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Author Topic: [English] Issues - Please Give Me Feedback  (Read 959 times)  Share 

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Special At Specialist

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[English] Issues - Please Give Me Feedback
« on: November 17, 2011, 06:12:03 pm »
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Okay bear in mind that I wrote this under test conditions, so I was in a bit of a rush when I wrote it:



   In the article 'Overprotective parents stifle growth' by Jane Brown, Mrs. Brown contends in a passionate, protective and ferocious tone that the latest generation of children are being 'overprotect[ed]' by their parents. The article is presented in a convincing way by utilising a number of persuasive techniques, including a rhetorical question, an oxymoron, a professional opinion and appeals to the sense of fear and guilt.

   Mrs. Brown commences the article with a rhetorical question. She asks 'how much longer' in response to the actions that have been going on for quite some time, but have not yet been resolved. This persuades the reader to act immediately, before any harm can be caused. She then continues with 'will we continue', using inclusive language to inflict guilt on the reader that is supposedly responsible for the deed. The quote goes on by claiming that the reader 'supposedly protect(s)' their 'young people', implying that the reader has misjudged the situation and that their good intentions are actually causing great distress to others. This encourages the reader to take a step back, rather than 'step[ping] in', and re-evaluate the results of their actions.

   Mrs. Brown then declares that the act of 'mollycoddling' someone's child will 'ultimately creat[e] defenceless young people'. This is another example of how the author implies that the parents, or readers, are misinformed, deluded and ignorant of the situation.

   On the eighth line, Mrs. Brown claims that the parents are 'willing to step in' 'too often' 'for their "perfect" children'. This implies that it may be acceptable to interfere on occassion with their children's affairs, but that it is happening 'too often'. There is also the use of irony present in that sentence in the sense that a 'perfect' child should be able to take care of themself. This adds to the collection of evidence that the reader truly is ignorant of the well-being of their child and it is helping them to realise that, so that they can change their attitude and act accordingly.

   Mrs. Brown uses specific examples of real-life situations to encompass the reader towards the truth: that their 'little erands' are not doing any good to their 'precious offspring'. A fine example of such is to suppose that a child 'los[es]' a 'jumper', an event which most readers would probably agree is likely to happen. Mrs. Brown, in that situation, would accuse the parent of 'blindly search[ing]' for it. The phrase 'blindly search' is an oxymoron, since to search for something usually requires sight. This adds to the 'mountain of evidence' that the author is imposing on the reader to support her point of view. It also accuses the reader of being metaphorically 'blind', which is a way of suggesting ignorance on the reader's behalf.

   All in all, Mrs. Brown is a fine woman who does well at getting what she wants through the use of persuasive techniques.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2011, 06:14:00 pm by Special At Specialist »
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Re: [English] Issues - Please Give Me Feedback
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2011, 07:18:22 pm »
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Just by having a quick read these are things I would work upon:

- Opening line, i like to put a sentence that contextualises the issue, not necessary but it can work well rather than jumping straight into it
- Try not to say persuasive techniques, all techniques are aimed at persuasing, maybe just stick with "Brown utlises a wide variety of devices to persaude the audience of ........"? and also try not to name the devices, e..g "rhetorical quesiton, an oxymoron etc", the intro is pretty broad and doesn't focus upon specifics, and even so, at any time in your essay try not to list/drop the names of the techniques

- Body paragraphs: Mrs Brown begins by questioning "how much longer" in response.. try not to say the technique (i.e. rhetorical question)
- Try not to say "this is another example", it subtly suggests you're repeating what you're saying, you can use intsead "she reinforces this strategy through her scathing attack on blahblahblah"..
- Try not to make it clear that you're going in some sort of order, or even comment on whereabouts the quote is from (i.e. "on the eighth line"), it doens't strengthen your analysis in any way.
-ALSO, try develop the point of the impact of each device, this is the most essential part of any language analysis. Rather than saying this is ..., you can say this is likely to inspire fear in readers BECAUSE... (e.g. readers may feel that their children will be in some ways disadvantaged if....)
- Taking into account you were timed for this analysis, I can understand why the conclusion is a tad hsort, but for the meanwhile, (if you're heading into year 12 next year), you shouldn't be timing yourself, you should be trying to perfect your analysis and writing before anything else.
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Re: [English] Issues - Please Give Me Feedback
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2011, 02:26:46 pm »
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Okay, I'ma give you some feedback :)

