief that moral corruption would be publicly visible through the use of stylistic features.Love this ending bit!. Through Wilde and Stevenson’s exploration of the inescapable evil inside all, The Picture of Dorian Gray and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde both challenge the audience to question this apparent evil, the consequences and its impact on human life. This is a long conclusion! I usually suggest about 4 sentences suits well. In saying that, I think it is a great summary of the above! If you need to cut out words, cut out something from here. Probably just by blending sentences together, and cutting some phrases.

I have no doubt that you have a really good grasp on the texts! You've described the narratives in relation to each other really well. I want to comment more on the structure, which you'll have to take with a grain of salt because I don't know the demands of this module enough. Essentially, the first body paragraph needs to be smaller because you lose direction of the argument. At the top and end of a paragraph, you force yourself to align your perspective, which is great! So, don't be afraid of splitting it up :)

As for your analysis:
Each quote should be used in a way that it adds to your textual analysis. Again, this is under the assumption that your module requires textual analysis and not just plot contrasting. So, every single time you use a quote, find a technique inside. Look for the obvious but overlooked things like, first/second/third person narration, or past/present/future tense. These are in just about every single quote. Or, look at the connotations/denotations of an adjective. You can be really specific when looking for these things. Alternatively, look for symbolism, metaphors, etc. You've done a lot of this already in your most important quotes, but it is important to pair each little quote with a greater purpose, beyond just adding to the plot. Does this make sense? So, by all means, have a small quote here or there that doesn't really contribute to the analysis, but rather, makes the understanding more wholesome. But, for the most part, you want to pair every quote with some kind of technique, and then the effect. This is what I mean when I was talking about Basil above - how is Basil the voice of the people? What is it in Basil's quotes that show this?

What I do want to commend you on enormously is your integration of the texts! You've done a stellar job of flipping between the two consistently. That's often a difficult thing to do because you can be so carried away with one text, but you've done it awesomely!

Hope this makes sense! Please, only take on what is relevant to SACE! :)
Thankyou so much!

I really appreciate it!!!!!
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2020: Bachelor of Finance @ University of Adelaide

Recipient of the 2017 University of Adelaide Principals' Scholarship

vyca

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #607 on: September 28, 2016, 02:06:07 pm »
Hi! I've only ever written block essays but I was given advice to try out integrated paragraphs for my MOD A essay...so this is my first attempt and I was wondering if i could get feedback to see if i'm on the right track and whatnot. Thankyou

Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain”.  It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’, whilst the pun delineates the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or in defiance by his free will. The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and legitimising the Tudor reign. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with changed ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and freewill, and replaces it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation and control is immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order.  For Richard’s despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Both composers have effectively promogulated the notion of “pursuit of power” to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences.

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #608 on: September 28, 2016, 07:01:14 pm »
Thank you for the feedback! So basically all I have to do is switch the first and second body paragraphs? So the second body paragraph will be in the first position? And also shorten those sentences?

So my ideas and everything is all good and if I adapt this essay to the question will I be getting above 17/20? I know its hard to give me a yes or no answer but with your knowledge of the marking criteria etc. do you think this essay will get over 17/20?

Thank you again for your feedback!

I definitely think this is worth a band 6! If you flip the paragraphs, you might need to just adjust the wording a little to show the kind of irony that identity is so important during life, but it's not worth a whole lot afterwards. Kind of just pump up that idea a bit! And yep, shorten those few sentences :)

100% you are on the mark for a band 6! Your expression and clarity of language will grab any marker's attention, it's some of the best I've seen in a long time! Right from your very first sentence I knew we were in for something good :)
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elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #609 on: September 28, 2016, 09:16:39 pm »
Hi! I've only ever written block essays but I was given advice to try out integrated paragraphs for my MOD A essay...so this is my first attempt and I was wondering if i could get feedback to see if i'm on the right track and whatnot. Thankyou

Hey! Good idea for getting feedback on a paragraph to see if you're on the right track!

Here it is:
Spoiler
Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Love "human construct" - what a great alternative to human condition.Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain”.  Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks :) It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’, whilst the pun delineates the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or in defiance by his free will. This sentence is quite long, I'd chop it up if I could! consider doing that :) The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. WONDERFUL! The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and legitimising the Tudor reign. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with changed ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and freewill, and replaces it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation, (put a comma here - it's called the Oxford comma) and control is immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order.  For Richard’s despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Both composers have effectively promogulated the notion of “pursuit of power” to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences.

