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August 01, 2025, 07:25:56 am

Author Topic: please comment on my intro  (Read 6481 times)  Share 

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samiira

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please comment on my intro
« on: October 27, 2010, 07:14:00 pm »
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I may not have a great vocab and all but is this intro okay..??

The issue regarding sustainability of cars have been in the forefront of the autralian media for quite a while now. In regards to this issue, Tina Fanning expresses her concerns in the editorial ' Cars no longer sustainable', published in the Daily Messenger on july 2007. Her target audience is primarily people who have become to dependant cars. Maintaining an analytical and admonishing tone throughout the peice, Tina sserts that driving vehicles can no longer be seen as reliable as they have become a threat to our future wellbeing. She explores how the the future may seem in 2015 if we retain our excessive dependance on cars which is the primary cause of pollution and global warming.

words 117.. i am guesssing it needs to longer??

physics

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #1 on: October 27, 2010, 07:15:56 pm »
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spelling error @ sserts=asserts
i dont get what the last sentence is about.

sorry. but i'm inexperienced
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ytwacker

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2010, 07:31:35 pm »
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Quote
become to dependant cars
Should be too.

It fairly good you have everything in there.
- tone
- contention
- author
- publication/date

Though maybe add the context for every points

werdna

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2010, 07:52:49 pm »
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Sorry to be blunt, but it's very superficial.

m@tty

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2010, 08:17:30 pm »
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It appears as if you have simply rattled off several sentences to according to a check list. In order to avoid this you should incorporate several in one sentence and break the generic structure.

You should produce something with more meaning and flow. I mean put more critical thought into it, or at least follow a more complex structure.

For instance, rather than saying "Her target audience is primarily people who have become too dependent on cars", you could incorporate that into the contention sentence:

"In a bid to reduce society's dependence on cars, Tina asserts in an analytical and admonishing tone that motor vehicles can no longer be seen as a viable option as they have become a serious threat to the environment."

Or something like that. To me it just seems better as it is less like a plain list..

Also, at times it is too colloquial:

"...for quite a while now."

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Kotza

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2010, 08:21:26 pm »
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It appears as if you have simply rattled off several sentences to according to a check list. In order to avoid this you should incorporate several in one sentence and break the generic structure.

You should produce something with more meaning and flow. I mean put more critical thought into it, or at least follow a more complex structure.

For instance, rather than saying "Her target audience is primarily people who have become too dependent on cars", you could incorporate that into the contention sentence:

"In a bid to reduce society's dependence on cars, Tina asserts in an analytical and admonishing tone that motor vehicles can no longer be seen as a viable option as they have become a serious threat to the environment."

Or something like that. To me it just seems better as it is less like a plain list..

Also, at times it is too colloquial:

"...for quite a while now."


Matty, i do the same thing (chuck a few things in each paragraph,) however i take it to the extent where i only have 3-4 sentences for the intro... would this be detrimental to my score?

For example: Written in response to the increasing ‘trend’ of tattoos in society, author Jennifer Airs attempts to highlight the vast array of negative implications associated with this fad. Entitled “Tattoo Dreams,’ the opinion article appearing in the youth magazine ‘Teen Talk’ directly relates to the subject matter and appeals to the intended teenage audience. Airs also endeavours to stress the importance of teenagers being able to make wise decisions by employing a highly jocular and colloquial tone of voice.

Is that cool or...

werdna

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #6 on: October 27, 2010, 08:23:58 pm »
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Pretty good, Kotza, but I feel it's missing something.. Perhaps try and beef it up a bit more? Was there a visual with it?

Kotza

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #7 on: October 27, 2010, 08:26:39 pm »
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ahhh thanks camb.
(it was a shit article), the image was supplied by the school and was simply two football players, one tatooed and one not. Thankyou.

m@tty

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2010, 08:31:16 pm »
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Matty, i do the same thing (chuck a few things in each paragraph,) however i take it to the extent where i only have 3-4 sentences for the intro... would this be detrimental to my score?

