What am I doing wrong?

[remo14]

This is a paragraph from my passage analysis of Hamlet. To be exact the first paragraph.

Hamlet's histrionic responses to the pompous Polonius in passage one explores the cumulative effect of emotion with words. Hamlet's claim that Polonius is a 'fishmonger' causes his conscience to feel the suffering as his aside displays that he is preoccupied with Hamlet's embellished language. Hamlet's play on words of 'conception is a blessing but not as your daughter may conceive causes Polonius anguish due to his reputation being linked with his chaste daughter. This accentuates that although words pass through the air they seem to hit a spot in a person's mind. Polonius realises the power of 'words, words, words' coupled with passion when in he aside he states 'reason with sanity' could not deliver 'pregnant replies.' When Hamlet pretends to read how old men have grey beards it forces Polonius to realise his amoral state, further, causing Polonius to make his conscience a coward of him. Hence, Hamlet undermines Polonius without no direct action hintinh at the proverb 'actions being louder than words' not necessarily true since words go inside a person and open up their faults which leads to mental turmoil- small or big - as we see with Ophelia in passage two as she is severly damaged by Hamlet's strong words. Ultimately, Shakespeare informs us that rhetoric is as powerful and can be 'daggers to the ears'. 

[EvangelionZeta]

I think it's mostly the content.  It's hard to make an argument about rhetoric in relation to Hamlet here - the passage seems more concerned with madness, appearances, and deception/spycraft.