Nine Days Introduction

[Matthew_Whelan]

Hi I was wondering whether somebody could mark this practise introduction,
Its a text response on the novel "Nine Days" by Toni Jordan. Currently year 12 so don't holdback on any constructive criticism.

Prompt: "Nine Days" reveals that the place of and opportunities for women in Australian society evolved significantly over the generations represented in its narrative. To what extent would you agree?

During the time between the 1930s and 1940s, the Great Depression portended World War II; it was the epoch of anticipation, fear and destitution. In her novel “Nine Days”, Toni Jordan takes an impressionistic glimpse at the lives of a multitude of characters spanning from the 1930s to over seven decades later. In these vignettes she portrays the stark contrast between the lives of women during the 1930s, compared to the 1990s. Through the eyes of her characters, readers are given insight into the roles, opportunities and expectations of women over the generations, and its effect on society.

(This is my first post so I was unsure where else to ask). 

[literally lauren]

Hi I was wondering whether somebody could mark this practise introduction,
Its a text response on the novel "Nine Days" by Toni Jordan. Currently year 12 so don't holdback on any constructive criticism.

Prompt: "Nine Days" reveals that the place of and opportunities for women in Australian society evolved significantly over the generations represented in its narrative. To what extent would you agree?

During the time between the 1930s and 1940s, the Great Depression portended World War II; it was the epoch of anticipation, fear and destitution. This opening 'global' sentence is good, but if you get a prompt that's not quite so 'big picture' (i.e. opportunities for Australian women across generations) then don't be afraid to just jump into the text in the first sentence. Your intro can be fairly short and sweet if needed, and anything more than one sentence at the start about the socio-historical context usually just detracts from your contention. In her novel “Nine Days”, Toni Jordan takes an impressionistic glimpse at the lives of a multitude of characters spanning from the 1930s to over seven decades later. In these vignettes she portrays the stark contrast between the lives of women during the 1930s, compared to the 1990s. Good overview of the text's focus Through the eyes of her characters, readers are given insight into the roles, opportunities and expectations of women over the generations, and its their effect on society. Last sentence is excellent! This is a neat, concise stance that's totally relevant to the prompt

(This is my first post so I was unsure where else to ask). 
(No worries at all! I've moved this to the relevant place!)

Hey, this is an awesome start! You've clearly got a great control of vocabulary and expression, and this intro is a good set-up for your body paragraphs. Most importantly though, it's relevant! This is the most important thing the assessors look for when reading the first few sentences of any Text Response essay. But you've clearly started from the prompt and provided us with a clear and effective contention, so good job!

There's not much else to critique without knowing what you'd cover in the rest of the essay, but as a general tip, it's a good idea to use the author's name fairly frequently in a 'The author verbs...' kind of sentence. Your second sentence kind of does this, but that's more of a summative remark about what the text focuses on. At the moment, I think this intro is fine as it is, and I'd instead just recommend adding these authorial intent sentences to your conclusion, as these are great ways to make sure you end on a high note!

Hope that helps - all the best with your essay!

[Matthew_Whelan]

I will elaborate as I write more, but for now would you be able to take a look at this body paragraph regarding the same prompt? It would be a great help!

BP1:
Jordan addresses the views of society on single mothers and unplanned pregnancy during the 1930s through the characters Jean Westaway and her daughter Connie, as compared to their descendant Charlotte six decades later. The access to birth control and safe abortion procedures were absent during the time of Connie’s pregnancy with Jack, causing family disarray and bringing shame on her mother Jean. This perception of required abstinence before marriage between partners brought a stigma onto Connie and her mother through association, “dragging [the Westaways] down to the bottom of [the hill]”. Jordan deftly focuses on the critical idea that due to these social values of the time, they inflicted grief upon the Westaways. This repressive attitude is engendered through her mother, Jean Westaway, who pressured Connie into having an unsafe abortion which subsequently eventuated in her untimely death. However, Jean’s aversion to Connie raising a child without a husband is likely the corollary of her raising three children without her husband alive, knowing it would result in Connie’s “life [being] ruined”. Jordan conveys the antithesis between the reproachful societal standards that Connie faced regarding her pregnancy, in contrast to the emancipated women of the 1990s. Charlotte Westaway, like her auntie, had an unplanned pregnancy. However, unlike Connie’s ordeal, Charlotte had the opportunity to raise the child without a father, which would have been looked down upon in earlier generations. Jean coerced Connie into undergoing an abortion, while Charlotte, conversely, did not “have to have it”. Charlotte is “responsible for [her] own body and [her] own fertility” which is a substantial change in personal health and liberty for women. Despite the atrocious restriction of freedom regarding pregnancy and birth control, there is evidence of drastic changes in societal views of women, resulting in the enlightened individuality of women in contemporary society.

(Thanks for the great feedback)

[happydays2]

This is quite good - showing a good understanding of the character - but the central theme of Jean was her notion of 'respectability' which you might have gone into more?  Also, that Charlotte, indeed all the characters were all in the grip of what was 'respectable' or correct seeming behaviour and attidudes. Just as Alec wanted to avoid being labelled a 'loser', so did Jean. However, Alec had enough cultural capital to say no to Tim and the boys, whereas Jean could not do so, despite the fact she had known other unwed mothers who had had their babies and given them up for adoption. The image of Jean removing Connie's hands from her is heartbreaking, although that she could not get out of bed shows how she was affected.

[yourfriendlyneighbourhoodghost]

Your introduction and BP1 seem really good, I terms of written expression. May I ask how you write so concisely and fluently, that seems to be the downfall for my essays.
Thanks

[Matthew_Whelan]

This is quite good - showing a good understanding of the character - but the central theme of Jean was her notion of 'respectability' which you might have gone into more?  Also, that Charlotte, indeed all the characters were all in the grip of what was 'respectable' or correct seeming behaviour and attidudes. Just as Alec wanted to avoid being labelled a 'loser', so did Jean. However, Alec had enough cultural capital to say no to Tim and the boys, whereas Jean could not do so, despite the fact she had known other unwed mothers who had had their babies and given them up for adoption. The image of Jean removing Connie's hands from her is heartbreaking, although that she could not get out of bed shows how she was affected.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to improve my ideas as I begin hitting the TR revision. 

Your introduction and BP1 seem really good, I terms of written expression. May I ask how you write so concisely and fluently, that seems to be the downfall for my essays.
Thanks

Thank you, I try to emulate others writing styles, examining 'good' writing to see what makes it fluent. Try to cut out excess info or words if they don't contribute to your ideas, I'm trying to force myself to be more judicious and critical with my language use. Good luck. 

[happydays2]

About your bp1 -
It is too much focussed on the views and values, and you would be better off looking at the connections between the characters. Also more relevant quotes would direct it more to the human side of the text. Really well written though