Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!

[elysepopplewell]

Taking Jamon's exquisite advice as seen here: https://atarnotes.com/forum/index.php?topic=164657.msg963430#msg963430 I've updated my piece and I thought I'd resubmit it to see if it's any better.

Issues that I can still see:
Final realisation is still too sudden/language is clunky.
Dialogue with the biker is too brief - I opted against having it two-way to save space and to ensure it remained interesting. Not sure if it works.
Not sure if the updated characterisation (second paragraph added) has worked
Might still be too long for me to write out in 40 minutes but I can work on that.
Thanks!

Heya! Happy to take a look at this with fresh eyes after Jamon has given advice the first time around

Spoiler

You wouldn’t have been able to tell Sydney was on the cusp of winter. A light breeze ruffled evergreen leaves, adding little chill to tepid air. The afternoon sun was smiling down, with little care for the fact that it was working unpaid overtime. Its breezy attitude was fabulous for the precise rows of flowerbeds, their occupants swimming drunkenly in sunlight. On the roads sat the houses, waiting patiently for their owners to return for Christmas.

Xavier paced along slowly, taking in his green and blue abode through stray locks of sandy hair. He’s the type of kid you’d look right past at the canteen queue, but he wouldn’t make the mistake of looking past you. Really love this! Eternally inquisitive, he chuffed his teachers until they became fed up of his constant attempts to find discrepancies in the syllabus. Eventually the sleepy state school arranged to offload all five foot four of Xavier to a selective campus for year eleven. WONDERFUL imagery! The wording here is just divine.

He didn’t understand why but the world felt heavier when he walked, especially when the streets were barren. With just the perfect azure sky and the shells of houses – not homes, it was hard not to ponder questions pertaining to some greater meaning. Will there still be people on our little marble in five hundred years? What about a thousand?

While Xavier’s cogs whirred Stan trudged behind him. Like a prisoner’s ball and chain, he was the reason their journey was proceeding at a snail’s pace. Despite having walked this road for as long as his friend, Stan found it eternally compelling. With the knowledge that he had all the time in the world to savour the fragrances, Stan grinned and trailed his snout through a sun-soaked patch of grass that climbed up to tickle his furry underbelly.

Suddenly, Xavier put the grip end of the lead in his mouth. The fake leather smelled like ancient socks and the dog’s fur, so his teeth gripped it firmly, separating it from his tongue. Shielding his eyes with both hands, he turned in a slow circle, scanning the sky blue dome. Today was one of those lucky days where one could see the shadow of the moon hanging out like the shy friend at a party, dwarfed by the exuberance of the sun. Just in front of it stood the wispy moustache of a cloud, a sole survivor of the summery weather. Drifting steadily past the pair was a bird devoid of grace, a jumble of mass that really didn’t belong up there, stubbornly refusing to fall.

Xavier tracked the plane across the Tasman. Why don’t we fear being flung thirty-thousand feet in the air in a thin metal tube?

Hearing chomping, he looked down at Stan and saw the stub of a discarded lamb cutlet poking out of the dog’s mouth a millisecond before it was hastily gobbled up. Innocently, the brown marbles looked up at him, wondering what the holdup was.

Xavier tried to recall how many times he’d wrestled street scraps from Stan’s mouth as a puppy. He couldn’t. But he was sure that the dog knew he wasn’t supposed to eat that bone, as the end of his tail was raised ever so slightly as he trotted off. For Stan, Xavier realised, here and now is what matters.

The lead pulled taut, jerking Xavier out of his daze. The dog was trotting off for a reason – on the other side of the road, a bearded slab of a man emerged from a stained facade. Xavier tried hopelessly to resist – the stranger’s ink-drenched skin and shiny Harley Davidson gave him the impression that he wouldn’t be fond of Stan’s antics.

The biker turned around, alerted by the desperate wheezing Stan was making as he dragged his owner across the road.

Xavier did well to supress his wonder as biker’s menacing demeanour melted – his stubby fingers caressed the dog’s anvil-shaped head fondly. Embarrassingly, Stan decided to lie down, indicating it was time for a belly rub. His new friend obliged, having lowered himself slowly down onto his front step, so Xavier found himself having to start a conversation.

“He reminds me of my dog, Lucy,” the man confided. “I lost her a few months back.”

