[English] Creative Story

[Learner1234]

Hey guys,

I have a SAC coming up soon. Is it possible for anyone to give me feedback on it.

Thanks

Story- Perfect Chinese Children (growing up asian in australia)

‘You got 88.8? Very lucky number. You will be rich for sure.’ (continued from this line of the story)

I could understand Vanessa was disappointed with her score, after all, I had been forcing her to successfully perform better academically than everyone else. All I want is her to distinguish herself for all her achievements later in life like David and don’t want her to end up like me, financially disadvantaged than all my relatives.

Vanessa was staring me with an anxious look, believing that I would be disgruntled at her effort. I had a facade smile on my face for a moment, stuck in a conundrum that whether I should be unpleasant or happy with Vanessa’s achievement. I knew I would not be able to have a conversation with Vanessa for a while, until she really forgives herself, and it will take her time to recover from the HSC trauma.

“Vanessa, you must be quite tired, you should go and have a nap now.”

“Yeah mum, I really need the rest”, says Vanessa with a melancholic tone, as she rushed into her room, forcefully closing the door against the wall.

***

It was raining outside. The thunder boomed like the clash of armour against a sword, when the lightning pierced the black-silk clouds. Everything seemed so gloomy and as if sadness surrounded our lives with a boundless strap.  I was anxious about Vanessa’s future, and whether she would be able to be successful in this harsh world. I have already suffered from my past failures, which has repeatedly reminded of my daughters’ destiny.

A sudden huge gush of wind forces the front door to slam against the wall, and vigorously blow the curtains away. I rushed to the lounge room to close the door, but then suddenly, a shot of lightning struck up in the sky, blazing all its violet light across the farm. As the lightning struck again, I saw a shadow of a person against the floor. Someone was at the door, wearing a white wrinkled skirt, and a worn-out blue top. The gloomy weather was concealing her body, and only her clothes could have been seen. I was frightened, just after watching the news about the loose mass murderer roaming free in Healesvale.

“Who’s there!?”

She swung her old, wrinkly hands against the door, as she tried to lift her feet up the stair. I quickly grabbed onto the nearest stick, as she slowly stepped inside the room with her walking stick against the shiny wooden floor.

“Walk under the light now, or I will call the police.”

“It’s me, Yee Mah”, says the old woman, as she walks under the light bulb, revealing her face.

“Aunty! It’s you. Why didn’t you call me before you came?”

“I lost my phone in all the rush”, yelled Aunty Lee with a cranky voice.

She quickly sat on the couch, breathing heavily as if she just came from sprinting in a marathon race. Aunty Lee had always been an old, cranky lady. The last time she came, she nearly scared the living being out of Christine, and this time, it was me.

“Where’s ya little daughter”, says Aunty Lee, trying to puff out air like a steam engine train.

“She’s sleeping in her room”

“I have a little surprise for her” she said, as she leaped forward, and pulled out a gift box from her enormous orange bag, aside the coffee table. “She’d better be awake soon, as I need to catch the train back to the city in an hour”.

Aunty Lee always arrives with something for Vanessa. For years, she had been bringing in extortionate items for us, which repeatedly reminds me of my financial issues affecting my daughters’ lives.

***

Whoosh…! The door in the corridor suddenly opens emphatically, as Vanessa walked out of her room, half-asleep.

“Oh…You’re are awake my dear!” says Aunty Lee, as she quickly hides the gift box behind the couch.

Vanessa stood back, as she eyed her HSC certificate critically. She was momentarily stunned, as she stared me with the same anxious look at her face.

[literally lauren]

‘You got 88.8? Very lucky number. You will be rich for sure.’ (continued from this line of the story)

I could understand Vanessa was disappointed with her score, after all, I had been forcing her to successfully perform better academically than everyone else. All I want is for her to distinguish herself for all her achievements later in life expression? 'I want her her to distinguish herself for her achievements' sounds a bit odd like David and don’t want her to end up like me, financially disadvantaged than You can't say 'than' unless you have a point of reference. For example: 'I am poorer than all my relatives' or 'I am more angry than my friend.' So here, you would have to say 'I don't want her to end up like me, more financially disadvantaged than...' all my relatives.

Vanessa was staring me with an anxious look, believing that I would be disgruntled at her effort. I had a facade smile on my face for a moment, stuck in a conundrum that about whether I should be unpleasant or happy with Vanessa’s achievement. I knew I would not be able to have a conversation with Vanessa for a while, until she really forgives herself, and it will take her time to recover from the HSC trauma. Good - I like that her mum is calling it a 'trauma' - says a lot about her subtle prejudices (i.e. it's like saying 'I don't know whether to be happy or sad with that very disappointing result.' Like... you just called it 'disappointing,' so of course you're unhappy )

“Vanessa, you must be quite tired, you should go and have a nap now.”

