Okay I'm going on an essay marking spree. All in this post. Before each essay I mark I'll include a hyperlink so you know which is the unmarked version. Regular disclaimers apply to all essays: I haven't read all these texts, I am not experts in these texts, the things you should pay most attention to is what I'm telling you could be improved with your language, and you're really better off with someone expert at your texts giving you feedback. I will also be indecisive occasionally with my feedback because I'm not sure if I want to criticise it or whether it would work well specifically for the text.[/b]
Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]'
Somax is used in Ransom merely to provide entertainment and humour'. Do you agree? David Malouf’s incandescent reworking of a classic Greek epic in his fable
prose, Ransom, is evident in his addition of Somax’s character to guide Priam on his journey towards the Greek camp.
Okay there is quite a lot going on in this sentence-I feel like it could be simplified (and thus better expressed). You've used "his addition" of Somax... when shouldn't it be inclusion, in the fable, rather than an addition? And what is evident? His incandescent reworking? I don't like addition/inclusion, should just be like "Somax is characterised/utilised as/etc." - But I guess you're disagreeing with the prompt. Good move. Somax, playing a multimodal role in Ransom, is characterised by Malouf to symbolise
I feel like 'embody' would be more appropriate than 'symbolise' here. the “simple folk” – pragmatic, content and humble. In this way, Somax’s tranquil character naturally casts some earthy humour to the often disturbing novel, yet there is an evident underlying complexity to his character that is initially dissembled by this common exterior.
Good. Malouf’s
deliberate avoid this please god.juxtaposing
Tip for punchy writing: Avoid words ending with 'ing' unless it would be silly to avoid it. 'deliberate juxtaposing' is just a huge flow-killing phrase. BustaRhymes would cry. "Somax's juxtaposition with the 'world of ceremony', central to Priam...., is important...." even "The juxtaposition between..." or "Malouf juxtaposes..." of Somax’s character to the “world of ceremony” that is central to Priam in his “realm of the royal”, is important in facilitating the pivotal development of Priam’s character throughout the novel.
Get a thesis statement. You could also offer a little bit more complexity. Some people I guess might keep it short, but your intro is your first impression, so I always spent a while making mine excellent. (but it is your first essay). Job well done, I say.Okay, so you've gone for "Somax still entertains!" even though your contention (I think) is "That's not all he does, guys"... Right after you've said your contention is "that's not all he does" you start talking about how he's funny. See how that could mess with the reader's mind? Keep this paragraph til your third, I reckon.Somax’s dominate voice as storyteller, companied with his strange traits, act as a source of entertainment, engaging some delight in the reader and thus briefly removing us from the otherwise depressing themes of Malouf’s prose. In Somax’s unexceptional introduction – a “man the whole town recognises as a simple carter”
is this the title? It doesn't gel with the sentence. Quote could be better incorporated – the reader is given a small insight into his relationship with “the mule that has brought him” into Priam’s royal realm, Beauty. The unaccustomed love story between Somax and Beauty coaxes an immediate interest in the reading while the neglected Shock, Somax
's ‘other’ mule, receives our
I don't like the 'our'amused sympathy. His “coaxing and sweet-talking” of Beauty and the “small secrets” they share add to the flashes of humour in Malouf
's prose, while softening our impression of Somax. As he and Priam make their way to the Greek camps, Somax tendency to let “his tongue run on, with no fear at all, it seemed, of being taken for a mere rattle or chatterer” becomes our second source of entertainment. The stories of his daughter-in-law and her pikelets, “or griddlecakes as some people call them”, are seemingly irrelevant tales that become a “pleasant way of filling the time” as they strangely capture our interest. Contrastingly, Somax recounting of his children, the “poor things” that “died too early”, strikes sympathy in the reader however also revealing the inner complexity of feeling unexpected from this deceptively simple character.
This is much a retelling of the story. What you've done here I'd pretty much concentrate into the first part of your paragraph and then analyse some more complex evidence later on so it's less retelly. Definitely wouldn't use it as a first paragraph. Part of the retellyness is that it sort of seems to lack an argument--and what about his dominant voice of storyteller? This would be great to analyse, how the narrator is used, that's complex as fuck, but here you've mentioned it and then left it deader than disco. As the complexity of Somax’s character is revealed through his act of storytelling
again! Are you just wanting to tell us that you know he is the storyteller? I hope you analyse this!, these tales also serve to remind Priam of the universal aspects of the human condition —
loss, regret, grief —
Something tells me you really like to use the dash in your writing. This is okay, but too much is too much, it can look novice. I think a good writer won't need the dash as much as a lesser writer by way of his use of grammar and other punctuation. Too many dashes can kill an essay imo. (That being said, I still used like, two dashes in my English exam because I was pressed for time)Are these the human condition or the universal aspects? You shouldn't use the dashes here. You need to concentrate on articulating your thoughts in a clear way, you've used the dash because you want to fit more thought than the sentence can handle...I also just realised Somax might not be the narrator, but a guy who tell stories. Wow. *punches myself in the face*. as the two men, who are otherwise separated by the unbridgeable gulf of social rank, forge a common understanding. Somax’s story of the death of
double of, could be avoided for better expressionhis children, especially the “older child, a boy” who would “take the milk” of his sister as she was “so sickly she couldn’t feed”, revealed the underlying grief and loss that grips Somax. As he recounts the fatal day his son died, “sweating”, even then, “just at the memory of it”, the reader begins to get a sense of the past pain and loss that has contributed to Somax’s unique view of the world, making him a much more well-rounded character.
Good!Juxtaposed with Somax
's... You've left our a possessive apostrophe a lot in this essay... Stop it! haha evident grief, Priam’s detached relationship with his many son’s
used apostrophe to denote plurality. no. had left him with “much to take in”. He could share in no memory of the intimate moments Somax had with his children, all “he recalls is a series of small squalling bundles, each one presented to him like a bloodied human offering on the outstretched palms of an attendant”. The psychological abjection he had so obliviously been suffering became evident to Priam as he listened to “the lively manner, so full of emotion” in which Somax spoke of his children. With this Somax becomes the driving force that unintentionally facilitates Priam’s development as a character.
I feel like you need to link it back to the prompt in a stronger way (i was always very rigid with this) Somax embodies Priam’s vision of unadorned simplicity and authenticity and through him Priam
learns is thus able to learn to appreciate the unadorned beauty of a world outside his “royal realm”.
Good t.s The fertile natural world between encampment and city reflect Somax’s raw and earthy character. In this way, Malouf not only explores Somax
possessive!!!!!!!!!!!!!! inner-working but the contents of his realm. It is the natural world that Somax is custom with, yet juxtaposed with the private and enclosed spaces of bedchambers and inner courts that dominate Priam’s realm; it is a foreign land for Priam.
this is unfinished. Yet leaves room for more than just 'juxtaposed with x' For this reason, Malouf
deliberately pays close attention to the settings that surround the men. Evident in the close descriptions of the ancient name for a river – Menderes, that the men cross, “the bone-white gravel of its bed”, the “glossy-leafed rosebay bushes” that grow in “flowering clumps on the island between” and all the other very detailed intimate workings of this river and its wildlife, invites the reader to begin to appreciate that “everything was just itself”, to be “bewildering”, while also foreshadowing Priam’s own journey in learning to appreciate the simplicities of life himself. In this same way, Somax amused familiarity to the “fingerlings” that “nosed in and nudged and nibbled at him” compared to Priam’s “uncertain” and anxious reaction, demonstrates Somax intrinsic connection with the natural world around him. His belief that we are “children of nature” and of “the earth” helps Priam, not necessarily have the same connection, but gain a sense of awareness of things, outside his realm, that he had once allowed to be so ignorantly foreign to him.
Again I tyhink you need a sentence here that strongly ties it back to the prompt. This paragraph I think is more standout than the restUndoubtedly it is Somax
ppppppppppppppppooooosssssssessssive vernacular character, the attributes of colloquial human nature, which lends itself to his general likability and humour, yet it would be remiss to neglect Malouf’s core intentions for creating his character. Instead, Malouf demonstrates the complexity of even the most simplistic beings. By juxtaposing the unembellished life of Somax to the “royal realm” of Priam, Malouf is able to demonstrate the similarities even the most socially unequal individuals can share. Moreover, by making this distinction apparent, Malouf extols the power of the common man in instigating change, ultimately demonstrating to the reader that the power to influence change in others does not lie exclusively in the glorified or the powerful individual, but that the power often lies in the unexceptional beings – the “simple folk”.
