English Advanced Essay Marking (Modules Only)

[RobertDyd]

Hi Guys, could you mark and give me advice for this essay I wrote? Its Module A, a comparative.Thanks!


Q: An exploration of intertextual connections reveals the relationship between context and key values.

Universal themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time.  Intertextual connections are established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “Kind Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to inform and inspire a modern western audience to engage with Shakespeare.  While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication.

Some have interpreted the play R3 as a construct of Tudor propaganda as Richard is vilified and Henry VII (Richmond) glorified in order to flatter the queen and legitimise her claim to the throne. In the play, Shakespeare presents Richard as someone determined to be a villain because of his deformity, as it prevents him from finding pleasure in human relationships and nature. Shakespeare suggests that it is this isolation that motivates Richard’s evil; manifesting itself as a thirst for status and power. Richard’s attitude towards his ‘otherness’ is expressed through the simile: “… love forswore me in my mother’s womb… to shrink mine arm up like a wither’d shrub… deformity to mock my body.” This tone of disgust underpins the blame Richard places on his abnormal birth. Animal imagery is used to describe Richard’s evil as he is referred to as a “toad,” “boar,” and “foul swine” throughout the play. ” Even Margaret calls him a “elvish-marked, abortive, rooting hog” The consistency and clout of the animal imagery creates symbolic descriptions of Richard which highlight his loss of human qualities and emphasise his bestial, primitive lust for power. While Shakespeare was influenced by the deeply theocratic society, where humans could be born ‘evil’, Pacino’s work is guided by secular egalitarian values.  Aware of the excessive violence and gang crimes glorified in 90s rap music, Pacino was constructing the film in a context guided by the belief that innocent people could be influenced by external evils. By including interviews, rehearsal footage and vox-pop snippets, Pacino is able to lift the character of Richard off the page, allowing the audience to empathise with Richard, despite his capacity for evil. During the re-enactments of Richard’s soliloquy in the film, Pacino exaggerates Richard’s hunched body language, as the dynamically shifting camera angles capture him hitting the wall with a walking stick in between lines in order to “illustrate the corruption in his mind”. Pacino clothes his character in black attire to emphasise Richard’s malevolent nature and illuminates only half of Richard’s face, exploring the duplicity of his character. This is further amplified when Pacino softly whispers; “Plots have I laid… inductions dangerous” breathing directly to the camera , enhances the resentment and disgust behind the words. 

Within Shakespeare’s deeply religious society, self-determinism was supressed by god’s rule and the chain of being and Shakespeare’s purpose is to substantiate God’s autonomy over the fate and fortune of the mortal world. This is expressed through the ghost of King Henry who uses emotive language;  “When I was mortal, my anointed body, By thee was punchèd full of deadly holes” to create provocative imagery that haunts Richard as a direct result of his evil actions. Shakespeare suggests that it is Richard’s fate to go mad as emphasised through the multiple visits from ghosts, who threaten him with the repeated, alliterative phrase; “Despair, and die!” Audiences who have witnessed Richard’s intention “to prove a villain” in Act 1, now see Richard declaring that he has become one (“I am a villain”). However, rather than feeling a sense of achievement Richard is suddenly afflicted with moral loathing and self-doubt as expressed through the hypophera “What do I fear? Myself? There’s none else by.… I rather hate myself. For hateful deeds committed by myself.”  Richard’s clarity is short lived and true to the values of fatalism, which is expressed through the anaphora and rhetorical questions “Is the chair empty? Is the sword unswayed?/Is the king dead? The empire unpossessed” which emphasis his erratic thoughts.  In the film, fatalism is silenced, reflecting the rise of secular individualism and the loss of religious beliefs in society, suggesting that individuals are responsible for choosing to betray others for power. This is represented in the film when Kimball states “… he does not have his own humanity, he has lost it”. This idea is enforced by the vox pop of the black man as he states “We have no feeling. That's why it's easy for us to shoot each other.” The use of the vox pop connects the audience to the film and Al Pacino’s values. The docudrama contrasts Shakespeare’s support of God’s autonomy, claiming determinism as the rightful virtue.

Shakespeare employs specific language conventions and structural styles to reflect values regarding the patriarchal constructs in which he produced his work. In the play, Richard’s seduction of Lady Anne reflects the gender dynamic s of Shakespeare’s context. Richard’s prolific skill with language combined with being able to identify the weaknesses of others allows him to easily subjugate Lady Anne in an impressive stichomythic exchange. Through the use of the pronouns “I”, “Thy”, “Me” in the lines “For I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me” Richard is portrayed as a authoritative force who objectifies Lady Anne. As a result, Lady Anne is manipulated into thinking that her appearance has directed Richard’s actions, underpinning the assumption of a passive female voice that is shaped by Shakespearean gender expectations. In the film, we see a shift of values as a direct result of the feminist movement, where subjection is more powerfully linked to youth than gender. This is evident in the scene where Kimball and Pacino discuss the casting of Lady Anne, before the film cuts to the young Winona Ryder in a rehearsal room.  Ryder portrays Lady Anne as naive and distressed when she is wooed by Richard by her father’s body, an interpretation that is emphasised in in Richard’s ensuing exclamation ‘Ha!’ The victorious tone exposes Richard’s intention to treat Lady Anne as possession that can be gained and discarded at his leisure. This shows that female power is transient, even within a post-feminist society, exposing the social constraints of the time.

[bananna]

Hi 😀
What do you think of the song 'Hurricane' by Bob Dylan as a related text for 'The Crucible'

Thanks

[elysepopplewell]

Hi Guys, could you mark and give me advice for this essay I wrote? Its Module A, a comparative.Thanks!

Hey Robert! Absolutely happy to lend a hand
I've put my comments in the bold font below:

Spoiler

Q: An exploration of intertextual connections reveals the relationship between context and key values.

Universal textual? themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time.  Intertextual connections are established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “Kind Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to inform and inspire a modern western audience to engage with Shakespeare.  While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. We haven't identified the key values at this point. You've identified the audiences and the intentions of Pacino, and the themes, but not the values. This is vital to you impressing your marker early on and setting the didactic tone for the rest of your essay. Furthermore, you've taken the approach of privileging Pacino's text over Shakespeare's. You need to make sure you're identifying the parent text as a text of integrity on its own, and then link that to the production of the new text. The question requires you to look at contexts retrospectively, as well as by making connections between the two. I'm excited especially about "evil and gender dynamics" - this sounds really interesting.

