Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread

[elysepopplewell]

Hey guys,

I was wondering if you could give me some feedback for my AOS thesis. Could you also let me know if it's adaptable as Im planning to use this in the HSC. Also, how would I manipulate it to fit the essay question?

"The confronting and provocative process of discovery has the potential to transform an individual’s perception towards the human experience and the world. However, the extent of the transformation is influenced by the willingness of the individual to embrace their discovery."

The only thing I'm wary of here is "the human experience." It seems quite vague - and I think you could be more direct in order to really grab the marker. The human condition and the human experience is vague, so you've got to tag it with something in order to make it really clear to a marker that you aren't someone using a sweeping statement to make a point. Perhaps you should knuckle it down to the perception towards human interaction, or human emotion, or whatever it may be. Identify which part of the human experience you are focusing on.

[angiezhang9]

The only thing I'm wary of here is "the human experience." It seems quite vague - and I think you could be more direct in order to really grab the marker. The human condition and the human experience is vague, so you've got to tag it with something in order to make it really clear to a marker that you aren't someone using a sweeping statement to make a point. Perhaps you should knuckle it down to the perception towards human interaction, or human emotion, or whatever it may be. Identify which part of the human experience you are focusing on.

Thank you Elyse <3

Moderator action: merged your second post with the spelling correction with the first

[Scarlet]

Hi,
I really appreciate all the time ATAR notes tutors are putting in to help us prepare for our HSC English exam.
I'm currently attempting the 2015 AOS paper, if someone could give me feedback on my thesis that would be awesome !

Q. The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known. How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Thesis: An individual’s process of discovery involves uncovering what has been previously hidden and reconsidering what is already known. However, the ramifications and processes of these discoveries vary for each individual and their worlds. The discoveries can either transform the individual for the better, worse or have no apparent effect.

[elysepopplewell]

Hi,
I really appreciate all the time ATAR notes tutors are putting in to help us prepare for our HSC English exam.
I'm currently attempting the 2015 AOS paper, if someone could give me feedback on my thesis that would be awesome !

Hi Scarlet! Not a worry in the world, super glad to help!

Q. The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known. How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Thesis: An individual’s process of discovery involves uncovering what has been previously hidden and reconsidering what is already known. However, the ramifications and processes of these discoveries vary for each individual and their worlds, asThe discoveries can either transform the individual for the better, worse or have no apparent effect.

My critique on this:
Your first sentence is pretty well a regurgitation of the question - I tend to suggest leaving that repeating of the question (if you need to) until the second sentence at least, simply so that you grab the marker with something really catchy early on. The next suggestion I have is for the wording of "for the better, worse, or have no apparent effect." I think "better or worse" is a bit colloquial and also subjective. Perhaps suggest, "...can either transform the individual in ways they deem positive, or in ways that contradict society's expectations." Obviously you'd need to adapt it to what is true from your texts, I'm just suggesting a way to be a bit less ambiguous I also think the second sentence should become one with the third! Let me know what you think!

[Scarlet]

Hi Scarlet! Not a worry in the world, super glad to help!

Q. The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known. How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Thesis: An individual’s process of discovery involves uncovering what has been previously hidden and reconsidering what is already known. However, the ramifications and processes of these discoveries vary for each individual and their worlds, asThe discoveries can either transform the individual for the better, worse or have no apparent effect.

My critique on this:
Your first sentence is pretty well a regurgitation of the question - I tend to suggest leaving that repeating of the question (if you need to) until the second sentence at least, simply so that you grab the marker with something really catchy early on. The next suggestion I have is for the wording of "for the better, worse, or have no apparent effect." I think "better or worse" is a bit colloquial and also subjective. Perhaps suggest, "...can either transform the individual in ways they deem positive, or in ways that contradict society's expectations." Obviously you'd need to adapt it to what is true from your texts, I'm just suggesting a way to be a bit less ambiguous I also think the second sentence should become one with the third! Let me know what you think!

Thank you Elyse !
How would I then approach the question without regurgitating ? I'm really stuck on this part

[:3]

Hello friendly volunteers/moderators,

For each body paragraph thesis, do we provide a general statement on a concept of discovery we're about to talk about? Or do we refer to the text with snippets of certain concepts (e.g. Character's exploration of unknown lands has a far-reaching impact on him, which ultimately revitalises his perspective towards...)

Thanks

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello friendly volunteers/moderators,

For each body paragraph thesis, do we provide a general statement on a concept of discovery we're about to talk about? Or do we refer to the text with snippets of certain concepts (e.g. Character's exploration of unknown lands has a far-reaching impact on him, which ultimately revitalises his perspective towards...)

Thanks

Hey there!

Each paragraph should indeed have a sentence at the start giving a brief conceptual statement about what the paragraph will cover. I generally call this a Motherhood Statement, it acts like a mini-Thesis for the paragraph you still do the conceptual stuff throughout the paragraph! But you set up the reader at the start

[jakesilove]

Hey there!