“Yeah mum, I really need the rest”, says Vanessa with a melancholic tone, as she rushed into her room, forcefully closing the door against the wall. 'slamming the door' would be an easier way to say this.

***

It was raining outside. The thunder boomed like the clash of armour against a sword, when the lightning pierced the black-silk clouds nice! Everything seemed so gloomy and as if sadness surrounded our lives with a boundless strap not sure what you mean by this?.  I was anxious about Vanessa’s future, **see end comments!** and whether she would be able to be successful in this harsh world. I have already suffered from my past failures, which has repeatedly reminded of my daughters’ destiny.

A sudden huge gush of wind forces the front door to slam against the wall, and vigorously blow the curtains away. I rushed to the lounge room to close the door, but then suddenly, a shot of lightning struck up in the sky, blazing all its violet light across the farm. As the lightning struck again, I saw a shadow of a person against the floor. Someone was at the door, wearing a white wrinkled skirt, and a worn-out blue top. The gloomy weather was concealing her body, and only her clothes could have been seen. I was frightened, just after watching the news about the loose mass murderer might be a good idea to introduce this idea sooner, rather than bringing it up here out of the blue. After all, if she was worried about the escaped murderer, wouldn't she lock all the doors?? roaming free in Healesvale.

“Who’s there!?”

She swung her old, wrinkly hands against the door, as she tried to lift her feet up the stair. I quickly grabbed onto the nearest stick, as she slowly stepped inside the room with her walking stick against the shiny wooden floor. Okay, it's a bit hard to work out what's going on here. How is she 'swinging her hands against the door?' Is she hitting the door trying to open it? I thought the door was already open? And what stairs is she trying to lift her feed up? And where did the stick come from??

As a general rule, you want to try and explain these situations as though someone else can't see them. You've probably got a pretty clear mental image in your head, but I can't see that, so you need to make it clearer!

“Walk under the light now, or I will call the police.”

“It’s me, Yee Mah”, says the old woman, as she walks under the light bulb, revealing her face.

“Aunty! It’s you. Why didn’t you call me before you came?” Is it believable that your character wouldn't recognise her relative up close? I feel like, no matter how dark it was, I would be able to tell if an intruder was my aunty or a mass murderer Also, why wouldn't Aunty Lee have just called out when she got there - why would she try to fight her way in using her walking stick?

“I lost my phone in all the rush”, yelled Aunty Lee with a cranky voice.

She quickly sat on the couch, breathing heavily as if she just came from sprinting in a marathon race. Aunty Lee had always been an old, cranky lady. The last time she came, she nearly scared the living being out of Christine, and this time, it was me.

“Where’s ya little daughter”, says Aunty Lee, trying to puff out air like a steam engine train nice simile .

“She’s sleeping in her room”

“I have a little surprise for her” she said, as she leaped forward, and pulled out a gift box from her enormous orange bag, aside the coffee table. “She’d better be awake soon, as I need to catch the train back to the city in an hour”.

Aunty Lee always arrives with something for Vanessa. For years, she had been bringing in extortionate items for us, which repeatedly reminds me of my financial issues affecting my daughters’ lives **see end comments**.

***

Whoosh…! The door in the corridor suddenly opens emphatically, as Vanessa walked out of her room, half-asleep if she's half-asleep, I'm not sure she'd open doors 'suddenly' and 'emphatically'.

“Oh…You’re are awake my dear!” says Aunty Lee, as she quickly hides the gift box behind the couch why? Doesn't she want to give her the gift?.

Vanessa stood back, as she eyed her HSC certificate critically. She was momentarily stunned, as she stared me with the same anxious look at her face. Why?

^Is there stuff missing from the end here? I feel like the last part of your story needs some work, but I'm not sure if it just got cut off or something.

In general, you've got some interesting ideas here, and some nice, subtle language within your story. But there were a few moments where the plot got a bit confusing. Maybe it was just a word choice issue, but some of the descriptions didn't really make sense.

Also, there's this rule in creative writing that says you should 'show' your ideas instead of 'tell' them.

So, for instance, this sentence: "I was anxious about Vanessa’s future" is very 'tell-ish' because it's like the character is explaining stuff to the audience. Instead of just having them say 'I'm anxious,' try and show that anxiety through your story. Maybe have her nervously go about her chores (e.g. she tries to cook dinner but keeps slipping up and cutting her fingers or banging her head on a cabinet )

Think about how awful a movie would be if something bad happened and the character just said 'this makes me sad.'
But they don't do that - they cry, they collapse to the ground, they put on sad facial expressions <-- that's the kind of stuff you need to include if you want to 'show' emotions.

Similarly, for sentences like "repeatedly reminds me of my financial issues affecting my daughters’ lives" - how does the character feel about this? There's a lot more to say about these ideas, and it'd be really impressive if you could 'show' them as you go.

