I read over it, it needs some improvement. I suggest you follow TEEL
Here, sorry if its quite messy.
Intro:
Australia receives its multicultural status since there have been many migrants to Australia in the past few years. Nick Kotsiras the Minister of Multicultural Affairs and Citizenship wants students from all backgrounds to be made familiar with Australian National Anthem (and thus finds it necessary that…) children sing the National Anthem every week in schools, (as this will make) the children feel Australian. In the Opinion piece written by Neil Mitchell "Show Kids the Real Australia" published on the 23rd of November 2011, (doesn’t need a full stop, continue on the sentence!) Mitchell contends although singing the Australian Anthem is a good thing , he does not think that singing the Australian Anthem every week in schools would make the children feel Australian . Mitchell suggests that there are other core values that need to be instilled in children which can be done by encouraging schools to get the students to do community services. (write the author’s last name?
) (Mitchell speaks in an emphatic and sensible tone, while also attacking the audience to emphasise on is point of view.) TALK ABOUT SHIFT IN TONE!! The persuasive techniques the writer uses to persuade? (try not to repeat….instead say convince, sway etc.) audience (instead of listing the techniques list his arguments!!!) to force the reader to consider a different aspect. Neil Mitchell's article is obviously intended for an Autralian as he often appeals to Australian Values. ( Neil Mitchell targets Australians in an attempt to argue that…….)
Body – Your body paragraps are too short FOLLOW Teel!
The author uses a variety of different persuasive techniques to support his arguments the first of which is Attacks , Attacks can attempt to embarrass or just plain insult an opponent . We see this from the quote " "He's no High flyer". This early use of attacks makes the reader think Nick Kotsiras has not been very successful in his current position as minister of Multicultural affairs and Citizenship and he makes the reader feel that he is not a person who is suitable for this job.
The writer uses Alliteration in the beginning of the opinion piece which is designed to add emphasis . Neil Mitchell says Nick Kotsiras has been in State Parliament for 12 years and "barely bothered" the scores. He tries to draw attention of the reader by the particular Adjective used . The words "barely bothered shows us that Nick Kotsiras is hardly taking the trouble to do something.The reader is prompted to feel that he is up to no good.
The writer also uses Repetition to increase the impact of the main point and so engages the readers attention.Through repetition of the words "Just doesn't get it". The writer seeks to convince the reader into believing that Nick Kotsiras has not still realized that Australians do not trust Multiculturalism thus encouraging the reader to agree with the writer.
Furthermore, the author the continues to use Inclusive Language such as "we" and "our" to appeal to sense of social values. The writer is not simply presenting his opinion but what he perceives to be a common goal and a shared sense of responsibility. The writer states that " we need to identify what we consider the core values we'd like to instill in those bored 10 year olds". This use of inclusive language positions the reader to feel include in the sense of duty required of themselves
ADVICE: In a language analysis, try to be as sophisticated as possible, the more vocabulary you use the better it sounds. You are being way too casual!!!! Secondly do not list the techniques (I can’t emphasis on this point enough!!!) instead of listing all the techniques list the arguments the author displays..eg. “Andrew Bolt, declares that it is vital for kids to be learning the Australian National Anthem at schools as this helps the children respect and understand their culture”. Thirdly, try not to say “the writer”- refer to the author with his full name and then throught the text refer to him/her with the last name only!!!.
Your body paragrapgs are way tooo short!!! I strongly suggest you follow the TEEL structure. Your body paragraphs need to start with a Topic sentence, than explain the topic sentence, provide an example (quote) and then link it to the next paragraph. Also in your body paragraphs you need to talk about the effect it has on the readers/ audience!!!!!!!!!!!!
I strongly suggest you to PROOF READ YOUR WORK, make sure it sounds good and makes sense. Add sophisticated vocabulary and try not to sound too casual! And lastly use the teel template as a base- (get it from the internet)
Try and write it again and use my advice- I hope it helps you and post it up any time and I’ll read over it and give you some suggestions.
Home
Help
Search
Login
