Hey! I am a 3/4 English tutor and help people out around the forum, but this thread is being setup specifically for the before + after language analysis pieces that I correct. If people PM me with work to be corrected/the students I tutor send me work, I post the original and edit versions here (anonymously of course!!) This helps lots of people improve by learning from other people's mistakes! Feel free to let me know what you think of my corrections and things you might have done differently yourself. Keep working hard, English is definitely worth it.
_________________________________________________
Piece 1
ORIGINAL: In order to convey his point of the issue, Barnes introduces the technique of appeal to reason and logic, further complemented by the use of rhetorical questions. He cleverly combines these two techniques together – ‘When it rains now, is it a good idea to put out more than one bucket? Yes, of course. You catch more water that way. Right so two dams must mean twice as much water when it does rain’, this positions the reader to agree as the answer is embedded into the rhetorical question as well as influencing the reader into common sense. Therefore, aligning the reader to feel as thought the writer is right and hence agree that the ‘no-dams policy’ is shocking.
Okay, so let's see if we can improve this! You have looked at the right parts of the text, but the analysis can be stronger. Tell me what you think about the following paragraph:
CORRECTIONS: In order to convey his point of the issue (The whole article is portraying his point of the issue, scratch this), Barnes introduces the technique of appeal to reason and logic (at Year 12 VCE level, identifying techniques is NOT language analysis, it is language labelling, see the new paragraph below), further complemented by the use of rhetorical questions. He cleverly combines these two techniques together – ‘When it rains now, is it a good idea to put out more than one bucket? Yes, of course. You catch more water that way. Right so two dams must mean twice as much water when it does rain’, (BLOCK QUOTES are NOT ANALYSIS, the assessor can read the article, I want you to unpack the individual words) this positions the reader (it SEEKS to position the reader, it INVITES the reader, you can't be absolutist in your language) to agree as the answer is embedded into the rhetorical question as well as influencing the reader into common sense. (Which word is indicating common sense? What is the tone of language that implies it is rational? Back up your labels!) Therefore, aligning the reader to feel as thought the writer is right and hence agree that the ‘no-dams policy’ is shocking.
Okay, so let's see if we can improve this! You have looked at the right parts of the text, but the analysis can be stronger.
FINAL VERSION:
Barnes primarily seeks to construct himself as a credible and rational observer of this issue. (Intent, topic sentence, now show me the text examples!) He does this through the use of affirming language such as "yes, of course," and "this must mean..." when setting up a seemingly difficult problem for the reader to solve. (Examples are set up. Notice they are tiny chunks, block quotes don't get points, but individual word analyses do... so now break each word down!) The monosyllabic, imperative verb "must" seeks to confine the reader to one viewpoint. This in turn seeks to characterise Barnes as the only credible source on the issue, in comparison to the opposition he is discrediting. Implicitly, through offering this solution, not only does he attempt to demonstrate his capacity to rationally solve the problems of this reader's world, he undermines opposing viewpoints more strongly by establishing this exclusive credibility. (Three sentences off two words; intention, tone of these words, reader reaction) Compounded with the phrase, "of course", Barnes seeks to affirm to readers that he is capable of protecting their interests. The connotations of the comforting nature of this phrase as well as the sense of finality that it implies, seeks to build this credibility even further. Finally... (You would need one more example to complete this paragraph and thus would have dealt with the author's language to self-characterise)
_________________________________________________
Piece Two
_________________________________________________
Keep your forum posts and PMs coming! Ask questions here also, tell me what helps and what doesn't, we're all in the same boat as it is, I'm happy to help where I can.
Home
Help
Search
Login
