Please mark :) Ransom/Invictus Comparative

[dyenya13]

Hi everyone! just wondering if someone could be able to give me feedback on my ransom/invictus comparative essay
I would really appreciate it, comparasion is my weakest area. There's no conclusion, just an intro and a few split paragraphs.

[zhen]

Take my advice with a grain of salt, but I feel like having the texts separated instead of both integrated into a paragraph makes it so that you can’t compare as much and the concluding sentence to the first of your two paragraphs on an idea doesn’t seem like one. I’m not sure if when you say these are split paragraphs if it means that you split them but usually would combine them. If so, then ignore the above. Also for your third and fourth body paragraph about how unwillingness creates conflict, I feel like there’s not enough comparison done. I feel like you should do a bit more comparison there. I feel like the last two paragraphs also could use a tiny bit more comparison rather than it just being chucked on in the last two sentences. Also, I feel like the last paragraph needs a transition word like similarly or comparatively to make it flow better. If you miss out on this, it feels like you’re analysing the texts in isolation. Again take my advice with like a ton of salt and good luck for the exam. 

[chantelle.salisbury]

not sure im the best one at all to give feedback, but ill give it a go..

firstly... not sure when you say split paragraphs whether you mean you have split them just for the purpose of putting it up here but normally would keep both Invictus and Ransom in the same paragraph?? because i feel that to make the best comparisons you should really by including examples from both texts in the same paragraph to fully explore your idea.
further... i wouldnt be at all hesitant to put more than one, two examples from each text in each paragraph (obviously each paragraph will vary) but i feel that this may help the actual 'comparing' of the two texts. likewise, making smaller links btw the texts whilst you are exploring one overarching idea or example will increase the comparison.
all in all tho.... good detail !

[dyenya13]

sorry yeah i should have explained better, we were taught to split each paragraph so you could properly flesh out an example for each text, that's what I mean by split paragraphs. Most people are putting it all into a single paragraph, i assume?