Owen challenges societal norms bit cliche, and you use this phrase later anyway. Consider synonyms or a more specific word for what he is challenging largely through his considered use of stylistic choices. In the poem 'Dulce Et Decorum Est', he uses a twisted form of iambic pentameter in which several lines defy the typical rule of 10 syllables each. This shattering of poetic norms is representative of the tearing down of traditional thought structures, namely the notion that 'Dulce et decorum est/Pro patria mori' (it is sweet and right to die for one's country), a belief widely held by the public during the first World War due to the prevalence of pro-war propaganda perpetuated by poets such as Jessie Pope. His divergence from the standard conventions of poetry echoes the iconoclastic stance Owen deftly asserts in the final stanza, describing this notion as 'the old Lie.' His capitalisation of 'Lie' almost personifies the idea, implying that it has permeated society's collective psyche to such an extent that is has essentially taken on a tangible form. excellent analysis, but this is the part where I say 'you need to link it back to the prompt'...
I don't say this often, but it sounds like a Lit. essay. Usually people have the opposite problem: lit work sounding too englishy. But this is dealing too much with structural features and not enough with what the poem is
about. Your commentary on poetic devices, and the deconstruction at a work level is good, but there was not a single mention of themes or characters. Even though the latter can be hard in poetry, it's what you have to do for English. eg. for this poem: the speaker is a soldier reflecting on the abject misery and terror of war, juxtaposing the undignified suffering and death of men with the quixotic idea that 'it is sweet and right to die for one's country.'
It is also quite short, which is fine, but you'll need about 5 or 6 of these as opposed to 3/4 longer ones. But if this works better for you don't worry. So long as you explore the ideas in enough depth, it's not an issue.
I think the problem is you're writing without a prompt; this can actually be bad practice as you'll get used to letting your ideas take you where they will, but relevance is one of the primary criteria. Try to work around a prompt, even if it's a basic one like 'Wilfred Owen’s poetry evokes the obscene horrors and senselessness of war.'
Once you shift you're focus you'll be fine. You have a good control of language and your vocabulary is impressive. Don't be worried about English
Maybe read some sample essays as that should give you an idea of what's required. At this stage, if you don't feel you're ready to write full essays then keep reading and taking notes instead of forcing out paragraphs. Writing isn't the only way to study, there are some really good analyses of Owen's work (both VCE and otherwise.) Or maybe just work on the poems and annotate links between the different ones. It really impresses examiners when you can weave your discussion in and out of multiple parts of the text as opposed to focusing on a single one or two.
Also, point of interest, Pat Barker wrote a brilliant trilogy called Regeneration about the toll war takes on the poets. It's really worth reading, even if it's not entirely factual. Just for those days when you need to get away from the text but feel guilty for not studying
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