Really looking forward to the VIC lectures this weekend! It's going to be really good to solidify some info with the help of ATAR Notes. Thanks fam.
Also it'll force me to keep up my personal hygiene. I tend to get a bit lax about that when I hermit my way through the school holidays.
I end up looking like Radagast the Brown (include the bird dookie encrusted down the side of my face).
On another note.
I have received some (actually many) messages from those who have read what I write in this little journal of mine, and I wanted to thank those who wrote for their encouragement and understanding. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, even though it can feel like it sometimes (a lot of the time), so having complete strangers tell me that they understand, or have gone through similar, and can relate to much of what I have written in either past or present tense, is a bright spot in the otherwise dark world of my mind.
And to Calebark (and anyone else interested), I have tried the grounding technique you mentioned and it can be really helpful in stressful situations/during an anxiety attack. The first time I tried it I couldn't remember it all, though, and then I started panicking because I forgot the last two!! But I'm okay now haha! Note to self: memorize the whole thing before trying it and getting stuck in the middle.
start breathing deeply. To yourself, name five things you can see. Deep breath. Name four things you can feel. Deep breath. Name three things you can hear. Deep breath. Name two things you can smell. Deep breathe. Name one thing you can taste. Deep breath. It's called grounding
I have found that another outlet I use to calm down is just getting outside and into nature. I think I've talked about this before, but it's my motivation journal so I may get a bit repetitive in my comments about things I do to be motivated and "make it" through high school. (Sorry!)
I went bush-bashing (not actually wacking bushes - it's basically off-roading but when you're walking in the bush, following wombat tracks instead of normal trails, getting cobwebs and spiders caught in your hair, tripping over mossy logs, all that good stuff) with my family a few days ago. It was the most fun I've had in ages, just getting out into the cool serenity of a forest and breathing in the damp air. It was like I was living again.Like it was the first time in months that I had really been able to just bring my guard down and let the quiet of the forest calm me, cleanse me. I’ve been so stressed and so busy and so brimming with confusion and conflicting emotions, and I just needed a chance to let it out.
Granted, I still have a lot bottled up inside. There are things the forest cannot take from me. It’s why I write. But this was a really good stress reduction strategy, and I’m glad I went. Now I’m knuckling down to work again, I miss it and I’m finding it hard to concentrate on my work after only 4 days of rest. I live in a beautiful place with a reserve and wildlife just outside my window, (no seriously, there is a large gum tree with a branch close to my bedroom wall and the possums piss me off at two in the morning) but I just don’t feel it’s the same. I live in a world full of people – is it bad for me to just want to be alone, truly alone, for a while?
But then, at the same time, I realise that I’m lonely. Maybe that’s why I’m finding it so hard to concentrate right now. I mean, I’m annoyed by my siblings and the myriad noises they make, but at the same time I don’t know what I would do with myself if they were gone, if I didn’t have someone with me, whether I like that person or not.
I feel like I would go crazy.
But if I stay here, I'm going to go crazy as well.
So, what does a girl do?
I'm lying to everyone - even myself - left, right and center, telling everyone I'm doing fine, or good, but isn't that what we all say? It's the generic answer to the generic 'how are you', isn't it. I don't think anyone has ever answered my casual 'how are you?' with 'I think I'm going insane'. The 'how are you' is a greeting of strangers at the supermarket; one is looking for the canned tomato and the other stands in their way. It's a way to get someone's attention, when we ask that question. It's like people don't really care any more. No, it's not even a question anymore. It's a statement, engineered to get someone out of your life as fast as possible.
A part of me wonders what would happen if I answered truthfully to a stranger's question one day. I've known friends to answer 'not so good' before, and I would help them the best I could, but I've never really found the confidence (in speech, it's a lot easier to write imo) to tell anyone but my mother that I'm not feeling well. I can't even tell her
how I'm hurting. Maybe it's because I find it so hard to describe with speech. Like, how am I meant to walk up to my mother and say "Hey, Mom, I have depression and I think I should get help for it"? I mean, that's exactly what I did, and my life is somewhat better for it, but it's so, so hard to open up to people.
But everyone needs to at some point, and I need to now.
Maybe then I won't feel so lonely, even when I'm surrounded by people who know and understand, and tell me they care.
And then,
maybe I can find a place to be alone without incessantly screaming
children ferals and not go crazy with my own thoughts.
I wonder if I'm an introvert?
Ugh.
It's going to be kind of crazy, going to these lectures the next couple of weeks and possibly seeing people who have actually read this journal. About 3 people in my life, total, are all I have ever told about how I feel.
I guess this is part of me stepping out into the open, even if it is a weird way to do it.
Song of the Day: