Drafted English Standard Discovery Essay

[Georgia_Macdonald]

Hi,
I'm hoping someone can help me by marking my essay for me. It's only a rough draft but I'd love some feedback to tell me roughly where to go from here.

I’m all alone in the cafe where I work finishing up from cleaning all the dregs of coffee from the saucers and mugs that patrons have slopped over the tables. I’ve already wiped my hands on my apron numerous times throughout my shift but I have to wash them with soap and dry them thoroughly to get rid of all the traces of this crappy job. I really do hate it here and I can’t stop replaying a certain day last week that actually happened to me.

“Oh no!” I mumble to myself as I hear the dreaded sound of my boss’ favourite CD is starting to play thought the cafe on repeat for the 6th time this shift. I had hoped the quiet mutters and chatters from the customers in the cafe could drown out the noise but to my disgrace, I hear the same chords on on an endless loop yet again. I roll my eyes as the customers are here dining in and eating the food whilst they are completely oblivious to the fact I hate my job and coming in here everyday. Surely someone would've noticed the uneasiness I feel being here as I stand slumped against the glass door at the front of the cafe greeting customers with my fakes smile and a roll of my eyes. “Who could possibly like this crap?” I mutter under my breath as a customer at the table next to wear I’m standing gives me a sly look. I begin to start daydreaming about myself at home sitting in the bay window of my bedroom looking out onto the crowded streets below softly strumming and humming along to one of my favourite songs. *Crash* The woman at the table next to me who was previously giving me a sly look has just knocked her saucer off the table and onto the ground. Probably “accidentally" of course because the number one thing my boss makes me remember is that the customer is never in the wrong. Sadly I move to go clean it up and I am dragged from the peaceful thoughts running through my mind in my bedroom back to the chaotic scene presented to me in the cafe.

Everyday when I get home from work, I pickup my guitar and get on my bicycle to ride down to the beachfront to escape the previous events from that day. I love playing and find it so peaceful. The ways crashing on the sand are calming and the salty ocean breeze is refreshing against my skin as my hair sways behind me in the wind. I find myself staring into the distance wishing and praying that someday soon I will be able to be here everyday to experience tis bliss and serenity constantly listening to the waves crashing softly and looking out to the white sand and sparkling blue water. I setup my guitar case in front of me as I lean back against the hard wood of a palm tree. I placed a sign on the park path infant of me with all my social media names so I could be discovered easily on different platforms.

After 10 minutes of playing with the serenity of the beach as my muse, a young girl with long brown  hair begins to walk over to me and starts dancing and swaying along to the music. She hums quietly to the song as I play until the chorus comes and she begins to sing along with me. I invite her up to the small microphone with me and we song along together until song finishes. A couple of people passing by walk past and drop some notes and coins into the guitar case as support.

The young girls mother walks over looking slightly unhappy with her daughter because she has run off from her but as she sees how happy her daughter is on stage with me her frown softens and she becomes more intrigued as to how she can involve her daughter in more music. She looks over to my sign and notices I have a concert coming up on the weekend. She begins to tell me it is her 5 year daughters birthday on Saturday so she will come along to see me play again with all of her friends. I soon learn that her name is Lacey. I will need to remember to invite her up on stage with me again at my concert on Saturday if the girls or anyone else even shows up. There have been so many times recently where no one has shown up when I have booked a small theatre or cafe to play at so if this one has the same turnout I think I’ll need to reconsider my dream and just go about the same job I have now I hate.

After playing more songs for an hour and watching the sunset fade from orange to pink, another day had come to an end so I had to backup my guitar and shut the case not only putting the instrument away but also my dream of playing again this week in with it as my boss has me working until the weekend.

Saturday night finally came along slowly and I was more excited and nervous now than ever before. I looked down at my hand as I held out straight infant of me and noticed how it trembled from my nerves. Would anyone like my playing or the songs I’m playing? Will anyone ever turn up? With all these negative thoughts in my head I walk over to the curtain on stage and slowly pull it back to reveal a small number of people gathered in the front of the room. It isn't until I look right up the back that I see the Lacey and her mother along with all of her friends and their own parents. The small theatre is actually quite packed considering it has about 80 seats. It is the best feeling ever and I am overwhelmed with support from these people who I don't even know.

I step out onto the stage and start to play my first song, The audience to my surprise is loudly singing along with me and Lacey and her friends are all up dancing together. At the chorus I shouted “You sing!” to the audience so I could really see how loud all these supporters were and it made me so happy.

As I walk home from the cafe I’m reminiscing about the wonderful night last week I had. I am now realising that I need to work for another year or so to earn enough money to travel around the country hiring out different venues to play in and paying for accommodation but it definitely is my dream and I don't want to go to a job I hate everyday like the cafe I am working at now, so I’m going to play my guitar and sing for everyone to show my passion and talent of music.


Thanks,
Georgia

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi Georgia! Welcome to the forums! A few pointers for you (I assume you meant a Creative?):

- Try to create some rhythm in your sentences by adding commas and full stops. Easy way to do this is to read your creative aloud how you want it to sound, and where you draw a breath, you need a comma or a full stop there.
- Try and use a little more imagery to set the scene, rather than just describing actions - What are the sights, smells and sounds? Paint a picture for the audience, don't just state what is happening.
- I like the tone you are creating in your character through your narration style.
- Break your paragraphs up a little. For example, you might want to break to a new paragraph when the saucer crashes onto the ground.
- Create tension and drama to heighten the important moments. The girl joining the protagonist on stage is a big point in the story, it should be described in more detail. As it is, you are sort of saying, "This happened, then this happened," with some disjointed descriptions thrown in. The same goes for the concert itself - I'm not connecting on an emotional level with the character because you are just recounting events.
- Be less obvious with the point of the story - Stating it clearly in the final sentence as you do isn't the best way to communicate things. Subtlety is powerful!