Happy to report that you've done a stellar job here! Only grammatical things to fix, your integrated structure is on point!! You should be really pleased!
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vyca

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #610 on: September 28, 2016, 10:07:10 pm »
Hey! Good idea for getting feedback on a paragraph to see if you're on the right track!

Here it is:
Spoiler
Pacino and Shakespeare acknowledge power and the desire for power as part of the timeless human construct. Love "human construct" - what a great alternative to human condition.Shakespeare makes Richard’s purpose clear in the melodramatic signpost “I am determined to prove a villain”.  Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks :) It is a transparent indicator of his intentions of villainy and usurpation in retaliation for his disfiguration and consequential inadequacies as a ‘lover’, whilst the pun delineates the renaissance confliction, of whether his discourse is conditioned by divine providence or in defiance by his free will. This sentence is quite long, I'd chop it up if I could! consider doing that :) The amoral nature of Richard’s pursuit of power has Shakespeare characterise him as a “bloody and usurping boar”. The animalistic imagery dehumanises Richard to a beast, the boar, a metaphor for his insatiable appetite for power, corruption and primitiveness. WONDERFUL! The Shakespearean audience are set up to view Richard as the Machiavellian, effectively maligning him and legitimising the Tudor reign. Pacino seeks to engage a different audience with changed ideas on power, and notions this shift with an establishing sequence juxtaposing an English cathedral with the American streets. Pacino ousts the opening grandiose soliloquy and competition between providentialism and freewill, and replaces it with a performance of Richard manoeuvring and looming over the Sick king Edward. In this way, Richard’s power, manipulation, (put a comma here - it's called the Oxford comma) and control is immediately established to a modern audience liberated from divine order.  For Richard’s despotism to be received with clarity by a contemporary audience, Pacino draws comparisons to “Dons” “Upper-Class thugs” and “Gangsters”. This correlation to the modern world establishes the desire for power as a universal flaw of humanity. Both composers have effectively promogulated the notion of “pursuit of power” to their distinctive audience giving special consideration to their contextual influences.

Happy to report that you've done a stellar job here! Only grammatical things to fix, your integrated structure is on point!! You should be really pleased!

Thankyou so much Elyse, glad to hear that i'm doing it right! One more thing, should I be putting more textual analysis in or would the amount I currently have suffice?

elysepopplewell

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #611 on: September 29, 2016, 10:08:49 am »
Thankyou so much Elyse, glad to hear that i'm doing it right! One more thing, should I be putting more textual analysis in or would the amount I currently have suffice?

I truly think this is great! One of your strengths here is embedding quotes and analysis so that it flows really seamlessly! So, you don't tick the box of "obvious analysis" but rather, at the end of the paragraph I realise that I've actually read a perfect analysis and hardly even noticed, because everything flows in great form! So your delivery of ideas is magnificent :)
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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #612 on: September 29, 2016, 04:52:06 pm »
Hi! I'd appreciate it heaps if someone could read over my Mod B essay. Firstly, I realise that my essay is about twice the length it should be (sorry!), but I wouldn't write all four paragraphs in an exam - I'd choose the ones most suited to the question (even still, the paragraphs are way too long, but I have so much to say for each point and don't know what to cut out!) Also, I'm generally ok at English and getting my points across clearly, but with this essay I had some real trouble so I'm not sure if it's the clearest essay ever (but also I wrote a generic essay, not according to a specific question, so that might help)... Anyway, I'd really appreciate any feedback you could give!

Spoiler
Disillusioned by conflicting Renaissance and Medieval worlds, Hamlet seeks control through developing a distinct personal identity. Unable to resolve the disparity between these value systems, Hamlet experiences internal conflict as he searches for answers to universal questions of fate, morality, corruption, revenge and duty. By subverting traditional tragic forms such as the revenge tragedy, Shakespeare demonstrates how the universal and seemingly irreconcilable values of duty and morality lead to Hamlet’s immense metaphysical anguish, inhibiting the deterministic action Hamlet strives for. While this internal conflict reflects the religious and moral upheaval of Elizabethan society at the turn of the 17th century, play’s textual integrity is evident as the universal values addressed continue to resound within contemporary audiences.

Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity are clouded by conflicting Renaissance notions of morality and humanism, versus Medieval notions of duty and revenge, in avenging his father’s death. From the outset of the play, there is dramatic tension between ‘action’ and ‘inaction’, shown primarily between the ideological clash between the Protestant values of Wittenberg and the Catholic values of Denmark in determining whether his father’s ghost “brings airs from heaven or blasts from hell” (Catholic belief in purgatory, versus Protestant disbelief). Through the use of antithesis, Hamlet’s conflicting values of filial duty and God’s divine justice are thrown into light, as Hamlet’s moral framework intercedes his dutiful taking of revenge, which would forsake Christian morality. In this scene, broken metre rather than iambic pentameter is used in, for example, “O horrible, o horrible, most horrible” to convey Hamlet’s distress and turmoil. Hamlet’s words are conflicted by nonsensical binary opposites, such as taking revenge “with wings as swift as meditation”, revealing his internal conflict between taking impassioned revenge and rational action. This is further seen in Hamlet’s second soliloquy, in which Hamlet procrastinates taking or even thinking about action through tautological repetition of “Remember me!”, and by mourning his own circumstances in which he must “couple hell” and “grow not instant old”, before he resolves to take revenge upon Claudius. Just two scenes later, however, Hamlet repudiates this resolve, instead deciding to act in the manner of a rational Renaissance man, stating, “I’ll have grounds more relative than this”, and thus remaining “unpregnant” of his cause. In this way, Hamlet’s introspective nature defies traditional revenge tragedy expectations, as is highlighted through the use of dramatic foil. Laertes, whose rash nature and definitive Medieval values align with those of a traditional revenge hero. This is further reinforced in Hamlet’s soliloquy after the Mousetrap, in which the setting of midnight and the imagery of “drinking hot blood” suggests that unnatural acts will take place, leading the audience to expect Hamlet to finally take revenge. However, unlike Laertes who vows to “cut [Hamlet’s] throat i’th’church”, Hamlet does not kill Claudius, who he believes is praying and so will “send to heaven”, and instead talks with his mother. Thus, Hamlet’s conflicting values of duty and morality create an internal conflict, as his Renaissance moral code prevents him from taking blind Medieval revenge. It is not until he resolves these conflicts at the end of the play that he can find peace and gain control over his life.

Disillusioned by his corrupted world, and idolising Horatio as an autonomous and rational “man  that is not passion’s slave”, Hamlet is driven to regain reason and control of his circumstances through forging a distinct identity from the Court through defying social conventions. He attempts empowerment from the beginning of the play, through distinguishing himself by defying social conventions. He insists on wearing his “inky cloak” of mourning which stands out from the crowd, and makes use of wit and wordplay to inject his words with hidden meanings, with one of his opening lines, “aye madam, it is common”, being a pun and implying what he believes are Gertrude’s loose sexual morals. Hamlet’s short, staccato syllables and witty remarks strike discord with the steady rhythm and melodious tone of Claudius’ blank verse, and his puns parody Claudius’ verbose and superficial language, riddled with incompatible binaries such as “mirth in funeral and dirge in marriage” which allude to Claudius’ hypocrisy. In this way, Hamlet attempts to empower himself over his corrupt surroundings, with his distinctive characterisation effectively thwarting Claudius’ attempts at control. Through the accumulation of images, “'Tis not alone my inky cloak, … / Nor windy suspiration of forced breath, / Nor the fruitful river in the eye … That can denote me truly. / For they are actions that a man might play”, Hamlet reveals his complex understanding of the power of acting, and appearance versus reality. Thus, true to the conventions of a revenge tragedy, Hamlet puts on an “antic disposition” persuade those in the Court that he is a ‘harmless madman’, differentiated by his odd clothes and cryptic speech, in attempts to gain autonomy and control as he can defy social conventions and speak his true thoughts. However, despite this new resolve, Hamlet fails to gain the control, reason and legitimate sense of identity he strives for. This comes to a climax in his Act 2 soliloquy, in which his exclamation “oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I” reveals his intense internal struggle. Hamlet juxtaposes his own inability to take control and enact revenge with the ease of expression of the actor in conveying his character’s father’s death. His changes in tone, from peaks of rage, “O bloody, bawdy villain”, to profound depression, “I, a dull and muddy-mettled rascal”, to introspection, “who does me this”, show that despite his best efforts, Hamlet has not found identity and control in taking autonomy from fate.