Stan lay dead still for a few minutes until his best friend got up. “Sorry pup, I’ve got stuff to do.” He looked up at Xavier: “See you ‘round bro.” I've read this over a few times now and I'm confused about the dialogue - I can't work out what's going on? When you say "he looked up," grammatically, you are indicating that Stan is the he. So then I'm not sure iff Xavier is saying both sentences or just one. Either way, you need to start a new line for the dialogue,
 and if the second sentence is said by someone other than Xavier, you need to start a new line for that as well. I'm sorry to be so lost in such a crucial part of the story!

Order was restored as the pair continued walking, soon arriving back home.

Stan halted the procession of narrow legs and looked up the ridge of his snout into his owner’s eyes as the keys jangled on the way out of his pocket. The dog’s tongue continued to hang lazily out the side of black jowls, ready to be plunged eagerly into his familiar water bowl.

Maybe… maybe ignorance really is bliss? Stan takes life for what it is, and he’s happy as can be. He even made a new friend today, enabled by his carefree attitude. Maybe I have something to learn from my four-legged friend…

I think what I like about this story, is firstly, it's simplicity. Jamon commented on this before, but I really do think it is one of the strongest points of the story. Secondly, the way that the characterisation is built from the beginning, so I can understand the significance of Xavier's discovery as prompted by Stan. That's really nice.

What lacks for me is that I don't really understand the engagement with the man on the motorbike. I read your story through three times and tried to perceive him differently each time, but I couldn't quite understand the significance there, and how it relates to the order being restored. I don't think it's your writing that's confusing it (except where that passage of dialogue is), but instead it's just the execution around this general area of the story. At the beginning, the setting was so clear, but when it comes to the people-interactions in the street, it's not so clear anymore. So I have this clear image of Xavier in school, and what the motorbike looks like, but the interactions that happened within just don't quite click for me. If you can explain it in your own words to me what you're trying to achieve, I'll happily give you pointers back to rake it in to the creative we hope for You noted that the final realisation might be a bit sudden, and that's potentially true, but I think it all depends on how this interaction plays out!

Let me know what you think

Thanks so much Elyse really appreciate it! Only issue i have is if the teacher realises its the same core of a story and thinks i have just been lazy and just done the same thing he must just give me 11 again. of course its not an issue if hes not marking 

Hopefully your teacher can view it with fresh eyes. Possibly even let him know in advance that you've been working on it based on his feedback, if you're worried that he might be dismissive in marking! Although for your sake - I hope you're marked fairly!

[Daniyahasan]

Thanks so much Elyse really appreciate it! Only issue i have is if the teacher realises its the same core of a story and thinks i have just been lazy and just done the same thing he must just give me 11 again. of course its not an issue if hes not marking 

using your creative twice shouldnt really be an issue unless your school is fussy like that (im pretty sure the teachers at my school dont even remember your storys even a week later lol)

[elysepopplewell]

WE'VE JUST REACHED 50 FORUM PAGES OF AOS CREATIVE WRITING MARKING! How exciting!

Thank you to everyone who has gone out on a limb and shared their work, for everyone who's dropped by for some inspiration, and a particular thank you to everyone who has offered their advice to another peer. What a great community we have. I'm so smiley

[dancing phalanges]

using your creative twice shouldnt really be an issue unless your school is fussy like that (im pretty sure the teachers at my school dont even remember your storys even a week later lol)

ahha well we find out whos marking tomorrow so fingers crossed its not him. although tbh if hes marking another section he is shocking either way. his feedback ranges from OK to trying to hard to work on a thesis... loves to tell you to work on a thesis even if you have a strong one already aha

[Daniyahasan]

im so excited to get feedback on my creative haha:)

WE'VE JUST REACHED 50 FORUM PAGES OF AOS CREATIVE WRITING MARKING! How exciting!

Thank you to everyone who has gone out on a limb and shared their work, for everyone who's dropped by for some inspiration, and a particular thank you to everyone who has offered their advice to another peer. What a great community we have. I'm so smiley

I think i spend all my free time scrolling through the forums, such a nice community you guys have here:)

Mod Edit: Post merge

[dancing phalanges]

Heya! Happy to take a look at this with fresh eyes after Jamon has given advice the first time around

Spoiler

You wouldn’t have been able to tell Sydney was on the cusp of winter. A light breeze ruffled evergreen leaves, adding little chill to tepid air. The afternoon sun was smiling down, with little care for the fact that it was working unpaid overtime. Its breezy attitude was fabulous for the precise rows of flowerbeds, their occupants swimming drunkenly in sunlight. On the roads sat the houses, waiting patiently for their owners to return for Christmas.