Great conclusion. Some sentences here should have made their way into your essay sooner Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]"The ignorance of the villagers is more powerful than Anna's growing knowledge." DiscussEven though this is written in an hour, you should have more. I know it's early in the year but I'm not going to pull punches. You'd want a more in depth conclusion, and in my own style I would blend your paragraphs together to have 3 or 4 big main paragraphs. The splits, they will promote shallow writing imo. Also an interesting prompt. Ignorance, powerful, growing knowledge. I'm keen to see how you tackle this. In the mid-1660s,
There's nothing inherently wrong with this. It just sounds funny imo "mid-1660s". Could say "Following the Restoration. the burgeoning
inverted commas for age of enlightenmentAge of Enlightenment
invert was beginning to influence societal views of knowledge and personal liberty.
I like your opening.Year of Wonders, a historical fiction novel by Geraldine Brooks
Could also use "Geralidine Brooks' historical fiction novel, Year of Wonders, (sounds better in my head), presents an exploration of the dichotomy between new, enlightened views and those that are detritus of the Dark Ages.
GREAT The villagers of the town are ignorant, and this has an immediately noticeable, destructive effect. Anna's blossoming knowledge liberates her, but it cannot save the people she loves from the powerful destruction of the ignorant villagers.
Hmm. I can't distinguish your main arguments. Imo the idea of an intro is to a) show off how awesome you are, and b) introduce your essay. That means contention, main ideas, thesis statement, clarification of the prompt(optional). I appreciate this is made difficult by the way you've structured (not like you can fit in 5 or 6 main ideas lol). I'd personally recommend restructuring, but for the way you've written the rest of the essay, solid intro. However, you need a thesis statement at the end. The murder of Mem and Anys Gowdie is an exemplar
not sure on this word in this sentence. of the blind anger brought about the villagers' benightedness.
Great They know that the Gowdies are "well skilled in physic" and that they are "all the better off on account of it". Yet their incomprehension and mistrust of the Gowdies' skills makes them the targets of the villagers
possessive? fury. The image of Mem lying on the earth as "dark water spewed from her mouth", and later, Anys "unrecognisable, purple and bloated" arrestingly illuminates the sheer destructive power of the villagers' ignorance.
Yeah, man, way too shallow/short as a stand alone paragraph. What you've got there is great but there's so much more to be said. Perhaps you have structured in a way that makes up for this or used this as a skillful set-up... I will read on.Also portrayed in the scene of the Gowdies' lynching is Anna's impotence. She attempts to help Mem but is not match for the mob's rage. Her efforts to stop John Gordon are feeble compared to his power
Hmmm. Straying from the prompt? Power related to ignorance, not power. . She "knew [her] strength was insufficient to his frenzy". In this case, her encyclopaedic knowledge of the scripture is of no use, nor is her experience with birthing lambs. Her knowledge fails her, having no power against that of the villagers'; "distorted by drink and grief"
(?) Could get right of the possessive and the semi-colon. Just "villagers 'distorted by drink and grief'". Anna is later powerless again to prevent the murder of her closest friend, Elinor. Anna, along with the rest of the parishioners, is paralysed, unable to help as Aphra cuts Elinor's throat. Aphra, driven insane by loss, turns to dark sources for belief, and Anna is too afraid to confront her after seeing the rituals in her stepmother's house. This portrayal of the ineffectuality of Anna's knowledge highlights the fact that, more often than not throughout the novel, blind ignorance has greater power than Anna's enlightenment.
Okay, not bad. Good finishing sentence. Seems like you're backing yourself up with a sort of "common sense" approach that promotes retelling. I mean, 'of course the ignorance is more powerful! All you have to do to recognise that is remember this time, and this time!. Just be careful that you analyse deeply instead of taking the easy route. No overall writing issues so far
However, Anna's erudition and understanding of life does have powerful effects. Her gentle and compassionate delivery of Mary Daniel's baby is in stark contrast to the savage, unenlightened practices of the barber-surgeon that led to the death of Anna's mother and baby sister. Her first-hand knowledge of midwifery allows her to save potentially two lives in the Daniels household. This has a great effect on Mary, who otherwise would have had to suffer through childbirth alone.This proves that Anna can have a powerful effect, although not on the scale of that of the villagers'.
