Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry

[jz27]

Lol nope no advantage for u 

Hi Guys,

I know it's quite late, but could you please mark this?

Topic: Imagine something precious, you have lost that is finally returned to you.

Dad always liked me the best, I don't know why, but I was always the favourite... But when he left I couldn't believe it, he had always hinted at it; but never really confirmed it. Dad was with the North you see; he had been selected when he was young, as gifted Doesn't flow and was spoon-fed until he was old enough to work for the state. I was the same, when I was 5, I was chosen; and brought to a different school with kids with a "like mind". That was why I was the favourite. As soon as Dad left, the State knew. We had to go into hiding; but it wasn't long until they found us. When we were captured we were brought into a sort of detention center. We were left for a few days. Then we were separated. Mum went first and then Grandpa then Grandma and then finally me. They said they would spare me; so they kept me in the detention center, where I could still be taught, I don't know what happend to the rest of the family, I was isolated, kept in the classroom for hours, I dreaded everyday. I had the same teacher; Mr Kim, he was an old, strict man, who was small and stout. I would see him everyday without any day off. One day something unusual happend my normal tutor wan't there instead I had somebody who looked exactly like my father. At first it was a normal day, but at exactly 12:00pm he told me who he really was- of course he was my father. I tried to tell him everything that happend, but he wasn't interested, he was only interested meI think you mean "He was only interested in me". I missed him so much. I longed for him, but he seperated the whole family. I asked him whether he knew where the rest of the family was, but he didn't even answer; I had once respected this man, but I had quickly developed a sense of hate deeply intrenched "INCORRECT SPELLING? UNSURE OF WORD USE" in my soul. What could I do?


TIME: 15:00


ALSO:

I'm coming from interstate for the Victorian selective school exam, will I have an advantage?

(didnt really understand the plot[probably just me])I'm doing the test as well, you can read one of my pieces above if you want to. They're "decent" as said by zhen. And that's somewhat a compliment coming from him. Anyways good luck!

[jz27]

EVERYONE WHO'S READING THIS. YOU DON'T NEED TO WRITE 15:00 I'M SURE THAT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF WRITING WAS DONE IN 15 MIN OR LESS

[hegihugo]

Did you use a writing stimulus

[patriciarose]

Hi Guys,

I know it's quite late, but could you please mark this?

Topic: Imagine something precious, you have lost that is finally returned to you.

Dad always liked me the best, I don't know why, but I was always the favourite... But when he left I couldn't believe it, he had always hinted at it; semicolons ( are basically full stops. you just use one when you want the reader to pause for longer than they would when reading a comma, but still connect two things together (a full stop would seperate them). 'But never really confirmed it' does not work as a sentence alone, which is effectively how the semicolon forces it to be read. don't have any problem with you adding one, but if you do, say 'he never really confirmed it' so that it makes grammatical sense. if you want to add one, make sure both halves before and after it work as seperate sentences because that's how they'll be read. but never really confirmed it. Dad was with the Northcomma. i know you don't read it with a pause, but there is a seperation between 'North' and 'you' so it needs the comma. works any time you want to say something like this. it looked messy, i thought. in my head, i said, this happened. dad was with the north, you see. (: you see; he had been selected when he was young, as giftedwhat? do you mean he's gifted and that's why he was selected? cool idea, i like it, but it doesn't need to be alone between those two commas because that's confusing (although if you maybe made it Gifted with a capital g? so i can tell that it's a Thing, not just a thing. nouns carry a lot of weight). and was spoon-fed with information (for clarity) until he was old enough to work for the state. I was the same,colon ( or full stop. when I was 5, I was chosen; again, semi colon is a full stop. using them isn't a bad thing but make sure both sides are complete in their own right before you do so. and brought to a different school with kids with a "like mind". That was why I was the favourite. As soon as Dad left, the State knew. We had to go into hiding; but it wasn't long until they found us. When we were captured we were brought into a sort of detention center. We were left for a few days. Then we were separated. Mum went first and then Grandpa then Grandma and then finally me. They said they would spare me; so they kept me in the detention center, where I could still be taught, I don't know what happend to the rest of the family, I was isolated, kept in the classroom for hours, I dreaded everyday. this is a run-on sentence (my teachers used to harp on that a lot, but if you've not heard the phrase, it means that they, um, run on a lot haha) and it's way too long. there's a limit to how many commas you can stick in a sentence like this before it starts sounding monotonous. Maybe cut it off after taught, and use a because after  family and an and after hours? changes it to "I don'tknow what happened to the rest of the family because I was isolated, kept in the classroom for hours (and or full stop) I dreaded every day." idk. my point is you have to break that up. I had the same teacher; colon ( instead of semicolon. Mr Kim, he was an old, strict man, who was small and stout. I would see him everyday without any day off. you really need a paragraph break somewhere and here is quite a good place for one. One day something unusual happend spelling, but also, again, colon. or full stop. or semi colon. preferably normal colon though.my normal tutor wan't thereand instead? instead I had somebody who looked exactly like my father. i'd like a bit more here. is this person not a little shocked that their disappeared father has randomly turned up to teach them algebra? give me some dialogue? or at least a thought or two. At first it was a normal day, your long gone father has appeared in a classroom and that's normal? i know they're probably suffering from some kind of trauma because of the whole kidnapped by the government thing, but still. this is a good spot for a little bit of emotion and it'd add to your piece a lot. but at exactly 12:00pm see, i wasn't sure about this detail the first time i read this (because, like, why) but it is very precise, which kind of adds to the feeling of wrongness here. wouldn't mind a little bit more information about what happened to him – he seems quite robotic? interesting thing to explore if you had time. but yes nice detail (:he told me who he really was- of course he was my father. I tried to tell him everything that happend happened, but he wasn't interested, he was only interested me. I had missed him? like before he turned up as a robot? or currently? if it's currently, then your grammar is right, but you contradict that hatred you're about to have your narrator develop, so. missed him so much. I longed for him, but he seperated the whole family. I asked him whether he knew where the rest of the family was, but he didn't even answer; this semicolon's right! (: I had once respected this man, but I had quickly developed a sense of hate deeply intrenched entrenched (: good word btw. in my soul. What could I do?

