Creative writing

[jaredmayo01]

could someone please read through this and leave some feedback as my teacher will not reply to my emails.

I stand here barefooted as the cold wind bites at my water filled eyes, the sky is low and dark. The thick clouds, grey as the stone they pulled from the quarry, come rolling in giving the place I once loved, the planet I once loved a claustrophobic feeling as if every pore in my body was being suffocated and all I can do is sit here and watch. By this time of day the birds should have been singing and the horizon tinged with reds and pinks, oranges sometimes, but it is just me and the crows with red eyes and black feathers it almost feels as if they are taunting me. I hold the letter, my should-be-inheritance is a suicide note I have kept in my pocket withering like me with age but the words not changing, my mother and only sibling killed, now my father taken from me at his own will

All that is left of my once mighty family is a mere letter, pale and bending at the edges, but it meant so much more than cursive writing on a piece of crumpled paper. I might finally understand why he took his own life, although it might not have been on purpose  he did not only take his own life he took mine. we built an empire, an empire that was once all over this once exquisite landscape, now it is utterly destroyed yet made all the more heartbreaking by the familiar debris under my worn feet. What once was a city, my city, is now a wasteland, the twisted metal of the skyscrapers break the skyline like charred trees. I instantly want to return to when times were positive and time itself was valuable, where the good times stayed with me, my mighty family wandering around the top of the highest buildings ruling with power like those of gods. Over the past half decade i have watched this city turn into a wasteland the citizens turning into animals struggling to survive, killing for scraps. Now everything… gone.
 
I look down at the note again sealed with our family crest. I sit there feeling my heart beat… every single pound in my chest occupied my ears with the steady drum, pondering for a few more seconds i wonder... should i drop it off this headland where the rich once lived into the abyss below… no my sanity is more precious than that. It's just as well the graphite clouds block the sun today, it is easier by far to take this grey wasteland in this sombre gloom. As i open the letters with my shaking long fingers, corded with blue throbbing veins, i can almost here the disembodied voices of my family, the ones that once walked the earth with me seemed to be carried through the wind that has a sharp knife like cold to it. It sounded like wind was whistling through the trees, but...there was no longer a tree in sight.

As each word of each line came out of the envelope in my dad's magnificent cursive handwriting my hair grows more and more on end, my eyes water… and my walls, the walls that hold me up, that made me strong, the walls that got me through the past 20 years without giving up like they did,  just... collapse. Moment by moment, they fall. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching the paper as my past anger turning to sympathy as i read. “Dear Athena” i haven't heard this name in years the memories come flooding back like the tears flooding down my bony cheeks, i continue reading, to discover why i meant so little, so little he could take his own life without a thread of regret, or so i thought “ I have always loved you i can write that in my own blood, i know you are reading this now as beautiful as ever, most likely wondering why i did this, and there is an explanation although no explanation is good enough and i doubt you will ever forgive me here it goes - I am as you know quite old now 58 to be exact and a sickness to you my dear is a disease to me i didn’t want to worry you, stop you from building the empire you have always dreamed of i thought i could get through cancer without the help of my last loved one, i came home after therapy each day angry at you, yelling at you, and blaming you for the weakness i had and you had no idea what was really going on i was just shifting the burden onto you even though you are what kept me going and you have every right to be mad at me for that but Athena i am now convinced that my condition is too chronic, and therefore survival is doubtful. All of a sudden all will and determination to fight has left me. I did desperately want to get well. But it was not to be–I am defeated and exhausted physically and emotionally my soul is torn. Try not to grieve. Be glad I am at least free from the miseries and loneliness I have endured for so long and am now able to be with your family for eternity, Love Cronus”. I sit there desperately trying to stay mad at my sick father, all these years i thought i was the reason, i was the burden he had to carry, but now it all fits into place everything is bliss. I can live again after reading the note from the lost soul.

[ateenytinybear]

Ah yes, teachers not replying is such a vibe.
It's an interesting concept, but the flow is janky. You need to shorten your sentences. I would usually go 3-6 complex sentences (max!), then one or two simple sentences. Also, maximum two commas per complex sentence unless you're listing, because it becomes overwhelming to read.
I would also avoid the ellipses (...) too many times.
Also spacing out dialogue with line breaks.
eg. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching the paper as my past anger turning to sympathy as i read.
“Dear Athena”
i haven't heard this name in years the memories come flooding back like the tears flooding down my bony cheeks, i continue reading, to discover why i meant so little, so little he could take his own life without a thread of regret, or so i thought
“ I have always loved you...

Also your tense needs to be consistent. the "I haven't heard" sounds contradictory, I think.
General grammar issues, and capitalisation too. Just needs to be re-read again outloud.

Good job though! Hope your studies go well