Hamlet’s sense of purpose and identity is clouded as he attempts to uphold a high moral code in a corrupted world. This preoccupation with morality spans the duration of the play, with Hamlet himself betraying his own Renaissance value system in moments of passionate action. Due to his context in Medieval Denmark of puritan Catholicism, Hamlet idolises the perceived moral purity of the female characters in the play, Ophelia and Gertrude; with Ophelia being characterised by Hamlet as “the celestial, the most beautified” manifestation of purity, and Gertrude, before Hamlet senior’s death, being “like Niobe – all tears”. Thus, after Gertrude’s speedy marriage and “incestuous desire” with Claudius, Hamlet begins to distrust everyone, especially women. He sees Ophelia’s ‘betrayal’ of Hamlet to Polonius in returning his “remembrances” as the ultimate corruption of purity, as shown through the balanced sentence, “the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty to bawd, than  the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness”. Thus, he loses the moral control and rationality he strives for, verbally abusing Ophelia through the highly sexualised biblical allusions of all women being corrupted like Eve, the “breeder of sinners”. Similarly Hamlet loses control when trying to reason with Gertrude, killing Polonius in her bedchamber and showing little remorse. This reflects Renaissance humanist ideas of the dangers of free will as a corrupting force upon humanity. Hamlet’s irrational action stems mainly from Hamlet’s disillusionment of the Machiavellian corruption of his world, as shown through the motive of corruption and decay in the imagery of Denmark as a “rotten” and “unweeded garden”. This is emphasised in the likening of the State to the dead  body of King Hamlet, using synecdoche of Denmark’s “ear” “rankly abused”. Hamlet lurches between rationality, inaction, and passionate action, reaching a point of stasis as his moral code simultaneously prevents Hamlet from taking meaningful action, and spurring rash and violent action. It is only when Hamlet constructs a defined personal identity and justifies his revenge through Divine Providence, as a tragic hero, “born to set it right” that he can actively take revenge and purge Denmark of corruption.

Hamlet’s fears of inaction are compounded through his thoughts on mortality, in which he defies socially accepted thought by questioning the moral legitimacy of suicide. From the outset of the play, Hamlet’s discontent is evident, with his first soliloquy using the hyperbole of “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” to express his own keen desire to die. The use of elongated vowel sounds conveys his desperation and hatred of the world and his desire for suicide, which he likens to a sleep with connotations of rest and renewal. Plosives in “Fie on’t, ah fie” further reinforce Hamlet’s desperate discontent with the corruption of Denmark, shown through the metaphor “’tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed”. This brooding sense of mortality endures throughout all five acts, coming to a climax in Hamlet’s famous “to be or not to be” soliloquy. The entire soliloquy is riddled with caesuras, reflecting Hamlet’s conflict between action and inaction; Hamlet feels as if the only way he can take control of his circumstances is “to take arms against a sea of troubles” and end his life. Linguistic contrast in “tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” contrasts passive language, “suffer”, with more active language of “take arms”; further reinforcing Hamlet’s conflict between passionate action and reasoned inaction which leads to Hamlet’s stasis. Repetition is used in “To die to sleep, to sleep perchance to dream”, to liken death to sleep, with connotations of rest and renewal. He eventually realises, however, with the unlikely series of coincidences in the pirate ship, that “there is a divinity that shapes our ends”, and draws upon the failed experience of Claudius and Polonius, of “purposes mistook, fallen on th’inventors heads”, using ironic reversal to convey that those who attempt to control their own fate will ultimately fail. This reflects that Hamlet is an Aristotelian Tragic Hero, unable to control his fate due to the Elizabethan concept of the Great Chain of Being, in which all objects on earth constitute an unbreakable hierarchy towards God. It can be seen through the ceasing of Hamlet’s long and anguished soliloquies, coupled with his renewed eloquence, rationality, monosyllabic language, and his use of the metonym “this is I / Hamlet the Dane”, that Hamlet has re-established his identity and found clarity and a sense of purpose and control. Hamlet’s last words, “the rest is silence”, reflect that the emotional ‘noise’ and turmoil that Hamlet has experienced has disappeared as Hamlet has found true peace.