Xavier paced along slowly, taking in his green and blue abode through stray locks of sandy hair. He’s the type of kid you’d look right past at the canteen queue, but he wouldn’t make the mistake of looking past you. Really love this! Eternally inquisitive, he chuffed his teachers until they became fed up of his constant attempts to find discrepancies in the syllabus. Eventually the sleepy state school arranged to offload all five foot four of Xavier to a selective campus for year eleven. WONDERFUL imagery! The wording here is just divine.

He didn’t understand why but the world felt heavier when he walked, especially when the streets were barren. With just the perfect azure sky and the shells of houses – not homes, it was hard not to ponder questions pertaining to some greater meaning. Will there still be people on our little marble in five hundred years? What about a thousand?

While Xavier’s cogs whirred Stan trudged behind him. Like a prisoner’s ball and chain, he was the reason their journey was proceeding at a snail’s pace. Despite having walked this road for as long as his friend, Stan found it eternally compelling. With the knowledge that he had all the time in the world to savour the fragrances, Stan grinned and trailed his snout through a sun-soaked patch of grass that climbed up to tickle his furry underbelly.

Suddenly, Xavier put the grip end of the lead in his mouth. The fake leather smelled like ancient socks and the dog’s fur, so his teeth gripped it firmly, separating it from his tongue. Shielding his eyes with both hands, he turned in a slow circle, scanning the sky blue dome. Today was one of those lucky days where one could see the shadow of the moon hanging out like the shy friend at a party, dwarfed by the exuberance of the sun. Just in front of it stood the wispy moustache of a cloud, a sole survivor of the summery weather. Drifting steadily past the pair was a bird devoid of grace, a jumble of mass that really didn’t belong up there, stubbornly refusing to fall.

Xavier tracked the plane across the Tasman. Why don’t we fear being flung thirty-thousand feet in the air in a thin metal tube?

Hearing chomping, he looked down at Stan and saw the stub of a discarded lamb cutlet poking out of the dog’s mouth a millisecond before it was hastily gobbled up. Innocently, the brown marbles looked up at him, wondering what the holdup was.

Xavier tried to recall how many times he’d wrestled street scraps from Stan’s mouth as a puppy. He couldn’t. But he was sure that the dog knew he wasn’t supposed to eat that bone, as the end of his tail was raised ever so slightly as he trotted off. For Stan, Xavier realised, here and now is what matters.

The lead pulled taut, jerking Xavier out of his daze. The dog was trotting off for a reason – on the other side of the road, a bearded slab of a man emerged from a stained facade. Xavier tried hopelessly to resist – the stranger’s ink-drenched skin and shiny Harley Davidson gave him the impression that he wouldn’t be fond of Stan’s antics.

The biker turned around, alerted by the desperate wheezing Stan was making as he dragged his owner across the road.

Xavier did well to supress his wonder as biker’s menacing demeanour melted – his stubby fingers caressed the dog’s anvil-shaped head fondly. Embarrassingly, Stan decided to lie down, indicating it was time for a belly rub. His new friend obliged, having lowered himself slowly down onto his front step, so Xavier found himself having to start a conversation.

“He reminds me of my dog, Lucy,” the man confided. “I lost her a few months back.”

Stan lay dead still for a few minutes until his best friend got up. “Sorry pup, I’ve got stuff to do.” He looked up at Xavier: “See you ‘round bro.” I've read this over a few times now and I'm confused about the dialogue - I can't work out what's going on? When you say "he looked up," grammatically, you are indicating that Stan is the he. So then I'm not sure iff Xavier is saying both sentences or just one. Either way, you need to start a new line for the dialogue,
 and if the second sentence is said by someone other than Xavier, you need to start a new line for that as well. I'm sorry to be so lost in such a crucial part of the story!

Order was restored as the pair continued walking, soon arriving back home.

Stan halted the procession of narrow legs and looked up the ridge of his snout into his owner’s eyes as the keys jangled on the way out of his pocket. The dog’s tongue continued to hang lazily out the side of black jowls, ready to be plunged eagerly into his familiar water bowl.

Maybe… maybe ignorance really is bliss? Stan takes life for what it is, and he’s happy as can be. He even made a new friend today, enabled by his carefree attitude. Maybe I have something to learn from my four-legged friend…

Spoiler

I think what I like about this story, is firstly, it's simplicity. Jamon commented on this before, but I really do think it is one of the strongest points of the story. Secondly, the way that the characterisation is built from the beginning, so I can understand the significance of Xavier's discovery as prompted by Stan. That's really nice.

