The issue of artificially reproduced children has made frequent appearances throughout all formats of media for the last several decades, each time sparking new elevated levels of discussion and more often than not, assertions with judgmental overtones The latter part of this opening sentence seems unnecessary. It isn't needed in a language analysis, you are analysing language, not providing a media commentary. I think you contextualised the issue enough. . In the opinion article titled 'The politics of making babies' Melbourne writer Sarah McKenzie adopts a rational tone whilst contenting that the critics of so-called 'Petri-dish children' should be less judgmental about how people form their families. McKenzie's style of writing is best The word 'best' makes you seem unsure about the target audience. Be more definite and assured in what you say. tailored towards an audience consisting of those with a young family, or are interested in starting one, as well as those actively participating in the artificially reproduction debate This introduction was very on-the-surface. Yes, it's a language analysis and obviously it's not going to go into a huge amount of depth, but I recommend maybe adding more details about the issue, about the article, providing more substance to the issue rather than just saying (1) there is an ethical issue, (2) an article was written, (3) the contention and (4) the audience. It was a bit too formulaic for my liking.
The headline of the article grasps the readers attention almost simultaneously Simultaneous with what? Avoid generic statements like 'grasping the readers' attention'. Statements like these add nothing to your analysis. , primarily due to McKenzie's choice in words, which immediately establishes an appeal to family values amongst the audience. Use of the word 'politics' creates a sense of interest amongst readers. This is because politics in general are one of the most important aspects of contemporary society and any issue pertaining to politics is by nature an interest due to the effects they have on pe readers way of life, whether they are actively involved in the issue or not Very long-winded. There is more to the word 'politics' - have a think about it. Why would the writer relate baby-making or family-building with politics? . Consequently, the readers is encouraged to read beyond the headline and into the article. Concluding the headline Bad wording. is the euphemistic phrase 'making babies' McKenzie adds a flare of innocence to her work, avoiding the use of scientific or medical jargon regarding artificial reproduction There is more to the words 'making babies' than this. Should it be seen as a process of making babies or building families? The word 'making' carries some connotations, have a think about those. . By avoiding such jargon McKenzie evokes the everyday casual reader to continue viewing her article, re-assured by the concept that her writing is at the a basic and somewhat innocent level, void of any exclusive scientific jargon that the casual readers lack of education Extremely questionable. Do not assume the reader's level of knowledge. This latter phrase is also redundant, it repeats what you said earlier. restricts the understanding thereof.
The opinion article commences with the repudiation of the judgmental critics of the so called "fashion babies", by labeling their protests as "seemingly endless" and that their complaints are of an assertive nature, all in an attempt Avoid statements like these, and look at the individual impact of techniques first, and then look at the cumulative effect. You've only tagged a generic effect statement to the end of these techniques. . to generate a sense of disdain amongst the audience towards these individuals. By labeling their actions as "seemingly endless" McKenzie provides the audience with connotative characteristics pertaining Overly verbose, just use 'relating' here. to the critics of artificially produced children, characteristics which portray them as nagging and unnecessarily Wrong word? relentless. To further compound these negative connotative characteristics the utilization The word 'use' works better here. of the word "assert" regarding said critics expression of their beliefs that a child needs two biological parents establishes an idea amongst the audience that these critics have a lack of solid evidence or proof to substantiate their argument, thus positioning the audience to perceive the critics' perspectives as immature and without any real support. Consequently, the audience is encouraged to feel a sense of animosity regarding the critics and their perspectives.
Further along Sounds slightly colloquial. in the article McKenzie raises the issue of sperm donation being a taboo subject within contemporary society, adopting certain dysphemisms such as "ickiness" and "embarrassment" in order to establish a solid reason as to why the subject should be readily discussed. By titling the emotional response evoked through the discussion of the taboo subject of sperm donation with such immature language as "ickiness" and the issue is the lowered to an immature level, belittling the beliefs and emotional responses of those who view the subject as inappropriate for discussion Sentence is too long and therefore unclear. . To further compound McKenzie's belief that the taboo enveloping sperm donation discussion must by removed McKenzie raises the issue of "marginalizing" children who were conceived by donor sperm. By introducing a threat towards children the natural instinct of many parents to protect the family unit is evoked and many parents, whether they be biological or adoptive, are naturally inclined to view an issue that may have a detrimental affect on the lives of children as incomprehensibly Incomprehensibly? negative. The audience is then further encouraged to perceive the issue of the taboo surrounding sperm donation as something that must be abolished.
Accompanying the opinion article is an image consisting of a heavily pregnant woman, dressed in just black under garments and cradling her stomach and womb with her hands. The woman's stomach dominates the foreground of the image, subjecting the audience to McKenzie's belief that the issue of artificially produced children is about the children, not the adults or parents. To further emphasize this belief the head of the mother is cropped from the image, stating that the issue doesn't revolve around the mothers, only the children There is more to it than this! The fact that the woman is unidentifiable shows that the issue... . Consequently, any readers who may have been prejudicial or simply irrationally judgmental are encouraged to reconsider their stance on the issue This is generic. . To emphasize the fragility and the vulnerable nature of the issue regarding the artificial creation of children the pregnant mother dominating the issue is dressed solely in black under garments, positioning the audience to re-evaluate any reckless conclusions they may have made regarding this debate, primarily due to the devastating impact their elementary decisions and perspectives may have on the delicate persons most involved in this issue Very long-winded, this sentence should have been broken up into more readable parts. . The hands of the mother in the image, nuturingly cradling her stomach and womb comprehensibly supports McKenzie's perspective, stating to the audience that the health and well-being of all children in quite literally in the hands of adults, as is the final result of all discussion pertaining to the artificial production of children. Consequently, a sense of responsibility may be evoked within the audience encouraging those reading to actively partake in the artificial production debate This is a generic intended effect statement, be more specific and relate the language back to the context and the target audience. .
The crux of McKenzie's article lies in her rational approach to the issue, something that pays her a great advantage when attempting to develop a sense of disdain towards those who oppose her beliefs and that recklessly criticize the artificial production of children I had a sense that this sentence should have ended at the end of beliefs, it would have flowed much better. . McKenzie's perspectives undergo further amalgamation by her resolve to remove the taboo surrounding sperm donation and the image of a heavily pregnant woman to encourage the audience to realise the fragility of the issue and raise a sense of responsibility amongst the audience. It is through such a composition that McKenzie contends that the critics of artificially produced children should be less judgmental over how people create their families. Solid finish.
Overall, a good effort. You've used quite a few generic statements for the intended effect, try to avoid these. You've also looked at a few techniques very lightly - you haven't gone into enough depth in some areas of the analysis. Also your syntax needs some work, as some sentences become extremely long-winded in both length and message.
Final score: 6.5/10.
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