Can you mark my diary entry?

[Adequace]

This was for my holiday homework for my XJS language school. I'm heading in to CSL 1/2 next year and I find writing one of my weakest areas of Chinese. I'd love all of the criticism and tips on how to improve my writing. It's kind of short :/

我的中文写作

二〇一四年十二月十八日
天气：下雨也很冷

圣诞节放假开始了，每天我十一点左右起床。我起床的时候我吃早饭然后做数学和中文作业。做完然后我看电视或玩电脑游戏，有时候我出去跑步和运动。我和我的家人快要准备下周会去中国看我的住在中国的家人。我们要离开墨尔本在圣诞节的天， 先去香港，下飞机我们要呆两个小时然后山飞机去福州。我去中国我要更我的家很愉快的玩，我们去中国的时间是三个星期。我妈妈绝太少时间。我们回来的时候只有一个星期(before)二〇一五年学校学期开始。我希望我努力学习所以我十二年纪我已经很好准备也很纪录。我知道我会拿到我想得到考分(if)我很努力也相信

[kani]

This was for my holiday homework for my XJS language school. I'm heading in to CSL 1/2 next year and I find writing one of my weakest areas of Chinese. I'd love all of the criticism and tips on how to improve my writing. It's kind of short :/

我的中文写作

二〇一四年十二月十八日
天气：下雨也很冷

圣诞节放假开始了，每天我十一点左右起床。我起床的时候我吃早饭然后做数学和中文作业。做完然后我看电视或玩电脑游戏，有时候我出去跑步和运动。我和我的家人快要准备下周会去中国看我的住在中国的家人。我们要离开墨尔本在圣诞节的天， 先去香港，下飞机我们要呆两个小时然后山飞机去福州。我去中国我要更我的家很愉快的玩，我们去中国的时间是三个星期。我妈妈绝太少时间。我们回来的时候只有一个星期(before)二〇一五年学校学期开始。我希望我努力学习所以我十二年纪我已经很好准备也很纪录。我知道我会拿到我想得到考分(if)我很努力也相信

二〇一四年十二月十八日
天气：寒冷、下雨

圣诞节假期开始了。在假期里，我每天十一点左右起床，然后在吃好早饭后做数学和中文作业。做完作业后，我会看电视或玩电脑游戏，有时候也会出去跑步和运动。我和我的家人们准备下周去中国，探望我住在中国的亲戚们。我们要在圣诞节那天离开墨尔本， 先去香港，然后转机去福州。我很期待在中国和我的家人们度过愉快的时光。我们准备去中国三个星期，但我妈妈觉得这时间太少了。我们会在二〇一五年学校开学前一星期回到墨尔本。我想努力学习，所以我已经为十二年级做好了很多准备。我知道如果我既努力又相信自己，我就会拿到自己理想的考分！


Something like this? I changed some parts where it didn't seem to flow well. What do you mean by "也很纪录" in the second-last sentence?
I think the most important thing to do is to familiarise yourself with Chinese sentence structure and grammar and their differences with English; expanding your vocabulary is also important and check your essays to make sure you don't miss characters. Don't worry about how short it is, you only need 200-250 words for the essay in the 3/4 exam anyway.
Also, Lang-8 is an amazing place to get corrections 
Good luck!!

[Adequace]

二〇一四年十二月十八日
天气：寒冷、下雨

圣诞节假期开始了。在假期里，我每天十一点左右起床，然后在吃好早饭后做数学和中文作业。做完作业后，我会看电视或玩电脑游戏，有时候也会出去跑步和运动。我和我的家人们准备下周去中国，探望我住在中国的亲戚们。我们要在圣诞节那天离开墨尔本， 先去香港，然后转机去福州。我很期待在中国和我的家人们度过愉快的时光。我们准备去中国三个星期，但我妈妈觉得这时间太少了。我们会在二〇一五年学校开学前一星期回到墨尔本。我想努力学习，所以我已经为十二年级做好了很多准备。我知道如果我既努力又相信自己，我就会拿到自己理想的考分！


Something like this? I changed some parts where it didn't seem to flow well. What do you mean by "也很纪录" in the second-last sentence?
I think the most important thing to do is to familiarise yourself with Chinese sentence structure and grammar and their differences with English; expanding your vocabulary is also important and check your essays to make sure you don't miss characters. Don't worry about how short it is, you only need 200-250 words for the essay in the 3/4 exam anyway.
Also, Lang-8 is an amazing place to get corrections 
Good luck!!