For example: Written in response to the increasing ‘trend’ of tattoos in society, author Jennifer Airs attempts to highlight the vast array of negative implications associated with this fad. Entitled “Tattoo Dreams,’ the opinion article appearing in the youth magazine ‘Teen Talk’ directly relates to the subject matter and appeals to the intended teenage audience. Airs also endeavours to stress the importance of teenagers being able to make wise decisions by employing a highly jocular and colloquial tone of voice.

Is that cool or...

That does cover the basics quite well, though as Cambridge said, it does seem a little lacking. Perhaps expand on your points a little? Though you don't want too much discussion in the intro.. For instance with the last sentence I don't really see the link between the tone and how that stresses the importance of wise decisions. You could expand on that a bit.

Other than that though it is good. It just seems a little skeletal and minimalistic ... Flesh it out a bit.
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studying_hard

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2010, 08:40:26 pm »
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isnt analysis of the image meant to be in the 2nd paragraph?

m@tty

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2010, 08:41:16 pm »
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Yeah, but I think he meant to just acknowledge the presence of the image.
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Nisreen881

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Re: please comment on my intro
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2015, 07:25:35 pm »
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can you help me analysing this article
 
WE live in a lucky country. We’re lucky on so many levels: income levels, society standards, political stability (yes, we are still stable) and health standards. 
 
It is that latter standard, health, that rarely hits our radar. We take it for granted that the food we eat, the water we drink, the treatment we receive and our sanitary system will do us no harm.

And that is why a disease outbreak, such as the recent hepatitis A scare, is such a news maker.

This outbreak, which appears to have come from berries imported from China, sends a clear message about the divide between imported and locally grown produce.

To put it simply, some imported foods are not up to scratch.

They are not grown, handled or possibly processed to the standards that we impose on our own growers and processors.

But then there’s nothing new in that.

It is nigh on 10 years since The Weekly Times tested fruit and vegetables from China and found they contained high levels of toxins that were consistent with them being treated with human waste.

Yet that didn’t jolt the authorities to act with any urgency.

It has been claimed that just on 5 per cent of food imported into Australia is actually inspected when it arrives.

That is not only absurd — it is also a blight on the Government’s priorities.

We can’t do much about how farmers in China or South Africa treat their crops.

But we can make sure that when the food lands on our shores, it is in a condition that is not going to harm us.

Yet for the past few years, particularly under the former Labor government, quarantine inspections were allowed to dwindle as budgets for the service were slashed.

It has now reached the point where the inspection of imported food has become little more than a lucky dip.

That we live on an island is both a blessing and a curse.

It is a blessing that many harmful bugs and diseases have not yet reached us. But it is a curse that when they do, their exotic nature can lead to rapid spreading.

So it is vital our inspection and testing is as thorough as it can be.

At the same time we read of the imported berry scandal, The Weekly Times is reporting that a major effort is under way to stop a tiny bug from making its way into Australia.

The brown marmorated stink bug — yep, that is what it is called — has devastated fruit crops in the United States, to the point where fruit infected by the bug is unsellable.

It has recently been found in machinery destined for Australia — in tractors, tyres and parts.

We import about $500 million worth of machinery and parts from the US each year.

The delay in fumigating the machinery before it leaves the US or while on its way is causing concern that many farmers will not have their new machinery by the time sowing season hits in April.

But we need to make sure it does not get to our shores, because it could cripple our $10 billion horticulture industry.

That brings us back to the opportunities for local growers to cash in on any backlash against imported berries.

Unfortunately, there are few.

The starkest message from the hep A outbreak is the fact Australia has virtually no frozen fruit industry. Frozen berries almost exclusively come from cheap-labour countries such as China.

Local fruit is almost entirely a fresh-fruit proposition. If we were to swing to Australian produce, consumers would need to pay more for local frozen berries. Much more.

It is estimated that our cost of production — mainly wages — would double the roughly $10 a kilogram we currently pay for imported frozen berries.

And it’s no good complaining about the supermarkets. They merely reflect consumer demands. We want cheap food. They supply it. It’s that simple.

The berry hepatitis A outbreak has the potential to spark many debates — the local cost of production, our quarantine service and how we ensure imports are safe.

But most of all it should spark a recognition that food safety is paramount.

How much we are willing to pay for it is the real issue.

 ;D