Some If you can, be more specific. Scholars? Contemporaries of the play? Modern readers? Or, some readers in general? have interpreted the play R3 as a construct of Tudor propaganda as Richard is vilified and Henry VII (Richmond) glorified in order to flatter the queen and legitimise her claim to the throne. In the play, Shakespeare presents Richard as someone determined to be a villain because of his deformity, as it prevents him from finding pleasure in human relationships and nature. Shakespeare suggests that it is this isolation that motivates Richard’s evil; manifesting itself as a thirst for status and power. Richard’s attitude towards his ‘otherness’ is expressed through the simile: “… love forswore me in my mother’s womb… to shrink mine arm up like a wither’d shrub… deformity to mock my body.” This tone of disgust underpins the blame Richard places on his abnormal birth. Animal imagery is used to describe Richard’s evil as he is referred to as a “toad,” “boar,” and “foul swine” throughout the play. ” Even (Not so sure if "even" adds anything to your argument) Margaret calls him a “elvish-marked, abortive, rooting hog” The consistency and clout of the animal imagery creates symbolic descriptions of Richard which highlight his loss of human qualities and emphasise his bestial, primitive lust for power. While Shakespeare was influenced by the deeply theocratic society, where humans could be born ‘evil’, Having studied these texts, I think there are other strong examples of drawing on theocracy. The animal imagery is a great argument, but it doesn't link with the contextual idea of theocracy very clearly. There are several biblical allusions that you could drawn on if you pleased, just to bridge this gap. The ideas are perfect on there own, but the link to context of theocracy isn't strong. Pacino’s work is guided by secular egalitarian values.  Aware of the excessive violence and gang crimes glorified in 90s rap music, Pacino was constructing the film in a context guided by the belief that innocent people could be influenced by external evils. By including interviews, rehearsal footage and vox-pop snippets, Pacino is able to lift the character of Richard off the page, allowing the audience to empathise with Richard, despite his capacity for evil. I liked when you listed the three film techniques, but they weren't explained well. They were just listed rather than analysed. What is it about these techniques that lifts them off the page? As is, you've just listed some techniques to show you know they exist, not so much to show you understand the conscious process behind filming and editing each. I think the vox pops really ground the context and create an ethos, but I think the interviews work as a way of making the original text accessible. The three techniques you've listed all have different purposes, so grouping them together doesn't do each justice. During the re-enactments of Richard’s soliloquy in the film, Pacino exaggerates Richard’s hunched body language, as the dynamically shifting camera angles capture him hitting the wall with a walking stick in between lines in order to “illustrate the corruption in his mind”. Love this. Pacino clothes his character in black attire to emphasise Richard’s malevolent nature and illuminates only half of Richard’s face, exploring the duplicity of his character In which scene? At the moment it sounds like only half of his face is shown the whole time. (From memory: it's not...but it's been a while and I could be wrong on this!).. This is further amplified when Pacino softly whispers; “Plots have I laid… inductions dangerous” breathing directly to the camera , enhances the resentment and disgust behind the words. We need to address the key values more explicitly here. So we've talked about the context of Shakespeare in theocracy, and the context of Pacino in gangs, but the "key values" that the question asks of aren't being addressed. Perhaps,
 the value of strong leadership, of religious purity...or the value of authentic human experiences, or the value of film. The response sits well, but when the values are weaved through the response will be very strong.

Within Shakespeare’s deeply religious society, self-determinism was supressed by god’s rule and the chain of being and Shakespeare’s purpose is to substantiate God’s autonomy over the fate and fortune of the mortal world. This is expressed through the ghost of King Henry who uses emotive language;  “When I was mortal, my anointed body, By thee was punchèd full of deadly holes” to create provocative imagery that haunts Richard as a direct result of his evil actions. Shakespeare suggests that it is Richard’s fate to go mad as emphasised through the multiple visits from ghosts, who threaten him with the repeated, alliterative phrase; “Despair, and die!” Audiences who have witnessed Richard’s intention “to prove a villain” in Act 1, now see Richard declaring that he has become one (“I am a villain”). However, rather than feeling a sense of achievement Richard is suddenly afflicted with moral loathing and self-doubt as expressed through the hypophera “What do I fear? Myself? There’s none else by.… I rather hate myself. For hateful deeds committed by myself.”  Richard’s clarity is short lived and true to the values of fatalism, which is expressed through the anaphora and rhetorical questions “Is the chair empty? Is the sword unswayed?/Is the king dead? The empire unpossessed” which emphasis his erratic thoughts.  Loving this paragraph so far.In the film, fatalism is silenced, reflecting the rise of secular individualism and the loss of religious beliefs in society, suggesting that individuals are responsible for choosing to betray others for power. This is represented in the film when Kimball states “… he does not have his own humanity, he has lost it”. This idea is enforced by the vox pop of the black man as he states “We have no feeling. That's why it's easy for us to shoot each other.” The use of the vox pop connects the audience to the film and Al Pacino’s values. Great connection. The docudrama contrasts Shakespeare’s support of God’s autonomy, claiming determinism as the rightful virtue.

