Hello and a warm welcome to anyone who might be reading!
I spent so much time deliberating on whether I should start this journal after starting (and giving up) on a journal during my HSC year that it seems quite surprising that I'm here and typing these words out. But after a lot of consideration, I decided to try and have an outlet for my current thoughts, so that in years to come, when everything in life is more settled, I'll be able to look back on these days with fondness and pride. Fingers crossed!
A bit about me first: I'm a first year law and actuarial student at UNSW! I think it's worth mentioning that at the start of last year, law was the last thing I wanted to do and even now, I'm not sure that I would ever want to be a
lawyer as such, though I do like the idea of many of the humanitarian jobs and concepts like international relations and representation, that come up with it. But as a child, I loved the idea of being a lawyer and diplomat, I wanted to establish justice and equity, I wanted to change the world even if I couldn't save it. I was immediately hit with comments that I was too weak, too indefinite to do law. There were so many unemployed law graduates, who was I to say I wouldn't be one of them? And then what would I do? I think I replied with the comment that I would be top of my grade and would get a job straight away. I was idealistic to say the least, but now, a more cynical me wonders whether it was fate or something of that nature that led me to the dream job of my childhood self. And if it is, who am I to dispute that?
Actuarial studies... I only learned about it last year, and the main things I was warned about was "it's hard" and "it's a good salary". I don't really know why I chose this really, law required me to select another degree to satisfy the credits, and actuarial seemed to have good prospects afterwards. In fact, my other UAC choices were all around actuarial studies ahah, with no law (Even though I kinda enjoy my law classes so much more, but that's more about the Maths course I'm strugglign through). As much as doing a science or arts degree (or the ever popular commerce-law) option appealed to me, I decided against it because I wanted something with a definite career path, especially since law students seem to constantly be described as "over-supplied" and "unwanted". I'm scared of being in a position where uncertainty rules my decisions, which I know works for many of my friends and a lot of the people who I love and respect and do those degrees. They've done things I could never imagine with the flexibility of those degrees, but I'm kinda tired of floating around and want something concentrete to aim towards.
The Context Behind My Decisions
I initially tried out for another degree, under a combination of advice from everyone around me and I think I convinced myself that it was what I wanted to do. I began planning out my life around it, my admittance into the course, the degree related clubs I'd join, the electives I would choose, the career and life I would lead. Needless to say, it didn't work out and after a time, I think I might be glad that it didn't. Don't get me wrong, after failing to get in, I cried for all the hardships and fear and that feeling of failure and emptiness that had guided me to that point and I did feel like devastated. But now, I feel that I rushed into everything, I planned out my entire life for something I didn't even know everything about. I don't know if I want to do law or actuarial studies, but I don't really know if I want to do anything in particular. I had never been someone with definite ideals and goals, and I really tried to change that. But in the process, I feel I might have given up a bit of me with it. EDIT- This sounds a lot sadder on my second read of it, and I do want to emphasis that I am no means regretting trying out for that degree, since it did shape me, and I am ready to face whatever I might encounter along the way.
Clubs and SocietiesI've only joined up to the ones around my degree. For a lot of my life, I had been scared of regret more than anything, and even now, that still seems to be a defining fact in the decisions I make, from joining a variety of clubs in high school and even in the subjects I took. But I had become so drained from all the things I did in high school, I did everything out of obligation rather than passion. There wasn't anything I loved and that realisation scared me. I had no definite interests, I liked music sure, I liked movies, but I wouldn't necessarily listen to music or watch a movie unless someone wanted to watch with me. In a crowded room, surrounded by friends and achievements that wouldn't mean anything once I left high school, I felt empty. Out of all my friends, who were enjoying their last year, I felt alone and terrified (what if I don't get that ATAR, that mark, that reference) and the extracurriculars I had were just more responsibilities, more stresses. I liked them at times, but most of them seemed to be obligations since I had done them for such a long time.
That's why this year I hope to live for me and redefine who I am. I just want to be happy and gain something from life. With time, I'll find activities that I like, pick up extracurriculars and hobbies and a job, but currently, I'm struggling to balance everything properly. I think I'll get the hang of it soon enough but for now, I'm content with all these assignments I have haha and the courses I do. My maths course is kinda killing me at the moment, but it should one day work out (right??) and I enjoy the other classes I have.
Song of the Week
Here's a chance for everyone to see and probably judge my dodgy (lowkey top 40 trash at times) music taste. This week I've been listening to a lot of 'Therapy' by All Time Low.
Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to
They're better off without you (they're better off without you)
Arrogant boy cause a scene like you're supposed to
They'll fall asleep without you
You're lucky if your memory remains