What lacks for me is that I don't really understand the engagement with the man on the motorbike. I read your story through three times and tried to perceive him differently each time, but I couldn't quite understand the significance there, and how it relates to the order being restored. I don't think it's your writing that's confusing it (except where that passage of dialogue is), but instead it's just the execution around this general area of the story. At the beginning, the setting was so clear, but when it comes to the people-interactions in the street, it's not so clear anymore. So I have this clear image of Xavier in school, and what the motorbike looks like, but the interactions that happened within just don't quite click for me. If you can explain it in your own words to me what you're trying to achieve, I'll happily give you pointers back to rake it in to the creative we hope for You noted that the final realisation might be a bit sudden, and that's potentially true, but I think it all depends on how this interaction plays out!

Let me know what you think
Hopefully your teacher can view it with fresh eyes. Possibly even let him know in advance that you've been working on it based on his feedback, if you're worried that he might be dismissive in marking! Although for your sake - I hope you're marked fairly!

Hey Elyse, sorry I've just edited my previous post in regards to what part the teacher found melodramatic, if he is the marker I'll ask tomorrow what he thinks I can do to fix it but Ill probably ask either way. 

[elysepopplewell]

Hi!

So I finally racked up 15 posts and here is my creative writing! My teacher had no negative feedback but I still need to cut it down and feel like I can't with my storyline so far  Should I change Jordan to a catalyst in the natural environment? Any feedback would be appreciated 

Thankyou! Annabelle x

Hey Annabelle! Thank you x1010038 for getting your post count up from 15 to 25. We really appreciate this kind of commitment, so thanks for being a star! I'll take a look at this

Spoiler

The crunching sand between my toes awakens my senses. Paving the way to the main event; my steps quicken in anticipation as I behold the great blue force of mother nature beyond. Icy water laps at my feet, but my toes embrace it’s cool touch, never shirking away in betrayal of my heart’s greatest love. All it takes is a single leap into it’s waiting aims as the waves press me forward, almost as if they are whispering, “come closer, closer”,  in response to my daily ritual.

“BANG!” the starter’s gun goes off, and while the young fledglings sprint into the ocean’s depths, wielding the waters as a tool to bring themselves personal glory, I hesitate; knowing it’s beauty is only revealed to those who look deeper, below the smooth surface. Slowly but surely I make my way out and around those obnoxious fluoro buoys, a seeming act of vandalism against the serene horizon. I understand a lot about the way the protagonist feels about the ocean already - how wonderful!

You see the thing is, I was one of them not all that long ago. I craved the feeling of cool gold kissing my neck, and hungered for the next second off my personal best.

It was she who changed me. She who revealed the world to me in a way that I once ignored.

Eyes brimming with excitement she dove in next to me, the grin spreading across her face an unspoken promise to follow her father’s footsteps; this thought however sweet could not cloud my judgement; I had a job to do. Like always, I was there to win; my sole purpose to outswim my competitors and hurtle over that finish line in first position. Muscles tensed from the moment the cool water hit me; a shock to my system, Jordan next to me too over-rating in response to the numbing of all exposed limbs. Turning my eyes forward, a gap in the break soon opened up in our midst. An opportunity too advantageous to miss, “Jordan, follow me!”, I yelled over the pounding waves and splashing bodies; her response inaudible in the chaotic intensity of the race. I knew it was now or never, and rode the current foward to open ocean. Dialogue needs a new line Also, just a typo in forward*

It was go time.

Powerfully I propelled myself forward, the waves pushing me on as I stroked to the head of the front pack. My mind was clearly focused on that end goal, reciting over and over, “I had put in the countless hours, turned my arms those thousands of times in preparation for this one moment”. Nothing was ever going to come between me and that pure glory. Nothing. And of course Jordan knew that too. Or so I thought.

As my breaths started coming fast and hard, I chucked a glance towards my right. Only a endless horizon extended into the midst; to my left only a row of swimmers jostling over those finish line honours.

Panic started to set in, my breaths coming harder and faster, no longer from exertion but parental fear pooling in the bottom of my stomach as I stopped to scull and take in the water around me. Absolutely nothing. The competition, only a few minutes ago so important to me, thrust out of my mind.

I began my frantic scramble back to the beach, head up while I scanned the blue peaks for her telltale purple cap. So many swimmers, so many turning arms and legs oblivious to my distress. I wanted to scream at them, “please help me! Can anyone….. Please!” but I was alone in my silent struggle; my anguish internal as possibilities of her whereabouts streamed like rapids through my mind. I'm finding it hard to comment because I'm sucked in to the commotion!!

Left and right I zig zaged, ducking under and over the water for my Jordan. Minutes, seemingly hours passed with no sign of her, but my search would not cease for even a second as I vowed to cover every centimetre of that ocean floor if it came to it. That reef in the distance? The only unsearched waters I hadn’t ventured seemed unlikely, but in my desperation I had to keep that sliver of hope alive, my swim towards the rocks began without hesitation. At first, nothing; only the sound of squabbling seagulls and splashing fish there to mask that almighty cry threatening to spill out of me; but then a flash of purple in the corner of my eye snagged my attention. Legs and arms now weary, almost trembling in exhaustion; every stroke a struggle as I sprinted in it’s direction. “Its her. it’s her.” I repeated over and over in my mind, convincing myself she was there. No other thought could I face; this phrase all that was keeping me whole.

All of a sudden, that purple cap became a face among the froth.

“Dad!”

Time stopped. My excruciating anguish subsided to relief at the sight of Jordan’s face, that innocent excitement so oblivious to my crippling worry only moments ago. It took every last ounce of energy for me to make it over to her, I soaked in every inch of her face I only minutes ago thought was lost forever. We embraced even as she wriggled to stay afloat, and in response to her confusion over my emotional state; “later Jordan. Later.” Those harsh words and realisations would have to come, but later. Adrenaline was still surging through my system, and for now, an explanation of her whereabouts would suffice.

“I was swimming with you dad, but then you disappeared. I just guessed you were trying win, and I couldn’t keep up, so I swam over here, to the reef” . Eyes turned down, in almost a whisper, “Unless I was with you, I didn’t want to compete…...I saw some dory and nemo fish, some pretty pink coral…………….”

I had zoned out; her words hitting me harder surely than intended. The thought of her racing just to be with me had never crossed my mind, and to see the ocean as more than just forward currents and obstructing waves? But instead appreciate it for it’s beauty and gentle hold. It was a foreign concept, but not one I could not grasp in one look below the surface. Gesturing towards all the vibrant corals extending the length of the ocean floor, fish swimming in schools instinctively following one another; I thought she might be onto something. We spent hours exploring it’s depths, beauty I never imagined existing only a few metres deeper than I cared to look. And seeing the joy on her face; I finally understood her desires not to be like me, but to be with me, her eyes seeing the ocean as something so much more than merely a tool for attaining glory.

It was only then I came to realise winning a meagre race was not a triumph over mankind, but instead an ignorance towards nature, lacking the ability to appreciate it’s power in bringing individuals together, through a shared understanding of it’s infinite beauty. Today however, with this knowledge in hand, it is father and daughter who stroke together; all the while keeping an eye on the ocean floor; the beauty of the briny deep revealed only to those who seek it.

Word Count: 1192

Where to begin! I didn't comment a lot throughout because I was just being taken on a journey with the storyline the entire time! Such a pleasure to be taken through the motions like this, there were intense times and there were calm times. I have to say, I think your story is more complicated than what it needs to be. This isn't to say I think it's too complicated, but I will tell you the most outstanding discovery to me. The relationship with the water was assessed at several stages during the piece and it was really refreshing to look at these as minor discoveries. But also, the relationship between reward in materialism and reward through naturalism. To be engaged in materialism meant that it was about the award, the winner. But then it was discovered that the main winner here was when we could see the ocean in a way that was natural, giving, and rewarding in its own way. The interactions between humans like Jordan actually confused me, I found myself reading those sections twice and then discarding them in my mind in a way, so that I could continue with the narrative about the relationship with the sea. So I suppose this presents you an interesting idea, that you could continue this onwards by refining the interactions between Jordan and the protagonist. Or, you could really rake the story back to the simple story of the relationship with the water, which has a strong enough discovery by itself, and then decide if you want to replace the Jordan-interactions with something else. I'm interested for you to explain to me in words outside of the story what the conflict with Jordan is - and maybe I can suggest a way to embed it so that it serves to support the discoveries that I see strongest, instead of being a kind of distraction from them? But I'm happy for you to discard my reading all together, of course, if you want to stick to your guns with this one But, happy to chat about this to work out a way to better engage the aspects of the plot for a more cohesive story

[_____]

Heya! Happy to take a look at this with fresh eyes after Jamon has given advice the first time around

Spoiler

You wouldn’t have been able to tell Sydney was on the cusp of winter. A light breeze ruffled evergreen leaves, adding little chill to tepid air. The afternoon sun was smiling down, with little care for the fact that it was working unpaid overtime. Its breezy attitude was fabulous for the precise rows of flowerbeds, their occupants swimming drunkenly in sunlight. On the roads sat the houses, waiting patiently for their owners to return for Christmas.

