If it's highlighted in green it's good, if in red then there's something not quite right. My commentary is underlined. Sometimes I've crossed out certain words or phrases which I think aren't necessary or are making the expression of the sentence awkward.
In our times of need and despair, it is human nature to seek a sanctuary; a place free of all the pain and hurt that is well present in our society. This sanctuary may differ from person to person, but we all look for it to give us comfort.
Some of us retreat into our minds when faced with crisis great idea here! Inner world vs. outer world is a big part of the imaginative landscape context so make sure you expand on this , while others look for places that give us a sense of familiarity and reassurance.
There are few that even turn to other people to find a source of support. This sentence probably isn't as interesting as it could be, try to add something else to it.However despite their minor differences, ultimately they serve the same purpose. We hold emotional investments in them and look to them to get us through the rough times. Allistair McLeod’s collection of short stories, “Island”, highlights how people can look to different sanctuaries in their times of need,
however we need only to look at our own lives to truly realise this. I like this sentence in green, but I don't like how you've introduced the text in the intro, it makes it more "text responsey" which really does not to be avoided. You CAN mention it in your intro BUT the way you've introduced it isn't really the best way to go about it. I'd just leave out the mention of the set text altogether from the intro to be safe..Overall, this intro is almost exactly how a context intro should be! Very good job on this for the start of the year!As individuals, each of us finds comfort in isolation at some point in their lives.
It is almost guaranteed that at some point in your life you will find some ease just shutting yourself from the harsh reality around you and retreating into your mind. Nice one! It is almost peaceful to be free from the difficulties and hardships that so often come as we go about with
out our lives. In isolation,
we can avoid the constant change of the world and continue to live in bliss, where everything stays the way
you like it.
You've mentioned "we" and then by the end of the sentence it turns into "you"...Make sure you stick to the one inclusive word per sentence. It's either all "we" or all "you"... The appeal to withdraw into one’s mind is ever present in our own lives. Whenever we experience trauma or fail in some aspect of our lives whether it may be in a relationship, at school or at a workplace, it is almost
human nature an innate behaviour....
(human nature kinda made the expression awkward. "innate behaviour" just came to me off the top of my head but you could use a different adjective here, just avoid "human nature" I think..) to pull ourselves away for others and attempt to pick up the pieces. More often than not this helps us and when we re-enter society we are stronger than before. “The Tuning of Perfection”, one of the stories of Island, makes us aware of the happiness that can stem from this kind of lifestyle.
Archibald, the main character, after coming out a life of isolation is dismayed to find himself in a world that has changed so much. He is shocked to learn of the decline of tradition in both his community and even his very own family. The modernization and loss of values that have occurred is enough to sicken him. In the end, after attempting to fit into this new way of living, he chooses to maintain his own beliefs and goes back to living by himself amongst the environment that he had learnt to love, free from the corruption of the outside world. Most of this is a summary! You the story as EVIDENCE instead of "filler", make sure you keep retelling the story to a MINIMUM However as humans, it is almost impossible to live in isolation for our entire lives.
It is inevitable that at some point we will seek a place to fulfil our sense of belonging and we will create a new sanctuary for ourselves. Nice ending to the paragraph!“No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent.” Nice quote! Renowned poet John Donne’s musing clearly explicates the idea that mankind functions effectively when society works together, not as individuals. Being a part of something bigger almost gives us a purpose to live. When we enter those times of despair and experience of uselessness, to have a role in a particular group almost gives us reason to keep going on. This group, as a source of comfort, is another form of
a sanctuary. It is a medium through which we can
use to almost reinvigorate ourselves. To know that you have a role strengthens individuals and their self identity. Membership to social, political, sporting and religious groups exist to reaffirm individuals of their own identity as represented in their respective group’s social perception. The police force is one such group that works on this basis. The individual officer may experience some form of hardship, but is motivated by those around him and even the badge for which he works for to continue going. Not only the job itself, but the sake of the community and the role he plays in protecting them inspires him to work even harder than before. Similarly in “The Closing Down of Summer”, being apart of their own group, gives each man the strength and courage to engage in dangerous mining jobs on a daily basis. Not only that but to be apart of an elite community as a miners, serving the greater population, gives them the energy to move past the mental and physical pain that can come from the job. While being
apart (not apart, a part)of a group such as this one can bolster us, the interactions within the group itself as individuals can equally be as powerful.
This link to the text is very very good! It's much better than your previous reference. Less retelling and more linkage is evident here..It fits in very nicely! 
As humans, relationships are vital for us. It is almost impossible to go through our lives without forming any bonds. It begins from the onset as children and the attachment we share with our parents. This continues throughout the years with the friendships we form with those around us, whether this may be at school or later in our lives, at our workplace. Eventually the relationship becomes so close that they become the very sanctuary that you seek during your times of need. The friends that you can confide in, the teachers who listen to you when you are struggling at school and the parents who support you when you are in trouble; these are just a few examples of the relationships that act as your sanctuary. The longer you live and expose yourself to the society around you, the more sanctuaries that you begin to create. In “The Road to Rankin”, the relationship between Callum and his grandmother is the only reason that they keep going. Each facing a daunting phase of their lives, find comfort and strength in each other’s presence. There is almost a sad symmetry that ultimately the grandmother dies when she realises that Callum will not be able to support them with Callum following her soon after when he discovers her body.
The loss of will to live upon realising that they were on the verge of losing one another expression here could be improved truly emphasises the importance of having a sanctuary.
It reinforces both the fact that the idea of a sanctuary exists and how not having one can lead us astray. Rearrange this sentence, expression is once again a bit awkward.As humans, we are not perfect; we all have our flaws and our weaknesses. It is how we deal with them that truly defines us. Even further it is the sanctuaries that we hold which set us apart from everyone else. While we may look to different places, people and even environments, we do so for the same reason; to seek the comfort that we as humans all desire. Having no sanctuaries to look for can impact us heavily and more often than not you will find that criminals come from desolate backgrounds. It is in this sense that we not only see the importance of having such a place to seek sanctum, but that it actually exists. While your sanctuary may not be physical, it is more often than not part of an imaginative landscape. It is something that is essential to us as humans.
Good conclusion! No reference to the text which is good and no real new ideas either! Perfect :)
Overall Comments:
- "I'm not that great at writing" ......What? This essay was VERY good. You've got the right idea about expository writing. And the only things wrong with the piece are easily fixable. You should have much more confidence in your writing because it's very decent indeed!
- Be careful with how you link to the text. In the first body paragraph it wasn't done very well in the sense that there was far too much retelling of the plot. HOWEVER, in the other paragraphs you did it how it should be done! So I'm guessing the first paragraph was a lapse in your regular way of linking to the text because you did it perfectly in the other paragraphs.
- I liked the quote you included! It was very relevant and the assessors like it when you quote famous LITERARY figures instead of just random famous people in general. So John Donne was a good choice! I'd consider putting the quote at the end of the paragraph in future as it makes it more interesting and unique.
- I think most of the time your expression is actually pretty good. You didn't reuse too many sentences or bits of vocab which is normally very hard for people to do so that was impressive.
- You could try to mix up your structure. Each paragraph uses 1) Broad writing, 2) Island reference. Try to mix it up a bit otherwise your writing will be too predictable. This will take quite a bit of practice though. But you have the whole year to figure it out so don't worry!
Slumdawg's Final Grade: 8/10 I'm quite a harsh marker, so to get an 8 from me is really saying something. I think considering it's the start of the year and all, this is a grade to be very proud of. If you're gettings 8s now, by the end of the year you'll be dishing out 10s if you take on board all the advice!
Well done.
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