Shakespeare employs specific language conventions and structural styles to reflect values regarding the patriarchal constructs in which he produced his work. In the play, Richard’s seduction of Lady Anne reflects the gender dynamic s of Shakespeare’s context. Richard’s prolific skill with language combined with being able to identify the weaknesses of others allows him to easily subjugate Lady Anne in an impressive stichomythic exchange. Love this! Through the use of the pronouns “I”, “Thy”, “Me” in the lines “For I did kill King Henry, but twas thy beauty that provoked me” Richard is portrayed as a authoritative force who objectifies Lady Anne. As a result, Lady Anne is manipulated into thinking that her appearance has directed Richard’s actions, underpinning the assumption of a passive female voice that is shaped by Shakespearean gender expectations. In the film, we see a shift of values as a direct result of the feminist movement in America? in Hollywood? in the world? I think it's worth specifying for the purpose of nailing the context., where subjection is more powerfully linked to youth than gender. This is evident in the scene where Kimball and Pacino discuss the casting of Lady Anne, before the film cuts to the young Winona Ryder in a rehearsal room.  Ryder portrays Lady Anne as naive and distressed when she is wooed by Richard by her father’s body, an interpretation that is emphasised in in Richard’s ensuing exclamation ‘Ha!’ The victorious tone exposes Richard’s intention to treat Lady Anne as possession that can be gained and discarded at his leisure. This shows that female power is transient, even within a post-feminist society, exposing the social constraints of the time.

Without a conclusion, this essay is very strong. You have a very clear structure which is the greatest merit to your work. I've commented on various parts throughout. Funnily enough, what is an issue in one paragraph isn't really an issue in the next! So it's best you read the comments than be me making a summary at the end. I think you're on the way to a band 6 essay. The last paragraph lacks the substance that the others have in terms of perspective and evidence. The other paragraphs seemed more dense whereas this last one appeared to compare two specific scenes, as opposed to drawing on various scenes to ensure the point is displayed in a rich manner. In saying this, I didn't think it let down the essay as a whole, because the ideas expressed were so refreshing.

An idea for you to explore: "Reshaping." I think you deal with the two texts and the way they stand by one another, but I think there can be more of a sense of Pacino working with a difficult Shakespeare text and churning it into the realms of film. I think there could be more discussion of the importance of medium: theatre/film. I think this could filter through the response. Obviously we know that Pacino's text is a film, but I think it's inextricably linked to context: why film? Who would watch film? More so: why docudrama as opposed to film? What does this offer to a modern audience of the 90s?

Let me know if I can help anymore!

[RobertDyd]

Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it.

Im a bit worried about my changes to the intro, could you take a look at it again? I think I may have put a bit too much into it but Im not sure.

Universal textual themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Shakespeare aims to achieve a dramatization of the historical events that lead to the overthrow of the York dynasty that justifies the re-establishment of the Tudor Dynasty by portraying a malicious and corrupted Richard in his pursuit of power and downfall. Intertextual connections are thus established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “King Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to interpret and reinforce the key values in the original text so as to inform and inspire a modern western audience. While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. Because of this, key values such as strong leadership, free will, and social constraints are able to endure the passage of time.

[elysepopplewell]

Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it.

Im a bit worried about my changes to the intro, could you take a look at it again? I think I may have put a bit too much into it but Im not sure.

Universal textual themes and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Shakespeare aims to achieve a dramatization of the historical events that lead to the overthrow of the York dynasty that justifies the re-establishment of the Tudor Dynasty by portraying a malicious and corrupted Richard in his pursuit of power and downfall. Intertextual connections are thus established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “King Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to interpret and reinforce the key values in the original text so as to inform and inspire a modern western audience. While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. Because of this, key values such as strong leadership, free will, and social constraints are able to endure the passage of time.