Xavier paced along slowly, taking in his green and blue abode through stray locks of sandy hair. He’s the type of kid you’d look right past at the canteen queue, but he wouldn’t make the mistake of looking past you. Really love this! Eternally inquisitive, he chuffed his teachers until they became fed up of his constant attempts to find discrepancies in the syllabus. Eventually the sleepy state school arranged to offload all five foot four of Xavier to a selective campus for year eleven. WONDERFUL imagery! The wording here is just divine.

He didn’t understand why but the world felt heavier when he walked, especially when the streets were barren. With just the perfect azure sky and the shells of houses – not homes, it was hard not to ponder questions pertaining to some greater meaning. Will there still be people on our little marble in five hundred years? What about a thousand?

While Xavier’s cogs whirred Stan trudged behind him. Like a prisoner’s ball and chain, he was the reason their journey was proceeding at a snail’s pace. Despite having walked this road for as long as his friend, Stan found it eternally compelling. With the knowledge that he had all the time in the world to savour the fragrances, Stan grinned and trailed his snout through a sun-soaked patch of grass that climbed up to tickle his furry underbelly.

Suddenly, Xavier put the grip end of the lead in his mouth. The fake leather smelled like ancient socks and the dog’s fur, so his teeth gripped it firmly, separating it from his tongue. Shielding his eyes with both hands, he turned in a slow circle, scanning the sky blue dome. Today was one of those lucky days where one could see the shadow of the moon hanging out like the shy friend at a party, dwarfed by the exuberance of the sun. Just in front of it stood the wispy moustache of a cloud, a sole survivor of the summery weather. Drifting steadily past the pair was a bird devoid of grace, a jumble of mass that really didn’t belong up there, stubbornly refusing to fall.

Xavier tracked the plane across the Tasman. Why don’t we fear being flung thirty-thousand feet in the air in a thin metal tube?

Hearing chomping, he looked down at Stan and saw the stub of a discarded lamb cutlet poking out of the dog’s mouth a millisecond before it was hastily gobbled up. Innocently, the brown marbles looked up at him, wondering what the holdup was.

Xavier tried to recall how many times he’d wrestled street scraps from Stan’s mouth as a puppy. He couldn’t. But he was sure that the dog knew he wasn’t supposed to eat that bone, as the end of his tail was raised ever so slightly as he trotted off. For Stan, Xavier realised, here and now is what matters.

The lead pulled taut, jerking Xavier out of his daze. The dog was trotting off for a reason – on the other side of the road, a bearded slab of a man emerged from a stained facade. Xavier tried hopelessly to resist – the stranger’s ink-drenched skin and shiny Harley Davidson gave him the impression that he wouldn’t be fond of Stan’s antics.

The biker turned around, alerted by the desperate wheezing Stan was making as he dragged his owner across the road.

Xavier did well to supress his wonder as biker’s menacing demeanour melted – his stubby fingers caressed the dog’s anvil-shaped head fondly. Embarrassingly, Stan decided to lie down, indicating it was time for a belly rub. His new friend obliged, having lowered himself slowly down onto his front step, so Xavier found himself having to start a conversation.

“He reminds me of my dog, Lucy,” the man confided. “I lost her a few months back.”

Stan lay dead still for a few minutes until his best friend got up. “Sorry pup, I’ve got stuff to do.” He looked up at Xavier: “See you ‘round bro.” I've read this over a few times now and I'm confused about the dialogue - I can't work out what's going on? When you say "he looked up," grammatically, you are indicating that Stan is the he. So then I'm not sure iff Xavier is saying both sentences or just one. Either way, you need to start a new line for the dialogue,
 and if the second sentence is said by someone other than Xavier, you need to start a new line for that as well. I'm sorry to be so lost in such a crucial part of the story!

Order was restored as the pair continued walking, soon arriving back home.

Stan halted the procession of narrow legs and looked up the ridge of his snout into his owner’s eyes as the keys jangled on the way out of his pocket. The dog’s tongue continued to hang lazily out the side of black jowls, ready to be plunged eagerly into his familiar water bowl.

Maybe… maybe ignorance really is bliss? Stan takes life for what it is, and he’s happy as can be. He even made a new friend today, enabled by his carefree attitude. Maybe I have something to learn from my four-legged friend…

I think what I like about this story, is firstly, it's simplicity. Jamon commented on this before, but I really do think it is one of the strongest points of the story. Secondly, the way that the characterisation is built from the beginning, so I can understand the significance of Xavier's discovery as prompted by Stan. That's really nice.