okay, not bad, but you need paragraphs, multiple. also, dialogue would be lovely. little more description couldn't hurt (if you get stuck: what's he wearing? what colour are the walls? what do they remind him of? what is he missing? i've just made him male i'm so sorry). overall good length though! good luck with the test! (: around to mark til eleven and then i'm out btw. zhen and people might still be around but idk for sure, maybe not. 

TIME: 15:00


ALSO:

I'm coming from interstate for the Victorian selective school exam, will I have an advantage?

[hegihugo]

Got another one...
Stimulus: Found

Got an idea from @Jack_Zhou_JZ (I liked your space story )

Story:

The glistening light sparkled in the jet black surroundings. Suddenly a little speckle of light shown in the dark surroundings. "I found the last planet," I screamed "I found it!" It is 4000ce our Earth is too polluted, so we needed to find a new planet, all the other planets had been claimed by other life forms, so our only chance of survival was in the discovery of a new planet. Every country had joined together for the last great exploration mission.

I was going to be a hero, or so I thought: " Uhh... Smith we're letting you go,  you shouldn't have discovered that planet, it should have been me." My squadrent leader said.

I looked towards the ship with despair, the captain smirked and waved. A sudden force pushed me away into the large abyss. I was stuck, trapped in a infinite abyss. I had no chance of survival.

I had one last glance at the ship, I had always tried to be careful with my squadrent leader.
Only a few years he had lost a junior astronaut just like me, that discovery put him on the map. Now he will be even more of a hero; for the actions that I completed.

I had one chance at survival. I pulled my emergency lever, that sent a plea of help to everybody, wether it be friend of Earth or foe.

After waiting a few minutes, I had got a reply, it was in a foreign language. This was my only chance at survival. Soon a ship appeared long and thin. It was as black as the surrounding abyss. A door opened. I started to be pulled into it. I had been saved but by whom?

[hegihugo]

I did this also in 15 minutes

[jz27]

TRIGGERED  BUT GOOD ESSAY

[jz27]

WOTS A STIMULUS?? I Just close my eyes and click on one from a list. Set timer for 15 min and begin writing on paper. Then i type it on atar notes lol

[jz27]

OOOOH nvm i found out what a stimulus is. Nope i dont use them, why would u use a guide in an essay. Lol cbf. I just git random topics http://www.writersdigest.com/prompts close ur eyes scroll. stop. and start writing.

[hegihugo]

I write on paper

[hegihugo]

And then I type... From what I heard (My Mums colleague) it depends on what school ur going to, for example if you go to some really expensive private school, ur scaled to expensive private schools etc.

