Poet's Well-being Journal

[Poet]

Just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no rule against continuing to post here after VCE.
So long as you still have things you want to say (whether or not you call it a journal), I think there will continue to be people who want to read them.

I think your teacher was right to tell you to take a little break.
It does sound you've got a lot to make an already stressful time worse, and I'm sorry to hear it.
Hope this week goes better.

Thanks, Turin. I'll be closing this one, I think - it's a bit like a VCE journal, and a drastic change such as leaving school calls for a new thread. So I may start a new one for my new chapter in life, may not. But it is encouraging to see that people read what I write and relate to it.

I'm glad that you've been able to find moments of joy, make some progress on your eating goals, and that you're going back to your psych.
I keep procrastinating seeing a counsellor and it's probably not the best

VCE as often talked about as everyone being in the same boat, but I think it's more accurate to say that everyone is travelling down the same river.

Hi, mini - just wanted to say you are one of the sweetest people I know, and your advice (and really great metaphors) are always useful. The encouragement definitely comforts me, so thank you for that.

This is my song of the day, send help

Well hi kids, hope you children are enjoying the fleeting rays of pure vitamin D that’ve been flitting about lately, eating your vegetables and helping old ladies across the street. I sure have (not really, but I got to see a doggo the other day).
That means it’s probably time for an update.

Fun fact: if you were born on October 5th, you were born on the most common day for, well, births, in the year. Another fun fact, being born on October 5th typically means you were conceived on New Year’s Eve. I know it’s not October right now, but not long to go! :-[

So basically my brain’s a mess, I’m scared, I don’t wanna but I gotta and everything in me is screaming ‘THINK OF ALL THE RANDOM FACTS YOU KNOW INSTEAD OF THAT LEGAL STUDIES PRACTICE SAC AND OH LOOK A VINE QUICK CLICK ON THAT AND HEY I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU STILL HATE YOURSELF’.
I tend to revert to humour in these times of strife, so pls excuse what seems like inconsiderate banter, I’m actually sad :,)

Anyway that’s all for now, I can't think, sorry for being useless (still), love you guys bye <3 <3

[PhoenixxFire]

Well hi kids, hope you children are enjoying the fleeting rays of pure vitamin D that’ve been flitting about lately, eating your vegetables and helping old ladies across the street. I sure have (not really, but I got to see a doggo the other day).
That means it’s probably time for an update.

Fun fact: if you were born on October 5th, you were born on the most common day for, well, births, in the year. Another fun fact, being born on October 5th typically means you were conceived on New Year’s Eve. I know it’s not October right now, but not long to go!

So basically my brain’s a mess, I’m scared, I don’t wanna but I gotta and everything in me is screaming ‘THINK OF ALL THE RANDOM FACTS YOU KNOW INSTEAD OF THAT LEGAL STUDIES PRACTICE SAC AND OH LOOK A VINE QUICK CLICK ON THAT AND HEY I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU STILL HATE YOURSELF’.
I tend to revert to humour in these times of strife, so pls excuse what seems like inconsiderate banter, I’m actually sad :,)

Anyway that’s all for now, I can't think, sorry for being useless (still), love you guys bye <3 <3

I still revert to memes rather than words, so excuse the very poor spelling and grammar in this

Spoiler

[Poet]

Warning: sensitive entry. It goes downhill pretty damn quick lel

Hi everyone. Hope it’s been a decent holiday so far
Mine’s been pretty neat. Plenty of study, practice exams, summaries, revision, a party or two, lectures and more study. Went for a nice 7km hike up in the Dandenong Ranges on Saturday – just some time to breathe in the cool, fresh air of the forest and calm myself. Saw a lyrebird, I’ll have to get the photos off my mom, she was digging around for bugs right next to the path! Always a beautiful sight, seeing an elusive bird like that. It makes everything else just… disappear for a little while. The embodiment of wonder.

However, I’ve found myself slipping into depression again. I was at a party Saturday night and my misery led me to drink more than I should have, to the point where I was just slightly inebriated. Funnily enough, I’m a depressed drunk, so it just made it ten times worse. I could feel myself sinking so sat alone for a while, thinking about the awful ways I could die that night with a grim satisfaction, trying to decide on my preferred method in the middle of a vineyard at night. Then a little girl ran up to me and gave me a little bunch of flowers, then told me all about her headband and her cousin over there and how sweet nectar is. I told her about how bees and butterflies help flowers turn into fruit, and that definitely cheered me up a bit, seeing the excitement when she saw the pollen on the flower’s stigma and knew what is was for.