I'm not sure why I wrote 纪录 honestly, I think my brain just failed at the moment. That was 250~ words funnily enough.

Anyway, I've noticed you got 50 in CSL in year 10. If you don't mind answering some questions.

-If I'm aiming for a 30-35~ SS, what should I be focusing on? What short I prioritise and what's key?
-Are there any secrets in doing well in CSL, like in the final exam/orals?
-What should I be doing if I'm doing 1/2 CSL in year 10? Should I try and perfect or get better at something?
-Did you memorise most of the content in the orals? Did you prepare yourself for the questions they may ask?

[kani]

I'm not sure why I wrote 纪录 honestly, I think my brain just failed at the moment. That was 250~ words funnily enough.

Anyway, I've noticed you got 50 in CSL in year 10. If you don't mind answering some questions.

-If I'm aiming for a 30-35~ SS, what should I be focusing on? What short I prioritise and what's key?
-Are there any secrets in doing well in CSL, like in the final exam/orals?
-What should I be doing if I'm doing 1/2 CSL in year 10? Should I try and perfect or get better at something?
-Did you memorise most of the content in the orals? Did you prepare yourself for the questions they may ask?

For a 30+ SS I guess it's really important to have a firm grasp on the language; I read a lot of Chinese material outside of school and that has really helped me. In 3/4 do a lot of practice exams, identify your weaknesses in each part of the written exam so that you can focus on improving them. Also make sure to choose a detailed study topic that hasn't been done hundreds of time and so is more likely to keep the examiners interested.
In 1/2 CSL I think the most important thing is to familiarise yourself with the written language as well as perfect your oral pronunciation. I found that 3/4 was mainly learning how to do well in the exams instead of improving your Chinese.
I memorised the whole of my oral including answers to all the questions that being said, I don't think just memorising is enough; it is important to actually understand the content and be able to expand on it, otherwise any unexpected questions will result in disaster.

[Adequace]

For a 30+ SS I guess it's really important to have a firm grasp on the language; I read a lot of Chinese material outside of school and that has really helped me. In 3/4 do a lot of practice exams, identify your weaknesses in each part of the written exam so that you can focus on improving them. Also make sure to choose a detailed study topic that hasn't been done hundreds of time and so is more likely to keep the examiners interested.
In 1/2 CSL I think the most important thing is to familiarise yourself with the written language as well as perfect your oral pronunciation. I found that 3/4 was mainly learning how to do well in the exams instead of improving your Chinese.
I memorised the whole of my oral including answers to all the questions that being said, I don't think just memorising is enough; it is important to actually understand the content and be able to expand on it, otherwise any unexpected questions will result in disaster.

What sorts of topics should I try and avoid for my detailed study? I'm thinking about Kung Fu or Bruce Lee since I come from a Kung Fu/martial arts background, are these topics over-used?

For the extra Chinese material that you read, did you read newspapers, online Chinese websites? Do you know of any beneficial Chinese websites that could help me, news websites, etc?

I'm also heading back to China fairly soon, what should I to use this time effectively to improve my Chinese for VCE?

[brightsky]

Just a few remarks and suggestions on top of what kani has already mentioned.

二〇一四年十二月十八日
天气：下雨也很冷Make your description of the weather succinct. A one-worded description, such as '阴' usually suffices.