+ conclusion (I generally don't write a conclusion to my generic essays, but rather make them up on the spot according to the specific question)

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #613 on: September 29, 2016, 07:42:22 pm »
Hey! Could you please give me some feedback on my Mod A essay,
Thanks, Sam
« Last Edit: September 30, 2016, 10:30:18 pm by Sssssrr »

jakesilove

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Re: English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)
« Reply #614 on: September 29, 2016, 10:28:51 pm »
Hey here's my module C essay; Mod C was my worst in the trials so I went back and re-did it. The related text we were given in class couldn't be used for the trial but I liked it way better (and did better in the task for it than in trial) so I'm sticking with it :).
I haven't looked at it for a while, so any feedback is appreciated :)
Thanks  ;D ;D

Hey Bronte! Check my comments below :)

Original Essay
Spoiler
The political atmosphere dominating society, created through repression and dictated by the motivations of individuals, is represented through the manipulation of established
theocracy. Miller’s representational choices in the crucible (1953), through his use of language and parallels with his historical context are effective as they encourage the audience to consider the nature of their own political environment. Miller examines the conformity of thought and action in a repressed society by representing the theocratic dogma of the 1692 Salem trials in conjunction with 1950s McCarthyism hysteria; both of which are manipulated by an individual's ulterior motives. George W Bush’s 2002 “State of The Union” address also represents the established political agenda through manipulating the threats of terrorism to infiltrate the population’s unrest and shift political standings. Manipulation of events and motives to represent society allows composers to illustrate their political views. 

The current political stance of society is represented in texts to reflect the composer’s perspective on the affair. Miller’s own disapproval of the political unrest of the 1950s is represented through Proctors sarcastic tone; “I like not the smell of this authority”. Miller further disputes the repressive political atmosphere in the post-cold war period through the analogy; “Theology, sir, is a fortress”, as the ambiguous imagery of the fortress as both
protective and imprisoning negatively represents the repression and forced singularity of thought evoked by McCarthyism. Miller negatively represents the corrupt political leaders who manipulate the theocratic agenda; “A person is either with this court or against it, there is no road between” where Danforth’s argument by absolutes asserts Miller’s disapproval of the repression in the 1950s which demanded a singularity of thought. Proctors exclamation against the court's “God is dead!” is representative of Miller’s disapproval of the morality which has been extinguished during the HUAC trials; where repression forced a singularity of thought. Millers ultimate negative representation of his rejection of the unjust court system is through Elizabeth’s stringent tone “I cannot judge you, John”; where Miller’s main concept is represented to the audience – that an individual or institution cannot judge another person purely based on their political exertion. Similarly, George W Bush negatively represents the threat of terrorism by manipulating the direct communication with the audience. Through oversimplifying political realities, Bush negatively represents the political unrest; “the war against terrorism” asserts his political agenda whilst negatively representing the reality of terrorism as unjust. Bush's brutal theomorphic description of the enemy as "terrorist parasites" negatively represents the political turmoil which is a result of disruptive terror.  Bush represents the brutal realities of terrorism by exemplifying emotive re-tells “a firefighter returns to ground zero...” to manipulate and shift the audience’s political stance. The negative propositions of the political distress of each composer’s context is represented through the manipulation of events to heighten each perspective based on context.

