Poet's Well-being Journal

[Poet]

Hey, guys?

I love you. So, so much.
I love you, irrespective of who you are.
I love you because you're here, and open.
I love you for your heart as it is now.
I love you, for all those times you might not feel loved.
I love you because you're another precious life. Someone unique, someone beautiful, and someone deserving of love.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Please remember that.

[technodisney]

Hey, guys?

I love you. So, so much.
I love you, irrespective of who you are.
I love you because you're here, and open.
I love you for your heart as it is now.
I love you, for all those times you might not feel loved.
I love you because you're another precious life. Someone unique, someone beautiful, and someone deserving of love.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Please remember that.

Hey, Nina?
I think I am speaking on behalf of everyone on AN.
Even though you may not believe it

We love you. So, so much.
We love you, irrespective of who you are.
We love you because you're here, and open.
We love you for your heart as it is now.
We love you, for all those times you might not feel loved.
We love you because you're another precious life. Someone unique, someone beautiful, and someone deserving of love.

We love you, We love you, We love you.

Please remember that.

[Poet]

(I swear in this one so this is rated M okay)

I had a summer breakfast this morning. Orange, banana (for once; sometimes I like it and sometimes I really don’t) and my first mango of the season. I chopped them all up, mixed them together and placed them in a bowl. I sprinkled desiccated coconut on the top, sat down in the sun, and looked at the world around me. There was a particular quiet, something rare in a house of seven. An absence of life. I sat, the birds pecking greedily at their seed, my sweet little feline companion sprawled in a large patch of warmth, catatonic.
And I just breathed.
I looked up to the clouds, and the cobalt blue of the Australian sky, and did what all of us do to survive. We take in oxygen, feel it enter our lungs and spread, the mechanical pump of our hearts beating rhythmically. We breathe out, exhaling the unused and the waste. Expelling. Then inhaling, and doing it again. And I wondered how a living creature could hold a soul, and a conscience. We feel it in our chests, but it couldn’t be there, because we’d breathe it out and lose it. Our bodies are machines, but also houses. Where does consciousness come from? Why does it leave? A miracle of muscle and blood, of cones and rods, of songs and silence, of weakness and strength. Mostly blood. Mostly cones. Mostly silence.
Mostly weakness.

So I looked at the sky, and the trees, and the grass, and reached out a hand to touch the clouds above me. Of course, I failed to touch the clouds. They, like dreams, fly far above and out of reach. They run from me in a never-ending wind, carrying with them shade and rain. Respite from the heat of summer. So instead, I sit with a bowl of the dying and dead, wishing I could follow the clouds. Wishing I could know how to reach my consciousness and push it away for a little longer, just to leave me to sleep. Just keep me away from reality a little longer.

I didn’t finish the PE exam. I panicked and messed up the one thing I could have done well on. And that voice, that consciousness living in me for a while, pushes me to the brink. Yells at me again, and again. I messed up. I am a mess-up. I can try all I like, but I’ll never live up to the person I wish I could be. I don’t want to wake up to hear it again. But I do. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

One left. One left, then find another goal. One left, and you can decide whether you really want to go to uni. Whether you want to set yourself up for failure again. Try, and try, and try. Wake up and fight.
Three more days.

I wish I could open up my head and let the sunshine warm my mind, not just my skin.

Love you all.

[Bri MT]

You had a shot at something that you've placed a lot of pressure on yourself for, after combating prolonged high stress and struggling with exhaustion.  That's not shameful;  it's empowering.

We see the clouds in the sky and celebrate the dense collections of water vapour without stopping to acknowledge that we release water vapour in each breath.  Whether we wade through clouds as fog,  see them below us from the heights of mountains,  or look up at them, we are just as interconnected in the cycling of water - that amazing substance which we carry with us wherever we go.  No matter how far they may seem,  you're linked to your dreams - and they are linked to you.


I'm glad you got outside and had brekky <3

[turinturambar]

Once again, your words are beautifully poetic (you don't keep that secret well ), though the reality you present is difficult.  Hang in there!

[Poet]

Save me from curious Conscience, that still lords
Its strength for darkness, burrowing like a mole;
Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,
And seal the hushed Casket of my Soul.
- “To Sleep”, John Keats, 1816.

Unlike Keats, I can’t escape sadness in sleep. But tomorrow I will be free to pursue both sleep and the happiness I lack.
I’m meeting with my psychiatrist next week, so I’ll be in hospital again as they assess me. Hopefully I won’t be kept in, but if I do badly on Legal I’m not sure if I’ll be in a frame of mind where I can be alone for too long. It can be kind of bewildering as to why I hate myself like I do. It’s bewildering to me, not just others. And frustrating. Apparently, it’s messed up brain signals. It doesn’t feel like that to me, but I trust the science that can help me.

You know, Keats died young. Very young, of tuberculosis. He was gone before his time. And yet, his art is remembered as some of the greatest in history. His words influence our lives 200 years from when they were written. Imagine if he lived a normal life – how much more would he have achieved? Is it foolish, for me to look up to him? To wish I could influence the world as he did? I don’t know. I guess I want to be a positive influence on the world around me; but how am I meant to do that when I myself am a negative? That’s a stupid thing to think, but I guess I’m tired of trying to take baby steps. I just keep slipping. But I’m at a loss as to taking bigger steps.

Anyway. The fires in the US right now are burning down our friend’s homes. Refugees are running with no hope of respite. The rainforests die at a rate of 9 hectares a minute. My kitty and my mother and my dearest friends are going to die one day and there’s nothing I can do about it. Terrorist attacks, stabbings, and murders continue. Domestic abuse is prolific. Another Ebola outbreak. Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians between 15 and 34 years old. Depression affects one in four at some point in life. International government tension ignores the common people’s needs. Cancer and divorce rates rise, along with the seas. It just… hurts. Watching the world fall to pieces faster than ever. And still, we manage to dream. Laugh. Love. Bring children into a world we’re leaving in ruins. Pretend everything is okay, and ignore the wounds if they don’t affect us personally, even if those hurting have no-one to help stop the bleeding.

I want my steps to mean something now. I want to be able to take the hurt, and hold people close in their suffering. I want to give others something to live for, because I personally can’t see it. I hope that’s not selfish.

So now I'm sitting here with a cup of wine and a certain weakness in my soul. tbh cheap pinot grigio tastes like piss but if it's enough to get me to stop thinking I'll use it. Bad habit. I shouldn't do that.

[Bri MT]

AN might not be the world but you're already being a positive presence here - not just in my life but in the lives of many others too

Stats are hard. To me, I look at the increasing divorce rate and go "maybe more people are feeling empowered to leave situations that were unhealthy for them". The reported rates of domestic violence increase after awareness campaigns as more people feel empowered to seek help and recognise that what they have been coping with isn't right  (I have read & heard this from reputable sources but I don't have links on hand rn). There are significant challenges out there in the world, and people who have been through so much more than they ever should have had to face - but there are also people banding together to push change for the better.

What I hear from you is altruism, not selfishness. And I'll remind you of that until you keep it in your view.


My friend, I hope that the end of exams beings you respite

[S200]

So now I'm sitting here with a cup of wine and a certain weakness in my soul. tbh cheap pinot grigio tastes like piss but if it's enough to get me to stop thinking I'll use it. Bad habit. I shouldn't do that.

Miniturtle has nailed what she said, so I can't add to that...
But seriously, ya should try this over the Pinot...

Grab this with a pizza and everything is better...

*absolutely hurls love and support towards Poet*

[Erutepa]

Maybe this may brighten your mood about the worlds issues:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVimVzgtD6w

[Poet]

So…
I made it. I guess.
Pretty cool, really. And all the sweeter because it was such a struggle.
I… still feel really numb. My family were celebrating last night and I just kind of sat there with a fake smile plastered onto my face. Then I went to my room and picked up my books, and almost started working again before I realized that it was over. I’d finally gotten over that high jump bar I hit again, and again, and again. Behind me now sit piles of trees, hundreds of thousands of words, all of it lost. I’m lighting them on fire and watching 13 years of my life burn. I wonder what comes next.

Cleaned my room today. Baked a little yesterday. Got a drawing tablet, too. Here’s my first trial with one. Like, ever, because although I’ve wanted one for ages I thought it’s be a bad idea to muck around in VCE haha. I don’t have PS or Sumo or other pro art programs yet, so I’ve been playing around with Microsoft Sketchbook. Just a quick trial; I did this goldfish in about 20 minutes. But oh man, this pro 2 Wacom pen and tablet are fantastic. Can’t wait to refine my style and see if I can get people to pay for my stuff haha

Spoiler

Anyway, my VCE journey is over, I guess. But this isn’t a VCE journey journal, it’s a life journal. So I’ll be writing in this thread until the new year. As of now, I wish you all the best, whether you finished HSC a while ago or you’re still reeling from VCE, if you’re a uni student or a free soul. You guys helped me get here.
I made it, but only with your help.

I love you all. Lots.

[K888]

Congrats on finishing your exams, poet! Use this time now to recharge your batteries - be gentle to yourself

[appleandbee]

Huge congrats

[kauac]

What better way to relax and recuperate than releasing some of those creative juices.  Big congratulations, what an awesome milestone to reach, Poet! P.S I love the goldfish, it's adorable. 

[Calebark]

Enjoy your bludge time -- it must feel great! Holy shit tho, I can't even draw something like that on paper, that's superb. Keen to see more of your tablet work

[sweetiepi]

Massive congrats Poet, have your much needed relax time!

That goldfish is pretty cute too btw!