[jz27]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE THIS IS 69 HOURS PF RESEARCH BTW:
1. ITS A CERTAIN NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO GET IN
2. THE MAXIMIUM THAT CAN GO FROM EACH SCHOOL IS 5% ( OF THE GRADE)
3. The only thing that gives u an advantage is being smart



GOOD LUCK

[jz27]

GUYS!!!!!!!!!
MY FRIEND @H.Dinnez WANTED ME TO POST THIS FOR HIM

It is crucial that all drivers stay away from cellphones while in the driver’s seat. It can be remarkably dangerous as it causes major distractions. A call can come your way and notifications can catch your attention. Cellphones should always be kept away.
 
A cellphone is very distracting when a driver receives an incoming call. Many drivers commence with the call and lose concentration on the road. This is a major cause of road trauma. One call can cause many deaths. Therefore cellphones should be kept away while driving as they are very dangerous to the driver.
 
These days many people are engaged with social media and other entertaining programmes through their cellphones. A notification excites many drivers and catches their full attention. Once a driver’s concentration is off the road it can be terribly hard to control the vehicle, this leads to critical collisions. These reasons prove that cellphones shouldn’t be used while driving.
 
Some people believe that cellphones can be used for things like listening to music and contacting people through bluetooth. These uses can also be very dangerous for the driver and many other people on the road.
 
Overall, cellphones lead to major collisions due to the fact that they are extremely distraction to the driver. Therefore cellphones should be kept away while driving in a car.
 
Please provide constructive criticism and explain all my flaws in this writing piece so that I can improve further. Thanks.

[jz27]

HUGO R U KOREAN?

[patriciarose]

Got another one...
Stimulus: Found

Got an idea from @Jack_Zhou_JZ (I liked your space story ) so 'space' is your prompt??

Story:

The glistening light sparkled in the jet black surroundings.i'm drawing a blank – the planet is the light? not a science kid, but do planets emit light? i know they're colourful, but ... tell me about the colour? or just tell me that the surface glistened tbh. can probably do more than just light. Suddenly a little speckle of light shown in the dark surroundings. suddenly? like, just then? when you just told me the light was sparkling? suddenly means the occurance is a current surprise haha. "I found the last planet," I screamedfull stop. "I found it!" It is 4000ce andour Earth is too polluted, so we needed to find a new planet, either put in an and to tie them together, or full stop. i would prefer the and though because it sounds nicer. all the other planets had been claimed by other life forms, so our only chance of survival was in the discovery of a new planet. Every country had joined together for the last great exploration mission.nice.

I was going to be a hero, or so I thought:this is a good line. i would maybe have left it on a line of its own though? like it's very important and you could hang on to that mood for a second and then the betrayal will feel worse. " Uhh... Smith we're letting you go,  you shouldn't have discovered that planet, it should have been me." My squadrent leader said. okay, so this is logically impossible because they're so heavily monitored unless some serious changes go down in the next 2000 years. but it is good for the plot so hey it works really well for a fifteen minute piece.

I looked towards the ship with despair, the captain smirked and waved. A sudden force pushed me away into the large abyss. I was stuck, trapped in a infinite abyss. niiiiceI had no chance of survival.

I had one last glance at the ship, I had always tried to be careful with my squadrent leader.
Only a few years he had lost a junior astronaut just like me, that discovery put him on the map. Now he will be even more of a hero; for the actions that I completed.

I had one chance at survival. I pulled my emergency lever, that sent a plea of help to everybody, wether whether it be friend of Earth or foe.also nice. though idk where he would put a lever, but again, 2000 years.

After waiting a few minutes, I had got a reply, it was in a foreign language. This was my only chance at survival. Soon a ship appeared comma. or just put the adjectives in front of the noun in the conventional way. long and thin. It was as black as the surrounding abyssgood word. A door opened. I started to be pulled into it. I had been saved but by whom?

you really like ending on questions omg. this is good! great use of adjectives and i like the plot progression: setting it 2000 years in the future was smart because it means everything is theoretically possible! if you're looking for easy things to improve on, i would add a little more description of the surroundings: you did this well at the end but the start could have been better. try to show instead of tell too: if they're nervous, they'll start sweating, shaking, trembling. if you're getting cast into space, a few of those probably apply, and something more visual (ie. the yuck but effective sweat beading on their arms (but maybe not in space idk) etc) often works better to convey emotion. either way, good luck with your test tomorrow (if you're one of those people), i'm sure you'll do amazing (: