Need Feedback on Oral Presentation

[Pinkysmech]

Please give me a "/10" rating on my oral presentation or simply just feedback on how to improve my essay.. Any feedback good or bad will help, thanks   
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Have we contributed enough in Australian Foreign Aid for other countries?

Australian Foreign Aid has been a prominent topic debated among not only in Australian politics, by Australian people but also discussed by international leaders as they too have a Foreign Aid system in place. Some believe that Foreign aid is not paramount; maybe they are blinded by ignorance because Foreign aid covers Health care, education, ensuring rights and disaster preparation when supposedly needed. Do we not want to see a world where people everywhere can enjoy good health? I believe that persisting Australian Foreign Aid should be our top priority. In return, we can begin to see fallen countries rebuilt and plenty more grateful people for what Australia has done for them.
Australia’s Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade aid program aims to help developing countries reduce poverty and achieve further development. There is a reason that “foreign aid” even existed in the first place, it’s because somewhere around the world, help is desperately needed. The definition of help is to give assistance but it is not a mandatory act, where as the word “Aid” translates to help except it’s of practical nature. There are different classifications or types of aids which are Medical, educational, agriculture, environmental, human rights support and monetary.  Monetary aid, relating to money or currency, are most common when countries are affected by natural disasters such as medical are given for  problems such as healthcare bills, Education aid for child start up elementary school fees and Agriculture aid for growing crops and food. Foreign aid also comes for Environmental such as keeping the area clean and Human rights like giving girls equal rights and same opportunities that boys have.  When we take Foreign Aid into account; we shouldn’t even give it a second thought because every second that passes could very well be a life lost. Some argue that we should not waste tax payer’s money on other country’s affairs but that is a silly statement because lives are different. We can gamble with money, but we should never gamble with people’s lives.

Since Foreign aid is automatically funded by the government with taxpayer’s money, shouldn’t we also consider about the opinions from civilians at home? As a civilian and a citizen, we represent our nation’s status. We elect our own governments in democratic elections, and the government is our voice united. Living as a person in a well-established country with a stable economy, we should have morals and rights. Should we be ignorant to the rights and needs of suffering families in other countries that are in need because of natural disasters, poverty and corruption? No, so why is half of the world capable of handling itself when disaster strikes and the other with even nothing to lose? How do some people bare to stare into the eyes of hungry children in third world countries and sympathise but no action is taken whatsoever. I have agreed to what Edward Bulwer-Lytton has stated, it is that “A good heart is better than all the heads in the world”, a brilliant mind is worthless without a caring heart. I believe that spending money on a smile is more important than wasting it on unnecessary possessions. A survey hosted by the United Nations Children’s Fund in Australia undertaken by 1043 Australian youths, are representatives of a new generation of Australians. The survey shows that 75% of respondents refer to themselves as extremely or very interested in Aid with 74.2% believe that we are not giving enough aid. In this sense, only 3.3% have said that we are helping too much and others stood ground that we are giving enough. Believe it or not, Australia is only ranked at 13th for Foreign Aid distribution and our Money towards it only stands towards 0.5% of our country’s reserves.  Chief executive of world vision Australia, Tim Costello, claimed during the election campaign that 450,000 lives would be lost as result of the Coalition's proposal to cut Australia's projected foreign aid budget by $4.5 billion. It is very fortunate that Australia still proposes to carry out Foreign Aid; How the Coalition will sleep at night knowing that they have murdered 450 thousand lives simply by slashing the Aid Fund.
People additionally argue that "We should not help at all because we have a big debt from past international conflicts. If Australia participates in foreign aid globally, it may strengthen the bond of ally countries or can even be the horizon for a new ally country because of our nation’s generosity and service. This in return dismisses previous grudges held against the country and may establish a gesture of friendship and truce.  Phil McGraw, who also known as Dr Phil, mentioned “We teach people how to treat us." and this applies to foreign countries. Anything is possible, natural disasters, terrorism or in an unlike hood of events in an economic downturn. Helping other countries may be a reminder for them to return the favour. Australia’s overseas aid program aims to assist as many developing countries to reduce poverty and achieve sustainable development, in line with Australia's national interest which can lead to becoming steady trading partners.

Furthermore it should not be about helping a nation because of its relationship or just because it is an allied country, help should be given always when needed as it is the only logical objective when in need. Isn’t Australia all about giving everyone a “fair go”? Australia’s Number one breakfast show, ‘sunrise’, has posted up the improvements and positive impacts our current foreign aid has given over the past 40 years: Average life expectancy in developing countries has increased by 20 years, adult illiteracy has decreased by 50% and the number of people living in poverty has fallen by 200 million since 1980.  Not only that but it should also be as a result of helping individuals who are suffering within the nation itself, even sometimes; their government’s actions cannot be held accountable towards the people as some may disapprove. All thoughts of hatred and grievance should be tossed aside. Forget what that country had done and remember that their people are also humans like us; they have as much rights to live as we do.

Also not so long ago, November the 8th, distress came from the Philippines during the Impact of Typhoon Haiyan. The Typhoon was a class 5 super typhoon and was a particularly powerful typhoon that ravaged portions of South-East Asia but mainly in the central Philippines. 6241 people are confirmed dead and 1785 missing, total damage waged approximately 1.5 in US dollars. By then, sympathy has reached from all corners of the world and support was on its way. Starvation was also underway for hundreds and thousands of Filipinos, China was called to action, plunged into their 3.7 Trillion dollars of currency reserves and only turned up with a miserly 100 thousand dollars. Soon it was re-instated to 16 Million flared up by international outcry and disgrace, China ought to up its pledge but the damage was already done. The image of China was slightly battered by global new coverage and after South Korean figure skater Kim Yu-Na herself gave a 100 thousand. This shows how important Foreign Aid can become, just by being generous people favour you because; nothing comes out of stinginess especially not satisfaction and pride. Like Anthony J. D’Angelo once mentioned “Build your reputation by helping others build theirs” 

[literally lauren]

Please give me a "/10" rating on my oral presentation or simply just feedback on how to improve my essay.. Any feedback good or bad will help, thanks   
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Have we contributed enough in Australian Foreign Aid for other countries?

Australian Foreign Aid has been a prominent topic debated among not only in Australian politics, by Australian people but also discussed by international leaders as they too have a Foreign Aid system in place just some minor redundancies here, though sometimes its enough to annoy assessors. Some believe that Foreign aid careful or repeating key words to often; find synonyms like assistance, support, etc is not paramount; maybe they are [/b]it'll make your argument stronger if you're not underminig it with maybe or perhaps. Try instead: 'but such people must surely be...'[/b] blinded by ignorance because Foreign aid covers Health care, education, ensuring rights and disaster preparation when supposedly are you suggesting it isn't? needed. Do we not want to see a world where people everywhere can enjoy good health? I believe that persisting Australian Foreign Aid should be our top priority. In return, we can begin to see fallen countries rebuilt and plenty more grateful people for what Australia has replace with 'can' to imply the listeners are responsible for the future, it's more emphatic do for them. excellent appeal to patriotism, and pride
Australia’s Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade aid program aims to help developing countries reduce poverty and achieve further development. There is a reason that “foreign aid” even existed in the first place: it’s because somewhere around the world, help is always desperately needed. The definition of help is to give assistance but it is not a mandatory act, where as the word “Aid” translates to help except it’s of practical nature. okay I see what you're trying to say, but it's a bit convoluted. You're using 'whereas' but you're not contrasting anything. Try: 'The provision of aid is not a mandatory act, but its benefits far outweigh the costs.' There are different classifications or types of aids which are Medical, educational, agriculture, environmental, human rights support and monetary.  Monetary aid, relating to money or currency, are most common when countries are affected by natural disasters such as medical are given for  problems such as healthcare bills, Education aid for child start up elementary school fees and Agriculture aid for growing crops and food. Foreign aid also comes for Environmental such as is also distributed in the form of Environmental improvement; for instance keeping the area what areas? ie. public or residential etc. clean and through the promotion of Human rights like giving girls equal rights and same opportunities that boys have.  When we take Foreign Aid into account; we shouldn’t even give it a second thought because every second that passes could very well be a life lost. Some argue that we should not waste tax payer’s payers' (plural and possessive, if it belongs to lots of people the apostrophe goes after the 's') money on other country’s affairs but that is a silly chose a more damning word here, like 'irrational' or 'inhumane' statement because lives are different again, needs something stronger like: 'a far more important matter'. We can gamble with money, but we should never gamble with people’s lives. very good
Since Foreign aid is automatically funded by the government with taxpayer’s money, shouldn’t we also consider about the opinions from civilians at home? of Australian civilians? As a civilian and a citizen, we represent our nation’s status. We elect our own governments in democratic elections, and the government is our voice united. Yes, but not entirely relevant, don't tell the audience what they already know Living as a person in a well-established country with a stable economy, we should have morals and rights. Should we be ignorant to the rights and needs of suffering families in other countries that are in need because of natural disasters, poverty and corruption? No, so why is half of the world capable of handling itself when disaster strikes and the other with even nothing to lose? How do some people bare to stare into the eyes of hungry children in third world countries and sympathise but no action is taken whatsoever? I have agreed to what Edward Bulwer-Lytton has stated, it is that As Edward Bulwer-Lytton one said (just a more sophisticated way of saying it)“A good heart is better than all the heads in the world”, a brilliant mind is worthless without a caring heart. I believe that spending money on a smile is more important than wasting it on unnecessary possessions. A survey hosted by the United Nations Children’s Fund in Australia undertaken by 1043 Australian youths; representatives of a new generation of Australians, shows that 75% of respondents refer to themselves as extremely or very interested in Aid with 74.2% believe that we are not giving enough aid. In this sense, only 3.3% have said that we are helping too much and others stood ground that we are giving enough. Believe it or not, Australia is only ranked at 13th for Foreign Aid distribution and our Money towards it only stands towards 0.5% of our country’s reserves.  Chief executive of world vision Australia, Tim Costello, claimed during the election campaign that 450,000 lives would be lost as result of the Coalition's proposal to cut Australia's projected foreign aid budget by $4.5 billion. It is very fortunate that Australia still proposes to carry out Foreign Aid; How the Coalition will sleep at night knowing that they couldhave murdered 450 thousand lives simply by slashing the Aid Fund?
People additionally argue that Yet some people still believe that"We should not help at all because we have a big debt from past international conflicts. However,If Australia participates in foreign aid globally, it may strengthen the bond of ally countries or can even be the horizon for a new ally country because of our nation’s generosity and service. This in return dismisses previous grudges held against the country and may establish a gesture of friendship and truce.  This could have very positive effects on Australia's reputation, and earn back much of our generous spending in years to come (this just makes your dismissal of other people's monetary concerns stronger)Phil McGraw*, who is also known as Dr Phil, mentioned “We teach people how to treat us." and this applies to foreign countries. Excellent quote placement; I'd take it one step further with a rhetorical question: How would we as Australians feel if a natural disaster or terrorist attack should occur on our soil, and we were abandoned by our allies and fellow countries, simply because they cared too much about their own domestic budgets?Anything is possible, natural disasters, terrorism or in an unlike hood of events in an economic downturn. Helping other countries may be a reminder for them to return the favour. Australia’s overseas aid program aims to assist as many developing countries to reduce poverty and achieve sustainable development, in line with Australia's national interest which can lead to becoming steady trading partners.

Furthermore it should not be about helping a nation because of its relationship or just because it is an allied country, help should be given always when needed as it is the only logical objective when in need. our concerns should not be limited to helping other countries for political reasons; as this is a humanitarian issue it requires a humanitarian approach (just rewording here)Isn’t Australia all about giving everyone a “fair go”? *Australia’s Number one breakfast show, ‘sunrise’, has posted up the improvements and positive impacts our current foreign aid has given over the past 40 years: Average life expectancy in developing countries has increased by 20 years, adult illiteracy has decreased by 50% and the number of people living in poverty has fallen by 200 million since 1980.  Not only that but it should also be as a result of helping individuals who are suffering within the nation itself, even sometimes; their government’s actions cannot be held accountable towards the people as some may disapprove. meaning unclearAll thoughts of hatred and grievance should be tossed aside. Forget what that country had done and remember that their people are also humans like us; they have as much rights to live as we do. We should be able to disregard a foreign government's past actions for the sake of helping those in need, for they are entitled to the same rights as all of us.

Also not so long ago, November the 8th, distress came from the Philippines during the Impact of Typhoon Haiyan. The Typhoon was a class 5 super typhoon and was a particularly powerful typhoon that ravaged portions of South-East Asia but mainly in the central Philippines. 6241 people are wereconfirmed dead and 1785 missing,with those who survived now facing starvation, total damage waged was estimated atapproximately 1.5 million? billion?in US dollars. By then, sympathy has reached from all corners of the world and support was on its way. Starvation was also underway for hundreds and thousands of Filipinos, China was called to action, plunged into their 3.7 Trillion dollars of currency reserves and only turned up with a miserly 100 thousand dollars. Soon it was re-instated to 16 Million flared up by international outcry and disgrace, China ought to up its pledge Though China eventually did the right thing the damage was already done. The image of China as portrayed by global new coverage was one of humiliation and selfishness.and after South Korean figure skater Kim Yu-Na herself gave a 100 thousand. This shows how important Foreign Aid is, just by being generous people favour you because; nothing comes out of stinginess especially not satisfaction and prideour generosity will secure a better global reputation, and contribute to our national pride, whereas our petty greed will benefit no one.. Like Anthony J. D’Angelo once mentioned “Build your reputation by helping others build theirs”

Overall, this could make a very good speech. Obviously the mark is going to come down to your speaking ability, but based on content alone I'd say you'r hovering on a 6/7. If you can speak confidently and fluently, this could rise as high as a 9, but there are some syntax and structural issues holding you back. Your appeals are well placed and not overdone; same with the quotes. There are some minor punctuation/ capitalisation errors that I did not correct since I assume you don't have to hand this in as an essay? In terms of delivery, will you write all this out on cue cards and read verbatim, or memorise it beforehand and just use written reminders? Obviously the latter is more impressive to markers but if you're more comfortable reading then that's okay.
There are some instances I've *ed which you could open up for a little humor or quip. It's totally optional, and only really if you have some friends in your english class who can laugh politely so it's not awkward :p (eg. "Phil McGraw, or 'Dr. Phil' to fans of daytime tv like myself" or "Sunrise took a break from its lighthearted morning news and weather report stunts to share some statistics...") I don't know if you want to risk it, but if it pays off you'll get good marks for knowing your audience
If you really want to elevate your work, try to improve your vocab and language. This is best done throughout the year, do don't go replacing every word with a big word for the sake of sounding impressive. Particularly for the oral, it's better to use language you are comfortable with than try to cram in 'smart words' But when it comes to the exam, your quality of writing will make a lot of difference in determining your mark.
I feel like I've been too negative :p Honestly there is a lot of good work here, your content is well researched, but you haven't bombarded the audience with facts, you certainly know how to appeal to emotions and patriotism, and your use of rhetorical questions is effective (and not overdone, as are most peoples')
Hope it all goes well for you, please PM if anything didn't make sense of you need any more help
Good luck!

[Pinkysmech]

^ Thanks alot for your feeback Lauren, i hope i do well xD It will be the first SAC for my year 12 hehehe. Achieving a 9 will be awesome and it might help me to achieve a 35+ studyscore in english i will be practicing on my speaking and be well prepared before the speech 

[cute]

I'd say about a 6. I will come back to this thread and write feedback here a little later, this is on my 'to-mark' list