Feedback please for my story

[Sarahxx16]

Hey, I need feedback on my imaginative writing.

The sound of a loud psychotic laughter can be heard from one of the customers she is serving waffles to. It’s an typical Monday morning at work, with the usual customers coming in ordering the usuals. Scrambled eggs with crispy bacon and toast or waffles with a lot of whip cream on it, which she doesn’t think is healthy for breakfast. She loves coming to work and putting her name tag on that says “ Charlotte” as it gives her something that reminds her of who she is. Talking to one of the customer, Melanie, a 56 year old women who is a widow, comes in every Monday to order waffles with extra whip cream and a cherry on top. Charlotte is so close to Melanie that Melanie would always tell her stories of when she was younger, how she meet  her late husband, how she became who she is. She is like a second mother to her.

Beep Beep, her phone vibrates indicating she received a message. A text message popped up from Lucas saying,
“ Happy Birthday Char!!! Your finally 18 which mean you can go clubbing and get a couple of drinks ” .
Charlotte smiles and quickly replies back saying
 “ haha but it sucks that I have to work on my 18th birthday “
and presses the send button and returning back to work. She turns around and finds a present wrapped up in red and pink wrapping paper with a blue bow on top. There was a small card that says “ Happy Birthday Charlotte  - Anonymous” . She opens it and finds a A4 black journal which was empty. She couldn’t think of a reason to use it and even if she did she wouldn’t know what to write. Her life isn’t really anything she could write about , her parents are doctors and her four brothers are still in school while she has no idea what to do with her life.

Not to mention but Lucas has been on her mind lately. She couldn’t believe he remembered her birthday and she didn’t even remind him. They have known each other for a year and they have so much in common such as they both LOVE animals but are terrified of them at the same time, they both love to sing, play basketball etc. He has been there for her through the toughest time of her life. However she sometimes questions if he is generally the person who he says he is.

Charlotte thought it might of been Lucas who sent her the journal but wasn’t too sure.
It was now time for Charlotte lunch break so she got her meat pie and walked to the park across the street from where she works. She sat on the wooden bench, surrounded by kids running around and laughing, dogs playing fetch. She grabbed her meat pie and started eating it. Suddenly, Charlotte feels like someone is following her and she gets paranoid way too easily. She turned around and saw a tree but no one was there. She then turned back to find an envelope that says Charlotte on it.The curiosity of who left it there had been eating her inside. Opening it, it says,

“ Hello Charlotte, I can see your struggling to figure out what you want to do with your life and I can see you don’t know what to do with that journal. Do not worry, I want you to go to 38 hunter street at 5:00pm sharp and you’ll find your answer.” There was also a five second of summer concert ticket and a vip pass. Charlotte got really excited to go.

Looking at that, she is debating on whether to go or not and she looks at her watch, realising her break is nearly over. So she heads back to work. Now it’s 4:00 pm and all she’s been thinking about is if it’s even safe or real.. Her shift finishes at 4:00 pm so she got her things and started to ride her bike to the location she was given. She reaches there at 4:50 pm and all there was, was a homeless shelter for women and children and across the street was where her favorite band, five seconds of summer was playing. She was dying to see them and there was a ticket stuck inside an ticket.

Without hesitation, she headed inside the shelter and that’s when everything changed. There was so many women and children in a small tight room with only limited beds. The conditions were terrible but yet they all looked happy. A little girl ran up to Charlotte and gave her a hug and giggles. Charlotte smiled and asked her what’s her name. She said “ Melanie” and she was around 5 years old.

Later on, Charlotte has been there for over three hours talking to Melanie and her mother. The stories they have told was absolutely devastating and they have been traumatised by their experiences. Melanie started writing drawing pictures of Charlotte, herself and her mother. That gave Charlotte an idea on what to write in her journal.

Every single Monday, and Thursday, Charlotte went back to visit and Melanie’s mother would help her write her book called “ The story of the mother and daughter”. She finally knew what she wanted to do with her life and how to appreciate the people in your life even if they don’t seem to care about you.

On Monday, Charlotte took Melanie and her mother to where she works to make them breakfast. Charlotte looks at Melanie who ordered waffles with a lot of whip cream and a cherry on top and was amazed. Charlotte then looked next to her and saw her regular customer who was exactly an older  version of Melanie.

[Albus]

Your use of tense needs some work. You switched between several tenses multiple times. Better descriptive language is needed, it felt more like a report than a piece of creative writing, REMEMBER show don't tell. Edit your work as well, there are a few spelling errors and gramatical mistakes. Here is a little example of what you could write, its not perfect just something i wipped up.
 "Suddenly, Charlotte feels like someone is following her and she gets paranoid way too easily. She turned around and saw a tree but no one was there. She then turned back to find an envelope that says Charlotte on it.The curiosity of who left it there had been eating her inside."
Vs.
"Suddenly, Charlotte felt a prescene behind her, almost like someone was following her. She quickly whipped her head around  but saw nothing but a tall oak swaying in the wind. Dazed by her sudden movement, she failed to notice an envelope being placed on the ground infornt of her. An envelope adressed to her - to Charlotte. Curiosity overcame her as she wondered who was the mysterious individual behind the envelope.

Prehaps implement the moral of the story earlier to increase the effect on reader, it felt rushed.

It may feel like i'm being too harsh, but if you implement a few changes it will undoubtedly improve your marks and general writing ability!

[Sarahxx16]

I don’t understand the part when you said show don’t tell

[Albus]

Here is a website that should help: https://jerryjenkins.com/show-dont-tell/

Rather than telling that your character is angry, show it by describing his face flushing, his throat tightening, his voice rising, his slamming a fist on the table. When you show, you don’t have to tell.

Cold? Don’t tell me; show me. Your character pulls her collar up, tightens her scarf, shoves her hands deep into her pockets, turns her face away from the biting wind.

Tired? He can yawn, groan, stretch. His eyes can look puffy. His shoulders could slump. Another character might say, “Didn’t you sleep last night? You look shot.”