Essay
Discoveries can be intensely meaningful in ways that may be emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual.
How accurately does this statement reflect the experiences of individuals in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Discoveries that are stimulated by the reassessment of oneself, where perspectives are questioned or challenged due to the changing circumstances experienced by an individual, can be the most meaningful. Nice Thesis! Gives good detail but leaves room for elaboration - Very clear. This self-governed process of rediscovery may facilitate initial intellectual or physical discoveries to be made, where this can catalyse emotional or spiritual significance. I'd swap "where" with "and." Memory is a dynamic process of rediscovery, where it can catalyse a deeper understanding of ourselves as previous actions are re-evaluated through a new perspective. This doesn't quite fit in with your previous statements - Be careful to keep your Thesis simple and direct, don't branch out too much. This transformation can result in a rejection or acceptance of our past selves as these beliefs are challenged. The process of rediscovery can facilitate confronting and provocative self-discoveries of the consequences of one’s actions in determining one’s dire circumstances. As much as I appreciate your conceptual statements here, you need to cut back on them. Your giving us too many different aspects of Discovery and not 'honing in' on just one or two. You shouldn't be spending more than two, possibly three sentences, setting up your concept before introducing the text. Both William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, and Evan Hunter’s short story On the Sidewalk Bleeding, explore the intense meaning that can be derived from discoveries that are facilitated by the self-stimulated process of rediscovery. I like the concepts here, but too many. Trim it back and you'll have a solid Thesis!
Memory is a dynamic process of rediscovery, where it can catalyse a deeper understanding of ourselves as previous actions are re-evaluated through a new perspective. This transformation can result in a rejection or acceptance of our past selves as these beliefs are challenged. Your topic sentences shouldn't be a copy of things in your Thesis (again another reason to trim the Thesis down. Shakespeare’s The Tempest explores this ability of memory to facilitate emotional, intellectual, physical or spiritual meaning when, in the final scenes of the play in Act Five Scene One Prospero exclaims, “But this rough magic I here abjure…I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth, and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book”. Great to see you launching into analysis - Try and keep your quotes fairly short though! Just pull the part you need out. The pre-modifier of “rough” reduces the valued and powerful connotations of “magic”, establishing the reason for Prospero to renounce his power is because of this intellectual revelation of its “rough” consequences on those around him. What does it show the AUDIENCE about the meaning of certain Discoveries? Be sure that you don't just talk about characters. The fact that he will “break my staff”, a magical symbol, and “drown my book”, a symbol of knowledge in which he initially worshipped, and states he owns through “my”, establishes his profound emotional and spiritual transformation as he rejects these previously thought existential necessities. Try to link to the composer, not the character. "The composer's use of symbolism in Prospero's declaration that he will "break his staff," shows the audience...." The phrase “deeper than did ever plummet sound” is a hyperbole, where Prospero exaggerates the drowning of his book in final understanding that, that object was the reason for his initial downfall and usurpation as Duke. Be sure that you have a proper conclusion summarising the paragraph.
Similarly, Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding has an individual, Andy, who through reflection grows to learn the horrific aftermath linked to the ideals he worshipped, where he declares,“The knife hated only the purple jacket. The jacket was a stupid meaningless thing that was robbing him of his life.” Be sure to introduce the concept properly for THIS text - Does it show the exact same thing as above? A little variance? The personification of the “knife” and the “jacket”, where they “hated” and “robbed”, describes the personal ramifications these objects have had, contradicting the colour symbolism of the “purple” of the jacket which conveys nobility and royalty. What does this show the audience? What does it have to do with Discovery? The reduced description of the gang in “purple jacket” provides as a synecdoche, implying that the harsh realisation of the true meaning of the jacket has created so much disdain for the gang that he cannot even name them. Wider implications for Discovery? You need to go BEYOND just literal comprehension, tell me what the audience learns about the CONCEPT, not just the characters. Evidently, the dynamic process of memory has enabled further meaningful discoveries to be made, resulting in initial beliefs to be rejected and, in each case, past selves to be criticised. Thus, both Andy and Prospero reflect the ability for this self-governed discovery to stimulate emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual significance as their ideals fluctuate with the maturity of time. This is what I mean by a proper conclusion - I know that you've got two paragraphs forming one idea, but you do need a conclusion for every paragraph, even if it is short.