Sure thing

Universal textual themes I know I suggested this, but now I'm not sure it reads so well. "Universal themes" was too vague, but this doesn't flow well. Perhaps, "Universal themes and powerful language allows a text to endure..." and powerful language can endure the passage of time. Shakespeare aims to achieve a dramatization dramatisation* of the historical events that lead to the overthrow of the York dynasty that justifies the re-establishment of the Tudor Dynasty by portraying a malicious and corrupted Richard in his pursuit of power and downfall. I think you forgot to identify the text Intertextual connections are thus established by Al Pacino who translates Shakespeare’s play “King Richard III” (R3) into the contemporarily accessible film “Looking for Richard” (LFR) in order to interpret and reinforce the key values in the original text so as to inform and inspire a modern western audience.This part is outstanding! While both texts explore the concepts of Status, Power, Evil and Gender Dynamics, the issues are treated differently as a result of the mainstream values dominating society at the time of publication. Because of this, key values such as strong leadership, free will, and social constraints are able to endure the passage of time. Perfect ending - way to address the question!

You've done an excellent job with this!

[sophiegmaher]

Module A: This essay was just holiday homework and is only based off one text as we have only studied one so far, so no intertextual perspective or comparative study has been made. I'm sending this in, however, to get another perspective on whether my thesis makes sense and answers the question, and if I have stuck with it throughout my essay! Also if my introduction is clear and specific enough. The question is included in the document. Thanks!

[jamonwindeyer]

Module A: This essay was just holiday homework and is only based off one text as we have only studied one so far, so no intertextual perspective or comparative study has been made. I'm sending this in, however, to get another perspective on whether my thesis makes sense and answers the question, and if I have stuck with it throughout my essay! Also if my introduction is clear and specific enough. The question is included in the document. Thanks!

Hey Sophie! My magical spreadsheet tells me you'll need 30 posts to qualify for your next essay marking that said, I notice most of your concern is on your Thesis, give me a quick look at that!

Thesis w/ Feedback

How does Metropolis reflect its social, cultural and historical context as well as the perspective and purpose of its composer?

Texts are a product of their time, thus the social, cultural and historical context of 1929 inevitably influences the very themes that are discussed within the film Metropolis. I would have liked if you kept things general for a full sentence before bringing in the specific text - It shows you are considering the aims of the module as a whole, not just as they relate to your texts. So like, "Texts are a product of their time, as composers extrapolate on issues of their context to ..." - Have a completely general start, then say, "This is revealed in the text ______." This is revealed in the specific ideologies Fritz Lang discusses that stem from the tumultuous period of the time. He does this, however, by revealing the negative ramifications of such themes within an emotionally desolate, dystopian society, subsequently positioning the audience to appreciate and strive to achieve the opposing, positive values they give rise to. I like this, nice! A term you could use here is 'didactic' Thus, it is the way the negative ideologies of conformity, social stratification and the abuse of power are expressed through the means of German Expressionist cinema that exemplify Lang’s perspective on these prevalent contextual issues, where his purpose for the construction of the film Metropolis is therefore reflected in the encouragement of the opposing, positive values of individualism, equality and hope. I think those ideas should have been introduced earlier, since you've already talked about how they are expressed. The last sentence should be a little more conclusive, "Therefore, ______" or "Thus, _____," that sort of finalising language.

I think this works really well! Definitely answers the question nicely and I like the ideas within, they make perfect sense to me a few nitpicks in the comments within that you might want to consider, but great work!!

Let us know when you hit the 30 post mark and we'll get the full thing marked for you

[chloeannbarwick]

My essay is a 'personal response' essay for module B of the HSC on Hamlet
My main worries are contextual depth, and often the way I write is not sophisticated enough. If you could help me out, that would be great! 

[jamonwindeyer]

My essay is a 'personal response' essay for module B of the HSC on Hamlet
My main worries are contextual depth, and often the way I write is not sophisticated enough. If you could help me out, that would be great! 

Hey Chloe!! Thanks for posting your essay! As I mentioned in my reply here, you are just a few posts short of qualifying for feedback - Two more posts (in fact, one more post then come back and post here to tell us) will get you there

[sophiegmaher]

Hey! I'm writing an essay for Module C, and I was hoping I could get feedback on my introduction! The question is: “Experiences of real, remembered and imagined landscape may be complex and diverse, but the influence on identity is always profound.”
Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

And my introduction is:
The experience of a landscape is never identical between two people due to variations in personal, social and cultural context. Nonetheless, identity is inevitably influenced by this experience in ways that can be detrimental or constructive. The interaction between real and remembered landscapes can stimulate one’s identity to be narrowed or broadened, however this positive or negative consequence is determined by an individual’s decision to engage or reject with their present landscape. The disengagement with one’s environment is a self-imposed constraint resulting from the development of values in past landscapes, where the failure to adapt these to one’s present environment can catalyse unforeseen and undesired physical and psychological consequences on one’s potential in their real and future environment, such as the diminishing of unrealised aspirations. Judith Wright’s poems “For New England” and “Brothers and Sisters”, as well as Henry Lawson’s short story The Drover’s Wife, both explore the profound positive or negative influences the Australian landscape has on identity as catalysed by the complex and diverse experiences of real, remembered and imagined landscapes incurred by different individuals.

I would really appreciate feedback! Thank you!

[anotherworld2b]

Hi I was wondering if I could have some help making my response succinct without losing content. I was also wondering if I could have some help in applying what my teacher said. I was also hoping to get an indication of how well I'm fulfilling this assessment's marking key so I can improve it

[chloeannbarwick]

Hey Chloe!! Thanks for posting your essay! As I mentioned in my reply here, you are just a few posts short of qualifying for feedback - Two more posts (in fact, one more post then come back and post here to tell us) will get you there

I could have sworn I had 18 posts but I'm now back up to 15, happy marking! thank you for your help!

[jamonwindeyer]

My essay is a 'personal response' essay for module B of the HSC on Hamlet
My main worries are contextual depth, and often the way I write is not sophisticated enough. If you could help me out, that would be great! 

Hey Chloe! Thanks for getting your post count up, your essay is attached with feedback throughout in bold

Spoiler

How is your personal response to Hamlet shaped by the interaction of characters in the play?

William Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ is constructed through the deliberate use of ambiguity and duality in the inclusion of characters who play less significant roles that that of the main characters and through emphasizing the ways in which these characters interact. I'm not quite clicking with the purpose of this Thesis, try simplifying it - Your focus is character interaction, say that in a much simpler way! One can see how through doing this, Shakespeare invites multiple interpretations from an audience. Through an in depth analysis of the play, deeper understandings of the characters and their various interactions can be developed, highlighting the ways in which Shakespeare has drawn upon idea’s such as the corruption of nature, paternal absence and appearance vs reality. Nice listing of themes you'll discuss - Is there a way you can link them all together? Try and justify them being in the same essay. In turn, these ideas are the cause of the manifestation of important questions, internal conflicts and the forming of my own conclusions, contributing greatly to the shaping of my personal response and a deepened understanding of the Elizabethan world. Again, try to be more direct - The first half of that sentence could just be "These ideas inspire important questions," or something similar. Simple is almost always better!

