Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

September 14, 2025, 12:57:15 pm

Author Topic: Help with English essay for CONFLICT.  (Read 2297 times)  Share 

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

stupidfurther

  • Victorian
  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 22
  • Respect: -15
Help with English essay for CONFLICT.
« on: September 16, 2013, 12:15:49 am »
0
If someone would like to read, mark and comment on this, it would be greatly appreciated.

Through conflict, one either grows or is corrupted.

Throughout centuries and cultures, conflict has been both a growing and corrupting force in the lives of so many humans. Conflicts are as diverse as the humans that instigate them – not all conflict results in bloody war and thus conflict lies on a continuum that mirrors the diversity in humanity. Conflict’s growing and corrupting in people range, from the crooking of livelihood, to the vivid destruction of cities and towns. Our relationship with conflict contributes to our self-perceptions. How we deal with conflict moulds and shape us as a person. We can choose to learn from the adversities and hardships from conflict and grow as a result of it, or we can let conflict seize control of us, engulfing us and manipulating our minds and thoughts to become something more corrupting.

One can barely imagine the terror faced by the women, who, within the hysteria and panic of the Japanese bombing of Singapore, had their lives changed irrevocably. Humiliatingly ill-quipped to cope in the conflict they encountered upon being incarcerated in a Japanese Prisoner of War camp in Sumatra in Indonesia, they had to adjust quickly either through growth or to find themselves morally corrupted. The person who is the manifestation of inadequacy in the face of conflict is Mrs Roberts, the elderly British woman whose most important source of comfort and consolation was her small dog. Unfit, unable to swim and elderly, to be stripped away from her the comfort of her privileged life provides a stark example of the immense difficulties faced. It would be fair to conclude that she endured rather than grew or suffered from moral corruption. Weakened by the ravages of malaria, she remained grateful for the tender care offered by the companions including Susan, but was primarily helplessly consumed by a delirium.

When thrown into dire circumstances when a person’s life may be endangered can certainly cause their moral codes to be corrupted or at the very least, compromised, as they formulate plans that increase their chances of survival. Masquerading as a doctor seems the likely authentic identity of Dr Verstak who when questioned about such matters was suitably evasive. Nonetheless, one might argue instead that it was very resourceful of her, because it gave her access to medicine and cigarettes, and accorded her a status amongst her peers which the others could only gain through much better sacrifice. The greater sacrifice whereby other women were morally corrupted, of course, occurred when they complied with the offers to assume the role of comfort women as the “satin brigade”. However, they did so at the expense of their moral purity. Therefore, there will be circumstances when people encounter conflict, when they must make choices about what is negotiable, in a manner which they would never contemplate during the regular and peaceful rituals and routines of everyday life.

Victims of conflict, indeed, show us what is really important to facilitate a harmonious world. However, bystanders, and others who are not directly involved in the conflict, also can play a pivotal role. Yet the fear which inevitably comes with conflict often leaves bystanders stagnant and inactive. Indeed, as a result of our intrinsic fear of the unknown, we often prefer to avoid conflicts which we don’t understand rather than engage ourselves in its midst. In some cases, as the Syrian civil unrest shows, it is perhaps this fear which causes bystanders to remain impartial and disconnected from conflict. The current and ongoing civil war in Syria, a conflict between its government of Bashar al Assad and those revolting against it, primarily sparked by the government’s failure of long promised economic and political reforms, has far more key players than simply an oppressor and victim. Foreign powers, such as America, have been closely monitoring this struggle for power, yet their involvement to catalyse a resolution has been sporadic. As a result of this lack of conciliation, the human costs of the Syrian conflict have been truly devastating. United Nation estimates have been revealed that more than 1.5 million refugees have now fled Syria, and over 100,000 have been killed or brutally wounded. With these facts in mind, perhaps it is clear that often through conflict, people become more corrupted, as seen by the Syrian government and the millions of affected Syrian civilians and citizens. Either way, it is important that we, whether as bystanders or victims, take action to eliminate violent conflicts in our world, as action is the only remedy to indifference.

Comparatively, but in a different time frame and geographical location, Graham Greene’s anti-war novel The Quiet American articulates the interplay of destructive forces in the political and cultural cauldron that constituted Indochina – composed of Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam – at the outset of the Indochina war in the 1950s. The foreign intervention and consequential violence, which was inflicted by powerful international countries colonial France and democratic America, endangered Vietnam’s security and independence. In fact, there was such great military involvement in south-east Asia that there was a staggering 500,000 American troops in Vietnam fighting against the communist forces. And it was the impact on the victims of the conflict which proved most eye-opening, and simply cannot go unnoticed. The war, which escalated to the extent that even chemical had been utilised, wiped out defenceless villages and cost innocent fatalities. Thousands of innocent civilians were slaughtered. Yet despite this incredible Vietnamese turmoil at hand, the Vietnamese retaliated with relentless war tactics and the use of Napalm. All for a just and righteous cause – the independence and unity of an inimitable nation. The brave response of these victims of conflict to the oppression of Vietnam by such powerful foreign military intervention truly demonstrates the importance of resilience and determination when the odds of a conflict seem stacked against you. This example epitomises that one can either grow during times of conflict(the Japanese victims) or one can become corrupted (France and America). It is this commendable never-say-die attitude demonstrated by victims of conflict which exudes greatness, and a quality which should be emulated by onlookers.

Indeed, the women in Paradise Road and other victims of conflict provide profound insight into conflict’s ability to be both a growing and corrupting force. Whether those involved experience growth or corruption through the resolution of conflict is an indication of both the strength of an individual and conflict’s potential to cause harm. On a wider ground, those not directly involved –merely bystanders- also can influence a conflict, and act as an important mechanism for resolution and progression. We must take a responsibility for the struggles of our world, for the struggles of conflicted victims, because we are always involved, in some form or another, and ultimately take a stand to enrich humanity.

stupidfurther

  • Victorian
  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 22
  • Respect: -15
Re: Help with English essay for CONFLICT.
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2013, 08:27:59 pm »
0
someone please help  :(

jeanweasley

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 683
  • Trust only in yourself
  • Respect: +73
  • School: SHGC
  • School Grad Year: 2013
Re: Help with English essay for CONFLICT.
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2013, 10:37:57 pm »
+1
If someone would like to read, mark and comment on this, it would be greatly appreciated.

Through conflict, one either grows or is corrupted.

Throughout centuries and culturestwo many c words in succession - it doesn't read well, conflict has been both a growing and corrupting force in the lives of so many humans. Intro sentence is a little clumsy. 'Growing' and 'corrupting' force sounds awkward.Conflicts are as diverse as the humans that instigate them – not all conflict results in bloody war and thus conflict lies on a continuum that mirrors the diversity in humanity.Kind of sounds pretentious plus the repetition of the word 'conflict' makes the reader wonder just what it is. Definition of conflict needs to be apparent. Conflict’s growing and corrupting in people range, from the crooking of livelihood, to the vivid destruction of cities and towns. Our relationship with conflict contributes to our self-perceptions. How we deal with conflict moulds and shape us as a person. We can choose to learn from the adversities and hardships from conflict and grow as a result of it, or we can let conflict seize control of us, engulfing us and manipulating our minds and thoughts to become something more corrupting.There is a general sense of idea here but it sounds too pedestrian. Ideas need to be well constructed. Voice keeps changing from an omniscient narration to an inclusive one.

One can barely imagine the terror faced by the women, who, within the hysteria and panic of the Japanese bombing of Singapore, had their lives changed irrevocably. I don't know what you're trying to say here Humiliatingly ill-quipped to cope in the conflict they encountered upon being incarcerated in a Japanese Prisoner of War camp in Sumatra in Indonesia, they had to adjust quickly either through growth or to find themselves morally corrupted. what does morally corrupted mean? How does this reflect the prompt?The person who is the manifestation of inadequacy what does this mean?in the face of conflict is Mrs Roberts, the elderly British woman whose most important source of comfort and consolation was her small dog. Too many ideas in the one sentence, what are you actually trying to say?Unfit, unable to swim and elderly, to be stripped away from her the comfort of her privileged life provides a stark example of the immense difficulties faced. It would be fair to conclude that she endured rather than grew or suffered from moral corruption. Sentences start with a stringing phrase that ends with a comma and is repeated multiple times. Eg. Humiliatingly ill equipped...Indonesia and then Unfit,unable to swim and elderly,. Sentences sound awkward as if they're made to be complex but they just lose meaning. Don't substitute a thesaurus for good ideas. Weakened by the ravages of malaria, she remained grateful for the tender care offered by the companions including Susan, but was primarily helplessly consumed by a delirium. This paragraph devoted to an example doesn't really explore how conflict can help one grow or destroy them. Plus the definition of corruption and growth needs to be discussed in the intro and the first paragraph. Writing is unclear and unbearable to read at times. There are too many hanging sentences that don't make sense: too many ideas in the one sentence. Sentence length and structure also need to be varied.

