Hey, beeangkah!
Sure thing! The speech with comments are located inside the spoiler tag.
Speech (marked)
Q: Sudden and unexpected discoveries can challenge our views and generate new ideas. To what extent is this view of discovery communicated in away and one other related text of your own choosing?
Discoveries that are often unplanned rather than deliberately sought for can undeniably instigate renewed perceptions. As these journeys are multifaceted experiences, they can be ultimately conveyed through the notions that personal contexts can be platforms for provocative discoveries in addition to that emotional self-discovery can arise from differing intensely meaningful experiences – irrefutably explored through both Michael Gow’s 1986 play Away and Tim Winton’s 1987 short story Distant Lands. Gow epitomises the stimulating nature of sudden and unprecedented discoveries through Gwen and Coral’s characterisations. Likewise, Winton illuminates the character Fat Maz’s speculation of new worlds, hence proving its suitability as a related text for year 12 students. (Not bad, but you’re diving into the text more than the concept. Step back a bit, and let the concept dominate.)
Both Gow and Winton successfully portray how sudden and accidental discoveries can indeed challenge an individual’s outlook, where personal contexts are agents of confronting transformation. (Again, I think you're diving too early into the text. I'm not sensing a strong conceptual link with this essay.) Gow specifically explores Gwen transitioning from the quintessential class-conscious housewife to empathetic. Her violently-delivered rhetorical question (It's not her who speaks in rhetoric; it's the composer themselves who do it.) highlights insecurity, “The world is full of mad people… how do they bear no worthwhile aim?” Gow however implements verisimilitude through Shakespearean intertextuality in both Tom’s role as A Midsummer Night’s Dream’s “Puck”, as well as the cleansing effect of the tempest at the play’s climax. Hence, her conceited attitudes disdaining the socially “inferior” catalyses a confronting and unexpected realisation of her destroyed relationships, particularly when discovering Tom’s acceptance of imminent death. (Your argument lacks clarity from here. I'm not sensing a consistent train of thought. By itself, I think it's strong but it doesn't do much to drive any point forward. More info in the general feedback section.) A rhetorical question and imperative epitomises such shock on her suddenly challenged materialistic views, “don’t protect me. What am I trying to say?”. Winton also unquestionably depicts how Fat Maz’s personal context of indoctrination of racial prejudice offers a far-reaching platform for unanticipated discovery. Sheltered in her xenophobic father’s newsagency, descriptive imagery in, “the big Greyhound rolled past going north to the city” engenders a metaphor of her banal life. The diction of “city” further epitomises a naïve individual only exposed to insular views of her rural hometown. When the “Nescafé coloured man” enters her life, the third person omniscient narrator reveals, “she had never felt this tacit understanding with anyone before” which reinforces a surprising discovery of the exploration of a new sensation in her state of impasse due to a challenge of perspectives. Therefore, Gow and Winton skilfully communicates how spontaneous and unexpected discoveries can significantly renew one’s values, exemplified through Gwen’s and Fat Maz’s provocative individual contexts. (Overall, I felt this was very fragmented; there are a lot of ideas thrown into the mix but none of them drive your argument forward. You're also relying too heavily on the text rather than the concept itself. Let the concept be the dominant segment of your essay, and from there, it becomes easier to write.)
Gow and Winton moreover undoubtedly (Moreover undoubtedly??) convey how unplanned emotional self-discoveries can arise from uniquely stimulating experiences, which effectively prompt generation of new ideas. (Again, your topic sentence shouldn't really introduce the composers. It should be an open sentiment that you have learned when studying the module.) Gow manifests the effect of sudden discoveries in Coral by representing an emotionally detached persona prior to spiritual restoration. The archetypal Shakespearean soliloquy reveals Coral’s warped perceptions for she morbidly subverts the school play’s carefree atmosphere by rhetorically asking, “Is it better for them to die…looking like gods?” Coral only begins cathartic healing at the beach, aided by Tom who “told her a thing or two” and acknowledges her pain in the allegorical meta-theatrical mise-en-abyme they perform. Coral repeats, “[In her American accent] I’m walking, I’m walking. [In her own voice] I’m walking.” The stage direction of the change of tone denotes the spontaneous discovery that she is able to metaphorically “return from the dead”. Winton also successfully displays through Fat Maz how emotional discovery can be triggered by surprisingly liberating experiences, and thus allow a challenge of views. The third person omniscient narrator reveals, “She could feel herself getting fatter everyday” where her unhappiness in her microcosmic, stagnant harbourside environment creates a platform for her to renew her perceptions. After being slipped a “starchy-new” fifty dollar note by the exotic man, symbolic sensory imagery in, “the money sounded electric between her breasts,” reinforces the culmination of an unprecedented yet intensely meaningful ascertainment of an intrinsic yearning to speculate on future possibilities beyond an unfulfilling life by willingly forming connections with stigmatised foreigners. Thus, Gow and Winton undoubtedly imply how unplanned yet stimulating emotional self-discoveries can spark new ideas through Coral and Fat Maz’s transformations. (Again, I think you're focusing too heavily on the characters themselves and not enough on the concept at hand. You provide a plethora of literary devices, which is fine, but be careful with too many literary devices. Too many means you're not providing deeper insights into the analysis behind what these literary devices do to the audience and composer.
Hence, Gow and Winton effectively assert that sudden and unexpected discoveries as opposed to being deliberately planned can challenge one’s views. The notions that personal contexts facilitate provocative discoveries as well as that surprisingly fresh experiences can lead to emotional self-discovery are critically explored through the characterisation of Gwen and Coral in Away and Fat Maz in Distant Lands.
Don't worry! You still have time to go from a 9/10 to a 15. A few things you will need to pay attention:
1) You're focusing
too heavily on the text, and not enough on the concept. It's important to note that the Area of Study module is a conceptual module, so the main idea should come from the different notions of discovery, rather than of the text. You can do this by breaking down the question into two key areas:
challenging the views and the
generation of new ideas.
Remember that what you're trying to do when writing these essays is to reflect on your own experiences of discovery as they often lead to new perspectives on your text. So, use your own experience of discovery (whether that is the act of rediscovery or through a catalyst) in order to generate a new insight into the discovery concept. From there, you approach your texts through the representation of people, events, and societies of the composer's period.
If you need help with generating thesis statements, then feel free to reply to this thread and we'll help you with that!
2) I guess this leads back to the first point, but make sure you address the question at hand. Your ideas, while they are strong individually, aren't very connected, which screws up the flow of your essay. You have a fragmented rhythm, and that may be because of the textual approach in your essay, rather than a more conceptual view.
What to do next:Redraft one of your paragraphs. This time, think more deeply about what the discoveries are being made by the character. How does this resonate with the audience, and then: what literary devices are being employed by the
composer? Keep drafting the paragraphs this way, and overtime, having a deeper insight to discovery will come second nature to you. If you're having trouble with this, feel free to post them here and we'll help get you started.
Make sure you're continually reading the rubric to pull out more conceptual links. It's the best tool you can have when trying to think with more insight.
If you're struggling, please do not hesitate to reply. Good luck with the upcoming half yearly exams!
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Topic: Discovery speech - marked as 9/15, desperately need feedback x (Read 901 times)