圣诞节放假开始了，The expression here is a little awkward. I'd recommend something along the lines of: "圣诞假期终于来临了！" Note the subtle difference between "放假" and "假期".每天我十一点左右起床。I'd add something like "假期期间" before this for contextualisation.我起床的时候我吃早饭然后做数学和中文作业。Again, the expression is a little awkward. I'd suggest something like: "早饭后就开始做数学和中文作业。做完然后我看电视或玩电脑游戏，有时候我出去跑步和运动。Try: "做完作业后，我则开始看电视、玩电脑，有时还会出去跑步、运动。我和我的家人快要准备下周会去中国看我的住在中国的家人。This sentence reads much better than the previous two. Only a few minor tweaks are needed: "下周，我和我的家人准备回国访亲。"我们要离开墨尔本在圣诞节的天， 先去香港，下飞机我们要呆两个小时然后山飞机去福州。"我们将在圣诞节那天离开墨尔本，首先飞往香港，在香港逗留两个小时，然后从香港乘飞机前往福州。"我去中国我要更我的家很愉快的玩，我们去中国的时间是三个星期。This sentence needs a little bit of work. Try: "我们策划在中国逗留三个星期，虽然时间短暂，可仍期望能跟家人在那里度过一个美好的假期!我妈妈绝太少时间。我们回来的时候只有一个星期(before)二〇一五年学校学期开始。"我们将在开学的前一个星期返回墨尔本。我希望我努力学习所以我十二年纪我已经很好准备也很纪录。我知道我会拿到我想得到考分(if)我很努力也相信。"我十分注重学习，所以已为十二年级做好了充分的准备。我相信，只要勤奋、自信，明年一定会取得理想的成绩！

Edited version:

二〇一四年十二月十八日                       阴

圣诞假期终于来临了！假期期间，我每天大约十一点钟起床，早饭后就开始做数学和中文作业。做完作业后，我则开始看电视、玩电脑，有时好会出去跑步、运动。下周，我和我的家人准备回国访亲。我们将在圣诞节那天离开墨尔本，首先飞往香港，在香港逗留两个小时，然后从香港乘飞机前往福州。我们策划在中国逗留三个星期，虽然时间短暂，可仍期望能跟家人在那里度过一个美好的假期!我们将在开学的前一个星期返回墨尔本。我十分注重学习，所以已为十二年级做好了充分的准备。我相信，只要勤奋、自信，明年一定会取得理想的成绩！

Overall, the content is great. There are, however, two main areas that need improvement:

1. Expression. Try to think in Chinese as you are writing a Chinese essay, rather than first establishing what you want to say in English, and then translating that into Chinese. I reckon the most efficient way to learn how to think like a Chinese person is to watch Chinese dramas. Listen carefully to see how the characters in those dramas construct their sentences, and try to emulate that when writing Chinese essays.

2. Structure. Although this is meant to be a diary entry, you don't want it to sound as though you are simply enumerating all the things that you normally do on the holidays. Try to structure your essay so that it has a mini introduction, at least two body paragraphs and then a conclusion. Your essay should have a focus. The first body paragraph should introduce what you intend for your essay to focus on, and the second body paragraph should zoom in on that topic of interest. Did you witness anything interesting? Anything humurous? Surely, there are more fascinating things to report than doing homework, and playing computer games. What exactly do you plan to do in Hong Kong? What about in mainland China? Having a logical structure can go a long way. It helps readers to understand exactly what your objective is in writing this diary entry. And the answer shouldn't be: because the teacher told me to do it!

Hope this helps! Best of luck next year!

[Adequace]

Just a few remarks and suggestions on top of what kani has already mentioned.

二〇一四年十二月十八日
天气：下雨也很冷Make your description of the weather succinct. A one-worded description, such as '阴' usually suffices.