What lacks for me is that I don't really understand the engagement with the man on the motorbike. I read your story through three times and tried to perceive him differently each time, but I couldn't quite understand the significance there, and how it relates to the order being restored. I don't think it's your writing that's confusing it (except where that passage of dialogue is), but instead it's just the execution around this general area of the story. At the beginning, the setting was so clear, but when it comes to the people-interactions in the street, it's not so clear anymore. So I have this clear image of Xavier in school, and what the motorbike looks like, but the interactions that happened within just don't quite click for me. If you can explain it in your own words to me what you're trying to achieve, I'll happily give you pointers back to rake it in to the creative we hope for You noted that the final realisation might be a bit sudden, and that's potentially true, but I think it all depends on how this interaction plays out!

Let me know what you think

Thanks a bunch.

Shows how helpful it is to have a second pair of eyes to spot stuff that a marker might be confused by! That dialogue is supposed to be the biker talking - in my head I didn't spot anything wrong with it.

Stan lay dead still for a few minutes until his best friend got up. “Sorry pup, I’ve got stuff to do.” He looked up at Xavier: “See you ‘round bro.” I've read this over a few times now and I'm confused about the dialogue - I can't work out what's going on? When you say "he looked up," grammatically, you are indicating that Stan is the he. So then I'm not sure iff Xavier is saying both sentences or just one. Either way, you need to start a new line for the dialogue,
 and if the second sentence is said by someone other than Xavier, you need to start a new line for that as well. I'm sorry to be so lost in such a crucial part of the story!

In my mind, "...until his best friend got up" indicated possession of the biker for the forthcoming dialogue. And then "He looked up at Xavier" continues it for the next sentence. Stan walks to man > man strokes dog > Xavier strikes up a conversation (but whatever he says is omitted) > some of the biker's reply is included. I think I need to be clearer. Is the following the correct way regarding formatting?

Stan lay dead still for a few minutes until his best friend got up.

“Sorry pup, I’ve got stuff to do.” He looked up at Xavier: “See you ‘round bro.”

I'm kind of trying to avoid something super boring like "The man/biker said:" but I suppose it's more important to be clear. I think this is where the confusion begins:

His new friend obliged, having lowered himself slowly down onto his front step, so Xavier found himself having to start a conversation.

“He reminds me of my dog, Lucy,” the man confided. “I lost her a few months back.”

Narrator mentions Xavier beginning a conversation and then the other guy's dialogue begins. Is that confusing as well?


Regarding the meeting, I'll explain what I'm trying to do as its meaning has probably been lost in that abhorrent dialogue. As Jamon suggested, the discovery needed (from the first draft) to be drawn out a bit, with a more significant catalyst. So Stan sees the biker and runs off to him, wanting a hug. Xavier doesn't want to, because he thinks the biker's a bit intimidating and/or he won't like Stan. But, to his "wonder" (rubric term!!11!1!) the guy spends a few minutes stroking Stan, having had a dog himself. Xavier realises that Stan's carefree attitude (juxtapositioned with his analytical mindset/tendency to consider everything really deeply) enables him to live happily. This is what the last lines are trying to say but it's too blunt and could be more delicate. The "order was restored" line was supposed to highlight the significance of the fact Stan had stopped walking (and started again after they set off again), not something related explicitly to the final discovery/realisation.

[elysepopplewell]

Hi all - I have the following on this board as yet to receive marking:
-Danitabasan
-Georgiia
-Winstondarmavan
-Beau77bro

You've asked how long to expect before these get marked, and I'm hoping to declare we'll be able to get to these by tomorrow evening (I'm making a trip to the library for a marking spree before I start Uni on Wednesday so anything that doesn't get done tonight - tomorrow!) but otherwise, by Wednesday evening for those who have already posted on this thread, at the latest I imagine. Hopefully this helps you work out a bit of a study plan in the mean time

[Daniyahasan]

Hi all - I have the following on this board as yet to receive marking:
-Danitabasan
-Georgiia
-Winstondarmavan
-Beau77bro

You've asked how long to expect before these get marked, and I'm hoping to declare we'll be able to get to these by tomorrow evening (I'm making a trip to the library for a marking spree before I start Uni on Wednesday so anything that doesn't get done tonight - tomorrow!) but otherwise, by Wednesday evening for those who have already posted on this thread, at the latest I imagine. Hopefully this helps you work out a bit of a study plan in the mean time

ohh thanks Elyse!

