Feedback/advice would be most helpful!! Creative- Life of Galileo. THANK YOU

[ej.wilton]

Any corrections/feedback would be fabulous!! Harsh is good!! Thank you to anyone who gets back to me:)

Prompt: Truth is at the root of conflict

Look at him over there, sitting on an old purple chair looking patiently out the window. Not waiting for anything but seconds, minutes, hours, days to go by. It never used to be like this. He raises his hand slowly up towards his face and presses his cold fingers against the side of his head, moves them down towards his bearded chin, contemplating nothing but thoughts. It’s too late to take action now. His eyes squint slightly as he tries to get a better look out the window, but his blurred vision again takes victory; unable to see past his own uncontrollable thoughts. He looks slowly down towards his chest watching his belly slowly rise and fall, wishing things would be different. His lips tighten slightly, as he questions the needs of others. Why must rely on their religious beliefs to sustain tem in life? It is truth that may have benefited society.


Bertolt Bretchs Life of Galileo explores whether the uncovering of truth would have done more harm or good to society. The scientific pursuit of knowledge against the dogmatic adherence to traditional beliefs and time-honored theories causes great friction in the text. Although Galileo’s discoveries may have lead to uproar with the church, the long-term impact is demonstrated as a beneficial necessity by Galileo, as nothing but action will change the current corrupt state of society. In the text, The Little Monk admits to Galileo that he has give up his research into astronomy, fearing “the potential dangers for humanity in wholly unrestricted research”. He believes that pursuit of the truth will ultimately undermine humanities beliefs and thereby deprive them of the comforts of their faith in religion. The Little Monks speaks of peasants and his poor parents, who are reassured in their suffering as “Gods eye is always on them that the whole drama of the world is constructed around them”. Yet their suffering would no longer be justifiable under the new truths of Galileo. The working class essentially live to work and are driven by the prospect of being rewarded in heaven. Tearing this belief system away from them may draw anger and disgust with the development of society. Though the uncovering of truth may lead to an immediate discontented affect, in the long-term the pursuit of truth may ultimately benefit all people through improved living standards. No matter what short-term consequences, society’s awareness of the truth is a necessity; the adherence to traditional beliefs in the face of truth will only lead to greater implications if left covered in the future.



The old mans hand returns to his forehead, his elbow sinking deeply into the cushioned chair. He begins munching his bottom lip, clenched fists; knuckles burning white with the anger of suffering. Greatly saddened of his past actions. However at the time of his forced silence, there was not a single word he could speak, not a single action he could take to say or do anything about it. The tips of his thinning fingers press deeply into his withering skin as he closes his tired eyes. The damage of hiding the truth, living forever knowing that he betrayed his profession has caused nothing but extreme internal anguish. He leans backwards weakly into the chair. His knees separate and he lowers his head accepting this ongoing internal defeat. Would ‘the instruments of torture’ threatened upon him be worse than this current state of this internal destruction? Though once a warning from a fellow scientist wasn't going to stop him from holding back from revealing truth, the suppressive authorities coercing his motives certainly were. Now he confronts nothing but regret. A woman enters the room, delivering a small tray of dinner to the elderly man. She places her smooth hand on his shoulder and upturns her lips slightly with a hopeful smile, knowing the difficulty that the man before her faces. Her eyebrows press together and move towards her hairline, expressing nothing but concern, before squeezes his shoulder and returns to out the door.


Not only does hiding a possibly inconvenient truth have implications for the wider society; it can play a deep internal role in the development and continuation of an individual. They may then struggle to face the consequences and reality of their own past actions and truth. Galileo believes that he ‘betrayed [his] profession’ in the face of authority, which causes him great internal anguish and torture. As a result of his recantation, Galileo berates himself for the damage that he believes he has caused to science itself, allowing himself to “be brought to heel by self-interested rulers”. He also allows himself to think that he has impeded the important development of science, leaving the human race lost “in a pearly haze of superstition…too ignorant to develop its own powers”. Though the Discorsi was finally smuggled across the border, this did not stop Galileo from facing the torture of personal truth- he was simply scared of “facing physical pain.” However, the actions of powerful individuals around Galileo truly had greater control over him and it is not always up to individuals to determine their own truth. No matter whether truth is revealed or kept undisclosed, either way it will lead to conflict. This may be internal through the suffering of going against personal beliefs or have an impact on society overall as they struggle in the face of change. Beliefs, attitudes and ideas of characters in Life of Galileo will all determine what they fight for, yet sometimes expressing the truth is out of our control.

[heids]

Any corrections/feedback would be fabulous!! Harsh is good!! Dunno if this is harsh, it probably is... so I hope you truly think so! Thank you to anyone who gets back to me:) You're welcome... this isn't awesome feedback as I never did creatives but hopefully still helpful

Prompt: Truth is at the root of conflict

Look at him over there, sitting on an old purple chair looking patiently out the window. Not waiting for anything but seconds, minutes, hours, days to go by. It never used to be like this. It's a very simple start, but I believe its effectiveness is its very simplicity and slowness.  I like. He raises his hand slowly up towards his face and presses his cold fingers against the side of his head, moves them down towards his bearded chin <---idk, things like this feel a bit 'boring'.  They don't add anything to your point, and in a short creative piece your descriptions need more 'dash' to catch the reader's interest.  Nothing inherently wrong with it, but could be expressed more interestingly or just cut out.  Spending half the piece describing the movement of fingers (seems somewhat of an obsession of the piece) isn't exciting, unless you have a motif woven in that I don't know because I don't know your text.  Although, I suppose you could be doing slow lingering description to give a sense of his wrecked hopelessness?  whatever you do, have an intentional reason for it. , contemplating nothing but thoughts. It’s too late to take action now. His eyes squint slightly as he tries to get a better look out the window, but his blurred vision again takes victory; unable to see past his own uncontrollable thoughts. but his poor vision, blurred with uncontrollable thoughts, again takes victory. He looks slowly down towards his chest watching his belly slowly rise and fall, wishing things would be different. His lips tighten slightly, as he questions the needs of others. Why must rely on their religious beliefs to sustain tem in life? It is truth that may have benefited society. <-- awkward shift from creative to expository.  Any way you can make it smoother?  As in, do you sit there and think about life and suddenly start 'questioning the needs of others' or think 'it is truth that may have benefited society'?  You need to try and make it semi-plausible.


Bertolt Bretchs Life of Galileo explores whether the uncovering of truth would have done more harm or good to society. The scientific pursuit of knowledge against the dogmatic adherence to traditional beliefs and time-honored theories causes great friction in the text. Although Galileo’s discoveries may have lead (present tense) to uproar with the church, the long-term impact is demonstrated as a beneficial necessity by Galileo, as nothing but action will change the current corrupt state of society. In the text, The Little Monk admits to Galileo that he has give up his research into astronomy, fearing “the potential dangers for humanity in wholly unrestricted research”. He believes that pursuit of the truth will ultimately undermine humanities humanity's beliefs and thereby deprive them of the comforts of their faith in religion. The Little Monks speaks of peasants and his poor parents, who are reassured in their suffering as “Gods God's eye is always on them that the whole drama of the world is constructed around them”. Yet their suffering would no longer be justifiable under the new truths of Galileo. The working class essentially live to work and are driven by the prospect of being rewarded in heaven. Tearing this belief system away from them may draw anger and disgust with the development of society. Though the uncovering of truth may lead to an immediate discontented affect, in the long-term the pursuit of truth may ultimately benefit all people through improved living standards Could spend less time just describing the story (cut out minor details), and then more time unpacking this implication; go deeper into how truth is good. No matter what short-term consequences, society’s awareness of the truth is a necessity; the adherence to traditional beliefs in the face of truth will only lead to greater implications if left covered in the future.
Does this para address the prompt?  Not really.  It grabs one word - truth - and then goes off into a discussion of the harm or benefits of truth - when the question is, is truth the root of conflict.  First and foremost in your essays, make sure you're always addressing the prompt.

I'd call the genre hybrid not creative, because it shifts from creative to expository.