圣诞节放假开始了，The expression here is a little awkward. I'd recommend something along the lines of: "圣诞假期终于来临了！" Note the subtle difference between "放假" and "假期".每天我十一点左右起床。I'd add something like "假期期间" before this for contextualisation.我起床的时候我吃早饭然后做数学和中文作业。Again, the expression is a little awkward. I'd suggest something like: "早饭后就开始做数学和中文作业。做完然后我看电视或玩电脑游戏，有时候我出去跑步和运动。Try: "做完作业后，我则开始看电视、玩电脑，有时还会出去跑步、运动。我和我的家人快要准备下周会去中国看我的住在中国的家人。This sentence reads much better than the previous two. Only a few minor tweaks are needed: "下周，我和我的家人准备回国访亲。"我们要离开墨尔本在圣诞节的天， 先去香港，下飞机我们要呆两个小时然后山飞机去福州。"我们将在圣诞节那天离开墨尔本，首先飞往香港，在香港逗留两个小时，然后从香港乘飞机前往福州。"我去中国我要更我的家很愉快的玩，我们去中国的时间是三个星期。This sentence needs a little bit of work. Try: "我们策划在中国逗留三个星期，虽然时间短暂，可仍期望能跟家人在那里度过一个美好的假期!我妈妈绝太少时间。我们回来的时候只有一个星期(before)二〇一五年学校学期开始。"我们将在开学的前一个星期返回墨尔本。我希望我努力学习所以我十二年纪我已经很好准备也很纪录。我知道我会拿到我想得到考分(if)我很努力也相信。"我十分注重学习，所以已为十二年级做好了充分的准备。我相信，只要勤奋、自信，明年一定会取得理想的成绩！

Edited version:

二〇一四年十二月十八日                       阴

圣诞假期终于来临了！假期期间，我每天大约十一点钟起床，早饭后就开始做数学和中文作业。做完作业后，我则开始看电视、玩电脑，有时好会出去跑步、运动。下周，我和我的家人准备回国访亲。我们将在圣诞节那天离开墨尔本，首先飞往香港，在香港逗留两个小时，然后从香港乘飞机前往福州。我们策划在中国逗留三个星期，虽然时间短暂，可仍期望能跟家人在那里度过一个美好的假期!我们将在开学的前一个星期返回墨尔本。我十分注重学习，所以已为十二年级做好了充分的准备。我相信，只要勤奋、自信，明年一定会取得理想的成绩！

Overall, the content is great. There are, however, two main areas that need improvement:

1. Expression. Try to think in Chinese as you are writing a Chinese essay, rather than first establishing what you want to say in English, and then translating that into Chinese. I reckon the most efficient way to learn how to think like a Chinese person is to watch Chinese dramas. Listen carefully to see how the characters in those dramas construct their sentences, and try to emulate that when writing Chinese essays.

2. Structure. Although this is meant to be a diary entry, you don't want it to sound as though you are simply enumerating all the things that you normally do on the holidays. Try to structure your essay so that it has a mini introduction, at least two body paragraphs and then a conclusion. Your essay should have a focus. The first body paragraph should introduce what you intend for your essay to focus on, and the second body paragraph should zoom in on that topic of interest. Did you witness anything interesting? Anything humurous? Surely, there are more fascinating things to report than doing homework, and playing computer games. What exactly do you plan to do in Hong Kong? What about in mainland China? Having a logical structure can go a long way. It helps readers to understand exactly what your objective is in writing this diary entry. And the answer shouldn't be: because the teacher told me to do it!

Hope this helps! Best of luck next year!

Thanks, this helps a lot.

[kani]

What sorts of topics should I try and avoid for my detailed study? I'm thinking about Kung Fu or Bruce Lee since I come from a Kung Fu/martial arts background, are these topics over-used?

For the extra Chinese material that you read, did you read newspapers, online Chinese websites? Do you know of any beneficial Chinese websites that could help me, news websites, etc?

I'm also heading back to China fairly soon, what should I to use this time effectively to improve my Chinese for VCE?

I believe Kung Fu is great as a topic! By over-used I mean things like bamboo, festivals and certain historical figures.
I actually read novels haha;; if you're not too keen on that, I think most Chinese news material would be too advanced for a VCE level (save for those newspapers/magazines from Springvale) so perhaps try TV shows instead? Most of them have subtitles, so you can practise listening as well as reading at the same time.
When in China, communicate as much as you can with locals to polish and perfect your pronunciation. Otherwise, don't stress too much and certainly don't spend the whole of the holidays worrying over CSL 1/2