[English] "Help us stop the knife war" language analysis

[Halil]

Recently the media has followed the growing armed violence in the streets of Australia. The alarming editorial published in the Herald Sun, ‘Help us stop the knife war’ (April 14th 2010), asserts that all Australian citizens and Herald Sun readers should become more engaged with these attacks and join the newspaper’s campaign against them. The editorial employs a myriad of persuasive techniques  to induce fear in the readers and compel them into action.
The writer begins their piece with the bold title comparing the problem of street violence with a full fledged ‘war’. The reader is thus immediately alarmed  with this exaggeration. The writer directly engages the members of the audience in utilising the personal pronoun, ‘you’  to point out that ‘anyone’ from a ‘university student’ to a ‘grandmother’ and all those in between, including all readers are ‘at risk’ of harm. Hence readers are immediately engaged and positioned to view the knife attacks in a more heinous light.
In addition the reader is further perturbed as the writer descriptively details the ‘chilling’, ‘senseless’, ‘frenzied’ and ‘frightening’ ‘assaults’ occurring in the community. This loaded language directly appeals to Australian’s sense of security and fear of aggression and harm. Thus, they are inclined to elicit a more emotional, as opposed to rational, response. This is  reiterated  with the subtle image of an aggressively clenched fist bearing a sharp knife. This not only assist readers in visualising the imminent threat of a knife attack but also engages those who are more visually inclined, attracting their attention to the article to encourage them to read the article and agree that more action must be taken against knife attacks.
Lastly the writer concludes the editorial with a marked shift in tone transforming from terrifying the audience to offering them an achievable solution. This more positive tone heartens  the reader to ‘be aware’ and informed with the regards to street violence and support the newspaper’s campaign against it. In empowering the reader against what is presented as a grim issue, the writer instils the reader with hope.
Hence this fear provoking and exaggerated editorial attempts to persuade the reader that street violence is a looming threat and that all people must become more active in campaigning against it by joining the Herald Sun. All in all, this fear mongering  piece is likely to sway most members of the community as it clearly depicts the dangers they are faced with and offers them a simple and promising solution.

[DNAngel]

Recently the media has followed the growing armed violence in the streets of AustraliaCareful about use of verb tenses here. The alarmingDo not place your opinion into this analysis piece. editorial published in the Herald Sun, ‘Help us stop the knife war’ (April 14th 2010)Who is the author? You need to mention his/her name. If it is not mentioned, then you need to say ', asserts that all Australian citizens and Herald Sun readers should become more engageda little too vague here. You need to elaborate further on 'engaged.' with these attacks and join the newspaper’s campaign against them. The editorial employs a myriad of persuasive techniques  to induce fear in the readers and compel them into action.What tone does the writer employ?
The writer begins their piece with the bold title comparing the problem of street violence with a full fledged ‘war’. The reader is thus immediately alarmed  with this exaggerationYour explanation is too short here. You need to explore the persuasive technique further. The writer directly engagesI think 'directly' is unnecessary, since you have already used 'engaged' the members of the audience in utilising the personal pronoun, ‘you’  to point out that ‘anyone’ from a ‘university student’ to a ‘grandmother’ and all those in betweenSuch as?, including all readers are ‘at risk’ of harmToo general here.. Hence readers are immediately engaged and positioned to view the knife attacks in a more heinous light.What effect does this have on the reader?
In additionComma here the reader is further perturbed as the writer descriptivelyNot sure that this is the correct term to use here. details the ‘chilling’, ‘senseless’, ‘frenzied’ and ‘frightening’ ‘assaults’ occurring in the communityAvoid using quotes from the text in your first sentence.. This loaded'loaded'? not sure what you mean by this language directly appeals to Australian’s sense of security and fear of aggression and harm. Thus, they are inclined to elicit a more emotional, as opposed to rational, responseToo brief of an explanation.. ThisAvoid 'this' at the beginning of your sentences. is  reiterated  with the subtle image of an aggressively clenched fist bearing a sharp knife. ThisAgain. Repetition in sentence openers only bores the reader, and damages your essay's effectiveness. not only assist readers in visualising the imminent threat of a knife attack but also engagesTry to use a more varied vocabulary than 'engages' every time those who are more visually inclined, attracting their attention to the article to encourage them to read the article and agree that more action must be taken against knife attacksWeak expression..
Lastly the writer concludes the editorial with a markedAmbivalent connotation shift in tone transforming from terrifying the audience to offering them an achievable solutionBe more specific. This more positive tone heartens  the reader to ‘be aware’ and informed with the regards to street violence and support the newspaper’s campaign against itConvoluted sentence. In empowering the reader against what is presented as a grim issue, the writer instils the reader with hope.
Hence this fear provoking and exaggerated editorial attempts to persuadePersuade is too generic. Seek use of other words such as 'coax' or 'coerce' the reader that street violence is a looming threat and that all people must become more active in campaigning against it by joining the Herald Sun. All in all, this fear mongering  piece is likely to swayWord choice? most members of the community as it clearly depicts the dangers they are faced with and offers them a simple and promising solution.Your last sentence sounds like your opinion. Do not incorporate your opinion into language analysis pieces.

Overall, I believe that much improvement is needed. Although you have correctly identified persuasive techniques used by the author, you have not explained its effect in enough depth and how it affects the reader. In addition, you have often used the same words over and over, which really brought down the strength of your piece. Lastly, you seem to have implemented your point of view into this essay. This is a big no-no. Under no circumstances, should you offer your opinion in texts that ask you to analyse a newspaper article.

A fair effort. 5.5/10

PS: You should post your work that is not related to moderator's work, in the 'English & ESL' section, not in the 'Essay submission and marking' section.

[Halil]

Sorry for posting it in the wrong section. About opinion, I made none. It was simply included in the text i read. It would have been better if i was able to support my analysis with the actual article.
However, I wrote it with my cousin (who scored 49 in English) and showed it to my teacher and received good feedback with a final rating of 8.5/10.

Your English must really be a 50
Thanks for your time dnAngel

[DNAngel]

You can take my score and suggestions given to you with a grain of salt. I'm sure that other markers will think otherwise, in regards to your score. 

[Respect]

You can take my score and suggestions given to you with a grain of salt. I'm sure that other markers will think otherwise, in regards to your score. 

i think ur just an annoying nerd, halil it sounds fine.

[DNAngel]

I think that someone who names themselves 'Respect', is a pretty complacent and arrogant person, that offers no help than to say 'it sounds fine'.

[tarek]

5.5 is a bit too harsh...

[Water]

I reckon its about right. Barely in depth.

[Respect]

I think that someone who names themselves 'Respect', is a pretty complacent and arrogant person, that offers no help than to say 'it sounds fine'.

thanks man i appreciate that. lol