The old mans hand returns to his forehead, his elbow sinking deeply into the cushioned chair. He begins munching his bottom lip, clenched fists; <-- 'munching bottom lip' doesn't imply the feeling of angst or w/e you're trying to get across.  The casual language grates.  Try 'The old man's hand returns to his forehead, elbow sinking deeply into the cushioned chair, fists clenched, knuckles burning white with the anger of suffering. knuckles burning white with the anger of suffering. Greatly saddened of his past actions that's obvious from the rest of the piece; try to make it slightly more subtle through 'showing' it. However at the time of his forced silence, there was not a single word he could speak, not a single action he could take to say or do anything about it. Could make it clearer what you're talking about; you could try a narrative voice shift with asterisks to separate it.  Like, '
He relives it again and again ... daily relives the agony of that moment.  If only he had done something different.  If only.
***
There's not a single word I can speak.  Nothing.  I have to... blah blah blah
I know this could make it more complex and you'd have to check with others that it all makes sense, but a brief present tense 1st person inner monologue back in the time it happened could vary the flow, and sound a lot less clunky than this 3rd person past tense.  Even if you don't do that (could be confusing), you could still do something more expanded and 'inside his head': He relives that moment, again and again.  That moment of entrapment.  When there wasn't a single word he could speak.  Not a single thing he could do.  Nothing.  Just .... blah blah blah
The tips of his thinning too many adjectives lose their force and sound flowery - you've got 'thinning' and 'withering' and 'tired' and the adverb 'deeply' fingers press deeply into his withering skin as he closes his tired eyes. The damage of hiding the truth, living forever knowing that he betrayed his profession has caused nothing but extreme internal anguish. He leans backwards weakly into the chair. His knees separate and he lowers his head accepting this ongoing internal defeat. Would ‘the instruments of torture’ threatened upon him be worse than this current state of this internal destruction? Curious, when you're thinking about your life and you're suffering internal anguish, do you think 'I'm undergoing internal destruction'?  Or do you go 'I feel depressed and confused?'  Given that your narrative voice is semi talking in this guy's head, you could try to make it a bit more realistic by avoiding talking so much like an expository essay.  Though once a warning from a fellow scientist wasn't going to stop him from holding back from revealing truth, the suppressive authorities coercing his motives certainly were. Now he confronts nothing but regret.  I can't 100% see the relevance to the prompt; it feels like you've taken a story, and then thrown in the words 'truth' a couple of times to make it relevant.  It should actually unpack the ideas OF THE PROMPT. A woman enters the room, delivering a small tray of dinner to the elderly man. She places her smooth hand on his shoulder and upturns her lips slightly with a hopeful smile, knowing the difficulty that the man before her faces. Her eyebrows press together and move towards her hairline, expressing nothing but concern, before squeezes his shoulder and returns to out the door. Doesn't add much to the plot or discussion, and the detailed desc of eyebrows feels... weird. Moral: unless it's really nice writing or reveals a lot, cut out unnecessary plot details that 'slow it down' for no reason.  Too much description of what characters are physically doing, e.g. 'he lowers his head and leans back and his knees part' don't add much interest or anything else.  Limit it (though include some to paint the picture, obviously).

Yeah, need a slightly smoother method of transition.  Not only does hiding a possibly inconvenient truth have implications for the wider society; it can play a deep internal role in the development and continuation of an individual. They may then struggle to face the consequences and reality of their own past actions and truth. Galileo believes that he ‘betrayed [his] profession’ in the face of authority, which causes him great internal anguish and torture. As a result of his recantation, Galileo berates himself for the damage that he believes he has caused to science itself, allowing himself to “be brought to heel by self-interested rulers”. He also allows himself to think that he has impeded the important development of science, leaving the human race lost “in a pearly haze of superstition…too ignorant to develop its own powers”. Though the Discorsi was finally smuggled across the border, this did not stop Galileo from facing the torture of personal truth- he was simply scared of “facing physical pain.” stick to one tense - present tense throughout However, the actions of powerful individuals around Galileo truly had greater control over him and it is not always up to individuals to determine their own truth. No matter whether truth is revealed or kept undisclosed, either way it will lead to conflict.  This is the first time in your essay - in the last three sentences! - that you've actually discussed the prompt.  Do it earlier bro, DO IT EARLIER!  The prompt should be the life and soul, the breath that fuels your whole essay!! This may be internal through the suffering of going against personal beliefs or have an impact on society overall as they struggle in the face of change. Beliefs, attitudes and ideas of characters in Life of Galileo will all determine what they fight for, yet sometimes expressing the truth is out of our control.

Goods
You do write nicely; it's not too flamboyant and over the top like some people do and I love your opening.
You discuss some pretty interesting ideas in your expository section... so now make them relevant to the prompt and your marks should jump a heap.

To improve
- Try to improve smoothness of transition between creative and expository.  Really really try.
- Make it clearer what the situation is.  It's not at all clear what's happening, and what he's regretting.
- Cut irrelevant description that doesn't paint a vivid scene.
- Halve your descriptive adjectives, and instead try to use stronger verbs (e.g. more interesting ones than 'went', 'sat', 'moved', 'walked', like 'collapsed', 'stumbled' - more powerful so you can cut the fluffy adjectives).
- Mention external examples, possibly? (given that it's a hybrid with expository bits; talk about other religious or political struggles, etc.)
- Address the prompt.  That means, brainstorm the topic like you were going to write a full expository topic.
RELEVANCE is the number 1 criterion for all English essays.  Answer the question.  Answer the question.  Answer the question.  And I mean really obviously; like I can tell that you were kind of talking about it throughout, but you were sidestepping it a bit.  You talk more about whether truth is good or not, which doesn't squarely answer the topic.

e.g. some ideas:
- is there truth? what is truth?
- truth itself isn't at the root of conflict, rather, the lack of truth present in society that comes into conflict with truth
- the uncertainty of what is truth, and different opinions about it, is what fuels conflict
- are there other things that fuel/are the root of conflict?
- so if there was no such thing as truth, there wouldn't be conflict?  in other words, should we just accept that there's no truth and then all conflict will cease?
- are multiple things truth, from different perspectives?

Ideally you'd have better ideas because you'd spend more than a minute thinking, but maybe this sparks something.  Just ask a heap of questions about the topic, and then try and answer them as well as you can throughout your piece