When thrown into dire circumstances when a person’s life may be endangered can certainly cause their moral codes to be corrupted or at the very least, compromised, as they formulate plans that increase their chances of survival.Sentence is too long and doesn't make sense. When is repeated twice and doesn't read smoothly. Masquerading as a doctor seems the likely authentic identity of Dr Verstak who when questioned about such matters was suitably evasive. Nonetheless, one might argue instead that it was very resourceful of her, because it gave her access to medicine and cigarettes, and accorded her a status amongst her peers which the others could only gain through much better sacrifice. The greater sacrifice whereby other women were morally corrupted, of course, occurred when they complied with the offers to assume the role of comfort women as the “satin brigade”. However, they did so at the expense of their moral purity. Therefore, there will be circumstances when people encounter conflict, when they must make choices about what is negotiable, in a manner which they would never contemplate during the regular and peaceful rituals and routines of everyday life.


Okay, I'm really having trouble reading this, it sounds too pretentious, no offence. It's like you substituted your ideas for a thesaurus. I think you have some good ideas but they need to be written simply and explored. Evidence employed aren't properly addressed and there is insufficient relevant discussion of it in relation to the prompt. The conclusion also sound like a text response instead of a context piece.
« Last Edit: September 24, 2013, 08:29:07 am by jeanweasley »
2014: BA @ Monash University
2015: LLB(Hons)/BA @ Monash University

DetteAmelie

  • Guest
Re: Help with English essay for CONFLICT.
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2013, 11:43:13 pm »
0
Okay, I agree with most of the criticism given by Jean. I didn't read over your entire essay, but I skimmed through it quickly.
Your essay lacks direction and I don't believe you've clearly and coherently addressed the prompt. Read over your essay.......then read over it again...and again and again. Another thing is that your body paragraphs need a lot of work.  I really think that you need to work on structuring your essay, because your ideas are all over the place, so a great way to combat this is to simply adopt a text response structure. In this case, I don't think it's effective to start off with evidence, you need to contextualise your ideas. Start off with a topic sentence which directly explains your idea and then go into an in depth explanation of this idea (UNPACK IT) and follow it with an example. Additionally, you need to work on simplifying your word choice - it's extremely complex and difficult to follow.
« Last Edit: September 23, 2013, 11:49:32 pm by Floraison »

stupidfurther

  • Victorian
  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 22
  • Respect: -15
Re: Help with English essay for CONFLICT.
« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2013, 11:43:40 pm »
+1
Okay, I'm really having trouble reading this, it sounds too pretentious, no offence. It's like you substituted your ideas for a thesaurus. I think you have some good ideas but they need to be written simply and explored. Evidence employed aren't properly addressed and there is insufficient relevant discussion of it in relation to the prompt. The conclusion also sound like a text response instead of a context piece.

Let's see how I went in the SAC then.   8)

Billion

  • Victorian
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 234
  • Respect: +19
Re: Help with English essay for CONFLICT.
« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2013, 11:46:16 pm »
0
^ Loving the confidence mate. You tell 'em.

jeanweasley

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 683
  • Trust only in yourself
  • Respect: +73
  • School: SHGC
  • School Grad Year: 2013
Re: Help with English essay for CONFLICT.
« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2013, 09:31:57 am »
0
Let's see how I went in the SAC then.   8)

I echo Billion's comment but I also worry for your attitude in receiving criticism.
2014: BA @ Monash University
2015: LLB(Hons)/BA @ Monash University

stupidfurther

  • Victorian
  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 22
  • Respect: -15
Re: Help with English essay for CONFLICT.
« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2013, 07:39:51 pm »
0
I echo Billion's comment but I also worry for your attitude in receiving criticism.

Sorry for the late reply.

Got 45/50 for the SAC. Teacher liked it, but said conclusion was disappointing and I should work on the expression of my conclusion. She's probably right. How can I improve my conclusion? I'm thinking of writing a similar essay for my exam.