This process of rediscovery can facilitate confronting and provocative self-discoveries of the consequences of one’s actions in determining one’s dire circumstances. As above - This is a great concept but it shouldn't have been in your Thesis. Shakespeare’s Caliban in The Tempest reflects the immediate, emotional meaning derived from the reassessment of oneself when he realises he is the means of his own end, as he “…showed thee all the qualities o’th’isle, the fresh springs, brine pits, barren place and fertile. Cursed be I that did so!...And here you sty me in this hard rock, whiles you do keep from me the rest o’th’island.” This quote is definitely too long - Again, try to just nab the bit that you need to show the technique. It makes it easier for you too! The use of asyndeton illustrates the number of places that Caliban has revealed to Prospero, reflecting how they are not known by many, giving Caliban power over Prospero- that being the power of knowledge potentially evoking jealousy, thus why Prospero may have imprisoned him. Try to take this idea of "knowledge evoking jealousy" and make it bigger than the text itself - How does the AUDIENCE learn this? The truncated sentence and exclamation mark reveals Caliban’s regret for exposing this power of knowledge, as he is confronted with the intellectual realisation that it was Prospero’s physical discovery of the qualities of the island in which Caliban was a catalyst for that led to his imprisonment. The metaphor of a pig in “sty me” compares Caliban to an animal that has connotations to dirt and filth, where he is being kept in a “pig sty” by Prospero, juxtaposing and reducing his ability to reveal magnificent aspects of the island and hence justifying the outrage felt by Caliban. Great techniques and textual examples here, but you need to do more with them.
The protagonist of Andy in Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding too reflects the intense significance of the reassessment of oneself in catalysing confronting and provocative self-discoveries, where he challenges and questions, “Why, they’re afraid of the Guardians, Andy thought in amazement. But why should they be? I wasn’t afraid of the Guardians…I got heart. But I’m bleeding.” Since you are using the quotes again in later sentences, is there a need for this one? Explicitly stated is that this is a sudden discovery by establishing a surprised tone in words such as “amazement”, where this is a catalyst for Andy to discover he is the means of his own end. The rhetorical question voices Andy’s confusion and surprise, and “I got heart” uses colloquial language to establish the protagonist’s young age, creating a satirical tone where the composer is mocking Andy’s pride through the metaphor of “heart” but also evoking sympathy through describing this death as premature. This is better! You are starting to talk about the composers choices and the effect on the audience (right now it is implied) - Good! The use of the conjunction of “But” at the beginning of the sentence further emphasises this discovery as sudden, where the irony between “heart” and “bleeding” describes how the protagonist having “heart”, meaning pride, is the reason for which he is “bleeding”: he is the reason for his pain. The first bit of this about Discovery is peerrrfect, make an audience link and this would be excellent. Hence, Andy and Caliban experience sudden discoveries as a result of reflection, where they are confronted with the revelation of being the means of their own end. The Discovery links in this paragraph are MUCH better than above - Incredible difference. The aftermath of this is varying degrees of remorse: Caliban is angry, whereas Andy is more sorrowful. Retell - Don't need to know what happened in the text! Thus, emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual meaning was provoked through the process of rediscovery, as perspectives of oneself were uprooted by the cyclical nature of time. This paragraph is MUCH better than the ones above - Great stuff!
In conclusion, it is evident that discoveries stimulated by the reassessment of oneself hold significant potential for emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual transformation. As described in Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding, the intense meaning that is facilitated through rediscovery can be achieved by the dynamic process of memory, where the maturity of time allows the rejection or acceptance of our past selves to be offered, as well as the confronting and the provocative self-discoveries that allow personal growth in these areas. Nice punchy conclusion, I like it!
So there are aspects of this essay I really like - Some of your conceptual statements are extremely clever, you've got some great textual references, and some
in that last paragraph! Definitely the makings of a Band 6 response, we just need to tidy up the execution. My main recommendations would be:
- Clarify your Thesis by reducing its length and honing in on one aspect of Discovery. It is just a little bit all over the place right now, a lot of concepts and it is hard for the reader to know exactly what your focus is, which means you risk not answering the question properly.
and describing characters - This essay is about showing the marker how Discoveries can be meaningful,
. Your response right now is very text focused - A big emphasis on characters and recount. You need to abstract and focus instead on the concept, and how the composer makes choices to communicate that concept. You did this fairly well in your last paragraph!
- More audience links (what do we learn?) to make your analysis more sophisticated
- Use shorter quotes - This is more for your benefit than anything else! Just grab the bit you need. This will also potentially free room for you to have more quotes and more analysis in your paragraphs
Definitely let me know if you'd like any of this feedback qualified - I hope it helps you!
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