Let me know if you need clarification with any of this

[Learner1234]

^Is there stuff missing from the end here? I feel like the last part of your story needs some work, but I'm not sure if it just got cut off or something.

In general, you've got some interesting ideas here, and some nice, subtle language within your story. But there were a few moments where the plot got a bit confusing. Maybe it was just a word choice issue, but some of the descriptions didn't really make sense.

Also, there's this rule in creative writing that says you should 'show' your ideas instead of 'tell' them.

So, for instance, this sentence: "I was anxious about Vanessa’s future" is very 'tell-ish' because it's like the character is explaining stuff to the audience. Instead of just having them say 'I'm anxious,' try and show that anxiety through your story. Maybe have her nervously go about her chores (e.g. she tries to cook dinner but keeps slipping up and cutting her fingers or banging her head on a cabinet )

Think about how awful a movie would be if something bad happened and the character just said 'this makes me sad.'
But they don't do that - they cry, they collapse to the ground, they put on sad facial expressions <-- that's the kind of stuff you need to include if you want to 'show' emotions.

Similarly, for sentences like "repeatedly reminds me of my financial issues affecting my daughters’ lives" - how does the character feel about this? There's a lot more to say about these ideas, and it'd be really impressive if you could 'show' them as you go.

Let me know if you need clarification with any of this

Thank you lauren. I changed my piece according to your feedback. Can you please have a look at it now?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________
I could understand Vanessa was disappointed with her score, after all, I had been nagging her to perform well, academically. An ATAR of 88.8? Is it enough to get her into the degree, I want her to study? I don’t want her to end up like me, financially disadvantaged, who can hardly fulfil her daughter’s slightest wishes. The thoughts suddenly took over me, as I tried to understand the vague situation. It all felt like a dream. Was it all real?

“Mum?” uttered Vanessa as stared me with an anxious look, believing that I would be disgruntled at her effort.

 I had a fixed smile on my face for a moment, stuck in a conundrum about whether I should be dejected or happy with Vanessa’s achievement. I knew I would not be able to have a conversation with Vanessa for a while, until she really forgives herself, and it will take her time to recover from the HSC trauma.

“Vanessa. We will talk later. You must be tired, you should take a nap now.”

 “Yeah mum, I really need the rest”, responded Vanessa with a melancholic tone, as she rushed into her room, forcefully slamming the door against the wall.

I stood there alone, trying to encourage myself that Vanessa would still be able to have a bright future.

***

It was raining outside. The thunder boomed like the clash of armour against a sword, when the lightning pierced the black-silk clouds. The blustery weather seems to echo the turmoil in our lives. The anxiety within me was interrupting me from thinking clearly. I was worried about Vanessa. Worried about her future. Will she ever succeed in this harsh world? Will an ATAR of 88.8 get her into a science degree; where she can have a chance of getting into a high-paid salary career? Many questions were popping into my brain, and I wasn’t able to answer single one of them. I was repeatedly trying to reassure myself that it will be all fine, as more pessimistic questions continued to pop up in my mind. The more I tried to think about Vanessa, the more I thought about my failures; which affected my daughter’s life. I have already suffered from my past failures, which had been a subtle reminder of my daughter’s destiny.

The questions left me pensive for a moment, as suddenly, the bell rang. I quickly stood up from the couch, and rushed towards the front door, as the bell rang again.

“Coming. Coming”.

As soon as I opened the door, the sun shone brightly, and the skies had dawned a clear, blazing blue. The birds were chirping, and the trees were sparkling with raindrops on the tips of their leaves. Everything seemed so calm and beautiful like a new day, a new beginning. As I was gazing at the suburban landscape, I saw Yee Mah. She stood at the porch with a massive smile at her face.

“Why didn’t you come earlier? I had been ringing the bell for ten minutes now,” utters Yee Mah, as she quickly stepped into the house. She rushed into the lounge room, as she plonked on the couch.

“I was just on my way, as…..”

“Alright forget that. Where’s Vanessa. How did she go with her ATAR. Did she do well?” panted Yee Mah excitedly as she meddled around with a glass ball.

I didn’t know what to say at this point. I was stuck at another conundrum. Should I lie to my own sister about Vanessa’s ATAR, or should I tell her the truth? I didn’t want anyone to mock Vanessa about her ATAR. I wasn’t sure that whether I should tell Yee Mah, but then again, Yee Mah is my sister, she might understand my feelings, and how I might be going through at this stage.

“She got 88.8. I am really worried about Vanessa. Do you think she will ever be able to succeed?” I quickly rattled off the words across to Yee Mah, as she stood there with a confused look at her face.

“ATAR of 88.8? That is so amazing! I don’t why you are worried about Vanessa,” responded Yee Mah.

 

I am not finished

Thanks

[Learner1234]

bump (can someone please give me some feedback, got a SAC this week)