GENERAL COMMENTS:

- Cardinal rule no. 1, NEVER GIVE YOUR OPINION ON THE PIECE BEING ANALYSED!!!! To be more specific, stating that Mrs. Brown is "a fine woman who does well at getting what she wants" is  not a good idea (even in the conclusion) You are not analysing the effectiveness of the article (ie. "a convincing way"), you area analysing how the article attempts to persuade.

- There is no mention of specific audience. Remember, each device employed by Brown is unlikely to affect everyone the same way. It is important to note which audience Brown is targeting ie. overprotective parents, people without children, authority figures who have to deal with mollycoddled children, etc.

- Avoid listing persuasive techniques, or even identifying them by name if possible. This does not mean you can't name a specific technique, just that you should avoid listing them (as you have done in your intro).

- Your introduction is a bit bland. Here is one (albeit rather formulaic) approach to writing an introduction for language analysis using the checklist ATTACCKS (or ATTACKS for slightly less advanced)

A; Author (make sure the author's name is the introduction somewhere)
T; Title (What is the title of the piece?)
T; Type (What type is the piece? eg. letter to the editor, feature article, blog)
T; Tone (What tone does the author use. This does not necessarily have to be in the intro but must be mentioned in the piece)
A; Audience (Who are the author's key audience(s)?)
C; Contention (What is the author's contention?)
C; Context (What is the context in which this piece was written? Give some background info. This is not essential and if you're not all that strong a student you can omit this, but it really does beef up your intro and make it sound more professional)
K; Key points (What are the main arguments the author makes / what are the key portrayals made)
S; Source (Date and publication (if applicable) eg, 11/11/11 Herald Sun)

Remember, this is a checklist, not an order. It does not mean that you can't start you language analysis off with the Title, it just means that the author should be mentioned in the intro. This is rather formulaic (as language analysis is in general) but you might find it helpful as your starting out.

- When you use a particular persuasive device it is important to mention the, who, how and why. Who does this technique affect (audience), how does it affect them (what is the intended reaction) and why does it affect them (what about the technique elicits this response).

- Regarding structure of your piece, it appears as if you have gone through and chronologically analysed the article. This is okay, but it doesn't allow for deep analysis of the article. Marks are given for showing effect (the who how and why) not simply stating the technique, and chronological analyses don't really lend themselves to this. There are a number of ways to structure your piece. One way is to group persuasive techniques with similar effects together. Each paragraph explores an "effect" and the various ways in which the author achieves this effect through the piece. Another (similar way) is to group paragraphs as key portrayals of groups, individuals, ideas or things. eg. One paragraph discussing how X idea is portrayed as Y and another on how P individual is portrayed as Z. Another method for structuring articles is to make each paragraph a key argument of the author. Eg. One paragraph discusses argument X and other argument Y.

- Your conclusion is a tad short (probably because you were timed) but in general, a conclusion should tie all the points each of your paragraphs make together and show that it reaffirms the contention of your piece (ie. that the author's contention is X)



Okay now that that's put of the way, let me say, very nice for a first try :). My criticism was not meant to sound harsh, just highlighting how you can improve through  the course of next year. Understand that as the year continues and you keep writing more and more essays, your technique will become much more refined and you'll be able to write much more in shorter amounts of time. Right now, I think the best thing to do is perfect your writing style. Don't do any timed pieces until two months or so before the English exam when you have your style right down pat. It's a waste of time learning to do something wrong quickly. It's much better to learn how to do something right slowly; speed will come later with experience. Good luck for the year ahead!


Hope I helped :)
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