Each paragraph should indeed have a sentence at the start giving a brief conceptual statement about what the paragraph will cover. I generally call this a Motherhood Statement, it acts like a mini-Thesis for the paragraph you still do the conceptual stuff throughout the paragraph! But you set up the reader at the start

I've always loved this 'Motherhood Statement' business; only ever heard Elyse and yourself call it that. If anyone else is as confused as I was the first time they heard the term, it's just a topic sentence/golden sentence/whatever your teacher calls it.

Moderator Self-Edit: I don't mean to start a war here

[jamonwindeyer]

I've always loved this 'Motherhood Statement' business; only ever heard Elyse and yourself call it that. If anyone else is as confused as I was the first time they heard the term, it's just a topic sentence/golden sentence/whatever your teacher calls it.

Moderator Self-Edit: I don't mean to start a war here

Pretty sure one of the Bede teachers coined the phrase

We didn't start the War, but by God, we will finish it...

[:3]

Hey there!

Each paragraph should indeed have a sentence at the start giving a brief conceptual statement about what the paragraph will cover. I generally call this a Motherhood Statement, it acts like a mini-Thesis for the paragraph you still do the conceptual stuff throughout the paragraph! But you set up the reader at the start

So do we basically rephrase concepts from the rubric? If so, it feels like I'm repeating what I stated in the main thesis.

This is one from my essay: "Hurley’s planned exploration of the unchartered Antarctic during the Mawson and Shackleton expeditions had impacted him at an emotional level, compelling him to share it in a revitalising matter. "

[jamonwindeyer]

So do we basically rephrase concepts from the rubric? If so, it feels like I'm repeating what I stated in the main thesis.

This is one from my essay: "Hurley’s planned exploration of the unchartered Antarctic during the Mawson and Shackleton expeditions had impacted him at an emotional level, compelling him to share it in a revitalising matter. "

I would say that sentence is okay, though perhaps a little vague; exactly what were the impacts?

I would think of it this way, think of your main Thesis as an umbrella. A big idea. Your motherhood statements all fall under that umbrella, but they are all distinct.

As an example, maybe your main Thesis is something like, Personal attitudes act as barriers to effective Discovery. Your motherhood statements/paragraphs might be:

• Jealousy as a barrier to discovery
• Obsession as a barrier to discovery

Purely an indicator of course so all of these are different concepts, but they all fit under the common theme of "barriers to Discovery." So I discuss each of them in turn, all the while linking to my big idea!

So you see it is up to you to create these little 'mini-ideas' that fit under your big one. There can be a little repetition, and all will link to the rubric in some way (probably), but they should still all serve their own purpose. Does that make sense?

[elysepopplewell]

Thank you Elyse !
How would I then approach the question without regurgitating ? I'm really stuck on this part

I always find that the best way to approach either the question or the rubric without regurgitating is to make sure that when you directly address the question or the rubric, you tag it with something original in the same sentence. This way, you're directly addressing the question like they want, but before they've even got to the second sentence, you've paired it with something that sets you apart from everyone who uses the essay question as their first sentence

[alyssastama]

Hi!

I was wondering if you could please give me some feedback thesis for Mod A (Richard III and Looking for Richard)?

"An exploration into differing social paradigms during a text’s composition enables a greater understanding of the composer’s intention. Shakespeare’s 16th Century play Richard III, set in Elizabethan England, adjacently analysed with Al Pacino’s postmodern docudrama LFR facilitates an examination into how the shift in pervasive values greatly influenced the film appropriation for a contemporary audience."

Thanks!

[:3]

I would say that sentence is okay, though perhaps a little vague; exactly what were the impacts?

I would think of it this way, think of your main Thesis as an umbrella. A big idea. Your motherhood statements all fall under that umbrella, but they are all distinct.

As an example, maybe your main Thesis is something like, Personal attitudes act as barriers to effective Discovery. Your motherhood statements/paragraphs might be:

• Jealousy as a barrier to discovery
• Obsession as a barrier to discovery

Purely an indicator of course so all of these are different concepts, but they all fit under the common theme of "barriers to Discovery." So I discuss each of them in turn, all the while linking to my big idea!

So you see it is up to you to create these little 'mini-ideas' that fit under your big one. There can be a little repetition, and all will link to the rubric in some way (probably), but they should still all serve their own purpose. Does that make sense?

Thank you Jamon for the all help; I think I'm beginning to understand as to where you're getting at.

You basicaly just have to take an aspect (or multiple ones) from your main thesis and write it with respect (not explicitly) to your related text's main concepts/themes.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi!

I was wondering if you could please give me some feedback thesis for Mod A (Richard III and Looking for Richard)?

"An exploration into differing social paradigms during a text’s composition enables a greater understanding of the composer’s intention. Shakespeare’s 16th Century play Richard III, set in Elizabethan England, adjacently analysed with Al Pacino’s postmodern docudrama LFR facilitates an examination into how the shift in pervasive values greatly influenced the film appropriation for a contemporary audience."

Thanks!

Hey Alyssa! I love it, I think that provided you subsequently examine what precise values/paradigms you are referencing, then you are golden. This links to the module well and sets up your argument nicely! Again, make sure you give us more clarification with regard to what social paradigms/values you are talking about in the next sentence(s)