Hi, english is by far my worst subject and my teacher had given me very vague feedback back when we did AOS. It would be the absolute best if you could mark my essay! Please be brutal.
Thankyou so much.
Discoveries are meaningful and can lead individuals to challenge their attitudes. How is this presented in your prescribed text and one other related text of your choosing.
Discoveries can be intensely meaningful when they lead to a transformation or epiphany in ways that may be emotional.
You can make this clearer ie. Discoveries can be intensely meaningful when they lead to new, transformative perspectives. I don't think you need to limit yourself to emotional discoveries as it is not specified in the question.They can be challenging, forcing individuals to sacrifice the old and to embrace the new, resulting in the reassessment of previous prejudices. This allows the individual to gain new insights on themselves and the world around them.
Just switched around those two sentences, minimal change.The Shakespearean Play ‘The Tempest’ explores that individuals have the power to create their own reality through their own thoughts.
A bit confused as to what you mean here? Are you talking about the imagination?The transformation individuals undergo are due to how they approach their predicaments.[b}While [/b]some consequences are inevitable, how they come out of a discovery depends solely on how they choose to approach it. The concept of discovery
Be more specific, what aspect? is also explored within the picture book “The Red Tree” By Shaun Tan which similarly reveals the subjective nature of discovery.
Put subjective discovery at the start of this sentence. Along with discussing
expressing or highlighting are better words here that emotional discoveries arise from the exploration of physical landscapes whether they may be familiar or unfamiliar or even imagined ones.
This sentence doesn't make sense. Change 'Along with' to 'It also highlights that... Provoking an individual's transformation from depression to hope in ‘The Red Tree’, and from insanity to sanity in ‘The Tempest’.
This sentence doesn't make sense by itself again and needs to link back to the question The exploration of a physical landscape can stimulate other ensuing revelations, operating within the hands of an individual.
The link to the question and in particular challenge their attitudes needs to be stronger In ‘The Tempest’ the storm within act 1 maroons the men on the ship on the island
andthe physical landscape of the island acts as a catalyst which
arguably grooms the epiphanies of certain characters. Both Antonio and Alonso are subjected on the island and confronted with their wrongdoings of the past by Ariel due to Prospero's magic but in the end, it is only Alonso who comes out of the discovery with a meaningful transformation.
This sentence is a bit too long and descriptive. “The affliction of my mind amends, with which, I fear, a madness held me: this must crave, An if this be at all, a most strange story. Thy dukedom I resign and do entreat, Thou pardon me my wrongs.”
Try blend your quotes into your analysis eg. This is demonstrated through the quote... Also this quote is a bit too long for mine. Alonso begs for Prospero's forgiveness and surrenders the dukedom. His use of personification in his speech to convey that he feels his mind becoming sane again, that he is released from his earlier insanity makes evident the significance of his transformation.
This could be more direct as it is quite hard to follow. The emotional discovery for Alonso arises from reconnecting with Prospero
and the renewal of their friendship. This transformation which was initially due to Alonso being subjected to the the island which provoked Alonso to recognise his wrongs, to gain new insight by sacrificing the old life he had built upon lies and betrayal and embracing the newfound acceptance and truth.
Again sorry this sentence doesn't make sense, the way you have structured it is confusing - make it clear eg. it challenges Allonso to form a new perspective where compassion and forgiveness is more important than revenge etc. This makes recognising the subjectivity of discovery clear.
Why? Make more clear! How although both Antonio and Alonso ar
e presented with the same predicament and whilst some consequences are inevitable, such as being marooned on the island, only Alonso comes out of the discovery with a meaningful emotional transformation
change to only Alonso is emotionally transformed by the discovery - it is just clearer and more direct, he had the power to create his own reality through his own thoughts leading him to an intensely meaningful transformation from ‘insanity’ to ‘sanity’.
The stronger argument here would be from revenge to forgiveness rather than insanity to sanity. Also I don't really get the idea of him having power to create reality with his thoughts, you don't really clearly state why this is.In ‘The Red Tree’
by Shaun Tan, the persona is able to undergo an emotional response to the discovery of hope, provoked by an innate desire to release herself from depression, anxiety, and loneliness.
Good but could be clearer and more direct again. On the first page of the book, the persona has a fixated attitude towards herself and her life. “Sometimes the day begins with nothing to look forward to”, in the image the body language of the girl is slumped over making it clear that the persona is in distraught and self-conscious, the way the head is down reveals that she does not feel self actualised.
