Damn.. you sure know how to write a long essay. Whether it's coherent or not, I'm about to find out. 
Each of the online articles Jumping into it too quickly. Introduce the context first, THEN go on to say anything about the texts. is
representative Bad word choice. of the
contentious Aren't all debates 'contentious'? This word is useless/unnecessary in this context. debate that has arisen following the tragic sinking of an inbound asylum seeker boat off the coast of Christmas Island. The Age’s online feature article titled “PM must be quick with details about Christmas Island tragedy” (17/12/2010), written by Federal MP Rob Oakshott, contends in a frustrated yet authorative tone that the Gillard-led Government needs to significantly amend the current policies associated with boat arriving asylum seekers. He further asserts that the Prime Minister needs to show
more genuine and truthful leadership in these times of tragedy. Likewise, the electronic version of the Herald Sun editorial “Gillard Government Asylum policy now all at sea” (16/12/ 2010), argues from a concerned viewpoint that policies regarding asylum seekers need to be changed in order for such losses of life to cease.
Mostly good. Try to allude to the target audience.Both online articles begin with short video clips showing media coverage of the Christmas Island incident. These audio-visuals not only give readers an insight to necessary background information to the overall issue, but also allow the target audience of humanitarians, and the Australian voters in general, to sympathise with the asylum seekers involved in the tragedy.
Excellent! In addition, polls are also Either cut out the 'in addition' or the 'also' part - sounds awkward when you have two words implying a secondary point. implemented by both authors. They are present with the aim of showing the overall community support on the issue whilst also giving the readers a chance to participate as well. This provides readers with the feeling that they can be part of the issue and that their vote and opinion is important and will be counted. By opening each article with these horrifying videos accompanied by polls, the audience is immediately met with
the reality and severity of the issue Slightly generic, be more specific with intended effects. , and as a result,
doubt is instilled in their minds as to what the Gillard Government has been doing during this time of tragedy and loss of life. This is much better.
From the outset, the Herald Sun editorial seeks to provoke anger and emotion amongst the target audience. The pun in the title ‘now all at sea’ juxtaposes the success of Gillard policies with the tragedy that has occurred at Christmas Island, with the aim to blame the Gillard Government and to assert
the contention that the ‘Christmas Island [incident] must spell the end of the Gillard Government's flawed asylum seeker policy’. This juxtaposition also immediately establishes a tone of compassion and frustration that is continued throughout the online editorial.
This compassionate tone is re-emphasised in the opening paragraphs of the editorial through the usage of expressions with pejorative connotations, such as ‘raging seas’ and ‘desperate cries’. The words, which create a sense of fear, not only further assert the author’s tone, but are also implemented to complement the horrifying images shown in the earlier videos, with
the combined effect Don't be too explicit with the structuring of your piece. being that the audience is made aware of the gravity of the situation and the enormous responsibilities that the Gillard Government had. As a result, the target audience may feel that the Gillard Government is
to blame for letting such a tragedy occur There is more to it than this! .
Furthermore, the author of the editorial attempts to attack the policy handling of the Gillard Government through the repetition of words such ‘consequences’ and ‘responsibility’. These words connote a sense of disappointment and are used to prejudice the target audience against the Gillard Government. This is then followed by repetition of the editor’s suggestion to ‘reinstate the temporary protection visas’ in order to alleviate the issue, which appeals to the target audience as a viable solution to future tragedies. The combined effect is used to show readers that the successful option was abandoned by the Gillard Government, highlighting the contention that the current policies are currently inadequate in dealing with the situation.
Your 'formula' is very, very obvious and explicit here. Also avoid saying 'target audience' too much.Whereas the editorial aims to discredit the Gillard Government through direct attacks and encourage emotion and anger, Federal MP Rob Oakshott’s feature article aims to sedate the situation. He achieves this by associating the rumours that cause ‘hysteria, xenophobia and conspiracy’ with ‘refugee advocates, white extremists, and ''stop the boats'' advocates’. This shows the target audience not only that these groups of people have blown the issue out of proportion, but that their actions are likely to promote ‘emotion and fear’. Furthermore, Oakshott uses expressions such as ‘truth… and details’ in order to compel the audience to remain calm.
You're not analysing your techniques selectively. Don't feel the temptation to analyse everything.Oakshott’s feature article also seeks to bring the audience’s attention to the Prime Minister. The title ‘PM must be quick with details about Christmas Island tragedy’ immediately puts focus onto the Prime Minister, highlighting the importance of leadership from the outset of his piece. This is immediately followed by a comparison of the existing ‘multi-party climate change committee’ and the proposed ‘multi-party "Christmas Island incident" committee’. Oakshott, using his authority and personal experience in these committees, proposes that ‘This is a moment for the Prime Minister to lead, not a moment for a committee’. This, when coupled with Oakshott’s appeal for readers to remain calm, aims to promote logical and rational thinking. Moreover, readers are more inclined to feel that Julia Gillard’s handling of the situation has been insufficient.
This feeling is further emphasised with statements such as ‘the Prime Minister must therefore lead’ and ‘must be tackled head-on’. The phrases suggest to readers that in these times of tragedy, it is strong leadership that is most important and that currently, the Australian public and the boat arriving asylum seekers are being denied this opportunity. This is then coupled with a string of rhetorical questions such as ‘Where were the various arms of government in all of this?’ that seek the question Gillard’s organisation of the affair. This further positions the readers against not only Julia Gillard’s policymaking, but also her leadership; with the overall effect of appealing
to the readers’ logic, by
showing Wrong word to use. them that Julia Gillard and her Government are incapable of dealing and preventing such tragedies.
Which makes them feel...?The online editorial and Rob Oakshott’s feature online article both attempt to show that the current policies of the Gillard Government are not sufficient and that without amendments, for Christmas Island tragedies will occur. Whilst the editorial solely seeks to evoke emotions by utilising a empathetic tone, Oakshott reaches the same conclusion
through by appealing to reader’s sense of justice and logic through his use of a balanced and authorative tone. Both pieces utilise horrifying audio-visuals, startling polls and strong pejorative language to not only question the policies in place, but to also question Gillard’s leadership.
Good finish!A solid effort, pi. The biggest issue you've got at the moment is that you've fallen to the temptation of doing a word search for as many techniques as you can and have analysed these (not very deeply) as if they were a bunch of shopping items on a conveyer belt. It's like you're placing the items on the conveyer belt and then once it's been placed into the bag, you're done with it and move on to the next item, and the next item, and the next item. (Hypothetically, think of these items as persuasive techniques). Be more selective with the techniques! Choose the most significant ones and delve into these deeply. You only touch on the intended effects of the ones above.. you don't go into enough detail in any paragraph.
Also steer clear of repeating 'target audience' throughout the essay. Make your structure appear less obvious and explicit. Other than that, I can see you going very far this year!
Final score: 7.5/10.Moderator action: removed real name, sorry for the inconvenience
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