Upon the suspicious terms of his Fathers death, it takes Hamlet nothing more than a few simple interactions to convince himself that his Uncle come Father in-law is responsible. Retell - Don't waste words giving the reader plot details! Shakespeare’s carefully constructed Mis en Abyme – the play within the play encompasses the suggestive interactions of the players with the purpose of revealing Claudius’s guilt. The effective disposition results in Claudius’s sudden exit from the court performance – giving proof of his guilt over murdering the King. Retell. Besides this, the tension noticed between Hamlet, Claudius and Gertrude in their dialogue and interactions has lead me to believe that That Claudius did in fact kill Old Hamlet, and that on account of this, hamlet is not truly mad, but must instead fein the disguise of madness, a cloak under which he may effectively deceive the king. Try not to approach your analysis/personal response in a plot centred way - The question doesn't really want you to analyse what you think happened in the text or your opinions of the characters - It wants what you learn about the themes! How your understanding of the world has been improved. Things useful beyond the text itself. Hamlet’s vowed intention to “put an antic disposition” on the King through faking madness is a tactic that I find to be of great success. Retell. Through interaction with a range of characters, Shakespeare’s exploration of appearance vs reality in which Hamlet has fooled the masses, having them believe that his actions are a result of his madness can be seen in the dialogue exchanged with friend Guildenstern when stating that he is only “mad north-north-west,” an allegory in which he means that he is only partly mad – for the cause, and mostly sane. Good idea, good technique - What does the technique achieve? Try to explore the effects of the techniques you mention. Despite his efforts, Claudius and myself remain unconvinced of Hamlets madness. Through interactions with Polonius, Claudius reveals his disbelief through demanding “Get from him why he puts on this confusion.” Retell. The tone in which Claudius makes his demand conveys the extent to which he does not believe in Hamlets façade, and therefore, the interactions of Hamlet and Guildenstern and Claudius and Polonius have lead me to believe that Hamlet is not truly mad, and the Claudius did in fact kill Old Hamlet.  Give your paragraphs a more definite conclusion. Thus, ______.

During the late middle ages, ghosts were, under any circumstance considered a bad omen and a consequence of the corruption of nature. Nice contextual info! But I don't think it works at the start of the paragraph - This sentence should be setting up the idea of the paragraph, the main theme. At first, all characters’ exhibit skepticism towards the ghost and his claims. They cannot willingly put their faith in omens of the devil or think evil of their king. Retell. However, interactions between the Ghost, Hamlet, Horatio, Marcellus and Bernardo serve to prove not only to the characters, but to myself, that the ghost is real and that Denmark is corrupt. Retell. Interactions between Hamlet and his inner self in the form of an existential crisis are explored within Shakespeare’s famous soliloquy’s. These soliloquies reveal hamlets confliction over weather his true duty is to stick to Old Testament expectations and do his duty to his father by avenging his unrightfull death, or to follow New Testament expectations and achieve his Fathers salvation through faith by trusting in God for guidance and allowing Claudius to live. Retell - But again good contextual links! Either way, Hamlet is caught in a cycle of corruption, action and inaction. He must make the conscious decision over weather or not to act, and no matter what he chooses, it is evident to myself that it will essentially further the corruption of Denmark. Retell - Read your last few sentences, see how it is really just retelling the story and analysing the plot? For a marker who knows the text, this gives them nothing new! Further interactions between castle guards Horatio, Marcellus and Bernardo with the ghost serve to prove its existence. Retell. Despite Hamlet being the only character to exchange dialogue directly with the ghost, dialogue between the castle guards regarding the ghost helps to reveal that it truly exists. At first, Horatio does not believe in the existence of the ghost, but upon seeing it with is own eyes he states; “Before my God, I might not this believe without the sensible and true avouch of mine own eyes.” Retell. Allusion, as seen here gives indirect reference to the belief that he now has, having seen the ghost with his own eyes, more proof for it’s existence than than he does for the existence of God himself. Try to put your technique and quote in the same sentence - It prevents getting to the end of the sentence and thinking, "Oh, she's missed the technique," like I just did. Putting it after the fact interrupts your flow! Seen through the interactions of Hamlet, the ghost, the castle guards, and through Shakespeare’s taking of the conventional puppet, humanizing it through interaction and christianising it through context, Shakespeare’s ghost is a character that can easily be identified as ‘real.’ I have come to believe that the ghost truly does exist as an omen of the corruption of the State of Denmark.