Your inclusion of quotes, analysis etc could be stronger. For example: The girl's pessimistic attitude is expressed in the beginning of the story, when Tan describes "sometimes the day begins with nothing to look forward to." When coupled with the image of the girl, slumped with her head down, Tan reveals that she does lacks confidence in herself, thus setting the tone for the book... something along those lines Setting the tone of the book.
You can't have sentences on their own like this. Tan uses a motif of the red leaf, which is recurring on every page of the book to present the subjectivity of discovery, that the persona has decided to ignore the leaf and continues to stay insular and isolated due to her depression and loss of sense of identity, when in reality the leaf is what will help her discover her full potential.
Too long a sentence, try cut it down. I think you are getting too much into almost blaming her, you should instead focus on how her depression prevents/hinders her from realising the leaf... “Darkness overcomes you”, the salient image on this page of the giant fish hovering over her is representative of the impact of depression on someone’s life and how they can feel entrapped by the world around them.
Again, restructure to: The quote - "darkness..." when considered alongside the salient image of the giant fish hovering over the girl, indicates that... Hidden and unable to be their true self.
I don't know why you have sentences alone like this - they just don't make sense like that! Just as how Alonso was initially unable to see the power he had to change his attitude and pursue the truth,
instead, he was manipulative and precipitated the usurpation of Prospero and was overcome by the desire for power.
Nice try at linking it! But you should make the link clearer to Tan eg. Just as how Alonso was..., the persona in the Red Tree is also unable to initially see the hope in her life. By the catharsis of the picture book ‘The Red Tree’, we are presented with a cyclical structure, where the persona is back in her room and the “day seems to end the way it began.” There is a complete shift of tone in this page,
as reflected in the quote... “But suddenly there it is, right in front of you, bright and vivid, quietly waiting.”
The language used on this page represents the excitement and hope, contrasting from the beginning of the book where the tone of the language was bleak and depressive. On this page the motif of the red leaf is the salient image as it in under the light while everything else is under low light. The persona is suddenly aware of this, which has been in front of her the whole time, but she has chosen to ignore it.
A bit too descriptive, make a clearer link to the differing attitude and the importance of discoveries. The persona makes a physical discovery of this red leaf whether it is imagined or not, it occurs within the mind and psyches of the persona, acting as a branch to discover her full potential.
Clearer link to the question and in particular the new attitude she has needed, no need to focus on whether the leaf is real or not.The last page, “Just as you imagined it would be" represents that when you are open to achieving and looking for freedom from depression, you can undergo intensely meaningful transformations just as how the persona undergoes the transformation from depression to hope and Alonso from insanity to sanity.
Too long a sentence, needs to be more succinct. The subjectivity of discovery plays a huge role in how an individual comes out of a discovery
asthe power of the outcome, to some extent, is within the hands and mind of the individual. Alonso chose to recognise his wrongs after undergoing a journey of emotional discovery. The process of discovery is evidently transformative
as it has the ability to change and alter ideas that had been previously established as being inflexible. It enables individuals to chose their outcome, to some extent.
Make specific references to how Alonso now values forgiveness over revengeThis exemplifies the way human nature is, in essence, malleable and adaptable to new situations and new understandings.
Great! These two texts elucidates that there is no real route that a discovery follows, it is how you choose to approach and accept predicaments.
This needs to be in your paragraphs! It is great analysis but not a conclusion or body para at the same time so confused what it is!Both ‘The Tempest’ and ‘The Red Tree’ explicate that emotional discoveries are made through the physical discoveries of landscapes or objects whether they may be familiar or unfamiliar or even imagined ones.
Needs to answer the question. The space of a discovery itself and the events that arise from them are sometimes inevitable in that we must accept them and are forced to react a certain way, but in other situations, individuals have the power to make their discoveries intensely meaningful by creating their own reality through their own thoughts, transforming their attitudes of themselves and the world around them.
WAYYYY too long a final sentence, sorry! Also you MUST refer back to changing attitudes here!So, links to the question and in particular changing attitudes need to be stronger! Also think the idea of forgiveness vs revenge as shifting perspectives could be explored for the Tempest. Great attempt though, just need to be clearer and have stronger analysis and expression at times! 
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Topic: AOS the tempest essay (Read 1218 times)