Free SOR Essay Marking!

[BPunjabi]

Sorry the picture for section Three was this: https://postimg.org/image/hr6u3511l/
I dont know how to place it on the forum so you dont have to click the link - Sorry

[zaayxo]

Do you have an email so I can send my essay? It'll be much appreciated!

[ssarahj]

Do you have an email so I can send my essay? It'll be much appreciated!

Hey zaayxo, here at ATAR Notes we ask that you post your essay on this forum for marking instead of email, to allow everyone to benefit from the awesome feedback you'll receive. When you reach 15 posts you're welcome to post it and one of our amazing markers will get onto it for you 
If you have any questions about SOR feel free to ask them here: Studies of Religion Question Thread

[zaayxo]

Hey, if you don't mind, is it alright if you mark this 5mark response, and place a mark out of 5 as well! 
For some Australians, God is no longer important. Religion does not seem
attractive as the country is becoming increasingly secular

After 1973, conversely after the ending of the "White Australian policy", Australia has emerged into a multi-cultural country accompanying diverse faiths and cultures. Christianity had dominated the Australian population by 85%, but after 1973 due to immigration, religious conversion, disenchantment, the death of many Christian elders and modern development, it had tremendously decreased to a 64%. This had accentuated "no-religion" to rise from a 15.5% to 22.3% of the population, justifying the conception of the "increasingly secular" country. Non-Christian religions take up 5% of the population, this can be another reason of percieving Australia as secular, since no-religion is much more effective. However, with "no-religion" operating as a quarter of the Australian population, Christianity still dominates and expresses a larger outcome. Moreover, Australia adhere their democratic doctrine, despite their secular perspective in govermental procedures, religion in all theistic forms possess greater influence in Australia.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey, if you don't mind, is it alright if you mark this 5mark response, and place a mark out of 5 as well! 

Hey! Sure thing (also nice to see the glow tags being used ) take my mark with a grain of salt, especially since I don't have the question itself (the verb required can alter the approach slightly)

For some Australians, God is no longer important. Religion does not seem
attractive as the country is becoming increasingly secular

After 1973, conversely after the ending of the "White Australian policy", Australia has emerged into a multi-cultural country accompanying diverse faiths and cultures. Christianity had dominated the Australian population by 85%, but after 1973 due to immigration, religious conversion, disenchantment, the death of many Christian elders and modern development, it had tremendously decreased to a 64%. Not all of these things are 100% relevant here, be careful, you are discussing secularism! So, take away the things that are linking to other aspects and really give med detail on the secularist stuff - Particularly disenchantment, I need more there. This had accentuated "no-religion" to rise from a 15.5% to 22.3% of the population, justifying the conception of the "increasingly secular" country. Great statistic. Non-Christian religions take up 5% of the population, this can be another reason of percieving Australia as secular, since no-religion is much more effective. These are still religions, so this is irrelevant to secularism (unless you are arguing against it, but this isn't clear! However, with "no-religion" operating as a quarter of the Australian population, Christianity still dominates and expresses a larger outcome. Moreover, Australia adhere their democratic doctrine, despite their secular perspective in govermental procedures, religion in all theistic forms possess greater influence in Australia.
[/quote]

I would personally give this 3/5 (again, grain of salt)

You've included some good points and statistics here, which is great, but you are discussing a lot of things that don't relate to the prompt. Hone in on secularism, and try to justify why the statistics you have presented are what they are! Right now, the response has got some elements responding to secularism, but a lot is unnecessary (for example, increased prevalence of non-Christian religions doesn't relate to secularism)

Great work zaayxo!

[jamonwindeyer]

If anyone would be interested in marking my short answer responses for the 2013 SOR II paper, That would be awesome. Thanks so much Guys!!!

Hey! I'll give your Islam responses a mark since I know that tradition pretty well!

Question 4 Islam:
a) i. Outline the contribution to Islam of ONE significant person or school of
thought other than Muhammad and the Four Rightly Guided Caliphs: (Temple Puja)

Spoiler

Rabi'a al-Adawiyya is a significant Muslim who influenced the tradition of Islam to adopt certain aspects which made prodigious changes to the culture. As Islam, during the 1st Century was under turmoil, she restored peace and became and inspiration, trough how she lived her life. This involved praying and sleeping on a simple reed mat and engaging in philosophical disputes with men which was seen as an impressive act as Iraq was under domestic rule. Rabi'a was  a prime example of an Ascetic.

Mark 2.5/3
Comments: A solid response! But a little more detail is required on the contribution aspect, what "certain aspects" have resonated in the expression of modern Islam, for example? How is the contribution obvious?

ii. How effective has the significant person or school of thought identified
in part (a) (i) been in the development and/or expression of Islam?

Spoiler

Rabi'a  al-Adawiyya was a par of various culture changes which impacted the tradition of Islam. These included the teachings of fundamentals to her religion which was exemplified through her ascetic lifestyle. In  Rabi'as writings, she discussed devotional love towards Allah, spreading the message that he should be liked for his own sake. Surpassing the boundaries of women, Rabi'a engaged in discussions with males which were deemed appropriate. She proclaimed that "You must conceal your good deeds as you conceal your evil deads" as a way of elaborating the importance of doing good deeds but not talking about them explicitly.

Mark 3/6
Comments: Again, on the right track with what you are trying to do! However, in this one you are suffering from not addressing the verb correctly; you need to be evaluating! I'm looking for words which express your judgement (objectively/analytically) of the significance of the person. HOW MUCH did they effect the historical development of Islam? HOW MUCH is their impact seen in modern expression? I'm looking for more evaluative statements and more explicit links to development/expression, this answer is more a description of the life/works of the person.

b) Explain ethical teaching in Islam in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)

Spoiler

"To God belongs all that is on heavens and on earth" (Qur'an). Environmental Ethics is a compelling teaching in Islam which teaches adherents to love and care for the environment. All ethics derive from the Qur'an, where Muslims learn that "God has created the earth like a majestic palace". It is believed that despite the amount of waste produced from animals, as well as the death of species, the earth has the ability to clean itself to the point that this death and waste is not even visible. Green Muslims assist Adherents in caring for the environment by teaching about Inner and world Peace, and how those concepts brings Muslims closer to the environment.

Mark 4/6
Comments: Once again on the right track! This time I'm looking for a little more polish, a little more depth. Right now I'd say you are describing the teaching; I'm looking for more explanation. Where does it come from? What Islamic ethical principles are drawn upon to draw the conclusions you are talking about in your response? I love that I've got the Quran references in the responses, but is there anything else that you can use? Go back to first principles and examine the process of Islamic jurisprudence; where does the teaching come from?

I'll also add that, for a 6-marker, you'll likely need a little more than what you have right now for these responses. Not much more mind you! Right now they do just feel a tad bare bones

So yep, mostly small stuff! Definitely on the right track!

[BPunjabi]

Hey! I'll give your Islam responses a mark since I know that tradition pretty well!

Question 4 Islam:
a) i. Outline the contribution to Islam of ONE significant person or school of
thought other than Muhammad and the Four Rightly Guided Caliphs: (Temple Puja)

Spoiler

Rabi'a al-Adawiyya is a significant Muslim who influenced the tradition of Islam to adopt certain aspects which made prodigious changes to the culture. As Islam, during the 1st Century was under turmoil, she restored peace and became and inspiration, trough how she lived her life. This involved praying and sleeping on a simple reed mat and engaging in philosophical disputes with men which was seen as an impressive act as Iraq was under domestic rule. Rabi'a was  a prime example of an Ascetic.

Mark 2.5/3
Comments: A solid response! But a little more detail is required on the contribution aspect, what "certain aspects" have resonated in the expression of modern Islam, for example? How is the contribution obvious?

ii. How effective has the significant person or school of thought identified
in part (a) (i) been in the development and/or expression of Islam?

Spoiler

Rabi'a  al-Adawiyya was a par of various culture changes which impacted the tradition of Islam. These included the teachings of fundamentals to her religion which was exemplified through her ascetic lifestyle. In  Rabi'as writings, she discussed devotional love towards Allah, spreading the message that he should be liked for his own sake. Surpassing the boundaries of women, Rabi'a engaged in discussions with males which were deemed appropriate. She proclaimed that "You must conceal your good deeds as you conceal your evil deads" as a way of elaborating the importance of doing good deeds but not talking about them explicitly.

Mark 3/6
Comments: Again, on the right track with what you are trying to do! However, in this one you are suffering from not addressing the verb correctly; you need to be evaluating! I'm looking for words which express your judgement (objectively/analytically) of the significance of the person. HOW MUCH did they effect the historical development of Islam? HOW MUCH is their impact seen in modern expression? I'm looking for more evaluative statements and more explicit links to development/expression, this answer is more a description of the life/works of the person.

b) Explain ethical teaching in Islam in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)

Spoiler

"To God belongs all that is on heavens and on earth" (Qur'an). Environmental Ethics is a compelling teaching in Islam which teaches adherents to love and care for the environment. All ethics derive from the Qur'an, where Muslims learn that "God has created the earth like a majestic palace". It is believed that despite the amount of waste produced from animals, as well as the death of species, the earth has the ability to clean itself to the point that this death and waste is not even visible. Green Muslims assist Adherents in caring for the environment by teaching about Inner and world Peace, and how those concepts brings Muslims closer to the environment.

Mark 4/6
Comments: Once again on the right track! This time I'm looking for a little more polish, a little more depth. Right now I'd say you are describing the teaching; I'm looking for more explanation. Where does it come from? What Islamic ethical principles are drawn upon to draw the conclusions you are talking about in your response? I love that I've got the Quran references in the responses, but is there anything else that you can use? Go back to first principles and examine the process of Islamic jurisprudence; where does the teaching come from?

I'll also add that, for a 6-marker, you'll likely need a little more than what you have right now for these responses. Not much more mind you! Right now they do just feel a tad bare bones

So yep, mostly small stuff! Definitely on the right track!

Jamon your awesome... thats all I can say.. 

With the second response, If I just added verbs relating with evaluating to the start/end of sentences could it turn into a 4 or 5, or would I need more information.

Cheers man, the feedback helps heaps

[jamonwindeyer]

Jamon your awesome... thats all I can say.. 

With the second response, If I just added verbs relating with evaluating to the start/end of sentences could it turn into a 4 or 5, or would I need more information.

Cheers man, the feedback helps heaps

Adding evaluative words only and keeping the same flow would probably get you to about 4.5, but I'd have to see it in front of me definitely will want more detail to crack that 6/6 though

You are very welcome!

[BPunjabi]

Adding evaluative words only and keeping the same flow would probably get you to about 4.5, but I'd have to see it in front of me definitely will want more detail to crack that 6/6 though

You are very welcome!

Sorry one more question, Do they give half marks? Our CSSA paper did not have half marks in it?

[jamonwindeyer]

Sorry one more question, Do they give half marks? Our CSSA paper did not have half marks in it?

You are right! Nah, the HSC won't give them, but I find them helpful in giving feedback. If you get a half mark from me, you should probably round it up, because I'm normally told I'm a fairly tough marker (at least for English essays I am)

[BPunjabi]

You are right! Nah, the HSC won't give them, but I find them helpful in giving feedback. If you get a half mark from me, you should probably round it up, because I'm normally told I'm a fairly tough marker (at least for English essays I am)

 
3/3 .... !!!!

[zaayxo]

Thanks Jamon, you're awesome! I'll definately be revising my mistakes 

[ssarahj]

If anyone would be interested in marking my short answer responses for the 2013 SOR II paper, That would be awesome. Thanks so much Guys!!

Hey BPunjabi, sorry I totally missed this, I can give this a look over for you since I'm quite familiar with Buddhism (but just a warning I didn't study the specific ritual or ethic you've written about here, and obviously take the marks with a grain of salt  )

Question 1 Buddhism:
a) i. Outline one sig practice within Buddhism from the following: (Temple Puja)

Spoiler

One significant practice of Buddhism is temple puja, which involves celebrating and praying to Buddha at temples and monasteries. it involves worshipping, praying, lighting incense and preparing various symbolic items such as water. A bells also plays a symbolic part in temple puja, notifying adherents when it is time to pray.

Mark 2/3

Comments: This is a great basic outline, however I'd love to see some more specific detail to show the marker you know it inside out. So things like; how often does the practice occur? What is the water symbolic of? What are the bells symbolic of? Another couple of sentences maximum would really help to beef out this response!

ii. How significant for the Buddhist community is the practice identified in
part i: (Temple Puja)

Spoiler

Temple Puja is a significant part of Buddhism as it enables adherents to take part in worshipping their god, Buddha. In this practise, Buddhists provide offerings to the symbolic statues of Buddha found at Monasteries. These offerings include water which represents the purification of the mind and soul, candies providing a sense of enlightenment and flowers which represent thankfulness, respect and impermanence. Before a Buddhist enter the temple, They will take of their shoes as a sign of respect, then proceed to bowing to Buddha three times in the shrine room. As soon as Buddhists have touched their chest signifying mind, body and soul, they will recite the five precepts and three jewels as a way of praying. Buddhists then circle Buddha in the same motion in which the planets rotate around the sun.

Mark 3.5/6

Comments: Really solid outline once again, and I can see now that you left the symbolic details of the water for this answer. For a 6 mark question you should probably have a bit more detail and information and you can also afford to have a concluding sentence that ties your response together and focuses on the question. I think you could focus more on how this is significant for the Buddhist community, is it an opportunity to worship as a collective? Does it create a sense of belonging as Buddhists? Does it help to solidify their journeys towards enlightenment? Be cautious when calling Buddha a 'god'. Many Mahayana Buddhists worship the Buddha as a god-like figure, however Theravada Buddhists do not believe that the Buddha was a divine being at all. Also 'The Five Precepts' and 'The Three Jewels' deserve capitals 

b) Explain ethical teaching in Buddhism in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)

Spoiler

Environmental Ethics is a major component of Buddhist as Buddhists believe that the environment holds a cause and effect principal. Buddhists believe that all things exist by and interrelationship with other parts of nature, to think of ones self as isolated from the rest of nature. "Do not harm a living organism" is the first of the five precepts. Ashoka, a momentous Buddhist was known for forbidding the killing of animals for resources and also establishing hospitals for people and animals. Two groups, Green Sangha and Eco Buddhism strive for teaching Adherents about history whilst supporting Peace and care for the environment.

Mark 4/6

Comments: Once again for a 6 mark question I think you can afford to write more. Don't give the marker any reason not to give you 6/6!  You've got awesome examples and quotes here, they just need a little bit more detail and explanation to make it flow and avoid it sounding like dot points put together in a paragraph. For example, explain why the first Precept helps Buddhists to conserve the environment, it may seem obvious but its definitely worth explaining!


Overall great job, you've got a really solid foundation and you obviously know the content, its just about fleshing them out a bit to grab those top marks 

[zaayxo]

Guys this is my trials essay, not really fond about. Adding/Deleting on the essay would be much appreciated.

[elysepopplewell]

Guys this is my trials essay, not really fond about. Adding/Deleting on the essay would be much appreciated.

Hey there! To get a full piece marked, you'll need 15 ATAR Notes posts! If you don't think you'll reach it, I can give you a quick read and a comment if you think that would be helpful! It won't take much to get you to 15 posts, you're already asking and answering lots of questions Let me know what you would like