The transition from adolescence into adulthood often presents numerous challenges, as teenagers can be easily influenced into undertaking many risky social activities. In her speech addressed to the incoming Year 12 cohort of Alwell College, Ms. Alison Layne argues in a predominately affectionate tone that in order to maintain their mental and physical well-being throughout the year, students must consider the potential implications of their actions during the year Extremely lengthy sentence, watch your sentence structure/length. The opening photo of her presentation depicts a number of partying youth, whereas her second slide presents a car crashed into a pole. Her speech is directed at a cohort of students who may be excited, yet anxious towards the final year of their school life You mentioned the specific audience early on in the intro (incoming year 12 cohort... - maybe move this part to this final sentence to put it all into the same sentence? Other than these points, a good introduction.).
The opening slide of her presentation undoubtedly serves as a visual, symbolic representation of the notion that the end of Year 12 is a time for joy, parties, and plain fun Unsure about the last part of this sentence - because there are no quotation marks I'm going to assume it's not a quote that you forgot to quote - be very, very careful with statements like this because it seems slightly too subjective and informal. You want to always associate things to the speaker, it would be a different story if you reworded it as 'The speaker highlights...' but it is preferable that you chuck in quotes rather than your own personal opinions like that. Layne draws the student’s students' - watch the plurals attention towards the “those fun-loving school leavers”, who are presented as having a jubilant time. This is exemplified by the facial expressions of many of the individuals in the photos, who may be smiling due to the celebratory atmosphere - Corny?. The word “fun-loving” positions the students to view the coming year with excitement, implying that although the educational demands on the students will be high, they should look forward to freely celebrating the end of their school life after their final exams. Layne’s descriptions of these events as being “festivities” and “adventures” compounds upon this pre-established notions of excitement in the student, as she presents life after school as a period for students to relax after coping with the tremendous stress from their academic year Good however the sentence is too long! Unclear and weak expression. Thus, Layne positions the students Try to include terms like 'may' and 'likely to' to make sure you don't appear too absolute to view Year 12 as the final obstacle to their freedom, and that a great reward of freedom awaits them at the end of the year.
In addition, Layne stresses the importance of friendships in allowing the students to make rational decisions. Through the repeated use of “I wonder”, Layne points out that there are risks associated with every celebration, which many students become unaware of due to the frivolous atmosphere, which is exemplified by the crowded nature of the school-leavers in the opening slide. It is this environment which pressures many school-leavers to behave in “uncomfortable” ways, in order to fit in and feel socially included with their friends. Layne is thus illustrating Try to avoid the -ing words, use the more direct and active form like 'illustrates', or perhaps nominalise it (turn it into a noun) and say 'Layne's illustration..' their fragile mental mindset, insinuating that students may feel “under pressure” by their friends to welcome danger and risk for the sole sake of pleasing them. Students are therefore positioned to accept responsibility for their own actions, and to rely on their trustworthy “good friends”, who will be looking after the well-being of the student rather than inviting them to undertake dangerous actions Good but I would like to see some complexity in your sentence starters and structures, mix it up and 'hide' the formula you are using. Everyone uses a formula like T.E.P.E but the A+ students are the ones who are subtle with it. It is these friends who are depicted as constant sources of unlimited help during the periods of confusion which plague the student “throughout the year”.