Stopped drinking so much so the effects wore off as the night wore on, and ended up chatting with a nice guy. But as soon as he put his arms around me I started shaking, and I couldn’t stop. The voices I’ve been pushing out of my head with medication and therapy started screaming at me again, back in full force. Telling me it was dangerous. Telling me I didn’t deserve it. Telling me that someone as worthless as myself didn’t deserve this attention, that I should push him away, insult him, fight him, somehow get him away from me even though the rest of me just wanted to be in the moment and relate with someone who could understand me.

I want to be able to be me. I want to live in the moment and feel like I can be appreciated without consequence. Start living like a human being, without the feeling of constant judgement. I strain to put the past behind me, but it still hurts, rising like the Dark Mark every single damn time I feel like, just maybe, someone will love me. I remind myself that I don’t deserve it, or somehow convince myself it will only end in hurt again. And I know it’s not true, but I still never have the strength to fight the instinct to turn away and run. Not everyone is out to get me, or there purely to take advantage of my body, and my innocence. Not everyone is like those in my past. The worst part was I thought I was getting better. But pushing things to the back of your mind isn’t getting better, it’s letting the negativity fester, and grow, and take over again.

So, I’m sinking. I’m not eating right now. I’m scared. And I’m angry. Both at myself for this unending cycle, and at those who created the cycle in the first place. My parents, for bringing me into this world. The people who hurt me. And myself. Spiral, spiral, spiral.
I think it’s time for another psych visit.

Song: Austin Blue – Inconsequential

[Bri MT]

biology and a Harry Potter reference in your last entry? too relatable.


Seeing a lyrebird is amazing - I'm glad you had that experience.

For me, I know that running off into the trees of a state/national park and being alone is one of the more restorative things I can do. I hope that your hike helped you as much as they sometimes help me (even if you don't have the luxury of being on your own).


I can only have a very limited understanding of what your headspace is and how you have been/are being impacted by your experiences but my guess is that you have been getting better and now you've hit a dip again. Please remember that your perception of your self is likely to be more negative than reality because of where you are at the moment. We believe in you. We're grateful for you. And we'll keep supporting you as best we can.


Knowing it's not true is a step.

I've been told for what feels like my whole life that I "need to just move on/let go" and that I'm bad at that (and I haven't even dealt with anything *that bad*); I don't feel like I'm capable of giving advice on putting the past behind you. But overtime you can learn to carry even the experiences that seem to never go away differently.

The cycle becomes a spiral with an out, and since seeing a psychologist has a good chance of helping you on that journey I hope that you do get that support.


Best of luck, my friend

[Poet]

Hi allllll
Oh boy, hmm, okay, life. Let’s see… I’ll make it a picture.

She sits in the corner humming to Songbird by Fleetwood Mac in her flannel shirt and Batman-themed pajama shorts, her hair straggly and unbrushed, her face makeup-free and dismal. A Word document stays stubbornly unloaded and so, struggling over yet another practice exam, she flies back to the beginning of these holidays, and wonders what she should write.

She begins with the holiday classes, remembering the small liberation of a weekend, breathing space before diving into a full English trial exam. The storm never seems to wane, a blizzard of papers and stinging mistakes. She makes the same blunders over and over again, sure it’s right this time, yet somehow inexplicably wrong. Always wrong, over and over, as she finds the definition of insanity. But anxiety acts as a blindfold, and she continues to stumble as the time slips through her fingers. She has a crown, built of fragile hourglasses, trickling towards the unknown. Sitting in her chair, she feels the time as a physical weight on her skull, shifting even in her efforts to tip it the other way. Her stillness only serves to exaggerate the inexorable march of destiny.

Will be drawing that picture, I think.

I thought I had time.
I don’t.
Not saying I haven’t used the time I had (I’ve worked damn hard) but now the finality is really hitting me. It’s here. Next week is my last week of school, ever. Three, four weeks after that, and I’m free. But I’m still scared. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s just going ‘round and ‘round in my mind. ‘It’s over, no more chances, you’d better live up to expectations, you’d better work it out, or else you’re just proving your worthlessness. Your sister did well, so there’s no excuse for you. How dare you think you can do this’. EEERGH YEAR 12 WHY. I keep switching between amusement, apathy and blinding panic, and I’m getting tired of it. I couldn’t sleep until 4AM this morning; too tired to even finish a book or draw, just lying staring at the ceiling, worrying about WASTED TIME, and I think I might start taking my sleeping pills.

Been much better with physical contact lately, though. It’s probably just a need for a stable place, but I’ve been kind of cuddly haha – nice change, but also not nice because it’s just another reaction to stress. Oh well. I hung out with the chickens again today – visited my psych a few days ago. Doing all I can to look after myself, others and my workload at the same time. But I’m still low, and I honestly just want hugs right now haha, bye guys love you all; thanks for being so nice.
Love you.
Especially you. Yes, you.
You're a cool bean. :3

[Bri MT]

Doing all I can to look after myself, others and my workload at the same time.

No one has any right to ask more than that of you,  including yourself
<3

There's this lie we're implicitly told about year 12, that your ATAR somehow reflects your value but it doesn't. It never has;  it never will. Unfortunately many of us only realise this weeks and weeks after year 12 is over.
I wish I knew how to give that understanding and save you from the stress but I don't.  What I do know is that you'll get through this,  and eventually it'll just be a story.

Long story,  but I worked really hard and stressed myself out a lot for no material gain.  I don't really regret it but I had a goal I was desperate to achieve and I kind of got it but it didn't mean what I thought it did

[sweetiepi]

Been much better with physical contact lately, though. It’s probably just a need for a stable place, but I’ve been kind of cuddly haha – nice change, but also not nice because it’s just another reaction to stress. Oh well. I hung out with the chickens again today – visited my psych a few days ago. Doing all I can to look after myself, others and my workload at the same time. But I’m still low, and I honestly just want hugs right now haha, bye guys love you all; thanks for being so nice.
Love you.
Especially you. Yes, you.
You're a cool bean. :3

I understand how stress can make you feel kinda cuddly- that's me on the regular. Although cuddles and hugs can trigger the Oxytocin hormone- which I think is pretty cool nifty anyways!
It'll all be okay <3

You're the cool bean. Don't you forget it!

[tomatosauce]

Here's that hug you need! 🤗 You are almost there... don't stop yet!

‘It’s over, no more chances, you’d better live up to expectations, you’d better work it out, or else you’re just proving your worthlessness. Your sister did well, so there’s no excuse for you. How dare you think you can do this’.

Don't go there... you can only do as much as you can... I once read this - "perfection isn't possible, but strive for it and you can achieve excellence!" Don't let people's expectations weigh you down... you're you, NOT your sister!

you might not want to read this mini rant!

Believe me I know about this... I have a 13 months-younger-than-me sister who is better than me at EVERYTHING! She's beautiful, attracts people, sporty, smart, musical, artistic... the list goes on!

Poet... you are an amazing person, focus on what you can control and try to stop stressing about what you can't! We're here for you! 🤗

P.S. your descriptive writing is AMAZING!

Spoiler

Let’s see… I’ll make it a picture.

She sits in the corner humming to Songbird by Fleetwood Mac in her flannel shirt and Batman-themed pajama shorts, her hair straggly and unbrushed, her face makeup-free and dismal. A Word document stays stubbornly unloaded and so, struggling over yet another practice exam, she flies back to the beginning of these holidays, and wonders what she should write.

She begins with the holiday classes, remembering the small liberation of a weekend, breathing space before diving into a full English trial exam. The storm never seems to wane, a blizzard of papers and stinging mistakes. She makes the same blunders over and over again, sure it’s right this time, yet somehow inexplicably wrong. Always wrong, over and over, as she finds the definition of insanity. But anxiety acts as a blindfold, and she continues to stumble as the time slips through her fingers. She has a crown, built of fragile hourglasses, trickling towards the unknown. Sitting in her chair, she feels the time as a physical weight on her skull, shifting even in her efforts to tip it the other way. Her stillness only serves to exaggerate the inexorable march of destiny.

[hums_student]

Hey Poet! Just want to echo tomatosauce's point above, don't let yourself feel dictated by other people's expectations. They don't know you nearly as well as you do, and anyway, it's your life after all, so live it for yourself, not others. Especially when it comes to family, I guess it's so easy for us to feel entrapped in trying to live up to the achievements of our siblings, because 'hey, you've got the same surname, so you must have the same strenghths and weaknesses amirite?'   But it's ok, you guys are two different people after all, you're an individual, not your sister's shadow. You have your own strengths, like writing for example (that first two paragraphs are AMAZING!).

Got my own little rant too lol

I totally understand when you say you're expected to do as well as your sister. I've got a twin sister who got a raw 47 in methods when we were in year 10, when I still didn't know what the heck VCE was. She's aiming for a 99.95 while I'd be happy to get above 80. She's got her life planned to the age of 35 while I'm still hesitant about university. At school I'm better known as 'the maths genius's brother'. At least twice a day I think to myself 'why did I miss out on the smart genes'. But I guess in the end you just gotta accept it, and learn how to develop your own strengths.

To quote some random cheesy quote I found on the internet, it's not about being dealt a bad hand, it's about being dealt a bad hand but still winning the game.

Hang in there! I'm rooting for you

[Vaike]

Not saying I haven’t used the time I had (I’ve worked damn hard) but now the finality is really hitting me. It’s here. Next week is my last week of school, ever. Three, four weeks after that, and I’m free. But I’m still scared. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s just going ‘round and ‘round in my mind.

Poet! I felt exactly the same way last year; I was irrationally scared for it all to come to an end. But as miniturtle already said, eventually it'll be just a story. You're so close to the end now, keep pushing through. I know personally I was able to cope with the pressure a little bit better when I began to think more about what I wanted and where I wanted to be, maybe such a focus might help you too. Over the next few weeks please take the time to look after yourself as the others have already said, and I'm sure you'll get out the other side a-okay You've got this.

[Poet]

Hi kids, welcome back to the hit show “I Ducked It Up Again”!

I don’t think I’ve ever been more in love with a book than I am with ATAR Notes’ complete course notes on Further Mathematics… that is to say, I hate maths with a passion, but this book is my survival guide and I cannot thank Susanne Kitching and Brady Price enough. (Also Jack. Definitely also Jack. If I manage to get above a 30 in maths I am marrying you and you can’t stop me.)

So before this becomes a VCE Journey Journal I’m going to say the reason I’m here is because I’m not feeling too well. I’ve been struggling for a bit, but Wednesday night was devastating and I missed school yesterday because of it (first time this year). Ironically, I was in a really dark place on Mental Health Day, so that’s kind of funny? But not.
Umm, I’m not sure if it’s the stress of school or whatever, but right now it’s been really difficult, and very, very black in my head. I’m doing my best to push through, though. Mucking about on games threads and exercising my new power as mod ( ) has been a great distraction! technodisney’s been sure to hug me and encourage me at school, too. And reading your encouragement is a huge help with that as well. I’ve been meaning to PM you all separately, so if you haven’t gotten a ‘thank you’ yet it’s coming, because you’re genuinely appreciated for being such a positive community.

Anyway, I’ve managed to plough through two Legal exams, a PE exam and another maths exam. I’ve also been reading up on English stuff, so I’ll be writing a TR and a language analysis soon, even though I need to work on my comparative writing (I hate comparatives, too). Just working on distracting myself and taking my meds and seeing my psych and laughing and making sure I’m not alone for long periods of time, so I won’t get stuck in the spirals of my messed-up head. Baby steps are still steps, right?

Keep going, keep fighting, keep climbing.
Love you all. <3

[jazcstuart]

Poet,
I've been reading you journal for a little while now and I just wanted to say you are honestly one of the most inspiring people I know (and i don't even know you very well). I am constantly amazed at the way you remain hopeful and encouraging despite your struggles, and the way you are always thinking about others even when you have every right to be putting yourself first. I'm sure I don't understand half of what you are going through, but your strength and determination comes through in every post you make.

I just wanted you to know that you inspire me and I'm sure many others, and you spread so much love. Everyone on Atarnotes is supporting you, and it wouldn't be the same without you <3

[S200]

I can't do anything but echo Jazcstuart, and you already know that this journal is an insight for me
Just gonna say that it's the climb Poet, so keep working at it till you get that view that you deserve from the top!

Edit; ALTHOUGH I'm kinda Jealous that you got 5 squares b4 I did!   :) ;)

[Owlbird83]

Hi Poet!
I really admire how you can express your thoughts and feelings in writing so well, and your amazing resilience. I just want to say I am another person supporting you and good luck! 

p.s. I love your new profile picture!

[Poet]

Thank you for the compliments on my new DP people hahaha I’m so embarrassed.

(Currently sitting in a cinema waiting for Venom to come on and im using the free WiFi for AN lol what relationship goals)

Just a short update. I was Elsa today. Then I was a year 12 with a water gun. Then I was a girl on the beach. Now I’m a girl sitting in the cinema foyer. And soon I’ll be a girl on SWOTVAC.. I’m scared but okay with it. Today’s been a good day, and I’m happy with my life.

That’s it. Love you all.