[georgiia]

Hi all - I have the following on this board as yet to receive marking:
-Danitabasan
-Georgiia
-Winstondarmavan
-Beau77bro

You've asked how long to expect before these get marked, and I'm hoping to declare we'll be able to get to these by tomorrow evening (I'm making a trip to the library for a marking spree before I start Uni on Wednesday so anything that doesn't get done tonight - tomorrow!) but otherwise, by Wednesday evening for those who have already posted on this thread, at the latest I imagine. Hopefully this helps you work out a bit of a study plan in the mean time

Thank You so much Elyse!
Not sure if this is the right thread for this question but I'm wondering what are some ways that I can learn my creative between now and next week? Aside from adapting it to stimuli and recording myself? Do you recommend any websites that'll turn it into a close passage sort of thing or other websites that turn text into a memorising sort of thing?

Thanks!!

[Daniyahasan]

Thank You so much Elyse!
Not sure if this is the right thread for this question but I'm wondering what are some ways that I can learn my creative between now and next week? Aside from adapting it to stimuli and recording myself? Do you recommend any websites that'll turn it into a close passage sort of thing or other websites that turn text into a memorising sort of thing?

Thanks!!

wthh this is such a good idea to memorise!
i used to sit there the night before trying to memorise para by para
im actually so grateful for you to mention that close passage idea, thank youuuuu

[dancing phalanges]

Thank You so much Elyse!
Not sure if this is the right thread for this question but I'm wondering what are some ways that I can learn my creative between now and next week? Aside from adapting it to stimuli and recording myself? Do you recommend any websites that'll turn it into a close passage sort of thing or other websites that turn text into a memorising sort of thing?

Thanks!!

I personally have the weirdest method that I came up with and it works 100% for every essay I memorise. I can't just memorise essays by look, cover, saying out loud and checking and it is in my opinion, a waste of time to right paragraph after paragraph out in full until it sinks in, you can do that a couple of times though. My method is a mixture of the two:
I read the 1st sentence, and then memorise it in my head and write the first letters of each word on the paper. So if the sentence was: Both Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World and Malala Yousafzai’s speech to the UN Youth Takeover explore through representation the impacts of individual defiance against repressive governments... I write it out like this: BAHBNWAMYSTUYTETRTIOIDARG... I know it is completely bizarre but it sticks in my head because it combines thinking out loud and not writing but moreso just the action of writing. Then i do next sentence, then next sentence, then put all 3 together and keep going until the essay is done. Now in saying all of this this is a weird special method for me that works 100% but it does for me and may not for you, and btw i dont go into exams and go oh i remember that sentence its... GHDJEBDK i acutally have the sentences in my head because of my method haha but anyway if this is too weird for you elyse posted a great thread on this exact topic here: https://atarnotes.com/memorising-english-essays/

[georgiia]

I personally have the weirdest method that I came up with and it works 100% for every essay I memorise. I can't just memorise essays by look, cover, saying out loud and checking and it is in my opinion, a waste of time to right paragraph after paragraph out in full until it sinks in, you can do that a couple of times though. My method is a mixture of the two:
I read the 1st sentence, and then memorise it in my head and write the first letters of each word on the paper. So if the sentence was: Both Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World and Malala Yousafzai’s speech to the UN Youth Takeover explore through representation the impacts of individual defiance against repressive governments... I write it out like this: BAHBNWAMYSTUYTETRTIOIDARG... I know it is completely bizarre but it sticks in my head because it combines thinking out loud and not writing but moreso just the action of writing. Then i do next sentence, then next sentence, then put all 3 together and keep going until the essay is done. Now in saying all of this this is a weird special method for me that works 100% but it does for me and may not for you, and btw i dont go into exams and go oh i remember that sentence its... GHDJEBDK i acutally have the sentences in my head because of my method haha but anyway if this is too weird for you elyse posted a great thread on this exact topic here: https://atarnotes.com/memorising-english-essays/

OMGG You GENISU!! That sounds like exactly the kind of thing that'd work for me!! Thank you!
I'm not the biggest fan of memorising, like AT ALL but for my creative I think this'd work so I'll try it.

[dancing phalanges]

OMGG You GENISU!! That sounds like exactly the kind of thing that'd work for me!! Thank you!
I'm not the biggest fan of memorising, like AT ALL but for my creative I think this'd work so I'll try it.

ahah good luck, don't do it in public though, people give you weird looks haha