You use this possessive apostrophe. The plural is fine, you don't need to imply the "villagers' ignorance". Just saying the "villagers" is fine. Anna's knowledge brings her freedom, and the means by which to save her life. Threatened by the Bradfords, she flees; first to Plymouth, then Venice and finally Oran. Here, her knowledge allows her to work as a midwife for Ahmed Bey, who is stymied by the strict gender roles of Muslim North Africa. Anna continues her study as Bey's wife. Her flourished knowledge allows her this escape, as she would not be as useful were she merely an ignorant villager.
I just think this is doing nothing for you other than showing you've read the text.The ignorance of the villagers has an effect to which they are blind. Their ignorance allows them to be influenced, even exploited. As soon as Michael Mompellion sees George Viccars' sores, he suspects the Plague. Using his contacts, he sends away for more information from the doctors at Cambridge. The villagers do not have this luxury. Mompellion withholds his more advanced knowledge, instead appealing to the villagers' faith to convince them to stay. Knowledge is power, and had the villagers had the same knowledge as Mompellion, their choice may have been very different. The educated Bradfords choose to flee, the ignorant have little choice but to stay.
||prompt||--- ||->you||Despite the disturbing destruction of arising from the villagers, their ignorance ultimately traps them in the "wide, green prison". Anna's knowledge is ineffectual against physical power, but she fortifies the town and helps deliver babies safely, perhaps saving many more lives than were taken by the hateful villagers. Brooks portrays the 1660s as a time of struggle, with enlightenment ultimately triumphing over blind ignorance.
Well, for overall writing, this is nice. You have a good sense of the language, good vocab, good use of punctuation (except that pesky possessive) and your sentence structure is sound. That's just your writting, as in, the way you use words. The essay in itself... I think it could be much deeper, certainly have more metalanguage by proxy of the deep analysis (you sort of miss out on it through this essay), and in general it feels as if it's a skim retell that backs up the point. You want to back up the point and analyse it/the text. I think this is exacerbated by the way you've structured but I understand different people have different way of doing things. Personally, I dislike your structure, however, VCAA knows there are many different ways to write an essay. If your teacher is relaxed, I'd consider revising your style so you can better hit the criteria. I can go through this in more depth if you'd actually like to make the change. I see lots and lots of potential in you from this, but, yeah, the style. (imo) Loz I have nothing to add to your paragraph except for what werdna and yourself have already noticed.Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]58 minute, eh? Alright, cool “Year of Wonders” demonstrates the sinister side of religious fervour. Discuss.Geraldine Brooks’ “Year of Wonders” explores not only the sinister side of religious fervour but also the humanistic ideals which evolve from it. The restrictive mindsets o
f most of the people in Eyamseems too casual. Could also say "Eyam's villagers" drive people to use others as scapegoats as a result of their fear from the Plague. It is also through religous fervour, however, which helps shape Eyam through the compassionate actions emulated by Anna, Elinor and Mompellion in their daily toil with Plague sufferers.
Alright cool. I guess your teacher pushes smaller introductions? As aforementioned, I prefer longer intros, but this is sound if it's what you've been told to do. The villagers’ restrictive minds and
ignorance from pursuing knowledge this has the potential to be very unclear. It sounds like they're ignorant because of their knowledge pursuits, not that they're ignorant regarding knowledge pursuit. would revise.lead them to use others as scapegoats to satisfy their desire to explain the occurrence of the Plague. From the Puritan beliefs of Mr Stanley, a previous town pastor who believed that God’s actions were to “punish or chastise” and that actions were ever only “godly and right or Satanic or evil”, it is evident that this belief forms as a basis for most of the townspeople’s motivations in finding the reason for Plague’s occurrence.
As they are fearful of the emergence of new knowledge found in science or the herbs and cures which Anys and Mem develop, the villagers, such as Lib Hancock condemn Anys and Mem as they are social outcasts and can easily be blamed as they had no husbands and were therefore thought to be witches.
There's a lot going on in this sentence, it think it could be better expressed. This belief leads the villagers to use Mem and Anys as scapegoats to give reason for the Plague. In fact, Anys’ mocking revelation is indicative of the townspeople’s ignorance as they believed that she had “lain with the devil”. Brooks utilises the red dress to display Anys’s fieriness and her sexual independence as a woman as she was able to choose her fate and the men she slept with. This contrasts with the many women’s restrictive thinking,
especially Ahpra who was jealous with Anys because she was free from the burden of following a man’s orders as she was unmarried, unlike Ahpra. Sentence structure could be grammatically improved Brooks demonises the villagers for the death of Mem and Anys
comma here. as they are scapegoats who have paid for the ignorance of mankind and their reluctance of accepting new knowledge because of their fear.