An individual’s motivation for personal gain is carried out through manipulation of the established political agenda. Miller’s disapproval of manipulating the political agenda for personal gain is represented by Miller through the tyrannic reign of Abigail; “Crazy children jangling the keys” is symbolic of the total immorality of Abigail’s motivation to condemn others, as “common vengeance writes the law”. Miller represents the unjust court system through a parallel of Hale with Pontius Pilate – the allusion to the unjust biblical figure is Miller’s disapproval of the immoral manipulation for personal gain by political leaders. The unjust preservation of the theocratic status quo is represented in the stage direction “...exact loyalty to his position and cause”; Miller is representing the total subservience of the population to authority, which has hence resulted in suppression of individuality. Miller, through dramatic manipulation of setting, lighting and events in Act 4, represents his disapproval of the workings of the courts as totally invalid, “high barred windows, heavy doors. Darkness” where individuals are only motivated by personal gain, and the satirical description of the court marshal’s as “drunk and heavy footed” symbolically undermines the political legitimacy of the court leaders who are motivated by personal gain and represents the moral context of the 1950s as repressive. Miller represents his own refusal to be condemned by the repression of his moral context through Proctor’s cathartic moment – “I have given my soul, leave me my name!” which represents the necessity of a strong sense of self and personal integrity in the court systems. Likewise, Bush’s motivation for political status is achieved through manipulation of events “...Michael, a CIA officer who died…” and is a positive representation of his own political authority though assuring tone “...I assure you and all who have lost...”. Bush’s use of low modality language; “It costs a lot to fight this war” manipulates the audience as it provides a more accessible and positive representation of his abilities to combat the fear evoked by terrorism, and thus, fuels his motivation to gain political authority. Bush positively represents his own political agenda through inclusive language “we” – inclusion manipulates the audience into shifting political stance whilst catering to fulfilling Bush’s own motivation. Bush fuels his political motivation through listing “first, we shut down camps, second, we prevent...” which represents his political agenda to the audience as accessible, and thus, trustworthy. Miller and Bush both represent the impact of personal motivation in political manoeuvres – where miller condemns the unjust manipulation, Bush exerts his motives on the public through manipulating complex decisions as ones which are inclusive and understandable.

Essay with Comments
Spoiler
The political atmosphere dominating society, created through repression and dictated by the motivations of individuals, is represented through the manipulation of established theocracy. Miller’s representational choices in the Capitalise crucible (1953), through his use of language and parallels with his historical context are effective as they encourage the audience to consider the nature of their own political environment. Miller examines the conformity of thought and action in a repressed society by representing the theocratic dogma of the 1692 Salem trials in conjunction with 1950s McCarthyism hysteria; both of which are manipulated by an individual's ulterior motives. George W Bush’s 2002 “State of The Union” address also similarly represents the established political agenda through manipulating the threats of terrorism to infiltrate the population’s unrest not sure what you mean by this; are you suggesting that he is 'using' fear for his own ends? Potentially tidy up your description of the Speech; your Crucible introduction is powerful, but your intro as a whole would be stronger if you spend a bit more time focussing on the significance of the speech to your thesis! and shift political standings. Manipulation of events and motives to represent society allows composers to illustrate their political views. 

Good intro, although I think you could be a little clearer on your thesis. Is it people in power (ie. McCarthy, Bush) who are using words to manipulate society through fear, or authors? Potentially both? Try to come up with a go-to thesis sentence to include in your introduction, either at the start or the end. Really like your style of writing though.

The current political stance of society
This can definitely be tidied up; the political zeitgeist? is represented in texts to reflect the composer’s perspective on the affair. Miller’s own disapproval of the political unrest of the 1950s is represented through Proctor's sarcastic tone; “I like not the smell of this authority”. Miller further disputes the repressive political atmosphere in the post-cold war period through the analogy; “Theology, sir, is a fortress”, as the ambiguous imagery of the fortress as both protective and imprisoning negatively represents the repression and forced singularity of thought evoked by McCarthyism. The analysis of the second technique (analogy) is fantastic, but I think you could go into more depth about the 'sarcasm' preceding it, or otherwise find another quote with a more solid technique to deconstruct. Great stuff. Miller negatively represents the corrupt political leaders who manipulate the theocratic agenda; “A person is either with this court or against it, there is no road between” where Danforth’s argument by absolutes asserts Miller’s disapproval of the repression in the 1950s which demanded a singularity of thought. Read this sentence out loud to yourself; I think it's a bit long and rambly, so perhaps turn it into two. I notice you use a lot of ; "Insert quote here". Maybe try to weave quotes into your sentences a bit more, as this is something markers specifically look for. Proctors exclamation against the court's “God is dead!” is representative of Miller’s disapproval of the morality which has been extinguished during the HUAC trials What is this? (Like I know what it is, but briefly explain for the less history-oriented marker); where repression forced a singularity of thought. Millers You've done this a few times, so I'll just mention that Miller's NEEDS AND APOSTROPHE! ultimate negative representation of his rejection of the unjust court system is through Elizabeth’s stringent tone “I cannot judge you, John”; where Miller’s main concept is represented to the audience – that an individual or institution cannot judge another person purely based on their political exertion. Similarly, George W Bush negatively represents the threat of terrorism by manipulating the direct communication with the audience. Through oversimplifying political realities, Bush negatively represents the political unrest; “the war against terrorism” asserts his political agenda whilst negatively representing the reality of terrorism as unjust. Bush's brutal theomorphic description of the enemy as "terrorist parasites" negatively represents you've used this phrase a number of times; think about creating some variation? the political turmoil which is a result of disruptive terror.  Bush represents the brutal realities of terrorism by exemplifying emotive re-tells “a firefighter returns to ground zero...” to manipulate and shift the audience’s political stance. The negative propositions of the political distress of each composer’s context is represented through the manipulation of events to heighten each perspective based on context.

