Hey, i'm not a lecturer but I do study the Conflict in Europe. I think the intro you have there is great, but you might want to bring in some other dot points to substantiate your essay - I personally cannot see myself writing an entire essay that is purely on the League of Nations dot point. For this reason, might I recommend that you bring in the other dot points under 'Causes of the conflict'. These being the German and Italian dictators, appeasement and the non-aggression pact.
You need to ensure that you are always mentioning the League of Nations, so maybe you could show how the factors are interlinked; The dictators saw the failures of the League in Abyssinia and the SCW, found that the League if powerless, so they continued to take territory. The failures of the League required the policy of appeasement to be adopted. And it was this policy - together with the League - that forced Stalin to sign the Non-Aggression Pact, which allowed Hitler to invade Poland and ultimately spark World War 2.
On that note, I'd like to say again that I am merely recommending a potential restructure of an already great essay start. However, the question does say 'to 1939', so you need to mention the other events which caused the outbreak of war, and the League's role in this event. For this reason I don't think you should limit yourself purely on the League and it's failings/successes, but integrate the other causes and show how they are intrinsically linked.
Hope this helps
EDIT: Sorry forgot one thing. If by any chance you decide to stick to your existing structure, you might want to change your topic sentence up a bit. Rather than stating that the League was 'severely' ineffective, might I suggest 'partially/moderately' effective? I say this because you seem to be preparing yourself to mention the successes of the League, so perhaps it is not severely bad, but somewhat bad.
Absolutely awesome advice Rodero! Please don't worry about "not being a lecturer" when providing feedback - this was fantastic, and way more helpful than I could have been given that I didn't study the unit! Jake and I may answer questions most of the time, but that does not mean that we don't want/don't encourage other students to pipe up and answer questions too! Last year, before I was a lecturer, found out my rank, got my mark - I often answered questions on here as well
It's a really really really effective study method, that I recommend everyone try out!
What you are recommending is a differentiated essay, which is super sophisticated (and exactly what I would have recommended
). A few notes on differentiated essays, as rodero states, linking the other factors to the League of Nations is a really great way to structure your response (you can actually write a band 6 essay without linking if you are really struggling, but linking will always push those essays into the higher marks!).
A few other pointers on your intro though:
- I agree with rodero that "severely" is perhaps a little bit too over the top. I personally (as someone who admittedly hasn't studied the topic) wouldn't mind if you said "highly", however I'd want you to preface that by saying "
overall highly ineffective" - that shows that you are a) still making a strong judgement (ie. not sitting on the fence), b) providing nuance, and not ignoring other factors. If you mention these successes, but demonstrate why they were inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, I believe that that would justify the "highly", and make your essay appear super analytical and sophisticated
However "partially" or "moderately" would definitely work well too, just giving you other options
- After your judgement, I want a brief, one sentence
explanation of your judgement, not just a description of what the League of Nations was. This goes back to what rodero was saying about links - where there any overaching themes or issues that overall contributed to its significance?
But overall, definitely agree with rodero - their advice was absolutely fab
(hope to see them around more often
)