I feel like 'fear' should be changed to something more synonymous with the prompt's keywords. Good paragraph.Religous extremists such as Mompellion are condemned as Brooks believe that total emulation of God can prove to be fatal and will only lead to questioning the purpose of one’s religion.
You could be more direct with your language here. "Brooks condemns religious extremists such as Michael Mompellion, conveying the ways in which total emulation..." Mompellion’s belief that he knows God’s words is a foundation to his downfall. He believes that his wife must atone for her past sins
as he as a “??scale of justice” must weigh her sins with her atonement. This belief that Mompellion alone can decide what must happen to his wife gives him dominance over her as he is the “image of God” on Earth.
This would also be a great opportunity to discuss the condemnation of any patriarchal system from Brook's perspective and how religious fervour has oppressed and [insert really bad words] genders and classes etc. This would also be more analytic than your next sesntence --> Mompellion’s act of emulation in being the all-knowing God has its consequences as he blames God for the death of his beloved wife and for the many deaths that the Plague brings. He attributes these to God and finds him a “poor listener” as many have died. This leads him to a sexual encounter with Anna arguing that because he no longer believes in God, he is “free to do whatever I please”. On the other hand, John Gordon becomes a flagellant and “scourge[ s]” himself because he believes that the Plague occurred because of human sins and in order to atone for it, flagellates himself. In the end, he dies by the river. Brooks does not support the idea that no one can possibly interpret God’s words because he is an omnipotent authority and that total emulation of him or religious extremism can cause dire consequences.
I think you need to be really strong on the prompt. I mean, "sinister" - you can tear this word apart but you've sort of glossed over it. Especially after he bangs Anna - he's a cunt!!!! It's creepy and fucked up - put that in your essay! (not in those words :| :|) and say how his religious fervour has caused this etc. Go deeper. Nice writing. Good knowledge and interpretation but really stick strongly to the prompt as a basis for your analysis. However, compassion arises from religous fervour through the works of Anna, Elinor and Mompellion who make it their duty to care for the Plague sufferers and to raise their morale through the whole encounter with the Plague.
I love the concept of this paragraph, but I would argue with you over Anna's compassion being driven by religious fervour. Possibly Elinor as well. But anyway, this is about what I think (but that might give you something to think about!)Mompellion proposes for quarantine and convinces the villagers that the Plague is a “casket of gold” and a gift from God that must be faced. The act of quarantine itself is considerate
HAHA! Considerate. "Oh, sacrificing themselves was nice of them". Altruistic, maybe? Heroic? I think considerate is underdone. of other villagers as the Plague was contagious and could have affected other cities. Anna and Elinor also help the villagers through their knowledge of medicine and through the symbolism of Anna being the shepherd; she becomes one of the leaders who tend to their needs and to look after them. This is evident in Anna retrieving Merry Wickford’s mine although she was fearful because her husband had died in mine. However, she overcomes her fear and is able to help. Elinor also provides Anna knowledge and in her knowledge groom her to become the town healer and midwife. Brooks portrays that hope in the time of adversity will overcome it as people like Anna, Elinor and Mompellion help the villagers to remain strong and withstand the damages of the Plague.
Stick heavier to how their religious fervour drives their good deed so it isn't all sinister. You write well.Brooks examines religious fervour and contrasts its sinister and amiable side
lack of a comma here. This is one thing I'd say to you - make sure you don't skip commas, you did it more acceptably in the bodies, but you'd really want a comma here.arguing that ignorance and limited knowledge lead people into using others as scapegoats. Total emulation of God and religious extremism is proven to be dangerous as Brooks believes
it's proven by what Brooks believes? it is destructive the faith that they believe in. In contrast, Brooks shapes certain characters to show compassion
driven by religion in times of adversity and uses this to affirm that it is
through knowledge of the world that one better understands the purpose of it. this is a great little philosophical ending, but isn't it sort of contradictory to what you've argued - religious fervour drives goodness as well... what does this have to do with world knowledge?
Strong writing, good knowledge, good analysis but I think could go deeper, think could stick more strongly to the prompt (or more obviously) and more strongly to the arguments held in the topic sentence. Big potential SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG GUYS