My main comment here would be... So? You've raised lots of really good, interesting points, and you've linked your set text and related text together really well. I can see your thesis forming; one about manipulation of the masses, control through fear, and unjust judgement, but I think it needs to be clear what conclusion you draw from this. Is Bush in the wrong? Should authors NOT manipulate their audience? Is Miller himself part of the problem, by manipulatively representing his opinions? Or is he satirising McCarther? I'm trying to push your thesis just that little bit further; potentially spend some time thinking about what your main argument is.

An individual’s motivation for personal gain is carried out through manipulation of the established political agenda. Miller’s disapproval of manipulating the political agenda for personal gain is represented by Miller through the tyrannic reign of Abigail; “Crazy children jangling the keys” is symbolic of the total immorality of Abigail’s motivation to condemn others, as “common vengeance writes the law” Go into this further; how did you decide this was a symbol?. Miller represents the unjust court system I assume you're just talking about HUAC; maybe don't attack the ENTIRE court system (I'm a law student, so I'm a little touchy about this). through a parallel of Hale with Pontius Pilate – the allusion to the unjust biblical figure is Miller’s disapproval of the immoral manipulation for personal gain by political leaders. The unjust preservation of the theocratic status quo is represented in the stage direction “...exact loyalty to his position and cause”; Miller is representing the total subservience of the population to authority, which has hence resulted in suppression of individuality. I'll admit to being a little lost about WHO is being oppressed here; is it the girls by Abigail? The town by religion? All the of the above? Miller, through dramatic manipulation of setting, lighting and events in Act 4 (Make sure to use IV, teachers love that shit), represents his disapproval of the workings of the courts as totally invalid, “high barred windows, heavy doors. Darkness” where individuals are only motivated by personal gain, and the satirical description of the court marshal’s as “drunk and heavy footed” symbolically undermines the political legitimacy of the court leaders who are motivated by personal gain and represents the moral context of the 1950s as repressive. Miller represents his own refusal to be condemned by the repression of his moral context through Proctor’s cathartic moment – “I have given my soul, leave me my name!” which represents the necessity of a strong sense of self and personal integrity in the court systems. Try mixing up your analysis structure every now and again; ie. analysis first, quote later, with the quote weaved into the sentence. Likewise, Bush’s motivation for political status is achieved through manipulation of events “...Michael, a CIA officer who died…” and is a positive representation of his own political authority though assuring tone “...I assure you and all who have lost...”. Bush’s use of low modality language; “It costs a lot to fight this war” manipulates the audience as it provides a more accessible and positive representation of his abilities to combat the fear evoked by terrorism, and thus, fuels his motivation to gain political authority. Bush positively represents his own political agenda through inclusive language “we” – inclusion manipulates the audience into shifting political stance whilst catering to fulfilling Bush’s own motivation. Bush fuels his political motivation through listing “first, we shut down camps, second, we prevent...” which represents his political agenda to the audience as accessible, and thus, trustworthy. Miller and Bush both represent the impact of personal motivation in political manoeuvres – where miller condemns the unjust manipulation, Bush exerts his motives on the public through manipulating complex decisions as ones which are inclusive and understandable.

I think your analysis is great, the quotes you've chosen are perfect, and your tone is exactly what it needs to be. My main comments would be about bringing your thesis to the absolute forefront of your argument, and a bit about structure. I think you need to clarify for yourself what your thesis is; try writing it down in one or two sentences. Then, go back and highlight everywhere you directly relate argument to that thesis. Where there are areas without much highlighting, draw argument back to the question. In terms of structure, I'm not seeing a clear conclusion here (Maybe you just haven't finished?). Bring your argument to a close, maybe include a call to arms (OVERTHROW TYRANNICAL DICTATORS OF WORDS!!!!) and you're golden. Really good work overall, and I'm a fan of using Bush's speeches!
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