However, Layne warns the students, who have a “tendency to be easily misled by their mates”, that their naivety, and their desire to balance their social lives with their academics, could have calamitous consequences. She invites the students to listen to a “true story”, one which is rife with connotations of seriousness. The involvement of a “young man [their] age” immediately fosters a sense of foreshadowing in the students, who may feel as if the following anecdote will involve a tragic aftermath of perhaps death and loss Well explained. Furthermore, due to her description of the subject in her story as a “man”, Layne conveys that although the students will soon become adults, they are still prone to times of stupidity, and that age is only a number which does not indicate one’s emotional maturity. Moreover, Layne is also demonstrating Like I said earlier, avoid the -ing words if possible that such traumatic events could happen to any of the students, burdening them with unpleasant feelings of dread and fear. This is likely to make Use a more complex word... Never say words like make, show etc the students more attentive to her speech, and thus the students may be invited to consider the rationality of their future decisions while she emphasises the rash, impetuous nature of youth as “Phil” blatantly ignores the “protestations from [his] concerned parents”. Layne acknowledges the student’s stereotype of over-protective parents, who are “typically conservative” and “forever putting the brakes on the social development of their children”. Initially, the student may view their parents as being disconnected from the modern generation of teenagers, unable to relate to typical adolescent demands and needs. However, Layne also demonstrates that the fears of parents are often based on hindsight, and are substantiated with more reason than emotion, by implying that Phil’s “burgeoning social life” has exasperated his “academic woes”. The “woes” demonstrate that Phil has had a previous history of academic troubles, and thus, students are engendered to exhibit more trust towards their parents, who are illustrated as being more wise and capable of making safe decisions. This is good, but once again your structure of analysis is becoming extremely repetitive and formulaic
Layne briefly shifts into a dramatic tone to emphasise the destructive aftermath of adolescent actions, as she is poignantly complemented by her image of Phil’s family car against a telephone pole. The impression created immediately prior to the photo is one of hope and opportunity, as she draws the audience’s attention to the “bright” future in which Phil “was” hoping to have. The use of the word “was” immediately foreshadows a sense of unease, as the students may have already predicted the obviously dire outcome of the story, based on their prior experiences and knowledge. The crushed front of Phil’s car may cause the students to feel shock, but most of all, it symbolises the results of ignorant adolescents, who are constantly susceptible to making “stupid choices”. The pejorative “stupid” may denigrate the student’s previous confidence on their capacity to make logical decisions Hmm not sure about this . Thus, by making light of the situation’s ironic nature, Layne positions the students to see that these events have occurred all too often, and that many could have been simply avoided. Layne emphasises the “terrible mistakes” which Phil had made to “impress those friends [of his]”. The dysphemism “impress” Be more creative with your sentence structures and order of analysis, eg. discuss effect and purpose first, then technique for this one? Vary sentences to make it seem less formulaic suggests that the actions of many adolescents are made with the intention of gaining transparent social recognition from their friends, positioning the students to view Phil’s actions as being “foolish”. Her labelling of Phil’s story as “depressing” and “bleak” is further highlighted by Layne’s description of Phil’s “dark” year: one of “stressful court appearances, strained relationships” and an elevated level of “stress and anxiety”. As such events are inherently undesirable, the students may be positioned to treat their every action with more care and seriousness. Finally, Layne debases those who may follow Phil’s example using the pejorative “idiot”, which is tinged with puerile allusions, positioning the students to view them apathetically and to view them as being liable for their own actions. By reverting back to the opening image of the partying school-leavers, Layne engenders the students to make more informed decisions before they are to truly enjoy themselves after the school year. Whilst the substance of your analysis is good, it does become slightly wordy. Also remember when you discuss effect on readers, try to look at it in two parts - think (what ideas) and feel (what emotions towards a particular idea/group)
The crux of Layne’s speech Very overused starter, I have read this too many times haha resides in her strongly casual and affectionate tone, complementing her intention of invoking excitement in the students while also persuading Avoid them to consider the effects of their actions. Such sentiments are further compounded by the photo which depicts the celebratory atmosphere of Schoolies, and the strikingly contrasting image which depicts the consequences of adolescent naivety. It is through such an intricate composition that Layne raises awareness over the possible repercussions that the student’s actions may have on the rest of their year. Strong conclusion
Overall, a good language analysis. I feel that your analysis sounded slightly too formulaic, you need to work on the complexity of your sentence structures and starters. Also work on expression and sentence length, the essay is extremely convoluted in parts. More analysis of tone (tone-example-effect) and tonal shift (where appropriate) is required. The biggest problem with this analysis is that you seem to overthink and go too far with the intended effect and purpose, strip it back a bit and don't read into things too much.
Score: 7/10
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