It is not stated directly whether or not Ophelia, the daughter of Polonius, is pregnant, although a number of key interactions and occurrences suggest to me that she is. Shortly after receiving a visit from a deranged Hamlet, Ophelia exchanges dialogue with her father, stating “Long stayed he so”, meaning that he had remained in her room for a rather long time. Retell - You don't need to explain the meaning of quotes to a marker. Despite the ambiguity of the situation, this suggests to me that Hamlet may have used this time to take Ophelia’s virtue and impregnate her. The interactions between Hamlet and Ophelia soon after his visit lead to Ophelia singing a song of unrequited love; “Before you tumbled me, you promis’d me to wed,” quoted by Ophelia. She then continues to sing; “So would I ha’done, by yonder sun, An thou hadst not come to my bed.” Techniques in these quotes? This interaction between Hamlet and Ophelia suggests that Hamlet had bribed Ophelia with the promise of marriage upon the terms that she lie with him. This proves to me that Hamlet did in fact take Ophelia’s virtue, although to determine whether or not she is pregnant, it is important to first consider her death. It appears to me that death is accepted by Ophelia as a gift from Mother Nature. Upon taking hold of the branch by the water, the interaction of faith and the wills of Mother Nature and Ophelia come into play. Mother Nature acts and the branch is snapped. Retell. The decision is then left to Ophelia as to weather she is to struggle (action) in an attempt to save herself, or to relax (inaction) and let the drowning happen in relation to the action vs inaction theory. Retell. My response to Ophelia’s death is that she made the conscious decision to accept her end on account of a number of struggles within her life. Ophelia’s previous intimate interactions with Hamlet lead me to believe that she did in fact commit suicide on account of being pregnant with his child, rather than over the death of her Father Polonius.

To me, Hamlet is a play about many things, but most importantly, it is a play about decisions. Despite the characters having to make a number of important decisions throughout the text, the most important decisions are made by the audience. Through the inclusion of both significant and insignificant characters and highlighting their interactions, Shakespeare has constructed a text in which interpretations and responses are left to the audience. In turn, this has caused me to make a number of judgments and has resulted in the formation of my own personal response to the play.

So I'll preface my feedback by saying that I don't know exactly what your task required you to do, whether it is different to a typical HSC essay. What you have done is explored parts of the plot, explaining why you think certain things about the plot and the characters. Sort of like, giving your take on ambiguities in the text. This is also done in the 1st person. This is not how you'd approach a typical HSC essay.

For a HSC essay, for a question on personal response, you're required to explain how your world view/understanding in a general sense, not just related to the text and its plot and its characters, has been altered. It is altered by the use of techniques in the text - So you provide examples of how techniques impact your understanding of certain key themes. This is done in the 3rd person, because although you are exploring a personal response, you still need to use academic language to do it.

Some comments that are relevant either way:

- You are giving me a lot of retell, explanation of the plot. Remember, your marker has read the text so these are empty words!
- I need more techniques and more explanation of what those techniques achieve!
- I need more conceptual analysis, meaning, themes and concepts. You introduce some great ones in your intro then you don't use them!
- Ensure your paragraphs start with a clear introduction that gives the purpose/theme of that paragraph, and that they end with one that concludes with clarity.
- You've done a good job including context in a few places, but since it is an area of concern, try doing it more! You need to look at how Shakespeare's context is evident in how he uses techniques and portrays concepts.
- Make sure your language is direct and simple - There were a few places (I spotted a few in the intro especially) where you used a lot of words, and it actually made you less clear, not more clear!

I hope this feedback helps

[legorgo18]

Hello, idk if this is the right section, but i would just want to give a huge thank you to elyse for marking my yeats essay! Just got my half yearly back and i got 19/20 for that essay omg!!! Tyvm <33333333 ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[chloeannbarwick]

Thank you for your awesome help with marking my essay! I'll be sure to make the appropriate alterations. Once again, thanks allot!