Creative Marking

[theyam]

Hello~

If I have accumulated enough posts, is it possible for someone to mark my creative please? It's not exactly done and I'm honestly struggling. Its sorta a mix of hopefully descriptions (although they're most likely telling rather than showing) and jumbled together. Any ways to make this story more sophisticated? Thank you to whoever marks this!!

[rasha25]

Hello there, I just saw your post and thought I'd help out. Please do keep in mind I am in no way a professional marker nor am I a teacher, just simply a year 12 student. Hope that you find this useful, I've attached a document bellow where I have made comments onto the parts that I thought needed work/editing. Feel free to let me know if there is an edit you do not understand. Overall a good and relatable idea of discovery, have a lovely day. 

[elysepopplewell]

Hey there! I'm going to take a look at this if not tomorrow, Saturday. If you want to make any edits based on the feedback given already feel free to do that and then re-post, otherwise I'll just take a look at the current version. I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you were already making changes! I'll get back to you soon!

[theyam]

Hi rasha25,

Thank you so much for your suggestions, they were really helpful and easy to understand. You give really good advice!

From theyam

[theyam]

Hi Elyse,

I sorta tried editing it?

Thank you!

From: theyam

[rasha25]

Hi rasha25,

Thank you so much for your suggestions, they were really helpful and easy to understand. You give really good advice!

From theyam

No problem, glad it was helpful

[elysepopplewell]

Hi Elyse,

I sorta tried editing it?

Thank you!

From: theyam

Hey there

I've put the story in the spoiler:

Spoiler

There are still great wonders to be discovered. We find them not just in the black void of the unknown but in the white noise of everyday life- in the things we barely notice, the things we almost forget…”

She was still fumbling with her tie as she turned the corner, and there it was. The large vehicle approached the bus stop, teasingly coming to a stop. That itself was enough to erupt the panic inside of her and soon her feet hit the pavement. Her body burned as she caught up to the door. The driver cast her a glare and Sarah quickly shuffled to a seat.

As the bus lurched, her slim figure crumpled against the seat. Limbs feeble, she slouched across her seat. Then her chestnut brown eyes became tainted with regret as she took in her surroundings. The bus itself was anything but luxury, and her skin recoiled at the thought of the seats that had been dulled by the grime of countless people that had prior sat in her current spot. It was disgustingly hot today. The air conditioner let out a few pants of air every once in a while but it was no use among the hoard of people within the bus. Every movement seemed to increase the heat. The doors constantly opened and closed with dying gasps as the bus continued to lurch on, piling on more and more people.


Sarah’s eye bags, accumulated from four hours of sleep felt like they swollen the whole bottom half of her eyes. Her brows furrowed as her pen spilled chicken scratches rather than legible handwriting
Sarah frantically took her booklet and a pen out, she had completely forgotten the Extension History homework was due today. She opened to the third page, requiring her to read 10 pages in order to answer a history question. “According to Dr Cumins, what is the point of history?” How on earth was she supposed to get an answer to that, when the author had vomited a history dictionary into the booklet?



The bus driver has opted for 96.9 FM, and it was playing some song with a man who seemed to be doing something in between speaking or singing. None of the pages made sense, with philosophical remarks akin to Aristotle, so Sarah flicked to the last page in the hopes for some coherent words that a normal person would understand. “What has happened in the past we should not shun away. Instead we must remember our past and use it to forward the identity of humanity.” It made some sort of sense to Sarah but with a grumbling stomach and a cramped arm, it was hard to think straight. Another song played and whilst Sarah’s head snapped towards the speakers, her baby hairs decided to flay a bit in the air and cover her eyes. Fists clenched, she grabbed some bobby pins and somewhat violently pinned her baby hairs back. “Welcome to the final show
Hope you're wearing your best clothes”
She willed in her mind for the goddamn speaker to stop functioning until she met steely concrete eyes of the woman opposite her.

Looking down at herself, she was almost aghast at her crinkled mess of a shirt, stained by remnants of last night’s potato and gravy. Sarah groaned as she thought back to this morning when she was languid and therefore stupefied enough to believe her wardrobe as it swore to her that its contents were all grand and lavish. Sarah futilely rubbed her hand across the creases on her skirt but catching sight of the lady’s sweep bun and immaculate blazer caused an overwhelming feeling of dishevelment. Her hand reached for her collar and she breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god her leadership badge wasn’t there.

She currently had no answers to her first homework task and she was probably going to show up ten minutes late unkempt and bedraggled. 

Harry Style’s voice permeated though her mind, “We never learn, we been here before…” Then the last paragraph made so much more sense. Sarah frantically scribbled, “History can only ever be truly appreciated when an individual doesn’t wilfully ignore the mistakes of the past. Instead, one should see those mistakes as experiences to solve the problems of today and become a better world. Like they always say, history repeats itself”
With that, Sarah delightfully tapped her school card, casting a smile towards the woman as she walked off.
   

I think your creative is on the right track. You've made a strong effort to use vocabulary well, you've put discovery at the forefront of the writing, and you're now looking for the next place to go.

I will add a few things about finer details: When you're quoting, especially the homework, make sure it's on it's own line so it's isolated and not just a muddled message within a bigger image. I can see what you're doing with the homework as a segway for greater discoveries, almost like the homework is an allegory for a greater message about discovery. However, I think that at the moment it does just read so much as a story about homework instead of a story about discovery. Throughout the whole middle section there, there's a story about someone being on the bus. Realistically, you could take all of that out and replace it with one paragraph that explains the pressure of trying to finish the work, but they're late to do it. Obviously you wouldn't do this because you have a story to tell. So what I'm suggesting is that you inject that middle part with a secondary story, something to explain how she got there, in that situation of being late to do her homework, and what does that mean in the wider narrative? Think of a dual meaning, and how that context of how she got there could be a lesson to us all towards the end when the realisation is made clear?

I hope this helps with the next step!

[ghewitt]

Hi!

I don't know if I have enough posts or whatever to be eligible to have my creative marked, but if someone is able to have a look at it I'd be extremely grateful! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi!

I don't know if I have enough posts or whatever to be eligible to have my creative marked, but if someone is able to have a look at it I'd be extremely grateful! 

Things are a little quiet atm, so I've just been ignoring post count and skimming as many as I can a few pointers!!

- Mechanical thing, ensure your dialogue falls on its own line. Meaning, when you have direct dialogue, start a new line. Love the dialogue though, very realistic which is hard to do!
- I really like the idea of the narrative, and I think it could work well with some Discovery stimuli. Ensure you can adapt it broadly, practice on past exams to check! I feel the Discovery aspect is a little limited in its current form.
- I think you need a greater tonal shift at the end to really sell the impact of the climax. The line where you are like: "The hair on my arms stood on end as I realised I was scared. Me - scared!." That last bit seems a little light-hearted - That tone works well for the rest of the piece but to sell the impact of this, you need to totally change the voice here I feel. From the second that rock strikes Liam, there should be a marked change in how you are writing to sell it.
- I'd love to see you incorporate the importance of the caves a bit more, and how the two intruders are impacting that. Maybe have them leave their rubbish around, torch some plants, who knows. It will give more meaning to that big descriptive section at the start.
- Watch your length, 1200 words is up there. Make sure it is short enough for you to adapt it on the fly if you need to!

Overall, I really like this, it was interesting and a pleasure to read! Good stuff

[ghewitt]

Things are a little quiet atm, so I've just been ignoring post count and skimming as many as I can a few pointers!!

- Mechanical thing, ensure your dialogue falls on its own line. Meaning, when you have direct dialogue, start a new line. Love the dialogue though, very realistic which is hard to do!
- I really like the idea of the narrative, and I think it could work well with some Discovery stimuli. Ensure you can adapt it broadly, practice on past exams to check! I feel the Discovery aspect is a little limited in its current form.
- I think you need a greater tonal shift at the end to really sell the impact of the climax. The line where you are like: "The hair on my arms stood on end as I realised I was scared. Me - scared!." That last bit seems a little light-hearted - That tone works well for the rest of the piece but to sell the impact of this, you need to totally change the voice here I feel. From the second that rock strikes Liam, there should be a marked change in how you are writing to sell it.
- I'd love to see you incorporate the importance of the caves a bit more, and how the two intruders are impacting that. Maybe have them leave their rubbish around, torch some plants, who knows. It will give more meaning to that big descriptive section at the start.
- Watch your length, 1200 words is up there. Make sure it is short enough for you to adapt it on the fly if you need to!

Overall, I really like this, it was interesting and a pleasure to read! Good stuff

Thanks for this  It was really helpful!

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks for this  It was really helpful!

You're welcome!

[theyam]

Hi guys

I was wondering if someone could give me feedback for my story and how I could make it more Discovery oriented? I'm not sure whether I should keep my creative or not, some people have told me it was really emotional and others have said it just seemed like I wrote UP fanfiction. If you guys think I should write a new creative, are there any aspects from this creative I can keep?

Thank you

from theyam:)